I just want to get my life back, I can`t do this anymore

[Thanos]

Hello people, been a long time  

So last time I was here, she had sent me a friend request. So like I said, i was sure that I can handle that situation. Long story short, few days later I was having sex with her. Then all old same came up, "you are my soulmate" etc. At the same time she was harassing her ex boyfriend. That same ex she was after our break up. Poor guy was trying so hard to win her back, but I was witnessing all the devaluation she was giving him. I felt so bad, but at the same time I was happy to be back in that sick life. She was using me to punish him. Said to him that I am back with Thanos and he is my real soulmate and we are having best sex ever. It was just so sick. At the same time, felt like I was going crazy with her, having really bad anxiety. Same time thinking what the hell are you doing Thanos, why are you killing yourself? Two weeks later I had to go for a work abroad, for a month. Before I went, she was asking me funny questions about age difference. Apparently  she was having conversation with 52 years old millionaire, just about life etc (She is 28 years old). For me it was a big red flag. Went to work, two weeks later I was feeling strange, she responds coldly and takes forever to get a reply. So I asked what is going on etc. She just didn`t care anymore, said that she feels distant and don`t know how she feels anymore. So for me it was a breaking point. I said that I just can`t take this anymore, it makes me sick and anxious. I was sure she was meeting that 52 years old millionaire. We ended there, and had a NC for a 2 weeks. When I went back from work 2 weeks later, she called me that she has something to talk about. So we met and she said how much good time she`s been having, dinners at the most exclusive restaurants and so on. At the same time she didn`t tell with who. So she said that she is leaving for a trip for few weeks and she wanted to know if that is fine with me. Most of the part I was seeing that she is doing this to make me sad and to manipulate. I said that I don`t care as I am moving on with my life and so should she. She said that she`s never been happier and that it is her dream come true to have that new "sugardaddy" in her life. I wished her the best and we went our ways.
2 months later. I see her at our local gym. And I feel that anguish and anxiety. But still feel that stupid feeling in my chest, that i still miss her. We didn`t talk, i was distant. So week later I was at Tinder and saw her. Trust me I didn`t want to swipe right or left, but was so confused that I accidentaly swiped right and we matched. So I was panicking, what to I do? Minute later she sent me message, asking me "You said you are moving on with your life". I said I am, but I don`t know what i want anymore. I was really confused. We arranged to meet at evening, to have a walk and a chat. So when I met her, she said we should go to her place, it`s more private. I knew where it was going but I agreed. Apparently she had a fight with her new "sugardaddy" and feels really depressed and lonely. So ofcourse I comforted her, that it`s going to be fine. The all the charming begin, that I missed your hands, your smell etc. Few moments later we had sex. So I stayed there for a night. At the morning she acted like I was nobody, just a bootycall. I felt so freaking bad, like why am I doing this. Why am I so WEAK? To worst part is that few days later she went back to him and let me know that I should move on with my life. So I was thinking, like how can she cheat and lie and just walk away like that. She was cheating him with me, the ex. How am I seeing this right now, that she is a cheating lier, and is using me for comfort.
And still few weeks later, they broke up. And who is first person to call? Me, same ex who lets himself be trampled on, who has no dignity. Now she let`s me know that she feels the love for me, that she wants a child with me, That I am the only person who is there allways. It´s just sickening to write that, like in some horror movie.
You know what, I said that I want that child. I felt like this is the only way, because she won`t let me go and I can FIX her. Fix her when i provide her with family. So we had a go for a month, no protection. Same time I was feeling like it has to be this way and the same time I was feeling anxious that I will end in mental hospital if I`m going to have a child with her. But thank god, she didn`t get pregnant first time. So then I sit down with her and said we can`t have a child, it`s irresponsible for all of us, especially for the child. First you have to get a treatment, but she refuses like allways.
We had a vacation planned (That was this month). 4 days before, we had a fight. Same usual gaslighting manipulation. She gave me silent treatment. I contacted her 2 days before departure. Asked her to meet me so we can talk before we go to our vacation. She was really cold and said that I can`t and say what you have to say on the phone. I asked if she want`s me on that trip and she just said that she don`t care, she can go alone or take somebody else, if I don`t want to. So I explained how I felt, hurt and disrespected. She didn`t care. So I made the decision to just walk away, If I have some dignity left in me. I sent her this letter:

