Discarded by abusive partner

[RobinJay]

Hi Everyone,

This is long...I'm new to this group and I've found reading these posts very helpful since my partner left our home, 2.5 year relationship, and 8 year friendship. This was a month ago. They (my ex is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns) abruptly moved out after a seemingly minor argument escalated into them grabbing me and pushing me into kitchen appliances a couple times.

After the shoving they told me I need help and never took responsibility for being physically and verbally abusive. They were physical during an argument once in the past. My spouse (we are polyamorous) and I told them that what happened was domestic violence, that it is not acceptable in the household, and we would like to have a family meeting with our counselors to figure out how to heal and move forward. They promptly said they would move out, and started packing as we were still trying to talk to them. They blamed me and the relationship for turning them into an awful person, called me egocentric. In the past they have said that they are toxic for me and should leave. They say they've done everything thing they can to change for me, but they were hardly seeing their own counselor. The last thing they said before they left is that no one here is one their side.

They haven't been diagnosed with BPD but my my therapist, our couples therapist, and I both suspected it independently, but not until after the breakup.

This all happened in the context of me receiving a PTSD diagnosis in Jan., caused by childhood sex abuse (and domestic violence) that we uncovered when I had a mental health crisis. I've been doing EMDR since then and getting markedly better. For a while, my partner blamed my abuse and PTSD for nearly every conflict we had. As I've become more lucid, healed and regulated, I've been able to trust myself more and stand up for myself when they refuse to be accountable for their behavior. In fact, me standing up for myself, as my T recommended, is what eventually led to the grabbing and pushing.

Sometimes I worry my partner was using my PTSD to gaslight me into taking responsibility for our volatile relationship. At the same time they were helping tremendously to support my recovery, even as they were triggering most of my breakdowns. I blamed myself for this for months, but now I'm not sure that was correct.

The relationship had been rocky for a while, obviously. They would give me the silent treatment, sometimes for days, but framed it as a boundary. They yelled at me that I was abusive enough times that I've had to ask my therapist weekly if I am. They were having a really hard time for their own reasons, but rarely wanted to talk about why they were acting surly or down (I was seen as unsafe a lot of the time). Then they'd accuse me of making things all about me when I showed concern or tried to explain my feelings.

Towards the end, the berated me and started arguments when I was trying to help solve simple problems. They would yell at me and tell me I was yelling at them, even when I was calm. I started to feel kind of insane during most of our arguments.

They've blocked me on everything, and asked for no contact. There was no discussion of anything. They just left. I feel so discarded and betrayed. They said they needed me to trust them in the relationship, and I truly did. But they never believed me. Now I feel abandoned, even though I'm sleeping and functioning better on most days than I was before they left.

This would have escalated if they had stayed, right? Unless they got serious help? I keep minimizing what happened even though I know the relationship was unhealthy. I haven't felt triggered since they left.

I know this will get better for me, and I'm working hard at that. I also know in my mind that I'm better off now that they are gone. But I still wonder, what could I have done to make this work? I really wanted them to stay and I keep hoping they'll contact me, even though no one who sees this situation for what it is thinks that would be good for me.

Can anyone else share their experience of being discarded by an abusive partner? How did you get over the hurt?

Does anyone else with PTSD have experience with a BPD partner?

Even though I'm told they abused me, I still want them back in my life, either as friends, or maybe even a partner again some day. My therapist and spouse tell me that I'm better off without them, and that they won't likely change. I know in my mind this is true but I struggle to feel it.

My therapist tells me that our relationship was following the domestic violence cycle and that it would have been unsafe for me to remain anyway. Is this something others have experience with? Did it ever improve?

Should I give up hoping that they will want to have a relationship again, or even talk to me again? I think they blame me for all of our strife, and I think I'm going to have to live with that and make my own closure.

Open to any and all advice and perspective.

Thank you! Glad to have found this group!

Robin

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Robin,

So glad you joined us, although I know that painful experiences brought you here! Thank you for sharing your story. 

It's impossible to predict the future but I agree with your counselor's assessment that the behavior would have continued, if not worsened, if your partner had stayed. Years ago I was married to someone who would back me into things, yell, throw books past my head, slam doors, break things, but never laid a hand on me. My counselor firmly told me that the next step was physical abuse unless he started seeking help so I insisted on marriage counseling. He wasn't able to push through his own work and it ended in divorce.

You know this, but I'll state it anyway: change is their choice. One would hope that they'd pursue therapy and genuine healing. It sounds like you and your spouse would forgive and welcome them back provided they do their part.

It sounds like they're perhaps facing some shame at their own behavior but covering it with projection, is that fair?Is your spouse supportive of you in this?

We are here, Robin.

pj
(she/hers)

[RobinJay]

Hi pj,

First, thank you so much for responding and for the supportive words! It means a lot to me.

Yes, there was a tremendous amount of projection going on, and I'm learning to accept that. My husband has been extremely supportive, and he's been able to see things much more clearly. He's very safe and secure in general, and our partner hadn't yet crazy made him.

They drug out moving their stuff out of our house, until my husband sent them very clear move out directions and a deadline. They left behind the objects that I had to see most frequently until the very end. They were always "too busy" to move out. My husband finally had to pack up some of their stuff and drop it off at their place. It was infuriating and telling that they cut us out of their life because 'it's better for both of us,' but treated us like a storage unit until the end.

In the last month, and with lots of therapy, I've come to see that my partner used various tactics to control me, and that I was absorbing most of the blame for problems in the relationship (and outside of it). The book Why Does He Do That? has been a tremendous resource.

I may never know if they have BPD or if they are a garden variety abuser. And maybe it doesn't matter? Without them around, I have been able to see how much progress I've made in healing my PTSD and life feels calm and stable again.

I'm moving on with life, getting back to the gym, work, and making new friends. It's difficult, but I'm trying not to hold out hope that they will get help and return. I simultaneously fantasize about them contacting me, while also dreading it.

The only outstanding issue is that they are now living with our very close mutual friends, people I don't want to cut out. I'm not sure what that's going to look like going forward. I don't want to be feel banished from our friends' home, and our friends don't want that either. My ex's refusal to be accountable, while living with my friends, feels like one last way in which they are maintaining power over me.