Feeling a bit weird - Part 4

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Mod Note:  Previous chapters of this topic are here:
Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339053.0
Part 2 of this thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339281.0
Part 3 of this thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339793.0;all

Hi all.

I have returned.

It's been a good month I think, a month pretty much the same as what previous months have been like, stress, drama, revelations and working towards a better future.

Off topic but I would like to start with talking a little about the kids and where they are at in their struggles with a dysfunctional parent.

My daughter, I mean what can I say here? I am grinning from ear to ear thinking about the changes in her attitude and mental health. She has been in therapy for a while now and has learnt so much in regards to her behaviour and why she has acted the way that she has in the past. She talks with her therapist about cluster b and has shared her thoughts and revelations. I have said in the past that I believe her mother triggers her and her bad behaviour surfaces once she is hurt and upset. She has had absolutely NC with her mother since may and it shows. She has changed meds to a very basic anti d and no longer uses recreational drugs. She has a job now and is probably the most stable I have ever seen her. She is literally glowing and loving life right now. Her bf is a nice lad and they go on dates etc,  it's really good to see when I think back about her self harming and being scared to death about what could happen. Her T has told her to stay away from her mom if contact is not meaningful and consistent, she however has no plans to talk to her mother. She sees her mother as being very dangerous to her mental health, I'm inclined to agree.

My son is also much better. He was diagnosed PTS and depression/anxiety, he was having nightmares and all kinds of issues sleeping. His mood was very negative. He has seen his mother once I think since may, he organised to have a meal and she let him down then rearranged for the day after, turned up 2hrs late then nothing since. It comes across that he couldn't care less and has nothing good to say about her right now. He is a big lad and has been spending a lot of his time the past few months at the gym. He also does his own cooking and writes me a shopping list every week. He cooks all kinds of stuff and explains how many calories are in it he has lost over 3 stone! Its like hes shrinking but the confidence he is gaining is phenomenal. No more Mr down in the dumps, hes even got himself a gf now he is still in therapy and talks about cluster b with his therapist and has also mentioned it to me which was quite surprising. He said he has been exploring it for a while, I guess the kids are on their own journeys in coming to terms with what has happened. I will keep giving them the same message, that their thoughts, feelings and emotions ARE important and they need to concentrate on what they want and need moving forward. I see myself in a supporting role pushing them to help themselves if that makes sense.

Now for the youngest. He is still living with me. I have heard absolutely nothing from CS although I have requested call backs, they do not seem interested in talking to me or letting me know what their assessment of the situation is. His mother will still not give him his possessions but I dont care, I "flanked" the conflict and just bought him a new wardrobe. Anything else I have told him I will replace and I've already started to do this. I think hes seen his mother twice since he came to live with me, both meetings have gone the same way. She starts crying, talks trash about me, makes him cry and tries to make him feel sorry for her (his words). It all came to a bit of a head the weekend. She was asking him why he doesn't love her? And demanded that he go see her fridays. He surprised me a little if I'm honest because he snapped right back and told her it's up to him if he chooses to see her, she didnt like that. Anywho, he said he feels much more relaxed in general and is nowhere near as anxious as he was. He wants to go to the gym with his brother but hes not old enough. I did enquire and asked if they know of any activities that are local. They said they are starting a kids boxing club soon and the boys seem very keen so I'm happy with that, it will help with anger and the release of emotions, not to mention the endorphins from exercise and all that good stuff. He cannot go to therapy as the age is 11, luckily for him the receptionist I spoke to was lovely and added him onto the waiting list as he is 11 soon. The weather is crap right now so we arent out much so I've bought loads of crafting things and we have been having lots of fun creating things. I've also payed a deposit for a trip to Disneyland Paris hes going on next year, hes very excited.

All in all, I'm very proud of how they are getting on with things, they are showing great strength and I'm very pleased with their progress. For the first time in a long time, we are looking forward to christmas.

So, me...

Hhhmmmmm, I would say I feel a multitude of emotions still, but am a lot more centred than I was. I think in general I am in a better place than I was, mary said I have come on a lot and sees much strength and determination in me. I'm not to sure about this as I think I am still struggling with accepting how things were when I was a child. I have been putting off returning as I do not want members to think I am attention seeking by what I'm about to say, it is not my intention at all but I'm hoping someone may be able to understand how I feel. Basically these realisations about my mother have left me a bit lost and angry if I'm honest. I feel as though nobody has ever given a crap about me, not even my own mother, I mean how does one process that? I dont think I've ever felt so alone in my whole life and it saddens me to say that. I have seen my own children suffer and it's been horrible, I have tried my hardest to make things better for them, to help them. Where was my empathy? Where was my mother? Do you see why I feel so lost right now? How does one fix that damage? How does one rebuild a self esteem that never existed? What is the point? Why me you know?

I understand what I've just written as being extremely self destructive but I cant seem to get past it, the thoughts haunt me, I feel worthless. I think I hide behind the kids, to avoid these feelings I dedicate myself to helping them, does that make sense? I think to a degree, I have "switched off" again and I think this because I have avoided saying it.

It is weird though as i have been doing things i used to enjoy, on one hand you could say I'm getting on with things but I've got a nagging feeling that I'm trying to ignore these uncomfortable feelings.

LT.

[Longterm]

Mod Note:  Previous chapters of this topic are here:
Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339053.0
Part 2 of this thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339281.0
Part 3 of this thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339793.0;all

Hi all.

I have returned.

It's been a good month I think, a month pretty much the same as what previous months have been like, stress, drama, revelations and working towards a better future.

Off topic but I would like to start with talking a little about the kids and where they are at in their struggles with a dysfunctional parent.

My daughter, I mean what can I say here? I am grinning from ear to ear thinking about the changes in her attitude and mental health. She has been in therapy for a while now and has learnt so much in regards to her behaviour and why she has acted the way that she has in the past. She talks with her therapist about cluster b and has shared her thoughts and revelations. I have said in the past that I believe her mother triggers her and her bad behaviour surfaces once she is hurt and upset. She has had absolutely NC with her mother since may and it shows. She has changed meds to a very basic anti d and no longer uses recreational drugs. She has a job now and is probably the most stable I have ever seen her. She is literally glowing and loving life right now. Her bf is a nice lad and they go on dates etc,  it's really good to see when I think back about her self harming and being scared to death about what could happen. Her T has told her to stay away from her mom if contact is not meaningful and consistent, she however has no plans to talk to her mother. She sees her mother as being very dangerous to her mental health, I'm inclined to agree.