My heart's wish is that we move on with our lives. At this point I need to flip a new page, but for that I have to let go of the old one. I want to channel all my energy into the future, to fulfill my goals.
You are very dear to me, you always have a place in my heart. But as we both understand, love is not always enough. I'm very grateful to you, without you I wouldn't know what it means to be somebody's world. There are very good and supportive people beside you, it gives me peace of mind. Certainly somewhere there is someone you can trust and love with all your heart who will give you a loving family. I'm sorry it had to go that way, life isn't always fair. But everything happens for a reason, we learn from it and move on with life to find the happiness we seek.
I am pleased that we have all been spoken to from the heart. Obviously, traveling with you is not a good idea, these emotions cannot be suppressed. Hope you still have fun and enjoy the warm sun!


Believe me, this decision did not come lightly. I talked with my supporters that there is nothing good about this trip and that you must end this relationship before it is too late.

Heard from my friend, who is following her Instagram, that she went to our vacation and she has some boyfriend with her.

It`s been 2 weeks now NC, she came back from vacation 6 days ago.

I drove by our local gym 2 days ago, where I go to and she was there. Thing is she goes to other gym usually as she lives in the city. (I live in the suburb where that gym is).
I am sure she is trying to get contact with me. But at the same time she has me blocked at social media etc.

I just want to get my life back, I can`t do this anymore. I say i won`t as this is tip of the iceberg, but like you can see, I AM WEAK!

When I read all of this, I finally realize that I am like her, the crazy one. She made me that way in 2 and half years, on and off, manipulations etc.

Sorry for the typos, English is not my native language.

[Teddy007]

A lot of this sounds like what i have been through. I could relate to so many of this things. I am right now 4 weeks NC and she is with her new supply witch she left me for. All the same crazy things has been going on with me and her as with you and your ex.

The last time she charmd me she got me to have sex with her and said all the same manipulation things that your ex did. About how she loved me and misses my so much and wants to come back to me. She is like a drug to me so i just could not resist her. Well she did not come back, she did not leave the new supply. What she did was to tell me that the have the greatest sex ever and that she comes every time and that she is going to be with him.

Before all this i was in NC 2 months from her before she charmd me. Brother listen to me. She is like drug, you are addicted to her. What you are writing is that you want to move on but what you are doing is the complete opposite. I understand it´s really hard. A good looking crazy women who plays the victim and have sex like  a porn star. Who wouldn´t get addicted to that.

But you need to realise that we are nothing but supply to this people. They don´t feel empathy. The don´t care about anybody else. They feed on affection and validation for fuel. The Bordeline is Narc. It´s just a little bit different but the same dark thoughts are there.

I have come to realise that the only way and i mean only way to SAVE YOUR LIFE is to understand that you have to start treating her like she is lethal, dangerous, poison, cancer... to you. I can go on and on and on. But you need to focus and think clear. Thing about yourself!

This one will hurt but you are not special, i am not special. We mean nothing to them. The only way you will get better and heal is to go no contact and i mean everywhere no contact. Delete her out of your life and start to heal. This is the only way my friend. You are trauma bond, that is what this is. It´s not love it´s not affection. It´s only a toxic addiction.

So now we will take back or lives and live because we are worth better! And there are more in life than this! Gods speed my friend. One more thing you need to know. This was never about you, and it never will be!

BE STRONG!

[Rev]

My heart's wish is that we move on with our lives.

Believe me, this decision did not come lightly. I talked with my supporters that there is nothing good about this trip and that you must end this relationship before it is too late.

I just want to get my life back, I can`t do this anymore. I say i won`t as this is tip of the iceberg, but like you can see, I AM WEAK!

Sorry for the typos, English is not my native language.

Hi Thanos -

Are you in counselling?  If not, I would strongly suggest you go in order to get some coaching.  I have read the entire thread. I am not sure that you are weak so much as you are spending your efforts in a place where you can't win. You will never find the "will power" to simply "resist" temptation - especially if your male ego is involved. You will get better mileage by learning to think in a newer way - this is learned. Men are not naturally taught how to deal with the manipulation?

If you don't mind, can you talk a little bit about how you are feeling in the moment when you know she has her hooks in you?  What image of a man are you trying to live up to? 

