Looking for insight and support

[missing NC]

Hello,

My sister has BDP, presumably undiagnosed.  She is an attorney.  We have been no contact twice in the past and until recently had been no contact for ten years. We are still not in direct contact. However, my elderly mother had been living in my state but opted to move back to our home state.  My sister had refused to respond to her phone calls or letters while my mother was in my state but responded when my mom called her from our home state, where my sister resides. My mother is not legally competent due to dementia and terminal cancer. My sister took her to an estate planning lawyer and changed all financial and medical powers and began a horrific and successful distortion campaign against me and my brother. She has lied to the caregivers, to the police and to my mom. 

Based on the lies, she got my mom to trespass my brother from the facility  and has through her own attorney and "my mom's" attorney said my mom does want to see us or talk to us on the phone.  (Previously she had been taking the phone away from her.) We have an attorney, but I am not willing to put my mom through the additional emotional abuse to which my sister would subject her if we demanded an independent cognitive evaluation.  And I know there is no hope of deprogramming my mother from all the lies.  So my mother will die alone, thinking we hate her and are abusing our sister after no doubt "gifting" much of her money to my sister. 

When my sister got a divorce after abusing her husband, I assumed she would not get custody due to a "suicide attempt," gobbling a handful of pills in front of my parents. However, lo and behold the nanny accused her ex-husband of molesting their infant daughter.  So she got full custody.  My heart stopped ten years ago when I understood what had really happened.  She bragged about having gotten custody because she was "smarter" than him and gloated that the rape examination to which she subjected her daughter "wasn't that bad."  She then got a doctor to say the daughter could not travel in the car to thwart visitation with their father. She continued to abuse him and turned the children against him, finally having them go to court at age 14 and renounce all contact with him. 

I wish I could find an in-person support group as I really am not a fan of online discussion forums. But unfortunately, I have not been able to find one. 

[pursuingJoy]

missing NC, you've been through a lot, I'm so sorry.    Online forums certainly have their challenges but I'm glad you're here. We'll do what we can to provide support.

Your sister wielded her position as an attorney to isolate your mom and her own children. Do you know how her kids are doing? Are you and your brother on the same page, does he feel the same way you do?

I know you don't want to put your mom through additional grief, but have you talked to your attorney about the possibility of elder abuse? There are other members here that know way more than I do about reporting elder abuse and local resources. I'm hoping they're able to share their knowledge and experiences with you. You sound worried about your mom, I would be too.

[missing NC]

Thank you, Pursuing Joy.

I called Adult Protective Services to inquire and was informed that they do not handle emotional abuse.  The facility she was at before my sister moved her suggested APS to my brother. So he had someone come out (to no avail), which of course infuriated my sister.  Her side keeps saying I sent them, which is not accurate.

I plan to try one last visit in the next month or so, but I assume I will be turned away and/or they will call the police. 

I will see if I can view your situation by clicking on your screen name. 

[GaGrl]

APS might not get involved with emotional abuse, but it your sister is pressuring for financial and estate changes from someone with dementia, that would be financial abuse and is a different story.

My stepgrandmother  (uBPD/NPD) had my grandfather change his will while he was in the hospital -- he had Alzheimers. It hurt my mother terribly.

[missing NC]

Thank you GaGirl,

Was your mother able to successfully argue undue influence? 

My understanding is that is it really hard to prove once the person has died. To prove it while they are still alive requires getting a conservatorship, which takes three months and about $50,000.  So it's not feasible because my mom only has months to live.  If she were not terminal, I would definitely have pursued it. 

How was your mother able to come to terms with it?

I know in five years I'll be in a very different place. But right now it's hard not to wallow in self-recrimination for not a) preventing these circumstances and b) responding more strategically. 

[TelHill]

I wish I could find an in-person support group as I really am not a fan of online discussion forums. But unfortunately, I have not been able to find one.  

If you are in the US, there may be one close to you. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) holds twice monthly meetings for support of loved ones of the mentally ill in many locations within driving distance to me. They are supposed to be very good. I have not been  because my own elderly bpd mother is wearing me out. I prefer in-person to online too. A little brag, but I used to date the son (not the child with the illness) of one of the co-founders many decades ago.
https://www.nami.org/  

You may be able to report your sister to your local or state Bar Association due to her manipulation of your mom. I had an acquaintance who went through law school tell me many, many  lawyers are fined and disciplined for breaking laws. Only the most egregious, outrageous  abuses are the ones the public is made aware of through the news or the Bar website.  I’m not a lawyer but it seems like fraud to have your mom’s estate be changed post diagnosis.  Your attorney sister financially benefits after mom was diagnosed with dementia?   It never ceases to amaze me how some people stoop so low.

You are not alone in dealing with a bpd relative. Or with relatives who lie and slander when it comes to their own inheritances & parents. It doesn’t involve me but some of my extended family members who are more con artist than personality disordered
have done this.

Post when you need to and hope you can untangle this soon.

[Methuen]

Oh my goodness.  I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. 

If your mom already has a diagnosis of dementia, and your sister takes her to an attorney where your mom changes her will, and your sister is the beneficiary of that change, that just suggests a red flag... 

I wonder if the new attorney was aware your mom had dementia?  Would your sister have passed that information on?  Because it seems it would bring your mom's "capacity" into question.  I just find it hard to believe an attorney would create a new will if they are aware of a dementia diagnosis, and the new will happens to benefit your sister who brought her to the attorney... but I don't know much about estate law, and other's on this board may have thoughts about this.  I just wonder if your mom had legal "capacity" to change her will...

