I feel so ashamed of myself after my bpd friend blocked me.

[HHAviator]

Firstly, she was not my significant other. She was just friend. Also, I am pretty sure she has bpd.but she didn't tell me.
I feel so ashamed of myself.
I have been doing instagram for about three month.
my instgram posts were about someone I miss dearly, past love. and how much I want to see that person.
I met this girl on instagram about two month ago.
we were both suicidal (still are). we talked a lot about death and loved ones and shared poem (that we wrote)
I told her about that person I miss. she told me about past memories and her wounded past.
she added me as her “close friend” on instagram. we talked about many things.
it was clear to me that she thought of me differently compared to the other instagram friends.
when she said she needed break from instagram she asked me to make tumblr account so we can talk to each other.
she said all the other guys were after her body. and I was different and she needed me.
(she also said that day she met a guy who likes her and smoked marijuana, and suddenly she got bored so she left the scene after telling him that she had to go to the bathroom)
so I did. there she wrote bunch of stuff like how she loves the cut on her wrist, how worried her mother is. etc etc.
and suddenly, she ghosted me after two days.
during that period, I was very worried about her so I wanted to ask her instgram frineds (her real life friend) how she was doing. I wanted to ask her if she was okay but I just didn’t because I thought it might be rude and creepy. I just liked one of her post and suddenly she followed me so I followed her too.

after she resurfaced about ten days later on instagram, I talked to her.
she said she was sorry. she told me “whenever things get hard I run away”
I told her I was worried sick about her. she said she was sorry.
we talked about meeting each other. she said we would be better off if we didn’t. she told me about other guy on instagram.
she said she liked him so she wanted to meet him. she said he gave her his number and she was excited to meet him.
but she told me after texting each other for a while she got bored so she blocked him.
anyway…
I want you to understand out relationship was a bit different. she told me I was a special friend. I told her freely how much I cared about her.
I told her I am very depressed and see doctor for that. and she was okay with it.

one night.
we texted back and forth on instagram.  I told her about something I bought for her in case if we ever met.
she said she was deeply touched  and asked me if I wanted to meet her.
I told her I do and she said it would be better if we didn’t. I told her it was her decision.
after an hour, she asked me where I live. I told her where and she said “ I just got on the taxi. I will be there in 30 minutes”
it was 1:30 in the morning. 1 : 30 am.
so we finally met. and it was magical.
she hugged me when we first met. we sat at the bench and talk about a lot of things. she was very enthusiastic during the whole talk.
she said she was very happy to meet me. and I look like how she imagined. (I never revealed my face until then) she said I look like an actor.
she also asked me why I followed her friend on instagram.
I told her I was very worreid about you so I wanted to ask her about how you were doing. to that she she replied “my friend would have loved it if you did, we are like soul mate. we made a pact that when one of us dies, we die together)
we talked about a lot of things that night about her abusive father etc etc
she said she was so happy to meet me and she will meet me again and will buy me a drink.
she gave me a hug again when we departed. she asked me to let her know when I got home.
when I got home, I sent her text sayin how great she was.
she said to me that she was so happy to meet me and I reminded her of this lead singer of famous band (in her post, she said she wanted to marry this guy)

but next day, she blocked me.
on her instagram, she wrote a post saying how lonely she is and how lonliness makes us do things shouldn’t do. she mentioned me. (not directly)
I was devasted.
and then she posted a poem about swallowing sleeping pills and she feels sorry for people she had hurt.
after a week, I felt so depressed so I contacted her using another account. I told her I wanted to see her smile. that I wanted to meet her again.
that she doesn’t need to feel sorry for what she did to me. told her that I thought about her. missed her. and if she feels pain I am willing to feel that together.
to that she replied
“I am sorry I have no obligation to accept your request. don’t contact me again and forget about me. I have a new boyfriend now”
then she blocked me.
I feel so ashamed of myself.
I don’t know what I did wrong. I guess I came on too strong maybe. but I thought she didn’t care because she didn’t mind me buying something for her before I met her.
I am just confused and ashamed...
I am tired of blaming myself...

[Mutt]

Hi HHAviator,



I’d like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. Im glad that you decided to join us!

It sounds like you both had a high level of attraction in a short period of time that heightened your experience.

I don’t want to generalize and I don’t want to say that every woman is like this and it is not synonymous with BPD because a person is not their disorder. Many women will be in a r/s and won’t disclose that and shift into another r/s before the main one is over.

I don’t think that you didn’t do anything wrong. I think that you are right that you shouldn’t blame yourself. I think that either she was in a r/s with another man while she met you and isn’t ready to end that r/s or she playing the field. It sucks, I can relate with that.