My own mentor kept repeating two things to me until they stuck and then I learned to accept the my image of a good man was perhaps the very thing that my ex was using against me.

My mentor said"

1) Stop trying to have a conversation with a person that doesn't actually exist.
2) You can't have only a little bit of heroin.

You need to retrain your brain my brother. It's the only thing that will tame your heart.

Rev.

[Longterm]

Hi Thanos.

That was quite a read. I understand the connection and the dissonance involved and the effects it has.

You are not crazy, you are in a toxic cycle that will eventually end, how many cycles will it take? Who knows, but the cycle will only end when one of you has truly had enough. It takes 2 to keep a relationship going and if one is committed to not being in said relationship, it will at some point end.

You have said multiple times that you no longer want part of this relationship, yet your actions show a different intention.
I think it's important that you look at the part you are playing here in the dysfunction. NC means NC, including phone numbers. Technically you are not in NC as your ex can contact you whenever she pleases and vice versa. If you are committed to staying away and moving on with your life I would think about ways in which you could make this a reality.

As the relationship cycles increase, they tend to be more destructive and can seriously impact your mental health as you become more enmeshed in the dysfunction, the consequences of this can be devastating.

Therapy would be a very good idea right now to help you work through the trauma bonding, as well as talking about your feelings here and with family/friends.

LT.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos, I feel for you. I truly do. However, I must say something important here...do not throw yourself a pity party. Quit saying you are weak. That is nonsense. It takes strength to care. It takes strength to show emotion. Take a moment and step back and ask yourself...do I deserve this? What is your ideal relationship? For all intents and purposes I do believe this cannot be it. I mean perhaps what would be the best thing to do is develop a stronger relationship with yourself.

Taking a stand, pulling the plug and saying good bye is always one of the hardest decisions to make, but there comes a point where the negatives outweigh the positives and that is when you say enough is enough and you cut ties and you move on. Essentially, its no different than in the business world. If something isn't profitable and it keeps losing money its onto the next. In essence, businesses do not want to go under and out of business. Well as people we do not want to self-destruct and implode. Life will get better only when you make the decision to make it better. Dictate your own life instead of letting your life be dictated for you. You are stronger than you think you are my friend. Invest in yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Cheers!

[hardrockcy]

thanos...she is just one word in our language...'poutana'...sorry to say this, but if u really want her, you have to persuade her get treatment. otherwise you'll become a wreck with her behaviors. a better option would surely be to find a WOMAN and dump that child...

[Thanos]

Thank you all, you made a big man tear up! I really appreciate the support, feels like a big family.

So I want to say that I am not here to make myself a victim. As I feel like all of this is happening because of my decisions.
I have been giving myself a hard time, maybe it is because of my male ego, that I can`t help this relationship or give her a family etc. But I have come to conclusion that every recycle gets worse and worse, and there is nothing to gain.

I don`t deserve this, I know that. If I think about it, there is maybe only 10% left of her, who i fell for. She is a all different person. I think because I am allways there for her, she dosen`t wear a mask anymore, she don`t have to. She even said few months ago, when she was going to that trip with a new supply: "I will wear a new mask for him, I don`t want to show my bad side, never"
I still think about it, how can she trust me so much, that she said all those things to my face. Trust me, there is alot more sickening things I will not talk about. Maybe this is the thing, she makes me feel "special" as she can trust me the most?

I have a little backstory for my lovelife. So back in 2011 I fell for love of my life. She was perfect in every way. I was young at that moment, 21 years old. She was 2 years older than me, alot more mature. We where together allmost a year. She was mentally strong, one of the strongest and intelligent woman I knew. Long story short one day she said we have to go our ways, as she wants a family etc. I was too young for that and I knew I had to go my own path. It was one of the saddest and hardest times in my life. But the thing is, we had a mutal respect and no trauma bond. She found a 10 years older guy as me and now they have 2 wonderful daughters. I am feel really happy for her.
But when we broke up, I took my new path. I went to Australia for 2 years straight, away from my family and friends. It made me a new person. Same time if I think about it, I was over her. But that lonely feeling was with me every day, but I was okay with it. from 2011 to 2017 I was single. 6 years. Yes I had some short term relationships, but nothing serious.