My son is also much better. He was diagnosed PTS and depression/anxiety, he was having nightmares and all kinds of issues sleeping. His mood was very negative. He has seen his mother once I think since may, he organised to have a meal and she let him down then rearranged for the day after, turned up 2hrs late then nothing since. It comes across that he couldn't care less and has nothing good to say about her right now. He is a big lad and has been spending a lot of his time the past few months at the gym. He also does his own cooking and writes me a shopping list every week. He cooks all kinds of stuff and explains how many calories are in it he has lost over 3 stone! Its like hes shrinking but the confidence he is gaining is phenomenal. No more Mr down in the dumps, hes even got himself a gf now he is still in therapy and talks about cluster b with his therapist and has also mentioned it to me which was quite surprising. He said he has been exploring it for a while, I guess the kids are on their own journeys in coming to terms with what has happened. I will keep giving them the same message, that their thoughts, feelings and emotions ARE important and they need to concentrate on what they want and need moving forward. I see myself in a supporting role pushing them to help themselves if that makes sense.

Now for the youngest. He is still living with me. I have heard absolutely nothing from CS although I have requested call backs, they do not seem interested in talking to me or letting me know what their assessment of the situation is. His mother will still not give him his possessions but I dont care, I "flanked" the conflict and just bought him a new wardrobe. Anything else I have told him I will replace and I've already started to do this. I think hes seen his mother twice since he came to live with me, both meetings have gone the same way. She starts crying, talks trash about me, makes him cry and tries to make him feel sorry for her (his words). It all came to a bit of a head the weekend. She was asking him why he doesn't love her? And demanded that he go see her fridays. He surprised me a little if I'm honest because he snapped right back and told her it's up to him if he chooses to see her, she didnt like that. Anywho, he said he feels much more relaxed in general and is nowhere near as anxious as he was. He wants to go to the gym with his brother but hes not old enough. I did enquire and asked if they know of any activities that are local. They said they are starting a kids boxing club soon and the boys seem very keen so I'm happy with that, it will help with anger and the release of emotions, not to mention the endorphins from exercise and all that good stuff. He cannot go to therapy as the age is 11, luckily for him the receptionist I spoke to was lovely and added him onto the waiting list as he is 11 soon. The weather is crap right now so we arent out much so I've bought loads of crafting things and we have been having lots of fun creating things. I've also payed a deposit for a trip to Disneyland Paris hes going on next year, hes very excited.

All in all, I'm very proud of how they are getting on with things, they are showing great strength and I'm very pleased with their progress. For the first time in a long time, we are looking forward to christmas.

So, me...

Hhhmmmmm, I would say I feel a multitude of emotions still, but am a lot more centred than I was. I think in general I am in a better place than I was, mary said I have come on a lot and sees much strength and determination in me. I'm not to sure about this as I think I am still struggling with accepting how things were when I was a child. I have been putting off returning as I do not want members to think I am attention seeking by what I'm about to say, it is not my intention at all but I'm hoping someone may be able to understand how I feel. Basically these realisations about my mother have left me a bit lost and angry if I'm honest. I feel as though nobody has ever given a crap about me, not even my own mother, I mean how does one process that? I dont think I've ever felt so alone in my whole life and it saddens me to say that. I have seen my own children suffer and it's been horrible, I have tried my hardest to make things better for them, to help them. Where was my empathy? Where was my mother? Do you see why I feel so lost right now? How does one fix that damage? How does one rebuild a self esteem that never existed? What is the point? Why me you know?

I understand what I've just written as being extremely self destructive but I cant seem to get past it, the thoughts haunt me, I feel worthless. I think I hide behind the kids, to avoid these feelings I dedicate myself to helping them, does that make sense? I think to a degree, I have "switched off" again and I think this because I have avoided saying it.

It is weird though as i have been doing things i used to enjoy, on one hand you could say I'm getting on with things but I've got a nagging feeling that I'm trying to ignore these uncomfortable feelings.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

Dear LT, I see just what you are saying.

First, let me say I am so happy to hear of all the progress your children are making. What wonderful turnarounds for all of them, and how well they are thriving with you there to support them and give them a secure, stable environment!  That's wonderful to hear!

I am glad you are making strides in therapy, but I understand what you mean when you feel lost and angry. Be assured, we do not think you are attention-seeking at all, these boards exist just for this sort of thing to be aired out to people who truly understand.

Your needs have never been put first, LT. Not by your parents, your grandparents, or your spouse. You had an illusion for a while that your mother was aligned with you as a victim of her mother, but now you have had the cobwebs wiped from your eyes and you can see that your mother should have protected you when she did not. That has to be hard, devastating, even, to have your entire perception of your r/s with your mother shift so drastically. Lost and angry would be exactly how I would feel in your shoes.

One thing I want to say to you- this is not a reflection of you, or of whether or not you were/are worthy of love. It does not speak to your value as a person whether or not someone was able to love and care for you the way you deserved. That is a reflection of your mother and the woman who raised her. It is not related to you inherently in any way.

As for why it happened? None of us may ever be able to answer that question for sure. But I would encourage you that what you went through is now enabling you to be empathetic and supportive of your own children in ways that someone else without understanding may not be. That may be little comfort for you, but I hope it helps in some small way.

Keep posting, LT, it is in no way selfish for you to work through these things here with us.

[Longterm]

 

  Your needs have never been put first, LT. Not by your parents, your grandparents, or your spouse. You had an illusion for a while that your mother was aligned with you as a victim of her mother, but now you have had the cobwebs wiped from your eyes and you can see that your mother should have protected you when she did not. That has to be hard, devastating, even, to have your entire perception of your r/s with your mother shift so drastically. Lost and angry would be exactly how I would feel in your shoes. 