I can understand that you don't want to make waves, contest it, and cause your mom stress at the end of her life, because of your sister's behavior.  My husband has a very similar ongoing situation with his sister, and elderly father.  My hubby has decided not to intervene and cause his father stress (his sister probably has a personality disorder too). 

Money aside, you have a right to see your mother if you wish to.  I would seek local professional guidance from a counsellor, lawyer or both.  This is sadly, not an uncommon story, within families.  Money can cause all kinds of problems.

Whatever you decide, deep inside yourself, you know what the truth is.  That matters. 

I hope you are able to practice self-care.

 

[missing NC]

Thank you so much TelHill and Methuen.  It helps to hear that others have been through similar things.  My brother and I are working with an attorney. Sadly I think my Aunt was right in saying not to pursue it as I know that our pushing has caused my BPD sister to ramp up my mom's stress level.  It is definitely a capacity issue but to "win" on that point we would have to petition for a conservatorship. I did file a bar complaint against the estate planning attorney but without a conservatorship it was rapidly dismissed. 

I did not file a bar complaint against my sister but my understanding is that my brother plans to after my mom dies. When he confronted her at the facility over the change, she started screaming "Help!" at the top of her lungs, had them call the police and lied to the police and to my mom. He had the presence of mind to demand the police turn over the video from the body cam, which is a brutal smear campaign and include her discussing a case on which she had represented him, which is a violation of attorney client privilege.  One of the cops also said that her smacking the phone out of his hand was assault but they would not press charges. So who knows. Maybe the bar will discipline her at least for the violation of attorney client privilege.  Law really is the worst possible profession for her from a societal standpoint, but it's worked out great for her personally. 

We could demand a cognitive evaluation of my mom but that would a) cause my BPD sister to tell me mom I think she is "crazy," causing her more stress.  The lies she has already told her are absolutely monstrous.  And b) my mom is already too far into the belief that we are victimizing my BPD sister to be brought back to some sort of relationship with us and c) I am really quite terrified that my BPD sister will ramp up the allegations to an even more sinister level . My fear back when the original will was drawn up was that she would hire someone to allege they saw me physically abuse my mom. I had mentioned her having the nanny accuse her ex-husband of molesting their daughter.  I should add that after she absolutely destroyed him and he was sleeping on the floor at work because he had spent all his money on attorneys, she had him put in jail for not keeping up with the demanded child support payments - a high figure given that she was awarded sole physical custody due to the false allegation. 

I did go to one NAMI support group meeting but could not relate to the other participants as I was the only one with a Cluster B family member.  I may try a different NAMI meeting just to see if the mix differs. I would be great to have a face to face support group for those dealing with Cluster Bs. But the forum is helpful, and I have found a few decent videos. I'm not really looking for information at this point, just more of sense that I'm not so alone in this.  Prior to this incident, one of my friends just absolutely could not wrap her head around my decision to maintain no contact. The vast majority of people just assume "estrangement" means some form of grudge.  Anyway, I appreciate the suggestions and comments.  I think the passage of time is what I need most. 

[Methuen]

 

Prior to this incident, one of my friends just absolutely could not wrap her head around my decision to maintain no contact. The vast majority of people just assume "estrangement" means some form of grudge.

Oh you are so right.  It feels like there is little enough knowledge and experience out there, that it just doesn't feel safe to talk about our challenges because people won't understand, and will judge us instead. 

The only safe place I have to share (apart from my husband and our counsellor) is this board.  Thank goodness for this board, where we can support each other.

I can appreciate where you and your aunt are coming from, because of my husband's experience with his sister, and their elderly father.

It's so difficult. 

Sigh. 

[TelHill]

I did go to one NAMI support group meeting but could not relate to the other participants as I was the only one with a Cluster B family member.  I may try a different NAMI meeting just to see if the mix differs. I would be great to have a face to face support group for those dealing with Cluster Bs. But the forum is helpful, and I have found a few decent videos. I'm not really looking for information at this point, just more of sense that I'm not so alone in this.  Prior to this incident, one of my friends just absolutely could not wrap her head around my decision to maintain no contact. The vast majority of people just assume "estrangement" means some form of grudge.  Anyway, I appreciate the suggestions and comments.  I think the passage of time is what I need most. 

The taboo to talk about a child with a behavioral challenge - on the Autism Spectrum, Schizophrenic, eating disorder, a cutter, etc.,- has been lifted. It's still there for adults who have siblings, in-laws and parents who are behaviorally challenged. It doesn't go over well with friends. My late spouse was the only one who knew. I white lied it with everyone else.

I found one support group for another issue a few years ago by asking my therapist at the time to ask therapists she knew. Therapists have networking meetings through professional organizations and keep in touch with each other for referrals. She found a group that was unadvertised. It was a wonderful group. It may be how people find specialized support groups.

The passage  of time is probably the best for your mom at time point. I'm so sorry you won't be able to see her. I understand that is the more important issue. Don't know if it would be worth sending your mom greeting cards to feel a connection with her before she passes. If mail from you is not allowed, put the return address of a church close to where she is residing. My church sends greeting cards to people in nursing facilities.  I've written them myself. We say thinking of you or hope this wonderful lady has a wonderful day.

Wishing you and your mom the best.

 

[missing NC]

Thank you so much Methuen and TelHill.