Then 2017 I met my exBPD. At first I felt really off about her, like something is wrong in many ways. At our first date she said that If it`s okay I have to say something personal. Apparently she was married and getting divorce, married only for 3 months. She said it was a mistake from the beginning and her ex cheated on her. It was a big red flag for me, because as she stated cheating was before marrying him, so why the hell would you marry this guy. She was love bombing me from day one, something nobody has never done. It was over the top compliments. But to be honest, I am tall handsome guy   So I didn`t take that and made her clear that I would like to if she stopped with too many compliments, it makes me uncomfortable.
I had my boundries, as i had been single for so long. I made her clear that I feel something is off and I we need to take this slow. At the same time, love bombing didn`t stop, I was getting used to it. Feeling like I am the number one man of the world, I was getting suck in to it, without seeing the bigger picture. We had been dating for a 3 months when she proposed to move in with her. At the time I was living with my family, as I had a big accident with my motorcycle and was recovering. So she started to look apartment for us, rental. I was wondering what's there, let's see where it leads. So we found a apartment and had one month to move in.
She is from really wealthy family. So behind my back she had a talk with her mom and dad about our plan to mone to rental. Few days later they bought a brand new apartment for her, so we can have a "family". That was again A BIG RED FLAG. They made a decision behind my back, I felt less than a man. But they knew that they had to give her uper hand, if something goes wrong (as allways) I have to move out.
And thats how I got sucked in to this 2 and half years of sickening  events.

As for today I look back for my relationship with my love of my life from 2011 and know what is it like to be with a healthy person. That trauma bond what I have today can`t be compared, it is just hardest thing in my life. Addiction, my heroin of choice.

But I know that there is a light end of the tunnel and I WILL MAKE IT!


hardrockcy, point on!
PS! She was having a really bad depression when I met her, with panic attacks and it still is a part of her life. But she won`t go to treatment, as much as I wanted. That was one of the biggest reasons I stayed with her, i felt like a caregiver. And as for today she even thinks she has a bipolar, and I can relate to it. But then few days later she says that she just made a joke and she only has a anxiety problems. Even her depression, one day she has it and other day it`s gone. She won`t make any efforts to get a treatment, she thinks that reading books helps her. Saddest part is that her family won`t help her to get a treatment. if I think about it, she probably gaslighting her family as she gets what she wants (her words).

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos...you haven't met the love of your life yet. Secondly, this relationship was just a stepping stone to teach you valuable lessons so you can become a more complete person on your own. Not trying to be cliche but it is true. The love of your life is YOU, but you are not the best version of yourself yet. You will get there. Trust me when I say that. Don't look or search for someone else to complete you. Be complete on your own man and life will get easier. I focus more on building awesome relationships beyond romantic and I wouldn't trade my friendships for anything (reciprocal take a bullet for each other type relationships). I am completely content on my own and if another relationship is in the cards for me...great I am open to it. However, it is not the end all be all. There is so much more to life than that. The best things in life happen when things are not forced. They just happen. If it helps you at all I would say focus on forging strong friendships and create a strong network around you and implement positive alacrity (read up on it...it is quite powerful).

Sermon over.... Truly just trying to provide you some positive mindsets man. Dealing with these chaotic relationships can definitely crush you and leave you feeling devastated, but once you get out of the fog you will be able to smile and look back and go man what the hell was I thinking? It takes time to get there, but you are on your way!

Cheers!

[Hidden Dragon]

If I think about it, there is maybe only 10% left of her, who i fell for. She is a all different person. I think because I am allways there for her, she dosen`t wear a mask anymore, she don`t have to. She even said few months ago, when she was going to that trip with a new supply: "I will wear a new mask for him, I don`t want to show my bad side, never"
I still think about it, how can she trust me so much, that she said all those things to my face. Trust me, there is alot more sickening things I will not talk about.

Yup, my ex told me about her past sex experiences, that she will not tell me because "I wouldnt understand it". Or she told my mother that she "does not know how it will function between us, when I soon move in permanently". We were fresh engaged, and we both knew that something is off, but you rather dont say something like that to fiances mother in a very nice and pleasant family meeting.
When they mirror, they dumbly say sometimes way too much.

And the masks: the hardest part is that they lack self-indentity. They always wear a mask. At some point you will never meet your old girlfriend again. She never existed and you will be a stranger.

