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Author Topic: Sad, Overwhelmed and Scared  (Read 154 times)
overwhelmedmom

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« on: December 02, 2019, 04:12:41 PM »

My 22yo daughter has every trait of BPD.  We have had almost 4 years of unexplained blow ups, walking out of our home, emotional abuse, and accusations.  I am literally paralyzed with my actions and words.  I am 3/4 thru Stop Walking on Eggshells and WOW - it is like someone has been inside my mind and our home.  I do have a professional therapist who believes, based on her actions, that she has BPD.  I do not know how she is going to make it thru daily life with her attitude, plus she is a regular marijuana user with admitted anxiety.  She graduates esthetics school this week and I pray this will give her a sense of focus although I am fearful of how she will interact with the public.  She made a false allegation against my husband in the heat of discussion with me when he told her to stop talking to me in a negative way (it set her off BIG TIME).  So, now she cannot live with us and she bounces from grandma to her biological dad.  And, we have the fact that she converted to the Muslim faith 3 years ago but only uses it as a resource when she is acting out.  It gives me peace to know I am not alone and I am looking for tools and resources to try to repair and maintain a relationship with her.  I love her so very much....
« Last Edit: December 03, 2019, 01:49:10 PM by Harri, Reason: edited title » Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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What is your relationship status with them: Loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
Posts: 69


« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2019, 05:06:24 PM »

Hi Overwhelmed!   Welcome to the BPD Family.  

We understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed, and exhausted at times.
But ... there is hope!  

I have a similar situation with my son who is now 31.  You mentioned that a false allegation against your husband in a heated discussion with you led to her not being able to live with you.  I have a similar situation with my son, it's not about him living with us but my husband refuses to be around if my son visits.  That makes it so hard, and honestly if we knew everything about BPD back then, this situation wouldn't have ever happened in the first place.

You said that you love her very much.  I love my son so very much too.  He is such a kind-hearted beautiful person until he is dis-regulated.  

My best advice to you is to learn everything that you can about BPD.  There is so much good advice available on this site, as well as in books.  

There is hope for your daughter.  The good news is that she is only 22 and you are here.  My son was 30 before I even realized he had BPD.   That was not without trying everything that I could.  Things are turning around for us and they can turn around for you too.

 With affection (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: December 03, 2019, 01:49:45 PM by Harri » Logged
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2019, 09:24:29 PM »

Hi Overwhelmed
I join Resilient in welcoming you to the group and assuring you that things can get better. It is great that you are seeing a therapist. Having a child with BPD takes its toll on us. What kind of help.is your daughter getting or open to? We are all here for you.
Hugs
Faith
« Last Edit: December 03, 2019, 01:50:04 PM by Harri » Logged
overwhelmedmom

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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2019, 10:27:35 AM »

Thank you Faith and Resilant - she refuses any help or medication - she says medication makes her feel bad - she thinks there is nothing wrong with her, the world has the problem.  I have had her to 2 therapists, acupuncture, medication, meditation. etc.  The therapist I currently see and have seen for 3 1/2 years since the REAL issues started is someone who holds her accountable so she refuses to go back to her.  Currently she is not speaking to me or answering my e-mails.  She continuously blocks and unblocks me from her phone.  The day she made the false allegation changed everything.  She had been living here for a year and a half prior - we rearranged our home offices (we both work from home and my husband is in a doctorate program) which has been very tough - but we did it after she returned home after storming out 2 years prior.  This time it was after an abusive relationship.  She says she is now scared of men.  My husband is fiercely protective of me but has bitten his tongue for all this time with her daily treatment of me.  That particular day about 3 weeks ago, we had just come back from a beach trip - while we out of town she was texting me asking for the keys to one of our cars, to send her money for food, etc.  I told her there was food there but finally caved after repeated texts.  Then she got mad when we said no to driving one of our cars - she has totaled 2 and her current car has damage from 2 recent accidents - she proceeded to say that her car was "acting funny".  So, I told her to order food for delivery or walk to get it - we live in a super upscale area of downtown - plenty of options.  She told me to "stop texting me from your watch, it can't understand you".  So I did.  Then she said "are you going to order food for me"?

Then the next day she requested that boyfriend spend the night - she drives him to work and school and herself to school - and she was trying to save gas.  We said no - he is new and we do not know him - every single person she has ever brought into our home has either physically assaulted her or stolen from us - so that is a boundary now - he got furious and did not come home that night.  The next day when she waltzed in right in the middle of our work day - we both work in very demanding positions in health care - I tried to lovingly explain why we said no - she refuted every detail and started packing her bags.  She got to the front door with some of her things and I was crying trying to talk to her and she said "I refuse to be like you - I will not live in your bubble and I won't wait until I am 40 to get my PLEASE READ together like you" (long story - we were part of a religious organization for most of her life - one that totally devalues women until I decided to divorce their cheating father and leave that life - all for the well being of myself and my girls - I did not want a 6th generation repeating the cycle)....So she was screaming and my hubby got off of a conference call and just stood behind me - not saying a word but just present.  She kicked a table at me screaming and he said "Do not speak to your mother that way anymore.  I can't take it".  She then spewed some religious rhetoric and he refuted that - probably shouldn't have but it was an ugly scene.  She then stormed out and I followed and it's like she was possessed.  She then said "I will NEVER be around him again because he looked at me naked in my bed".  Now I am really hysterical - I know that NEVER happened.  The closest thing - that I think she is blending - is her fear of men and one night she went out with friends and he found her naked mostly under a blanket on the kitchen floor passed out.  After about 10 hours she was coherent enough to go get an IV.  I don't know if she is blending all that stuff or simply just lying to make me choose.  She kept saying "This is why girls don't tell their mothers these kinds of things".  I know my husband and his character and the fact that he has 4 girls himself and is fierce protector of women in general.  SO MUCH STUFF.  

