Sister in Law Dilemma

[gusgus17]

My sister in law is the person with BPD in my family. She has done many hurtful and confusing things in her marriage to my brother that are painful to recall. However, it is not my marriage and I have only been able to provide support and, when welcomed, some education to my brother. He is currently of the mind to work on the relationship, and at this point (6 years into marriage) he is no longer honest with the family about everything that goes on at home. That is a topic for another day. Here is the reason I am posting today:

My sister in law is, among other things, extremely homophobic. I don't really know how to describe myself other than to say I am "quiet" about my sexuality. I am married to a woman, but I don't shove my relationship in anyone's face, there is no overt PDA, I do not argue with others about their beliefs. I am glad to have an open discussion with anyone who wants to, but I have never felt the need to force anyone to agree with me.

Sister-in-law, however, has been quite obvious about her feelings. She "unfriended" me on Facebook before she and my brother ever married because I had posted a rainbow heart online. She wouldn't allow me at the gender reveal for my first nephew because my wife was with me. She refuses to sleep in the same house as me and my wife because we are sinners, so when they come for family gatherings they bring a camper or get a hotel. All of this has been "brushed under the rug" by my other family members in an attempt to keep the peace. She is violently awful when confronted or if her facade of perfection is at all questioned, and so no one ever does. Instead, I am expected to silently endure any treatment and keep a smile on my face. And really, I have. It makes me feels gross and ashamed, but I have.

But recently my wife and I adopted two children from foster care. We had one of these children from birth (adopted at 18 months), and we received all the classified paperwork once the adoption paperwork was signed. In the paperwork was a CPS report filed against us by sister in law that we had previously had no knowledge of. In it she stated that we are "mentally unstable" and "unable to care for children, especially a boy". She also wrote that we are "too poor" to have our own "artificial fetus" and so we were trying to "steal one". I know this clearly displays ignorance and homophobia, and luckily the case was not pursued further, but it could have been and it still made my heart drop into my stomach to read all of that. Her main evidence for our poor parenting was an anecdote about my father having held our son while they napped together in a recliner over Easter. I am assuming the lack of danger in that is why they didn't pursue the complaint.

Anyway, we will be seeing her for the first time in person this week. I am nauseous just thinking about it. How can I continue to paste on a fake smile and pretend that everything is fine? How can I protect my children and my wife if I keeping playing this game?

And yet I know if I don't it could have terrible consequences. She could stop letting my parents see their grandchildren. She could invent false accusations against my brother (she has done this in the past). She could become violent (she has in the past).

Does anyone have a similar experience, any advice? I feel so powerless and lost.

[GaGrl]

Welcome!   Although the reason for your finding us is stressful, we're glad you're here. There are a number of members on this board with experience dealing with difficult family members with BPD -- and those who are in the midst of figuring out the best way forward. You can receive a lot of help and support.

First of all, congratulations on the adoptions! What a joy! My husband has an adoptive daughter, so when we married, I became a step mom of a beautiful adult daughter who has been a true joy and has now made us grandparents. So I am a strong adoption advocate.

Your instincts to handle so much that has transpired so far with Grace is admirable. Is that attitude important for you to continue? What other values and qualities are important? I definitely hear that protection of your family is a priority.

(My father was a strong protector of my mother and sister and me -- my stepgrandmother was uBPD/BPD and very difficult to deal with.)

Is your SIL diagnosed? Is she in therapy, or has she been?

Is your wife supportive? What are her thoughts?

[gusgus17]

Thank you. I wish I had reached out years ago when this all started.

I have tried to take many approaches over time, mainly falling under the categories of "ignore" or "kill with kindness". I feel like I am having a huge value conflict. I know that BPD is most often, if not always, a response to childhood trauma. And I know she is broken and in need of acceptance. I don't know much about her childhood but do know that religious abuse, sexual abuse, and general dysfunction were present. But after 6 years and battle scars that seem to lead only to bigger wounds, I feel like continuing to try to model "being the bigger person" just ends up making me feel like I'm being played or becoming a pawn in her "game". If I thought I could at all positively influence her I would continue to try, but I really don't feel like I have any respect or positive regard from her.

My other value is to honor my spouse and children. And my wife does not feel safe around her. She is very angry about the situation and hurt that my brother, whom we all love, doesn't stand up for us or set any boundaries. And I feel like exposing my children to my SIL risks a future CPS report. It was an amazing day when we got to adopt them, I can't imagine risking losing them because my sister in law is unwell.

She is not technically diagnosed. She has attended 1-2 therapy sessions at a time sprinkled over years with my brother in marriage counseling. She always bails or just does not show up at all and many times the marriage therapist tells my brother, based on the interactions he tries to process, that she is BPD. But she does not seek support herself. My brother does not fully accept that she is BPD either.

[GaGrl]

Does your brother know that your sister made the CPS report during the adoption? Do your parents know?