[Thanos]

Today I feel this deep sadness. I feel I let her down, but at the same time I know there is nothing else I can do.
I keep thinking what would happened if I went to vacation with her. Maybe I am a bad person and I just took the easy Way out. I know she hates me for doing that, leaving her. Why it had to end so badly, why I make my life so miserable?

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos, you have to stop this. Time to move on. You are not a bad person. You did not fail her. What you are doing is failing yourself by placing undo stress, pressure, and blame on yourself. Stop it! You are not taking the easy way out. Actually the easy way out is giving into the weakness (i.e. letting her have control and dominion over YOU) and allowing yourself to be put back into the chaotic fire and getting abused more.

It is a day to day thing man. Sack up and realize you are saying YES to YOU and your sanity and life. Focus on making your life better and opening the doors for better opportunities to come your way. You deserve better. Workout, listen to music, continue to post on this board. Heal and get better. Do not let yourself perpetuate this vicious cycle anymore. It is not worth it man. Trust me. The best thing you will ever do is invest in yourself and start believing that you are higher value than you are giving yourself credit for.

Cheers my friend!

[Thanos]

Thanos, you have to stop this. Time to move on. You are not a bad person. You did not fail her. What you are doing is failing yourself by placing undo stress, pressure, and blame on yourself. Stop it! You are not taking the easy way out. Actually the easy way out is giving into the weakness (i.e. letting her have control and dominion over YOU) and allowing yourself to be put back into the chaotic fire and getting abused more.

It is a day to day thing man. Sack up and realize you are saying YES to YOU and your sanity and life. Focus on making your life better and opening the doors for better opportunities to come your way. You deserve better. Workout, listen to music, continue to post on this board. Heal and get better. Do not let yourself perpetuate this vicious cycle anymore. It is not worth it man. Trust me. The best thing you will ever do is invest in yourself and start believing that you are higher value than you are giving yourself credit for.

Cheers my friend!

Thank you, means alot!

Mostly I am at the same mindset. But you know, it`s been only 2 weeks from last event and contact. So it is fresh and there is better days and days like today.
What helps me alot, is thinking about future with her. Thinking about all the events, what had happend etc.
If I don`t want to overthink too much, i just repeat:  "All the drama she is living in, I can`t be a part of it anymore, or it will drive me crazy!"

I am going back home tomorrow, been away for a work. It makes me wanna stay here, away 300 miles. I feel safe this way.
I can`t go to my home gym anymore, as she knows she can find me there. Go for a walk to my favorite place. She work at family business, it`s only 2 miles from me. I just want to leave, go far away. But I can move, atleast to other side of the city.
Looking for a new job. I have my goals. But right now I just feel so drained from energy, I feel so fatigued. One day at the time, it will get better!
And funny thing is, I was the alphamale. Who was full of energy and power, who had a goals and hobbys. Who never was afraid other women  That was 2 years ago, when I met her. Before that I didn`t know nothing about cluster B disorders. One day i will thank her, for opening my eyes, and giving me new opportunity for a better life.

[Lucky Jim]

One day i will thank her, for opening my eyes, and giving me new opportunity for a better life.

Hey Thanos, Right, at some point I predict you will be grateful for having moved on from an unhealthy situation.

If I don`t want to overthink too much, i just repeat:  "All the drama she is living in, I can`t be a part of it anymore, or it will drive me crazy!"

Agree.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is with BPD.  No, you don't need the drama and emotional turmoil, which leads to unhappiness.  Suggest you focus on yourself and finding your path out of the BPD quagmire.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

One day i will thank her, for opening my eyes, and giving me new opportunity for a better life.

I have to highlight this to, it was very moving for me to read and thought provoking at the same.

[Rev]

One day i will thank her, for opening my eyes, and giving me new opportunity for a better life.

Thanos my friend, thank you for this. It's not been an easy day for me. My ex and her new supply (her biological brother - yes - you read that right - she's adopted and just found him) landed on my desk today. My ex and I work for the same organization and she also writes for our national publication. Of course my location receives a copy and an utterly disgusting article trying to normalize this relationship is in the latest issue.

Just putting that out there to say - ditto - I am so glad that she is f-----ing gone!

Rev

[Thanos]

Thank you my friends! One day at a time, we will survive!

Rev it is again proof of why you are better off, but I know it hurts alot!