I have two other books I want to read - keep going to therapy - try to reach out to her - but it is JUST SO HARD to live a normal happy life knowing she is hurting so bad and needs so much help.  

Thanks for letting me vent!
« Last Edit: December 03, 2019, 01:50:23 PM by Harri » Logged
PeaceMom
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« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2019, 01:04:07 PM »

Overwhelmed,
This is all so very similar to what we’ve seen in DD19 uBPD. I continue to be amazed after 6 mos on this site in how nearly identical the rage attacks, accusations, poor relationships play out. Especially with our young adult daughters.. the 2 books that have helped me the most are “Loving someone with BPD” and “When your daughter hasBPD” by Lobel.

I’m not sure why I continue to be shocked when folks here report this exact same type of behavior. I suppose that I see each human as totally biologically unique living in a specific place with unique circumstances so how the heck can they all act so much alike. We’ve had a mom from South Africa who’s DD could have been mine in Texas.

I know this doesn’t answer anything for you, but maybe it will help with you beginning the steps toward Radical Acceptance of this disorder.

Sending you a hug,
Peacemom
« Last Edit: December 03, 2019, 01:50:44 PM by Harri » Logged
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2019, 01:18:08 PM »

Excerpt
it is JUST SO HARD to live a normal happy life knowing she is hurting so bad and needs so much help.

I know what you mean. It really is hard. But it is possible to find a new kind of normal and learn to live with it. Peacemommentioned radical acceptance. That is a journey I am on. Are you familiar with the concept? Do you think it might be helpful?
« Last Edit: December 04, 2019, 03:51:29 AM by FaithHopeLove » Logged
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What is your relationship status with them: Loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
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« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2019, 04:53:55 PM »

Excerpt
she refuses any help or medication - she says medication makes her feel bad - she thinks there is nothing wrong with her, the world has the problem.  I have had her to 2 therapists, acupuncture, medication, meditation. etc.

My son has been the same, and I have tried the same things that you have described since he was 18.  He refuses any type of diagnosis and gets extremely upset at any notion that there is something wrong and that he might need therapy.  I think that part of him is afraid of being "marked".  He is afraid that a diagnosis could mean that he might not be able to get a certain job or position in the future.  Honestly I can't blame him for that.

I used to tell him that you can't say you are suicidal and then say you don't need help at the same time but that did nothing.   I say he is "painfully unaware" that he has a disorder.  Except that sometimes he will say that he has PTSD from us and cops etc.  But still getting him into therapy is impossible.  A couple of years ago (before I knew about BPD) I got him to go, but he only agreed to see someone with me so we went together.  I really wanted him to see someone on his own and develop a trust with that person but that didn't happen.  We went twice and then once he skipped out so I went on my own.  The therapy did nothing but make things worse.  In one of the sessions the therapist said that he could get it all out - do all the talking - so then he did and at the end the therapists gave him heck for not letting me talk.  And, while I am only there to try and help my son the therapist gave me a book called "Love is a Choice".   I didn't even open it.  Maybe it would be different if I was married to a pwBPD, but this is my son who I will never give up on.  The therapist obviously knew nothing about BPD, he didn't even suggest it even though my son mentioned feelings of abandonment, not being heard etc.  I'm not upset with the therapist, he simply didn't know.  He just saw aspergers syndrome.

Since I have joined this site I found a great video that has changed how I approach this.  If you go to "Diagnosis and Treatment" at the top left and then scroll down to "Getting a loved one into Treatment" you should be able to find it there.   Since watching this video I no longer push or prod my son about this and it has really helped our relationship.    I feel like, at this time I have planted the seed of thought with him many times so I'm sure it's still there.  At this stage it's going to have to come from him.

(Having said all that I realize that your daughter is still much younger than my son, but thought I would still share)

All the best With affection (click to insert in post)


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overwhelmedmom

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What is your relationship status with them: troubled
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« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2019, 10:47:50 AM »

I know what you mean. It really is hard. But it is possible to find a new kind of normal and learn to live with it. Peacemommentioned radical acceptance. That is a journey I am on. Are you familiar with the concept? Do you think it might be helpful?

I am not familiar with this concept Faith, but would love to know more.
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overwhelmedmom

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
What is your relationship status with them: troubled
Posts: 5


« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2019, 10:52:10 AM »

Since I have joined this site I found a great video that has changed how I approach this.  If you go to "Diagnosis and Treatment" at the top left and then scroll down to "Getting a loved one into Treatment" you should be able to find it there.   Since watching this video I no longer push or prod my son about this and it has really helped our relationship.    I feel like, at this time I have planted the seed of thought with him many times so I'm sure it's still there.  At this stage it's going to have to come from him.

I am going to watch this - thank you - with the reading I have done thus far, I am learning that it takes a therapist with experience in BPD to make a difference and the person with BPD willing to stay the course.  I am like you, this is my daughter and I will NEVER give up on her - learning a new norm is proving to be a challenge for me, however.  Especially since she isn't speaking to me right now Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  Thank you for this suggestion
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