[gusgus17]

I did tell him. He was not overly surprised, but was angry that she had done it. He wanted to talk to her about it, but I wasn't sure what to do. She has made false police reports against him in the past (luckily since they were false nothing came of it), she has also tried to make him look bad by emailing and calling his boss and my parents. He has a toddler and now a newborn as well and I am afraid of her using the children as pawns. I don't really mind her hating me, she already does, but I don't want to make my brother's life worse.

And to be honest, I think I am afraid he won't stick up for me. He really hasn't so far. He let her keep me out of the gender reveal, he enables them staying in separate lodging from me and my wife on holidays. I think I am afraid if I actually asked him to stand up for me he won't, and maybe it will hurt even more than it already does.

My parents do know. They have been more supportive on this than they have other things in the past. Usually they ask me to keep the peace and minimize or deny her behavior. This time, I think because my dad's name was listed on the report, they took it more seriously. They know I talked to my brother and tell me they will support my decision. But they won't do anything else for fear of jeopardizing their relationship with their grandchildren.

[GaGrl]

What actions have you considered taking, other than what is already being done on the part of your SIL?

Are you feeling the need for some type of public acknowledgement that SIL's behavior has been hurtful and could potentially be legally dangerous to you? Followed by what  actions to protect you and your family?I

We talk here about LC (low contact), Grey Rock (a type of contact in which very little communication of consequence is exchanged -- a sort of boring relationship), and NC (no contact). What might any of these look like for your family?

[gusgus17]

Those are good questions.

I really want to talk to her. To tell her how much it hurt to read her words. I thought maybe-just maybe-- with a little 2 month old of her own in her arms, she might "get it". I want to tell her that she isn't allowed to threaten my family in that way. That she can disagree with our life if she wishes, but that she it is not ok to put our children or wellbeing at risk. I think I have a fantasy that if I am vulnerable and honest that it will crack her shell and maybe she could actually see me as a human and not an enemy. I don't really want an apology, I wouldn't believe it if I got one. But I want her to know that I see through her act and that I am not willing to be a part of the game. I want to tell her that I would love her to be a part of my family if she wants to be a part of it, but I am not willing to watch her divide it.

But again-- that is a fantasy, right? Would she even have the emotional capacity to hear me, or to feel remorse? She doesn't seem to have felt remorse for any of her other actions in the past.

I want my parents to stand up for me. I want them to tell my brother it isn't ok. I want them to stop catering to her and coddling her and be honest, the way they are with the rest of us. I want them to say, "this is our daughter and we love her and what you did was unacceptable". But I know why they don't. I know they want a relationship with my brother and his kids. And I know they think I am strong enough to handle it.

Low contact is kind of what we already have. I have tried engaging her in the past but all of the interaction turns out to be false, so low contact has felt most authentic. Gray contact sounds like what we are aiming for now. With a goal to keep the kids away from her as much as possible, keep us busy so we aren't directly interacting with her. But it is a small family gathering, so there aren't as many distractions as their would usually be.

No contact would mean I give up my family. That I don't get holidays. That I would have to schedule around them-- call home and ask when they are coming so I could plan accordingly. It would mean giving up hope for reviving my relationship with my brother. It would mean no cousins on my side for my children to grow up with. No contact breaks my heart. But what if it is the right thing to do?

[GaGrl]

From a practical standpoint, would complete NC be possible? Well, I guess it would...but extremely difficult and painful, yes?Considering your parents.

We have had other board members weigh the level of contact they should have, and what often happens is the realization that you don't have to make a firm and final decision right now. And you can change your mind later. Sometimes you just need to see how something is working, then adjust.

It would be nice if you were able to talk with your DIP and have her see the light. That is probably a fantasy.

We're you thinking your brother would be part of a conversation?

[gusgus17]

Yes, you are right. I think NC would be very painful. It may be necessary one day and I know a lot of people would disagree with my decision to not remove myself from the connection now, but I just don't think I am there yet.

I really hadn't thought of including my brother in the "fantasy" discussion. I feel like he would either be defensive of her and try to shut it down, or some other interaction that would prevent me from saying what I wanted to say. But overall, I think you are right. From everything I know of her she does not currently have insight into the fact that her behaviors are linked to BPD or that she needs help. As much as I would like to believe I have some kind of magical words to share, that is not realistic.

I ended up talking to my mom last night on my way home from work and telling her my fears and worries more honestly than I have in the past. She said she had no idea I was so worried and recognized my fear of SIL's more vindictive behaviors as realistic. I try not to burden my mom with my experience of all this because I know all of this has already caused her so much pain. I know that is why she sometimes allows herself to fantasize that "everything is fine now" if she hasn't heard of a "crisis" in a few weeks. It felt better to talk about it and to know that my family is aware and will do what is in their power to protect myself and my wife and kids. We talked about a plan and I shared about the "gray rock" theory of interaction you shared with me.