Yes, this is it. I feel as though I have always aligned my mother with myself. It is devastating and is a huge blow to my sense of self, it is horrible and a very lonely place to be. Mary has told me that I must remind myself every day that I am worthy. I feel to a degree this has worked but has not completely irradicated the feelings, they are very deep and personal. My anger I think is something that I am avoiding yet I cannot deny that there is anger and resentment that is directed at my mother recently, that in itself is very very weird. I think I am trying to block it out, probably because it is painful.

  That is a reflection of your mother and the woman who raised her. It is not related to you inherently in any way. 
 

This is true, I know it to be true, so why do I keep going back to feeling unworthy and unwanted? Is it because these thought processes are so deeply ingrained? It is very surreal, I do not want a partner or have any plans in the near future, I would much rather just be alone. I think this may be a self protection mechanism, if I'm alone then nobody can hurt me. Which brings me to fear, I fear the future, the unknown, that I will always feel this way. Maybe it will pass, I dunno, but still scary right now.

  But I would encourage you that what you went through is now enabling you to be empathetic and supportive of your own children in ways that someone else without understanding may not be. That may be little comfort for you, but I hope it helps in some small way. 

It's a huge comfort, the kids happiness is very important to me, the way I am actually benefits them so I'll take that. I would rather be like this than hurt others.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

Emotions are not always logical. Knowing and feeling are two different things. Logically, I know that the abuse I suffered from several sources is not my fault nor a result of my lack of worth. Emotionally, I wonder why I wasn't enough to make them love me.

Logically, I know that my mother was very ill when she tried to commit suicide. Emotionally, I wonder why she didn't decide that two-year-old me was enough reason for her to live.

The emotions are ingrained, and I think it also has to do with the neural pathways created from trauma. This is why trauma therapy is so essential, IMHO, because it helps us create new neural pathways and get unstuck from years and years of dysfunctional thought and emotions.

I understand the need to be alone and the inability to imagine finding another partner any time soon. The idea scares me, and I agree, I think it is a self protection coping mechanism. If I don't seek out another relationship, I don't have to face rejection. My emotions tell me rejection is inevitable.

I am not as opposed to the idea if another relationship as I once was, so maybe I won't feel like this forever, but for now I am still afraid to think about it.

[Longterm]

  The emotions are ingrained, and I think it also has to do with the neural pathways created from trauma. This is why trauma therapy is so essential, IMHO, because it helps us create new neural pathways and get unstuck from years and years of dysfunctional thought and emotions. 

I see what your saying, I think this is why it's important to avoid those that keep us stuck in the ingrained way of thinking. I think this is why mary has told me I must work on this daily. I have surrounded myself with more grounded and empathetic folk the past few years, people I can have in depth chats with, chats that are not superficial, I think this is important. I especially think my cousin has helped massively, we can and do chat for hours on end.

I understand the need to be alone and the inability to imagine finding another partner any time soon. The idea scares me, and I agree, I think it is a self protection coping mechanism. If I don't seek out another relationship, I don't have to face rejection. My emotions tell me rejection is inevitable. 

This is something I enjoy, I dont know why though, maybe it's the peace and quiet. I feel as though I could live the rest of my life alone and be fairly happy with that. I have been thinking about the future and will be thinking about it more in the coming months. I see myself single, helping the kids etc just relaxing, hopefully free of drama. I can see why you would fear rejection and its something I can relate to. I dont feel as though I would be good enough for another partner, I often feel like I'm odd and weird and I cant see anybody wanting somebody like me. Again, I know that's self destructive but it's how I feel. It's not on the agenda anyways, I have a girl at work interested but I'm not interested, I feel as though once she got to know me she would not like what she saw.

  I am not as opposed to the idea if another relationship as I once was, so maybe I won't feel like this forever, but for now I am still afraid to think about it.

I think that after what you have been through it is only expected that you would be afraid to put your emotions on the line. I've read that a relationship with a loving, empathetic partner can help heal those like us, I hope that if you do decide to seek out a new partner, you find one like this.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think that after what you have been through it is only expected that you would be afraid to put your emotions on the line. I've read that a relationship with a loving, empathetic partner can help heal those like us, I hope that if you do decide to seek out a new partner, you find one like this.

LT.

Thanks, LT, I don't have the best experience with healthy partners, and I think that speaks more about me than it does about them, so I am definitely cautious.

I also tend to think that there would be something wrong with a man who was not scared away by the craziness that has been my life . 42 years old, six kids, only has custody of one of them, two failed marriages, and the last one was to a man with severe mental and addiction issues who was abusive. That's quite a lot of baggage for any man to take on, so I am suspicious of anyone who would consider it, if that makes any sense.

I think your goals sound absolutely lovely, and that is pretty much what I see myself doing, as well. I used to be scared of being alone, but I find great peace in solitude now- a little too much, so I have to make myself resist isolating.

[Longterm]

I also tend to think that there would be something wrong with a man who was not scared away by the craziness that has been my life . 42 years old, six kids, only has custody of one of them, two failed marriages, and the last one was to a man with severe mental and addiction issues who was abusive. That's quite a lot of baggage for any man to take on, so I am suspicious of anyone who would consider it, if that makes any sense.  

Oh, it makes perfect sense and I have often thought about this myself. How do we explain our pasts? How do we be that vulnerable to a stranger? Obviously a relationship involves being intimate, how could we not talk about our pasts? I feel exhausted thinking about it , I cant be bothered springs to mind. Then as you say, there would be suspicion. I'm thinking of getting me a best friend, someone who will listen to me, someone who wont judge me for being me, and who will give me plenty of love when I need it, a relationship that will be mutually beneficial and reciprocal, yes, I'm thinking of getting myself a puppy

 
I think your goals sound absolutely lovely, and that is pretty much what I see myself doing, as well. I used to be scared of being alone, but I find great peace in solitude now- a little too much, so I have to make myself resist isolating.

I crave alone time, I feel as though I need it, it helps me a lot. I have spent many hours at my local park watching nature on my own. I can see what you are saying about isolation but I very rarely get a minute just lately, besides the kids keep me busy. I think it's about finding a balance, work/kids/housework/hobbies etc. If your think your doing too much isolation think of other areas you can give time to.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

yes, I'm thinking of getting myself a puppy

Yay for puppies!  I would have one too, if I could afford it, and if my landlord allowed dogs. I do have two cats that are keeping me very busy at the moment trying to figure out how to keep them from destroying my Christmas tree.

