Hello everyone,
I'll just get right into my situation, not going to sugar coat anything. I have been with my partner for 7 years but in that 7 years I have cheated on him 3 times. Every time I did this, it just took pieces of me. I'm not able to function, or even think properly. I don't know why I pull away from him... Even after all the times I hurt him, he still wants to try & even proposed to me several months ago. (I accepted) But now that I've accepted the proposal, I can't stop crying. I feel so confused.
I'm still seeking for that 'true love' that 'butterfly feeling' because for some reason I can't feel that with my partner anymore. The best way to describe my situation is this.
I'm a hungry customer at a restaurant & my partner is the chef. I am starving for food, the chef gives me food & the food looks & smells amazing. I refuse to eat the food because I feel like the food isn't real. The chef asks me what is wrong with the food, there is nothing wrong with it. All he ever gives me is amazing food but nothing seems to really make me want to eat it.I was recently diagnosed with BPD around 4-5 months ago & finding this out really changed my life. I'm not sure about all of you but I feel like after knowing this... I feel like i've been living a delusion. As in, all the relationships I've had in the past, all the heart ache, all the nights i've spend in my bed alone trying to figure out what my confused brain is trying to tell me, all makes sense but it scares me. I'm still coming to terms with my diagnosis. But I can't help feeling ashamed of who I am. Because I've caused so much heartache to my partner & he never deserved any of this.
I am scared that one day he will leave me because maybe one day he will just have enough of my actions. But I don't want that. I really do love my partner, he's the only one that's been there for me & supports me. I'm the one that brings problems into the relationship. I just want to be normal.
Why do I pull away from him & always look elsewhere for true love? When I clearly seem to already have it?