Realising my mother has BPD

[LifeWithLuci]

Hi,

This is my first post. I’m 42 and spent most of my life trying to manage a volatile, aggressive, unpredictable, paranoid and verbally abusive mother. Oh and a compulsive liar. My dad always said she was mentally ill, but didn’t get her help, nor did he explain what type of Illness. She was sectioned when I was 9, then spent years on drugs, but never fully recovered.

I joined the Navy to escape her, but she clung on through phone calls, dramas, issues - in fact anything that gave her an excuse to cling on. She couldn’t let go. I’ve battled with anorexia, depression, anxiety and OCD. For the last 9 years I’ve stopped seeing her, and these issues have dissolved - but living with her was hell. My older sister has similar traits, I don’t see her either. None of my friends have experienced this behaviour in a parent, so I’m looking to hear from others that have and understand how you have managed the parent and developed through it to live stable and hopefully balanced lives.

[Kwamina]

Hi and welcome to our online community

I am glad you found us because this is indeed a place with many people who know how very challenging it can be living with a BPD parent. I am very sorry you had such a difficult time growing up and that this has affected you so much also in your adult life.

You also mention your dad. He showed insights in your mother's behavior, yet unfortunately your mother did not get any consistent targeted help for her issues. How is your relationship with your dad now?

You've had your own struggles to deal with, these issues have now dissolved you say. Did you get professional help for your issues? I can definitely see how no longer living in the same house as your mother, would make it easier for you to work on your own issues and heal the effects of being raised in such a difficult environment.

The Board Parrot

[LifeWithLuci]

Hi Bored Parrot,

I think his plan was to stick it out until we were old enough and then leave. In the end he didn’t. 

So we just danced around it and lived on egg shells for decades. It’s only now I see how damaging it was. Hindsight is a great thing.

[zachira]

You are 42 years old and have just realised your mother has BPD. There are many people who figure out their mother has BPD who are much older than you are, and most people never figure it out at all. I was raised by a mother with BPD who passed away this summer and have several relatives with BPD including my living siblings. I have been helped tremendously by posting here regularly for two years. There are many helpful educational materials on this site in addition to the stories of many people who are in a similar situation to yours, dealing with a mother and sibling(s) with BPD traits. We are here to listen and help you in any way we can. There are no rules on amounts or lengths of posts. We welcome your reaching out to us anytime.  

[Butterflyqt824]

Hi, may I recommend the book Surviving a Borderline Parent? It helped me a lot.