I suppose that in the past, I realize I had poor boundaries and so now I dread having to tell any new person about my past because I think that sharing too much, too soon is a sign of poor boundaries. I also have no idea where I would even meet someone if I were to be looking. All the good guys I know are taken, and all the men I work with that are not taken are way too young and also not good choices. Nice kids, but lots of issues, besides being...basically kids.

I really think that I am supposed to just continue my healing journey and one day, if God should deem me ready, He will put the right person in my life.

I can relate to what you say about staying busy with kids/work/house/other. I am on the tail end of a semester where I was taking three classes and it has been an absolute struggle to get all my work done in addition to taking care of S3 (who will be S4 in two days). I don't have much in the way of free time, but I could at least find a church home to attend. I keep procrastinating about that, telling myself I will do it when I get through these three classes and only have two next semester. The truth is that I dread going to new places and meeting new people. I just never feel as though I belong.

I think it is great that you are making time for yourself to do things that are relaxing for you such as sitting in the park. It's essential for us to recharge and just...be. I have started some mindfulness practices that seem to help, even though I am not consistent with it yet. But I am doing them more and more frequently. I never was really good at self-care. I remember when my T asked me to come up with some things that I could do that were self-care things, I drew a total blank. I literally had no idea what they would be.

[Longterm]

   I would have one too, if I could afford it, and if my landlord allowed dogs. I do have two cats that are keeping me very busy at the moment trying to figure out how to keep them from destroying my Christmas tree. 

I would have to move to have a dog so it's not nailed down at present, I'm going to decide after christmas more concrete ways to move forward. We do have a cat, we are not supposed to have one but nobody seems to care, the lady next door has 2. She is attacking our christmas tree too she is fascinated with it.

 
I suppose that in the past, I realize I had poor boundaries and so now I dread having to tell any new person about my past because I think that sharing too much, too soon is a sign of poor boundaries. I also have no idea where I would even meet someone if I were to be looking. All the good guys I know are taken, and all the men I work with that are not taken are way too young and also not good choices. Nice kids, but lots of issues, besides being...basically kids. 

It is a sign of poor boundaries right, but how can you get to know someone without asking about them? Then if they are very secretive you would probably think "I smell a rat". Me and a friend from work was actually talking about this tonight. He was telling me to go have fun and meet up with girls. I told him I have no interest and said how would I even go about telling anybody what has happened? Do I start with cheating and drugs or go straight for the jugular and start talking about rapists? Lol I'm going to do me for a while I think. I still enjoy getting up when I want, deciding what I want to do weekends, deciding what clothes to wear etc. I think being single is highly underrated.

One of the guys I work with is religious and he told me that if I ever want a decent girl I should get my butt down the church. Maybe that could be a good place for you to look, when ready 

 
I really think that I am supposed to just continue my healing journey and one day, if God should deem me ready, He will put the right person in my life. 

I like this. I think coming to these types of realisations in life is truly life changing, we will never be the same again and that's a good thing I feel. I also see this as a journey, a journey towards self love, acceptance and happiness. I dont think this is a journey that you just stop, it cannot be stopped, it needs to run its course. If someone drops in my lap maybe there is a reason for it? Maybe there is a higher power? I do feel that everything that's happened was meant to, I cant deny that. I wont be looking for a new partner, she will be looking for me.

I'm in a reflective mood , a bit philosophical for a friday morning 

  I can relate to what you say about staying busy with kids/work/house/other. I am on the tail end of a semester where I was taking three classes and it has been an absolute struggle to get all my work done in addition to taking care of S3 (who will be S4 in two days). I don't have much in the way of free time, but I could at least find a church home to attend. I keep procrastinating about that, telling myself I will do it when I get through these three classes and only have two next semester. The truth is that I dread going to new places and meeting new people. I just never feel as though I belong.

You may find it difficult juggling so much but it's important to see the positives. You are focused and working towards something, you are being productive and at some point it will pay dividends for you and the kids, you will all benefit and that's a good thing. What's a church home? Is that like a social group? Going to new places can be daunting and very intimidating, I can understand your apprehension, it's not easy to overcome. CBT can help with this. When we do something new it can cause huge anxiety but keep trying can ultimately decrease the fear. Also meeting the right kind of people can help us to feel accepted and to feel like we belong.

   I never was really good at self-care. I remember when my T asked me to come up with some things that I could do that were self-care things, I drew a total blank. I literally had no idea what they would be.

Ditto to this. You could try pampering yourself, have a nice soak in the bath. Reading can also be relaxing. I'm a big fan of meditation lately though, it feels as though I am going somewhere else. I find it hard to relax at times but when I do I feel weightless, my chest is no longer tight and I feel almost euphoric, it is awesome.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

We do have a cat, we are not supposed to have one but nobody seems to care

I'm not supposed to have mine, either, but the neighbors have three outside cats so I don't think anyone minds. My landlords hardly ever come by and I pay my rent, so I don't think they really would say anything.

It is a sign of poor boundaries right, but how can you get to know someone without asking about them? Then if they are very secretive you would probably think "I smell a rat".

There is a thread on Family Law talking about this very thing right now: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341117.0

Do I start with cheating and drugs or go straight for the jugular and start talking about rapists? Lol I'm going to do me for a while I think. I still enjoy getting up when I want, deciding what I want to do weekends, deciding what clothes to wear etc. I think being single is highly underrated.

Same! Do I start with the drugs and physically abusive behavior, or the paranoia, delusions, and criminal history? It's ridiculous to even think about.

Yep, you do you, LT, that's what I think, too. It's almost a surreal experience to know that I don't have to walk on eggshells in my own home anymore. I don't know that I would be able to give anything in a relationship right now until I work through some more of the trauma and my own dysfunctional patterns. I have come to understand somewhat how my own enabling and poor boundaries were being used by me to get certain needs met, such as acceptance and love, and until I work through that and find healthy ways to meet those needs without placing responsibility on another person to fulfill them, I will never bring anything into a relationship except my own neediness.