For me start of the week been okay, but today again I struggle with my anxiety. 3 weeks NC and feels like it`s been forever and in a strange way I miss her, I can`t make my mind to think about bad things etc. I am obsessing about her and miss  her scent, being around my arms. Talk about trauma bond... But like I said, we are better off the "DRUG".

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos, it is the normal ebbs and flows of the healing process amigo. I don't think anyone who understands your situation would expect you to be completely healed or fine after only 3 weeks.

Say to yourself though...I do not NEED a woman. Start to learn the process and power of WANT over NEED.

Believe me when I say I got you I mean it. No one deserves to be sh*t upon like you were and every time it has happened to me I came back with a vengeance to be a better version of myself. Its like this man...take the time to truly reflect on you and your life. Not her and not memories of her. I personally have no regrets because ultimately I love me some ME (not necessarily a big fan of Terrell Owens, but the man was onto something expressing self love...). That is where you need to get to my friend. Learn to truly love yourself. Be proud of yourself. I don't mean to become arrogant, narcissistic, and conceited. No, but understand who you are as a person. Be self aware of what you bring to the table and what you want out of life. These relationships serve a purpose to make you better...don't hold onto the mirage that she was the one or that she was the end all be all.

You gotta start to think...man I am a pretty awesome dude. I am a good person. I deserve better than this. Keep repeating that on a daily basis. Additionally, perhaps the most important weapon I can provide for you to incorporate into your arsenal is for you to find a new passion or hobby that truly intrigues you and dominates your mental space...that will help you drop her from your mind and will help move along the process much easier and faster.

Cheers to you amigo!

[Drahkrow]

Positive affirmation of yourself is the key to moving on

[Rev]

Positive affirmation of yourself is the key to moving on

I am finding this to be very, very true - it's amazing to me how powerful the trauma bond can be... If the bible tells us that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away - then, you know... SHE"S NOT GOD!

Thanks for this

Rev

[Cromwell]

You always had your life Thanos it was just a different experience of life and it has been a very hard one to go through. It helped me to recall other stuff in life prior to this and recall that I got through those things I did, feel different about them today then I did at the time and sometimes it can feel emotionally and physically very convincing that it is catastrophic but often it is amplified fear and upset.

Its tricky, this has been a stubborn problem for me but each day is tackling it bit by bit. Try not to feel pressured for overnight cures you've been through alot, it takes time and work to fix. Keep your morale up and pace it, if someone could give you every single answer all at once that you have and it was 100% correct. Would that actually be a good thing? It may seem so but could you emotionally handle it?

I don't think I could. Im glad I learned this as I went along a marathon not a sprint style. Stay strong you'll get through it mate. Cromwell

[Thanos]

Thank you all, really you guys are just the best!

A little update.

Went to my home gym, she was there. She had that angry face, you know that bpd eyes, when you are painted black. We didn't talk and I have no intention to do so. I felt no emotions, she was there and I was there, nothing else. She left and I was feeling relieved. I know now, there is no going back, it's done. There is no love anymore. But at the same time I feel good, she is okay and alive. I don't need  nothing else, just to be sure she is okay and that is fine with me, we can have our own life's now.

[Teddy007]

I had a few good days and felt a little stronger, today it all came back and i feel worse than what i remember. Just though about this post. I also Just want my life back. And want this pain in my stomach to go away...

I have came to the place where i now understand that i would not want her back. What kind of life that would be, and what kind of life this is! Just so depressed right now couse i thought i had some clarity and felt better. And then it just all comes back like i knife going right through your heart!

The depression, the desperate thoughts! All of it. And i just want to understand why i am feeling like this. She has now tried to contact me from 4 different numbers and i have not answer and blocked them all. But today i am feeling really really sad again... Just so tired all the feelings and this nightmare. Why can´t you just wake up from it!

Good to here Thanos that you are feeling better.. 

[SinisterComplex]

Teddy, you are making progress. Keep it up. No one said it would be easy. It just takes time to heal.

The pain sucks, but it is often a great reminder of the lesson that had to happen.

Keep moving forward and keep your head up.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Thanos]

I have been thinking. As I ended our relationship before our vacation, I still feel like I am responsible for asking her how she's been. I feel empathy towards her. Part of it is because I let it happen, to let her come back to my life. My boundaries where weak! She wanted support from me, and then I just ended it. It is what it is, but end of the day I am responsible for ending it. I know it is two way street, but it is on my shoulders and even if I know that it is the end, I need to get some peace. To let her know that all the drama, I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to save myself. But I wish her the best, that one day she could have healthy relationship and have kids.

