Miss them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Does anyone here feel like they miss the person but not the relationship?

[boogs152]

Does anyone here feel like they miss the person but not the relationship?

[Cat Familiar]

That’s certainly understandable. I had to break off a friendship with a neighbor with BPD and I really missed her, but not all the chaos she brought into my life.

[Steps31]

Of course

That's what led me back to becoming friends with my ex... and we were actually on great terms for 7 years.
This inevitably brought us back to having feelings and trying again, and literally in less than 2 days all the chaos came out again, but this time I wouldn't go for it.

Now we are cut out of each other's lives.
Yes, I miss her throughout the day. But I think this was inevitable, especially when she doesn't see any issue on her side. (Not that I'm an angel, but... you know)

I think that the person I saw being with me (in a harmonious healthy way) in the future is just a fantasy.

[itsmeSnap]

I did (do?)

Still talking to her, two years on off, one year after last breakup, really not interested in a relationship. She's otherwise a person I enjoy talking to, part of the reason I liked her I guess, but I've changed at least some after reading through the tools and the stories.

Thing is, do you feel like you could separate the person from the relationship, if it comes to interacting again?

[BeachTeach]

SO much.  Ex-bpd-bf made me laugh and, I honestly believe, is a good human being at his core.  But the drama?  The chaos?  The refusal to get into therapy?  Not at all.

I finally managed to go no contact a couple of weeks ago after tons of tries and breaking it off for good back in August.  I feel better and clearer than I have in ages.

[boogs152]

I understand what you’re all saying here. It’s complex and layered isn’t it?

Could I be friends with him and not have feelings? I’m sure feelings would arise eventually but I consider myself a reasonable smog control.

I’m able to see the bigger picture and what his limitations are. The thing that scares me is that he’s often so suicidal. I don’t want to dabble back in that again. The worry you know?

[Cat Familiar]

The suicidality is what made me go NC with my neighbor. For years we had great conversations about politics and she has some remarkable qualities and abilities. She often asked for help and I gladly did what I could do, without overextending myself. I could see that she had “issues” but I chalked that up to PTSD from years of doing search and rescue, and seeing the horrors that she did. She is one of the most remarkable animal trainers I’ve ever met.

She had gotten into economic distress, so I did some research and figured out how she could easily qualify for assistance and worked with another friend of hers to set up a GoFundMe page. She initially was cooperative, but then she became angry and refused to participate.

When she calmly announced that she was going to kill herself, had arranged placement for all her animals, and was burning her personal possessions, I took her at her word. I called a friend of hers who is a mandated reporter and when she found out that I did that, she was furious with me and made threats.

I began locking my gate and felt concerned that she might carry out some of those threats against me. At that point, it occurred to me that she wasn’t just bipolar, as she had told me, she also had a personality disorder. And I wanted nothing further to do with her, so I went NC.

It’s been a couple of years, and I still run into her at the grocery store, the feed store, and around town. We are polite and greet each other, but that’s it. She has tried to contact me a couple of times by email, but I limit my response. I’m glad that she hasn’t killed herself and I’m glad that I didn’t assume the burden of trying to stop her.

[dt9000]

Does anyone here feel like they miss the person but not the relationship?

Absolutely. We had some wonderful times together, especially during the first years of our relationship. When we clicked, it was absolutely amazing. I miss that.

I don't miss the daily chaos and turmoil of being married to a pwBPD. Ugh, that sucks.

I was recently looking through old family photo's and kept finding photos of holidays and family events where my pwBPD wasn't in the photo. She was in rehabs or mental hospitals, or in jail, or slept thorough the holiday, or her anxiety kept her from being around people, or whatever chaos that was going on in her life at the time. It affected everyone. The photo's helped put that in perspective for me.

dt9000

[boogs152]

I can remember after about 1 year into our relationship C* was so locked down into his emotional chaos that he refused to leaves his room. He wasn’t eating much and smoked a lot of cigarettes. My family were wondering why they never saw him and started to ask me what was going on. I couldn’t even invite them to our apartment because C* was such a mess.

My family were concerned about me naturally as I was becoming isolated. I wasn’t seeing them much anymore. Yes there were less and less photos of C* and I as time went on. It wasn’t a relationship it was an arrangement.

I feel sad sometimes and wonder if he ever really loved me. I can’t help but think about him everyday. I’m only sharing my inner thoughts and have no intention of returning as I keep saying.
I know it’s not helpful to think about C* but it helpful to process emotions.

[Cromwell]

Does anyone here feel like they miss the person but not the relationship?

For me it is not a question that I can splice apart.

The two entities could never have existed as stand-alones.

Without a relationship I would have never known her, and via versa. The two things are inextricably linked.

If I was to be in contact with her today, of however limited contact - it is a relationship.