What's a church home? Is that like a social group? Going to new places can be daunting and very intimidating, I can understand your apprehension, it's not easy to overcome. CBT can help with this. When we do something new it can cause huge anxiety but keep trying can ultimately decrease the fear. Also meeting the right kind of people can help us to feel accepted and to feel like we belong.

A church home is a church that you attend regularly, where, ideally, you get to know people and build relationships. My sister has this, and my kids go to the same church every week where they are part of activities and have friends. I have been invited to go with them, but I kind of feel like that is "her" turf, and I would like to find my own. Plus, she belongs to a denomination that I grew up with and I find them a little rigid and kind of legalistic sometimes.

I do still nurture myself spiritually. I really love watching some of Joyce Meyer's sermons and  I read her books as well. She has a powerful testimony of overcoming horrific childhood abuse and how God has helped her work through the trauma and her own dysfunction. It's very inspiring to me.

Sometimes, I think well meaning people push us to "get back out there" and start dating around because they think it will help us get over the failed relationship. But it takes a wise person to know when to start doing that and when to wait. To me, entering into another relationship too soon can be an unhealthy coping mechanism, one that I want to steer clear of. I would rather spend my time building on my relationships with my kids. They have been affected by all of this, so I want to be emotionally healthy and stable in order to help them process what has happened. I am glad your kids are doing well now. I truly believe it is because they have seen unconditional love, support, and validation from you.

[Longterm]

 

Sorry for the late reply, I seem to be most busiest at weekends these days. Believe it or not, most of my free time is at work when things are quiet.

There is a thread on Family Law talking about this very thing right now:  

I just read it, thank you for sharing, I found it a good read 

  It's almost a surreal experience to know that I don't have to walk on eggshells in my own home anymore

It's nice though right? I used to wake up soaking wet from sweating to hear banging and what not, I swear she did it on purpose. I can plan things now I often think about what to do when I wake, whether that be laundry, cleaning, shopping etc or hobby stuff. Our home is empty when I wake (except for the moggy) and I really appreciate the peace and quiet. I no longer fear going home or wondering what I will have to do on any given day to get peace and quiet. There is no day that the result is dependent on someone elses mood at that moment in time, something that I have always had in my life. It is surreal, yet I find comfort in it.

I don't know that I would be able to give anything in a relationship right now until I work through some more of the trauma and my own dysfunctional patterns. I have come to understand somewhat how my own enabling and poor boundaries were being used by me to get certain needs met, such as acceptance and love, and until I work through that and find healthy ways to meet those needs without placing responsibility on another person to fulfill them, I will never bring anything into a relationship except my own neediness.    

I think this is great and I second it. I think we all attract what we project and whilst we are transitioning as I like to call it, we are very vulnerable and emotionally distressed. We will attract likewise if we seek out new relationships. I think people flock together, we are all here due to common issues/experiences.

 
A church home is a church that you attend regularly, where, ideally, you get to know people and build relationships. My sister has this, and my kids go to the same church every week where they are part of activities and have friends. I have been invited to go with them, but I kind of feel like that is "her" turf, and I would like to find my own.

This sounds like a great idea, would your sister let you take the kids though? Or are you thinking more into the future? I know what you mean about "her turf", you just want to do your own thing right? Build relationships that are separate to family?

   I would rather spend my time building on my relationships with my kids. They have been affected by all of this, so I want to be emotionally healthy and stable in order to help them process what has happened

Yes, it shows. Again I think your doing great and remember when your having a bad day that it will pass, your goals is what  matters.

I am glad your kids are doing well now. I truly believe it is because they have seen unconditional love, support, and validation from you. 

Thank you for your words but honestly, I think they deserve the credit. I have supplied a home and tried to make things better for them but it is them that has done the hard work.

LT.

[Longterm]

I think a lot of what I have experienced lately may be perceived as anger, anger confuses me so I would like to jot it all down and maybe make some sense of it all.

Now, I see anger as somebody completely losing it. In childhood and marriage I saw plenty of light switch moments where everything is fine and then not so. Things thrown, being strangled, nearly having a finger cut off etc etc. I see that as being anger. Now I find myself increasingly pissed off with the people I have had in my life, namely my mother. I have a picture of my mother that was on her coffin, original frame and all, plus many possessions of hers that are dotted around my home.

I feel an increasing urge to take these things down, what stops me is the kids thinking something is wrong. Obviously I think coming to the realisations I have has caused this but what confuses me the most is, is that anger or am I just a bit pissed off?

I cant help but also think "how dare they". It almost feels as though I am fighting, as though I am saying "well screw you too". Thanks for nothing  so to speak. Then I go back to the feelings of worthlessness, I go from one to the other, I can clearly see that this is dissonance. Is this also anger, or resentment? Is it both?

I think that the feelings of worthlessness are somehow helping me though. I read in Pete's book that nobody is going to save me, it's very true isn't it? That line has stuck with me. I feel almost primitive, that is weird right? I feel as though it is me against the world, nobody has my back and it's up to me to make something of it. I think there is some fight in me somewhere, I think I see it, there is a part of me that does not like the betrayal I now feel, the worthlessness gets overbearing and my mind then starts with the "how dare you" lines.

I know I waffle on but can anybody understand what I'm trying to say?

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi LT,

I just finished taking a class in which we learned about different emotions and how they are defined. Two definitions of anger as defined in our textbook were ''a reaction to a perceived threat to persons, belongings, or identity that can range in intensity from mild irritation to frustration and rage", and "the feeling connected to a perceived unfairness or injustice". So, if you are feeling "a bit pissed off", that is anger. There is a spectrum to it, and I was really glad to have learned this because, like you, I always equated anger with aggression: sudden, intense yelling, threats, name-calling, objects being thrown or destroyed, physical violence.

I tend to feel shame when I realize that I feel anger, especially if I express it in even the mildest ways of an irritated tone or sudden "snappiness". I think maybe that is because I received the message that it was wrong for me to display anger, even though the adults in my life did so frequently in unhealthy ways. In my abusive marriage, anything that resembled anger from me (even unspoken irritation) was met with criticism and belittlement.

