Feeling isolated

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

This is my first time on a message board (ever). I’m in my late 20s, and after an unstable home life, this year my therapist suggested that my mother likely has BPD.

recently her father has moved in with us, and it is very apparent where she gets her personality from. He’s extremely selfish.

I’m reaching out in case someone has any tips how to cope. I’ve always grown up being the scapegoat child, being ignored, blamed for her suitcase attempts, threatened, verbally and emotionally abused, etc. Currently I don’t engage with either of them, but I hear my mother speaking I’ll of me to other people.

How can I not let this bother me? I know it’s a loaded question. I feel alone, the only people who know the reality of our home life are my dad, sister, and one uncle. Everyone else sympathizes with my mother 
Moving out isn’t an option yet, though it’s something I’m working towards.
I have a healthy relationship with my dad and sister (but only when my mother isn’t around)

[Anouki5]

Hello,

This is my first time on a message board (ever). I’m in my late 20s, and after an unstable home life, this year my therapist suggested that my mother likely has BPD.

recently her father has moved in with us, and it is very apparent where she gets her personality from. He’s extremely selfish.

I’m reaching out in case someone has any tips how to cope. I’ve always grown up being the scapegoat child, being ignored, blamed for her suitcase attempts, threatened, verbally and emotionally abused, etc. Currently I don’t engage with either of them, but I hear my mother speaking I’ll of me to other people.

How can I not let this bother me? I know it’s a loaded question. I feel alone, the only people who know the reality of our home life are my dad, sister, and one uncle. Everyone else sympathizes with my mother 
Moving out isn’t an option yet, though it’s something I’m working towards.
I have a healthy relationship with my dad and sister (but only when my mother isn’t around)

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you posted as you are someplace where we understand and can hopefully help you cope better.

When you say you do not engage with your mom or her father, can you give some more details?  We have several tools here that can help in communication.  The tools are not a guarantee but they can definitely help often and are good for helping us cope better.

I hear my mother speaking I’ll of me to other people...  How can I not let this bother me?

You are right, this is a loaded question.    It is a process to get to where it does not bother you to the point where it hurts so much.  No one likes to be talked about and certainly not unflattering things... by our moms no less.  I am not sure there is a point of getting to where it does not bother us at all but we can get to a place where it becomes more of a blip in life rather than a focus, if that makes sense.  Terms like self-differentiation come to mind.  Are you familiar with that? 

We have a lot of articles I can refer you to but at this point I am uncertain which to recommend.  As you share more of your story it will be easier.  In the meantime, check out the topics tacked to the top of this board (how to get the most out of this site and Lessons).

I hope to hear more from you.

Again,

[Kwamina]

Hi Anouki5

Joining Harri in welcoming you to our online community

It can be very tough living with multiple disordered family-members. Your grandfather has recently moved in with you all. How does your mother interact with her father?

You mention having a healthy relationship with your dad and sis, but only when your mother is not around. How do your dad and sis view your mother's treatment of you? How do they behave when your mother is around?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling alone, living in a family where you are the scapegoat. You would like to know how to cope with your feelings and not become so overwhelmed by how your family members are treating you. First of all, your feelings are completely normal, feeling hurt and misunderstood by how you are mistreated by your family members. I am one of a long line of scapegoats of a family that has for several generations made certain family members the scapegoats. I have learned that I cannot change these family members and my best recourse has been to improve my emotional and physical boundaries with them: 1) Not to take personally the negative feelings my family members have about themselves which they dump onto me or other people. 2) Go low contact with my family members while increasing my contact with people who treat me with kindness and respect. Long term therapy has been tremendously helpful in building my self esteem and giving me ongoing support in enduring the life time grief of coming from an abusive family. There are many members on this site who are family scapegoats and will support you in your journey as you work on resolving on how to deal with your family members. We are here to listen and support you. You are welcome to post anytime. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.