I dont miss any of it, but there are moments where I find myself still remembering it. The difference today is remembering how happy I was and that it was not linked to her, but as a product of who I was at that time, how I felt, what was special about then that has since changed. Same goes for the distressing times, and everything else between.

if i keep the thinking one dimensional as in "i miss her as a person" it is at the same time missing something important to me out, the other dimension from her side. "does she miss Cromwell, the person"?

There are memories that on recall reignite a pathway that produces a bit of dopamine

Perhaps in those moments conflating that I miss her is just a need drive for something else. Maybe I was bored on an uneventful bus journey and had nothing better to do. At a surface level it can be construed as wishing, some latent revival or relationship reboot possibility, more deeper digging down it always extingushises it. The acceptance that I just cant bring myself to miss a person I believe never saw me as one in return.

Theres nothing like the feeling of having been objectified to put a dampener on the "lets start getting fuzzy warm nostalgic now time". It is a product of not being able to miss the person I know of today rather than the person I thought I knew once. A result of staying grounded in the here and now and not drifting mentally into historical archives of a bygone era.  

[SinisterComplex]

I have a bit more of a complex answer here. First I will ask this question in return to play devil's advocate for a moment...do you miss the actual person or what your perception of that person is/was? Do you miss the fantasy of who that person was supposed to be or do you miss who they actually are?

For me personally...I do not miss my ex wife nor do I miss my relationship with her. Do I miss my friend and the woman I potentially thought would have been a good mate...yeah I miss that person I thought she was. I do not miss the person she really is...I am going to go with Randy Jackson on this one and say that is gonna be a NO from me dawg.

However, Boogs you are entitled to feel the way you feel and let no one else tell you otherwise. We all have our own way of dealing with things and we all have to learn our own way.

Cheers!

[boogs152]

Sorry for not getting back sooner. Been processing everything that’s been shared here in this thread. It’s overwhelming but totally relatable to read the words expressed by others.

I’m definitely missing the person I WANTED him to be. Also, the person he was for the first few months when we first met.  I thought if I helped him then he would become strong enough to help himself and of course that never happened. How naive of me.

I have found that as time passes that I’m missing him more. At first he felt great to have him out of my life but now I’ve become sentimental. A mental trap indeed. I resisted it  and realise what’s happening on an emotional level. I at least have that awareness of myself.

Someone here mentioned something like...

“How can you miss a person that never saw you as a person in return”


This  hit me hard because it is ultimately true.

I just don’t understand how a human being with such sensitive issues can’t look at another and not  see their vulnerability too.

Any thanks for listening again

[SinisterComplex]

"thought if I helped him then he would become strong enough to help himself and of course that never happened. How naive of me."

First, don't beat yourself up. Its ok and the reason why...I am pretty sure this sentiment resonates with most of us on this board. I send you a virtual hug...it is going to be alright (the intent is to perhaps create a laugh or smile here). Trust in the healing process and in time this will be a monumental moment for you where you go hey I love and respect myself too much to allow that kind of crap behavior toward me ever again.

Vent as much as you need to and don't let the hurt change your disposition. No negativity. This will take some time, but I have faith that a kind and caring person such as yourself will get stronger and be better.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Forgiveness]

Of course

That's what led me back to becoming friends with my ex... and we were actually on great terms for 7 years.

I find this fascinating. If you hadn't hooked up again after 7 years, do you think you would still be friends?

I miss my ex SO MUCH and would love to have a calm, no drama friendship. Lesbians are known for being friends with exes in a healthy extended-family kind of way, but of course this is without the BPD. My ex was high-functioning, and both she and I noticed that she was not triggered in friendships the way she was in a romantic relationship. She treated her friends well about 95% of the time and she was very loyal and committed to them. She was a lot of fun and had great energy. I miss that so much. She was smart and interesting and knew lots of cool people. I even used to be jealous of her friends, that they could have just the charming fun side of her without the drama that I saw. She always listened well with her friends and she was respectful towards them. Although she sometimes did cancel social engagements suddenly out of anxiety, she generally didn't yell at her friends or get defensive and hurt about tiny things as she did with me.

It's now been two months since the breakup and we are NC. The relationship was a year and a half with zero recycles. I wonder if, maybe in a year perhaps, we could try being just friends. I have no interest whatsoever in romance with her again. I just miss her company.

And yes, I miss the ACTUAL PERSON. She was super smart and bubbly. We had great conversations for hours. Her friends also got the great convos, but without the drama.

[Steps31]

Forgiveness,
Almost sounds like we are talking about the same person.
I think if we didn't become romantic again, then yes we probably would still be friends but there would always be something hanging over us. If I think back over time, I still admired her and part of me felt like we had some kind of destiny together, although I would avoid any kind of romantic talk whatsoever during that time. I, like you, definitely did not want to be in a relationship with her again at the time after our breakup. But... years pass, and you forget. You don't see that behavior from her.
In the last couple years, we were seeing more and more of each other, and the romantic feelings bubbled up. I think it was inevitable that things went this way, whether it was now or a few years from now.
So, although we were really great friends... I don't think this could have been avoided.