Do you think maybe you are flipping back and forth between anger (wherever it falls on the intensity range) and shame because the two emotions are linked together in some way for you?

I certainly can see how you would have built up resentment over what happened to you as a child. I think that anyone would.

I definitely think that these feelings of anger signal that there is a fight in you. Anger can be a motivator for us to start setting boundaries and to protect ourselves. In your case, you no longer need to physically do this with some of the people who harmed you, but it can be metaphorical in the sense that you are becoming empowered over the trauma that was caused to you. It is okay for you to say that what happened to you was not okay. I think acknowledging that, and the truth about the extent of the damage that was done, is essential in the healing process.

[Longterm]

"the feeling connected to a perceived unfairness or injustice" 

Yes, I feel as though I have been wrongly treated and for this, I am angry.

  I tend to feel shame when I realize that I feel anger, especially if I express it in even the mildest ways of an irritated tone or sudden "snappiness". I think maybe that is because I received the message that it was wrong for me to display anger, even though the adults in my life did so frequently in unhealthy ways. In my abusive marriage, anything that resembled anger from me (even unspoken irritation) was met with criticism and belittlement. 

I can relate to this. Having a think about it I do see that shame is tied to anger. Anger does not sit well with me, it makes me feel very uncomfortable and selfish. I was belittled as a child and in my marriage for displaying anger, called a baby, asked "are you finished now?" And laughed at. Looking at it, I dont think I have ever been able to express anger, it was not allowed, this is probably why it takes a ridiculous amount of crap for me to become angry. I have been asked in the past "why are you never angry?" And "what's it got to take to make you angry?". I feel anger but it's never shown to those around me, it's odd isn't it?

Do you think maybe you are flipping back and forth between anger (wherever it falls on the intensity range) and shame because the two emotions are linked together in some way for you? 

Most definitely yes, anger scares me and makes me feel as though I shouldn't feel it, that it is wrong to express it. So I become angry, feel shame, then feel terrible, out of control even. I would say it makes me feel as though there is something wrong with me. But as I have been thinking about the past 36yrs more in depth, I do switch between the 2.

  I certainly can see how you would have built up resentment over what happened to you as a child. I think that anyone would. 

It was initially aimed at one person but is aimed at many now, another aspect that is difficult to process, I feel like the black sheep.

 
I definitely think that these feelings of anger signal that there is a fight in you. Anger can be a motivator for us to start setting boundaries and to protect ourselves.

I do too. The reason I am concentrating on this is because I have failed to protect myself, if I can be more at peace with anger and be more comfortable expressing it then it should (in theory) be easier to say no to others who would wish to exploit me. The confidence gained from this would also (in theory) boost self esteem and self love.

  It is okay for you to say that what happened to you was not okay. I think acknowledging that, and the truth about the extent of the damage that was done, is essential in the healing process.

I dont think it is ok, it does not sit well with me. I think the extent of the damage done is more visible than it has ever been, on one hand it is useful, on the other hand it is very saddening.

I enjoy these chats.

LT.

[Harri]

Hi LT!

Reading about your progress and your kids is wonderful. 

Anger being a spectrum is important as IAR talked about.  You have seen very limited examples of anger, more accurately termed rage in my mind.  Destructive, unhealthy and violent rage.  You ahve also received the message that anger is a bad thing, something you have no right to and were shamed for expressing.  It makes sense you will struggle with it.

The great part though is that you are feeling anger.  I know you do not like it and struggle with the feeling of shame for having it.  Fight that.  Your anger is a gift and is important for your healing.  Channel it and use it by letting yourself ask the very questions you asked in the first post of this part of your series.  Why?  How dare they?  Your questioning what you experienced and the beliefs you have had about your abusers and even yourself are shifting.  Celebrate that. 

When you feel the doubt and shame talk back to it.  Write it out here, talk about it in T and with your cousin.  Shine a light on it so the shame no longer cripples you.  Hear and really listen to what others have to say about your experiences and allow yourself to just feel.  You will go back and forth between anger and shame, maybe even rage.  It is okay and healthy and wonderful and healing.  BTW, you do not have to agree with my assessment here, but can you trust in the process and ride it through like you have everything else?

As for the things of your moms in your house, take them down if you want.  Store them away.  No need to have a reminder of someone.  I have one thing left of my mothers and I have kept it because I like it.  The rest was given to my brother who wanted it or sold in auctions.  All photos are stored in albums and at my brothers house except for a small one I kept.  Certain pictures of my mom as a kid or with my grandmother who I actually loved.  but they are in on place and I do not have to look at them unless I want to.  I haven't looked in years.

The day my of my fathers service, my friend Chris was over and she took the photo of my mother that my dad and brother put out in a frame in the living room after my mom died and tucked it away in a bedroom I never went in.  It was my fathers house so I had no say in it being displayed and it was important to him but it bugged me.  My friend did it without saying a word to me... sort of pushy but it was a lesson for me.  It was okay to put it away.  I did not have to allow things in my environment that upset me just to please others.  I noticed my brother noticing its absence but he never said a word and neither did I.  So what if your kids notice?  If they ask questions you can simply say "I wanted a change" and leave it at that.

   I think you are doing very well.  You too IAR.   

[I Am Redeemed]

  I think you are doing very well.  You too IAR.   

Thanks, Harri!

LT,

One thing I think is important for people like us to understand is that feeling anger is not wrong. Displaying it in harmful ways is wrong. That is a distinction that may be difficult for us to make at first, and if you are anything like me, I have a tendency to fear intense emotions because I am afraid that I can not contain or manage them in healthy ways. The alternative to succumbing to their power is to suppress them, but neither of those are healthy.

I am no expert, as I am just learning about healthy ways to express intense emotions. Heck, I am just learning that intense emotion is OK. But I think it is important for people who have had their emotional rights taken away to learn that we do, in fact, have the right to feel what we feel. This is not a license to express those feelings in ways that harm others, as we have witnessed other people do, but the feelings themselves are not wrong or bad.

I think another reason I feel shame when I feel anger is that I somehow believe that to feel that means I am just as "bad" as the people in my life who abused me. It's important to make the distinction between the feeling and the action, because anger is an emotion that is common to all human beings, and to feel it is not worthy of shame.

