The hopeless talk and vibe is stirring up anxiety

[Trusting-waiting]

I don’t mean to whine... but here goes. My dd is struggling, I know. She doesn’t want to be with her babies father. She stayed with him years too long. The relationship was shallow. They smoked weed and went out to eat. She got pregnant because her guard was lowered while high.

He is very interested in baby or so it seems. I think he wants my daughter so they’ll have the right image.. a happy little family. My dd is tormented because cutting him off harshly (she pretty much did this 4 times), feels yucky but having a future with him is untenable. Her situation and bpd is a difficult combo! 

The energy When she is around feels stifling. When she’s depressed and anxious I pick upon it and want to leave. It’s causing me some anxiety. I don’t want to be that kind of sponge. it doesn’t help her or certainly me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

This is a tough situation. Your daughter and granddaughter and your granddaughter's father all have different needs. Can you say more about how you feel like you are a sponge?

[Huat]

Hi there, Trusting-waiting

Never think you are whining.  This is a safe place to come to...to vent...something so, so important to do in order to keep one's sanity.

While all of our stories differ, there can be similarities.  My heart always goes out to those grandmothers, who like myself, have the extra worry about their precious, innocent grandchildren who are having to live through all the drama.  So, my heart goes out to you.

I, too, consider myself as being too sensitive for my own good...always wanting to make things better...always that feeling of anxiety that can have an adverse affect on my health/well-being.  I like your analogy of being like a "sponge."

Our daughter's children have different fathers.  She lived through periods of being a single parent...we always took up the slack.  She lived with us when she was going through post-partum depression...us waiting and praying that she would connect with her child.  I relate to much of what you write.

It is good to read that your daughter went into a DBT program.  Have you had any counselling for yourself on how to better deal with your daughter's BPD behaviours?

It can really help you in being here, Trusting-waiting.  While suggestions from others will come your way, no one can give you answers to your problems.  With that said, the support will be here as you work your way through one or another of the situations you will be made to face.

Much is going to depend on you because you are where change has to start.

From one grandmother to another...a ((HUG).

Huat

[Trusting-waiting]

Thank you so much Faith and Huat! I guess being a sponge is feeling the emotional temperature in the room. I can tell when dd is really struggling without hearing a word being said or even seeing her face. It’s like the oxygen levels are in decline. I really don’t want to be this empathetic because it feels bad and serves no good purpose. Also I find myself looking for signs dd is bonding with baby. Our family is having to fill in gaps, and while we’re absolutely willing to do so, it would be better for her to have the primary role.

I’ve been searching for a therapist. I had a great one but she took my daughter on as a client (though she hasn’t seen her in a month), as she’s doing an IOP DBT program. I’m going to ask them for a referral. I’m realizing it’s important to see someone who is very familiar with borderline personality disorder, and knows how to support families.

As Huat said, it is challenging when you’re looking out for the well-being of another little person on top of trying to be helpful to your adult child. How are your grandchildren doing? Do they have a relationship with their fathers? Has your daughter been able to establish a good relationship with her kids?

 

[FaithHopeLove]

It is hard being an empathetic person soaking up the bad feelings of others. I am so glad you are actively looking for a therapist who can help you.

[PeaceMom]

Trusting,
My therapist is helping me see that I’m empathetic to a fault which translates as having weak boundaries. She keeps telling me to put on an imaginary raincoat and zip it up to the top so I don’t get wet with their intense issues. I’m learning that my extreme empathy is more a product of my needy inner child than my functional adult self.  It’s gonna take years of therapy for me, but since I’ve discovered this recently and it actually resonates deeply with me, I’m making big changes.
A perfectly innocent, helpless grand baby in the house would be extra challenging, but maybe there are some healthy boundaries you can establish. Best wishes to you!

[Huat]

Hmmm?  "She keeps telling me to put on an imaginary raincoat and zip it up to the top so I don't get wet with their intense issues."  Good one!  Kudos to that therapist of yours, PeaceMom, to come up with those words to ponder!  A favourite of mine is..."Whatever!"

Now, all of that is not to make light of problems...but maybe sometimes better to focus on the words..."their problems"...then get on with your own life.

Trusting-waiting, you asked about my grandchildren.  They are now in their late 20's.  Sadly, neither of them have relationships with their respective fathers and families, nor do they encourage a relationship with us, nor do they have a friendly relationship between themselves.  I question if they even like themselves.  Such is the fallout from the toxicity that consumes their mother, our daughter.  Her attitude and role-modelling with them from early on has been..."if I hate, you hate."

For so many years I was that sponge you write about, absorbing and hanging onto the sadness and hurts that came from all the drama surrounding our daughter.  That was not the family life I envisioned...not the one of my dreams.  Instead of facing up to what was, I hung onto and mourned the one in those dreams...the family life I wanted.  I pined, I cried and life stayed the same for me.

Perhaps (perhaps!) had I changed the ways in which I interacted with my daughter and her BPD behaviours, things would be different now.  The thing is...I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time...and when I knew better...I did better...and I will continue to do so.   Taking on any kind of guilt will not help in my journey of healing.

With all of that said, I do think of those grandchildren...the little people they were...the lives they lead now.  How much weight they must carry with all their dislikes.   Yes, there is always that sadness in me but...whatever!  Hopefully, as their life unfolds, they will learn better and heal, too.

I had dropped into a pretty dark place by the time I stumbled across BPD Family a few years back.  Thankfully I am not the person now that I was then.  I needed to be heard, to be validated. and once that happened I was able to start putting one foot in front of the other, learn better, then start making much-needed changes...indeed, a work-in-progress.  I hope this will be the case with you, too. 

Huat

[PeaceMom]

Huat,
I love it when you share how you have grown and changed without much change at all in your DD. You are a true example of what all the books and experts point to -we can only change ourselves and our outlook, we have zero power over changing our loved one w/BPD. These teenage years and early adulthood are just a hair shy of impossible since she lives with us, but I’m hopeful that if and when she moves out, It will be easier to truly be ME.

[Trusting-waiting]

I agree with PeaceMom. Huat thanks for your insightful words, and the wisdom of experience. I lobpve what you said about doing the best you can with what you know! We can always improve o matter where we are on our journeys.

The only way we can prevent our lives from being consumed by the problems of our children is to have other focused attention. Sometimes that seems impossible. I went back to school two years ago for a masters degree. I’m so glad I did as I was able to finish before my dd started faltering. She had been on a pretty even keel for a few years prior. Now, of, a course with her struggles and a new baby it’s hard for me to fathom building a business. God willing that will happen before too long.

I think for much of my dd’s life I have been so involved hunting for solutions to her problems. I lost myself and did not know where to reach out for help or if it even existed! Bpd causes our children to feel singled out for a special kind of torment (which often makes us the target), and in turn we can feel isolated and alone in our suffering.

I am so grateful to have found this bpd family!

[PeaceMom]

Trusting,
You show great insight in your posts. If you are anything like me, I’m a researcher to a fault. In my defense, no professional ever offered any solid advice that I could buy into. The last hospitalization after Suicidal ideation about a year ago I saw notes on her chart of a “working diagnosis” of BPD. This is when the puzzle pieces started falling into place. My DD is adopted so I always just assumed she was just an extremely challenging kid, but I’ve sense learned how common BPD is in adoptees and foster kids.
Now that I believe we know what we are working with, I must really implement my boundaries in the most loving way possible.
I hope you can focus on building your business. Self care is critical - both to model it for them and to keep us sane.