And, well, here I am

[yeeter]

To be clear, neither myself nor my T is suggesting to give up on my children.

Thanks for all the insights.  I do like the Childress material.  And if you read some of the coaching on parent/child dynamic it comes out as maintaining the parent as the power figure.  I think this plays into the dynamic where the children do better with structure.  After all, it is much easier to live when you have clear/defined boundaries being given and you dont need to think so much for your self to figure it out.

Plus it maintains an element of respect.

Else you just get trampled over and not respected.

Still a long ways to go.  Put my own lifevest on first.  Remain stable, and set a steady and consistent course.  (repeating to myself all the advice I try to give others!)   

[livednlearned]

Something occurred to me about your oldest who is estranged.

It's possible that she is getting enough information about you from others that she doesn't feel the estrangement, if that makes sense.

I experienced this when I was estranged from my dad for 7 years. My mom conveyed  information between both parties so that it was almost like she stabilized the estrangement.

Your other kids might be doing that for the oldest.

In my family, I made micro-adjustments in what and how I communicated, and to whom, that kind of starved the estrangement.

Those adjustments seemed to make sense given my family dynamic.

Impeding the flow of information seemed to be what led to (extremely small but meaningful) changes in how my dad received the reestablishment of our relationship.

My sense is that the pain of knowing pretty much nothing about my life became unbearable. Not because he loves me to pieces or missed me, because it's hard to tell with him what he feels, if anything, but for what I consider to be narcissistic reasons (his friends ask what I'm up to and he doesn't know, which reflects poorly on him).

[worriedStepmom]

I think a trial and a GAL for the kids may be your best bet.

It is abuse for your ex to show the children details about parental discord.  I hope you have documentation of her saying that she would show proof of your affair to your children.  The courts, at least where I live, *hate* when parents drag kids into conflict and generally do what they can to stop it.