I see why you feel like the black sheep. I have felt that way, myself, many times. But being the "black sheep" in a family full of dysfunction doesn't seem all that bad to me. Seems more like the "cycle-breaking sheep", or the "enlightened sheep". I would rather be the black sheep that didn't follow the rest off the cliff than to fit in and stay in dysfunction. 

[Longterm]

  You have seen very limited examples of anger, more accurately termed rage in my mind.  Destructive, unhealthy and violent rage.  You ahve also received the message that anger is a bad thing, something you have no right to and were shamed for expressing.  It makes sense you will struggle with it.
 

When you say it like that, it makes perfect sense that I struggle with it. It's like dissonance of an emotion if that makes sense. I was told a while back in regards to me ex: "you need to get angry and fast", this confused me at the time but I could not help but feel good when I was angry at her, I always felt more detached. As I feel anger towards my FOO, I also feel very detached, with that comes loneliness and I feel against the odds. When I feel like this I see fight in myself, it sort of forces me to think about myself. I hope you understand what I mean.

  The great part though is that you are feeling anger.  I know you do not like it and struggle with the feeling of shame for having it.  Fight that.

You echo Mary.

  When you feel the doubt and shame talk back to it.  Write it out here, talk about it in T and with your cousin.  Shine a light on it so the shame no longer cripples you.  Hear and really listen to what others have to say about your experiences and allow yourself to just feel.  You will go back and forth between anger and shame, maybe even rage.

Again, you echo mary. She said that by acknowledging it, it will no longer feel alien, it will become more normal and acceptable. Mary likes to point out my emotions and encourages me to expand upon them, to dig if you will, we often end up talking about anger and shame.

  BTW, you do not have to agree with my assessment here, but can you trust in the process and ride it through like you have everything else?

Yes I can. Mary often picks up on my anxiety and when I'm not particularly comfortable. She points it out then tries to reassure me that it is ok. As I've said we have been talking about anger and how uncomfortable I am with it. Like you and IAR she said it's ok to feel it, it is normal. She said if I can master it, it will no longer control me as she said anger and my response to it has been used to control me. I can see what she is getting at and I can see my difficulty with it. I do trust in the process, it is just difficult to get my head around some things.

  As for the things of your moms in your house, take them down if you want. 

It is still on my mind and has been for a while, I'm still thinking on it.

  Displaying it in harmful ways is wrong. That is a distinction that may be difficult for us to make at first, and if you are anything like me, I have a tendency to fear intense emotions because I am afraid that I can not contain or manage them in healthy ways

I do fear intense emotions and I agree here in regards to being afraid that I will not be able to control my anger if I cease to suppress it, that is a fear of mine right now. I am scared that I will display anger in ways that have been displayed as "normal" to me.

The alternative to succumbing to their power is to suppress them, but neither of those are healthy.  

Exactly, suppressing it imo is not helping me process it, thus it traps and constrains me. I will chat to mary this week more in depth about how to process anger. She said before that I need to feel it, to not be afraid of it but I dont think she understands the levels of fear surrounding it, I need to share more with her I think.

  But I think it is important for people who have had their emotional rights taken away to learn that we do, in fact, have the right to feel what we feel. 

Again, you echo mary. She said I have more than enough right to be angry at a lot of people. It's funny you say it but I say these things all the time to the kids yet fail to tell myself.

  This is not a license to express those feelings in ways that harm others, as we have witnessed other people do, but the feelings themselves are not wrong or bad. 

I couldn't agree more with this, it does not give us the green light to abuse, we all have a choice.

I think another reason I feel shame when I feel anger is that I somehow believe that to feel that means I am just as "bad" as the people in my life who abused me. 

Bingo. I share this and I am petrified that I could end up like one of them. This is why anger makes me feel horrible, dirty even.

  It's important to make the distinction between the feeling and the action, because anger is an emotion that is common to all human beings, and to feel it is not worthy of shame. 

How do I go about doing this?

 
I see why you feel like the black sheep. I have felt that way, myself, many times. But being the "black sheep" in a family full of dysfunction doesn't seem all that bad to me. Seems more like the "cycle-breaking sheep", or the "enlightened sheep". I would rather be the black sheep that didn't follow the rest off the cliff than to fit in and stay in dysfunction. 

It's not all that bad when you put it like that.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

How do I go about doing this?

First, I would say recognize how anger is manifested in the body. Be aware of heightened blood pressure, flushed face, tense muscles, tightening jaw, sweating, rapid pulse, fast breathing, and the sensation of wanting to hit something or yell.

Next, recognize that feeling these things does not mean that you will act out. We can question what actions will be most helpful. We can reflect, calm down, and think before acting. It may be helpful to walk away or go off by ourselves when our emotions are heightened in this state before we have mastered control over the anger.

You may want to process your anger through writing. It can help to journal out all the things you would want to say to those who have harmed you so that your mind considers them dispensed. Holding them in unsaid sometimes can result in them coming out towards the wrong people, or turned inward in the form of depression and self-loathing.

Practicing mindfulness exercises can help you identify the feeling when you experience it without reacting or tricking yourself into thinking "I'm fine, I'm fine" when really, you need to feel the feeling and ride it out in order to process it. This may have to be done several times, but it is better than suppressing it, because that means it is still there somewhere.

[Longterm]

First, I would say recognize how anger is manifested in the body. Be aware of heightened blood pressure, flushed face, tense muscles, tightening jaw, sweating, rapid pulse, fast breathing, and the sensation of wanting to hit something or yell.   

I have many physical symptoms, whether these are anger manifested or just anxiety, I do not know. I have clenched teeth constantly and they bleed everyday. I have palpitations, IBS, high BP and slow shallow breathing, many things. I feel these things most the time anyway so its fairly difficult to see what is happening when I am angry. One things for sure though, I have a very intense need to get away and be alone.

Next, recognize that feeling these things does not mean that you will act out. We can question what actions will be most helpful. We can reflect, calm down, and think before acting. It may be helpful to walk away or go off by ourselves when our emotions are heightened in this state before we have mastered control over the anger. 
  