I am sure she hates me, I don't hope for forgiveness. I just feel like I am weak. My mother said that I let it happen, again and again. I need to take responsibility. I told her that I will fight for this relationship, that I will never leave her, to be a supportive friend. But she knew I will leave her and she was right.

I just hate that it is Christmas time, we have been together for last 2 years for Christmas. Now we are like strangers.

I feel like I want her to hate me, to say it to my face. Just to be done with me forever! But the silent treatment and blocking me, makes me crazy. I have her phone number, email, WhatsApp. I can contact her in few seconds, but I am afraid like a little boy. She has my phone charger and she knows that I need that back, but I just can't ask that, again because I am afraid. Afraid that I will lose myself. How can I feel that mistrust, that I even can't ask one little thing back? From a person who I was so close.

Maybe I feel shame? There must be a explanation!

But every day I get closer to contacting her and asking my charger back. But my support group says that if she blocked you, you can't contact her first, you just can't! But she blocked me because I ended our relationship, and not in the best way. And she said to never contact her again.

Am I losing myself again?

[Rev]

Am I losing myself again?

Hi Thanos,

I've been reading your threads - the answer, I think, is "no" - you are not losing yourself.

The answer, I think, is that you are "finding yourself" and that this is a new thing for you - perhaps new at least that you are finding yourself on a deeper and more spiritual level.  

This journey, the spiritual one, takes place in solitude - which is different than being in isolation - and in your words, it occurs to me that you are mixing up the two - you are in fact isolated from your ex but that does not mean that in solitude, you need to be isolated from yourself or others who love you.

So... I have a suggestion - have you ever consulted a spiritual director?  Do you have any spiritual practices in your life? (note that I am intentionally staying away from the word "religion").

I think that what you are looking for might be there.

As a start - I would suggest that you pick your last post apart - whenever there is a statement or a question, write that one sentence at the top of a blank page. Take as many pages as you wish - and when you are ready - let the stream of conscious thinking/writing/speaking start. Record in some way what comes out.

You'll see a bigger, deeper picture emerge.  It's the deeper part that really counts.

Otherwise, without the deeper part,  you will continue to cycle and ruminate. You will only have only so much energy to do this. The risk of not facing these deeper questions is that other parts of you will begin to shut down. It's like having an app on your phone that hiddenly drains the battery.

You have the capacity to ask really honest and great questions. You have the capacity to hear the answers. You have the capacity to analyse them. You are, right now, at the biggest step of the journey - to live into the answers you know are there.

Take heart my friend - you were born beautiful into a world in search of beauty. You don't need her to show the world what is beautiful.  On the contrary, she seems to be bringing out less beautiful things in you and others. That is the effect of her condition and until she goes through the work - that will never change - and that is very sad.

Prayers and hugs to you my brother.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Thanos, my friend. Oh dear...obviously I am usually more apt to give tough love, but mi amigo...you are too vulnerable right now to handle that.

So, please do yourself a favor and keep the no contact in effect. Please do yourself the service of finding love for yourself. Let it go man. I know you know this is unhealthy. Definitely continue to vent, but while venting make sure you are doing the work internally too. You have to get out of your own way and also allow yourself to heal.

And Rev...truly a magnificent post. I salute you good sir!

Cheers and best wishes to you getting better Thanos. I'm pulling for your success my friend.

[Cromwell]

I just hate that it is Christmas time, we have been together for last 2 years for Christmas. Now we are like strangers.

I hear you Thanos and the festive time of year can bring up memories of prior ones. It was tricky for me, the first Xmas and birthday as these were nice memories. I was still very much emotionally confused and whilst on my way towards detaching, I did think of sending her just a card.

The issue here is having to change. Become stronger and do what was right rather than what seemed kind or thoughtful or perhaps a way to show peace and no hard feelings as I had went nc and ghosted her without giving any reason. I relate to feelings of guilt Thanos.

It is difficult times here but getting through the first Xmas without her is an emotional milestone reached. Of course she may reach out in the meantime and who knows what might happen.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  part 2 of this thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342416.msg13093894#msg13093894

Thank you