You could try reaching out to connect on something kinda neutral like music.
It's just easy to forget how they are in love relationships when they act so "normal" and even charming otherwise.

[Forgiveness]

I will reach out to her, just not right now. It's only been two months.

How long were you with her, and how long did you wait after ending the relationship before you reached out to be friends?

[boogs152]

[/b]SinisterComplete[/b]


Thanks so much for your kind reassurance. Things will get better in time. I just need to give it time and stay the course.

I have been looking at pics of my ex pwBPD today and listening to evocative music. Not helpful I know but cathartic in a way. I don’t think it’s helpful to do this very often but sometimes I just need to feel sad and reflect. The thing that bothers me when I do this is that it instills a longing for him. The fantasy...

Today was not a good day.

[clvrnn]

Yes, I certainly miss my ex. And usually, I can look past faults and want to be with an ex again (codependence!) but... with this particular ex, I cannot look past the rage outburst/s. Any time I start missing her, I end up going back to her final rage outburst, and I just feel too hurt to miss her, at that point.

[boogs152]

I understand what you’re saying. My ex would withdraw and avoid me mostly. He would retreat to his room and be there all day everyday for months at a time.. I guess he was mostly a “quiet” borderline. I did see a couple rage out bursts during our two year relationship. Once he started therapy he was able to catch himself and then it would diffuse immediately. What broke down our relationship ultimately was that he didn’t see me as a human being.

[Steps31]

How long were you with her, and how long did you wait after ending the relationship before you reached out to be friends?

We were together as a couple for under a year, though she remembers it longer than this.
I think it was about 5-6 months until we started speaking again.

[hope2727]

I was asked that recently and had to consider my response carefully. My immediate reaction was "I miss him every minute of every day". (For context its been 5 years NC and I have rebuilt a happy all be it not always easy life.) My carefully considered response, following some sober second thought, was as follows. I only miss him when I breathe ...but that is my heart talking. My head knows that I only miss the person he pretended to be. The person that perhaps he wanted to be.

He loved me to the best of his abilities. It just wasn't enough to be healthy or sustainable.

Its ok to miss him. Its ok to love him. Its just not ok to expect something of him he is incapable of giving, or to wait for someone who never existed.

Meanwhile yes I still miss him, ... but only when I breathe.

[Turkish]

Does anyone here feel like they miss the person but not the relationship?

I feel the opposite.  I suppose that says more about me than her. 

[alittleawkward]

I did, but I'm not so sure anymore.

After finally seeing my xwdbpd after 6 months of bumpiness after a break up, they revealed to me the amount of lying and betrayal they did throughout our relationship. Someone who I cared for deeply told me, their family and friends very personal lies to keep us happy whilst they went off and were self destructive. It was so frustrating to hear this and any fragile hope I had of remaining respectful of them despite their issues has mostly been obliterated. They've also adopted a lot of my hobbies and personality traits that used to disgust them in the relationship so seeing them slowly slip into 'my mould' in what I assume would try to trigger jealousy or curiosity is just sad to see.

We were civil when we met and got coffee and had a chat and I could feel the old sparks try and rekindle and in the moment it was genuinely nice to feel like I was talking to my best friend again but truthfully it was sad and probably a little self destructive for the pair of us. Maybe it hasn't been enough time, but the fantasy I'd constructed over not seeing them for 6 months was pissed on by the reality of it.

[Forgiveness]

I did, but I'm not so sure anymore.
Maybe it hasn't been enough time, but the fantasy I'd constructed over not seeing them for 6 months was pissed on by the reality of it.

That is interesting. Maybe once the addiction of the relationship has waned, you are more able to see the person clearly and not with the foggy vision of infatuation. You are more objective perhaps?

Today I learned that my ex is seeing someone else. Half of me is relieved. This is what I wanted, so that she could move past me. The other half of me feels very heavy-hearted. It hit me with a wave of nausea that I had not expected. But I know this is good. She must move on and I must move on. If we're ever going to be friends again it's only going to be after we are both dating other people.

[Reggie55]

Dated and lived together for nearly six months.  I miss her dearly...

[BeachTeach]

My head knows that I only miss the person he pretended to be. The person that perhaps he wanted to be.

He loved me to the best of his abilities. It just wasn't enough to be healthy or sustainable.

Its ok to miss him. Its ok to love him. Its just not ok to expect something of him he is incapable of giving, or to wait for someone who never existed.  

This is it exactly.  He was perfect...except for when his untreated BPD reared its head and it was emotionally abusive.  Such a mind screw.  

[BrokenSpokane]

Sometimes I miss her, yes and not the relationship. I start to think of who she was when we first met. The first couple years were great. That's the person I miss. But as my therapist points out, that was only part of her. It was a show, a facade to get what she wanted. After we got married, her BPD really showed and that was the real her.

[Timberwolf]

Both But honestly I still would’ve liked her even without that . I don’t need someone to be a carbon copy in order for me to like them