CP: Thanksgiving Alone

[Turkish]

No big deal. I had the kids last year. She has the flu snd didn't attend. We had a good time with her family though D also had the flu and slept through it. 

I watched the kids Wednesday, taking off work. I met her at the mall to return them about 4PM, no problem. I was binging Star Trek: TNG on Netflix when I later saw 7 texts which comprised:

"The kids said that you didn't feed them since 1130, is thar true?"

We had Pho then, and I baked blueberry muffins about 2PM which they ate.

"They didn't shower, why not?"

D7 fell asleep on the mile ride home Tuesday night and didn't awake until midnight. (I didn't think to ask S9 to shower. Shame on me)."

"Stop buying S9 hit chocolate at 7-11. My mom has diabetes, and she suffers. We are at risk."

I didn't answer that last one.  Wednesday night, my ex's older brother invited me to spend thanksgiving with them 1.5 hours away. I politely declined and went into work instead. I didn't want to deal with her.

We get along, but I don't want to deal with the criticism over "whatever" I'm not doing right parenting.

D7 got sick Sunday morning, "because she was out in the cold!" No, a virus or bacteria, I didn't say.

A little over 10 years can't come soon enough. My buddy who was married to a BPD like wife years ago told me that after a while. He ignored such texts. Maybe I need to start doing that.

[livednlearned]

Maybe see how it feels for a while. How it sits.

What happens when you don't respond?

[mart555]

Maybe see how it feels for a while. How it sits.

What happens when you don't respond?

In my case I got quite the extinction burst.. "You must be with hookers! I knew it all along!", followed by death threats and whatnot.  Just be ready for it and keep the messages, it may come handy.

[LilMe]

I vote for ignoring 

Mine recently called and told me our 5 year old was having 'severe neurological issues' because one of my adult children vapes. Nevermind that she doesn't even do it in the house. I offered to take her to the doctor, but he said she would be fine. Uh, from 'severe' to 'fine' in a flash!  I mostly just listen and don't respond with more than an 'OK'. Thank goodness he cant text!

Anytime the children get sick it is my fault. Do bad on schoolwork, my fault. He interrogates them on what they eat and do here then complains about it all to them and me.  Eating cereal once a week is going to kill them!  Ad nauseum. I used to get really upset, but I now just accept it as his reality and like you, count the time remaining!

I'll have to watch some TNG again when mine are gone this year at Christmas. My all time favorite show!

[kells76]

Sounds like she's anxious about something... but probably not the kids. Are family holidays triggering for her?

Would anything you tell her (like "I did feed them X at time Y") "fix" what she thinks is "wrong"?

A little over 10 years can't come soon enough.

We're at... let's see... 6 years 4 months 2 weeks, not that I'm counting

[worriedStepmom]

I think you made the right decision not to attend Thanksgiving with her family.

We've come to accept that when we respond to those types of questions/comments/accusations, it validates that she's right to make those comments (and thus, that we are bad parents).  If we don't respond, it validates her belief that we aren't allowing her to be a parent/don't welcome her feedback.  Either way, she gets some emotional kick.  We choose not to respond at all unless there is a serious issue.

I don't believe that things will get miraculously better for us when SD turns 18 (I can imagine the drama when SD gets married and tells her mom that I am invited to the wedding).  We're setting stronger boundaries now, and that helps.

TNG also helps make almost everything better.  I introduced my friend's kids to the series last week.  I highly recommend Stargate SG-1, too (Amazon Prime) if you haven't seen it yet.  We're almost through watching the spinoff, Stargate Atlantis.

[ForeverDad]

A little over 10 years can't come soon enough.

When I separated (late 2005) and divorced, my son was still 3 years old. I started posting here in January 2006.  I went from alternate weekends to equal time to Legal Guardian to majority time with small steps in the subsequent 8 years.  Now?  I have less than 75 days to go.
 
Take it a day, a week, a month, a year at a time.

[Turkish]

I've not responded before when she's sent something accusatory. I debated asking the kids why they told their mom that, but I don't want to put them in the middle.  It's been a week by now anyway. 

I logged into my flex spending account and realized that an auto pay from our dental provider used up $2k in January. I can't believe that I didn't see that earlier.  I wonder if it's worth my time to bring it up that we are to share medical. So we'll be up to $3500 for shared expenses she owes me that I'll never likely see. 

Mom is Dx'd with Depression and Anxiety. This is the Anxiety, in combination with some cultural issues. 

I used to watch SG-1 on saturdays when it was syndicated, then I started watching Atlantis. I watched the movie years later, and realized that while it was good, the tv show was better.

I introduced my son to the original Star Trek, and the colorizatio n and a lot of updated special effects make it better. He liked it.  He also liked some of the original Twilight Zone episodes we started to watch.

I might try to get him into TNG. I thought the first season wasn't great and they hit their stride after season 3. I found out later due to Gene dying, sad but true.

I never caught the last 2 seasons of DS9. I need to catch myself up. I loved the new Battlestar Galactica, but that's a little too adult for my not quite 10 son.

[dt9000]

This Thanksgiving was the first major family holiday without my children and it was hard. I made plans so that I wasn't alone but it was still really hard to not be with them. I've also missed two of my children's birthdays and will likely not have the custody issues resolved before Christmas this year. I feel like I am missing out on so much with my kids. It was suggested by a few friends that I purchase gifts for my children and hold them until I can celebrate their birthdays and Christmas with them in the future.

Regarding accusatory texts: I don't respond. Or in the rare instance that I feel a response is needed I will simply say "that's not true". At first this led to crazy outbursts (extinction bursts, i guess) but this has faded over time.

dt9000

[Turkish]

This Thanksgiving was the first major family holiday without my children and it was hard

After 6 months of her phoning it on as a mom by my judgement,  and the last four months a living hell (emotionally) while she was living with us but with her beau, the hardest time was when she left.

I was glad that she was finally gone, but I was alone in the home I bought for my family.  And having done the heavy lifting taking care of a then 1 and 3 year old, not having them with me was devastating.  I never had felt so alone until that point. I adjusted, though it took a while. 

I hope that you work out the custody issues. It really sucks at first, but time and a new routine helps you heal.