Yes, this I why I like to be alone, to calm and be centred.

 You may want to process your anger through writing. It can help to journal out all the things you would want to say to those who have harmed you so that your mind considers them dispensed. Holding them in unsaid sometimes can result in them coming out towards the wrong people, or turned inward in the form of depression and self-loathing

I do do journaling, I find it very good to write things down, i have not written much about my mother but maybe i should. I think i turn most things inward, whether i want to admit it or not, such is my conditioning.

Practicing mindfulness exercises can help you identify the feeling when you experience it without reacting or tricking yourself into thinking "I'm fine, I'm fine" when really, you need to feel the feeling and ride it out in order to process it. This may have to be done several times, but it is better than suppressing it, because that means it is still there somewhere.  

I tend to let things build up, to try to suppress that there is a problem because it makes me feel selfish to think about myself. It has ended up in the past leading to severe bouts of depression and self loathing. But as you said, that is not addressing the problem. This all comes back to self love etc. If I love myself then I do not feel selfish for having needs, thus my needs are addressed as soon as they become apparent  

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

I see what you mean about not being sure whether your physical symptoms come from anxiety or anger. Honestly, that's a hard thing for me, too. I think my anger is simmering deep down sometimes where I don't realize that it's even there. Since I feel anxious most of the time, and anxiety can manifest in irritability and frustration, it's hard for me to tell, too. I find myself clenching my jaws a lot without realizing that I am doing it, and I have extremely tense shoulders to the point of having back and neck pain. Anger or anxiety? Maybe both.

I guess what my point was is just that maybe it would help to consciously remind yourself that feeling angry does not make you bad. Maybe when you become aware that you are angry you could tell yourself "Okay, I feel angry right now. I have the right to this emotion". I was really trying to highlight that it is aggression and unhealthy expressions of anger that are harmful, not the anger itself.

My problem is that I either ignore the anger or don't realize that it is there and then the next thing you know I am overreacting to something. I may not act out, but I can feel that my emotional level is not proportionate to the situation, so that tells me that there is something underneath that I was not addressing.

I have not journaled in a while, but I need to start back. I never really wrote what I would like to say to someone, but I did write out a lot of feelings and ventings and musings.

I feel you on the feeling selfish for attending to yourself. That is a very hard pattern to break. I keep having to remind myself that I can't properly take care of S4 if I am not taking care of myself. He will experience the fallout if I get burned out. It is just not possible to be completely present for our children when we are not attending to our own emotional needs or ignoring things that need to be addressed. Selfish would be putting our needs above theirs on a consistent basis. Taking care of ourselves in order to be fit to take care of them is not selfish. It's so hard to really wrap your head around that, though, it takes a while to sink in.

[Longterm]

 I find myself clenching my jaws a lot without realizing that I am doing it, and I have extremely tense shoulders to the point of having back and neck pain. Anger or anxiety? Maybe both.  

I do the same. I have had a pain in my shoulder for a while now and have been to the docs and physio, they have told me there is nothing wrong with it and asked if I had any stress in my life at present. These symptoms you and I both have talked about do come under anxiety I guess but can also be seen as maladaptive behaviour, the grinding of teeth and tight muscles etc can be coping mechanisms to deal with unresolved trauma. I read about this in the body keeps the score book, it's a very interesting read.

 
I guess what my point was is just that maybe it would help to consciously remind yourself that feeling angry does not make you bad. Maybe when you become aware that you are angry you could tell yourself "Okay, I feel angry right now. I have the right to this emotion". I was really trying to highlight that it is aggression and unhealthy expressions of anger that are harmful, not the anger itself. 

That's a very interesting thing to say. What your saying is be aware in the moment and understand that what I am experiencing is ok. When I am angry I tend to feel ashamed and uncomfortable, it is not a very nice feeling at all and this is why I like to be alone I think so nobody can look at me. Next time I am angry I'm going to talk to myself a bit more and concentrate on telling myself that it is ok rather than be repulsed by my feeling angry.

  My problem is that I either ignore the anger or don't realize that it is there and then the next thing you know I am overreacting to something. I may not act out, but I can feel that my emotional level is not proportionate to the situation, so that tells me that there is something underneath that I was not addressing. 

Yes, these feelings can come out of nowhere at times and leave us wondering what happened. If you ever feel irritable or that your emotional level is not proportional you could always try the breathing exercises, I find them great to clear my mind in stressful situations, I dont give a crap who's looking either 

I have not journaled in a while, but I need to start back. I never really wrote what I would like to say to someone, but I did write out a lot of feelings and ventings and musings.  

I have a book I write in. Mary told me to just write what I feel and then expand on it. I watched a youtube vid of a guy explaining emotional literacy and how to expand on emotions also. This I feel as helped me to understand what I feel and why on any given day. I dont write much about others if I can help it, mary said to just try and concentrate on myself. I honestly think it's great and think it would benefit you, I got the kids doing it too.

  I feel you on the feeling selfish for attending to yourself. That is a very hard pattern to break.

It is isn't it, one I struggle with immensely.

I keep having to remind myself that I can't properly take care of S4 if I am not taking care of myself. He will experience the fallout if I get burned out. It is just not possible to be completely present for our children when we are not attending to our own emotional needs or ignoring things that need to be addressed. Selfish would be putting our needs above theirs on a consistent basis. Taking care of ourselves in order to be fit to take care of them is not selfish. It's so hard to really wrap your head around that, though, it takes a while to sink in. 

I hear you and I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I am starting to become heavily fatigued again all the time, I am constantly tired even after sleep. After waking I'm good for about 2hrs then feel dead again. I am going to implement some changes after the christmas break, get back to the gym etc and try to take better care of myself in general.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

When I am angry I tend to feel ashamed and uncomfortable

Me too. I think there are several reasons. One is that I witnessed very unhealthy displays of anger as a child and I recognize a lot of my dad in me (which is weird, because for years I thought we had nothing in common. He was almost 49 when I was born). I think he suffered from untreated trauma and carried a lot of anxiety. This would result in explosive bouts of temper complete with yelling and name-calling. When I was a kid, it was mostly directed at my sister (his stepdaughter, who was an adult at the time, but still) but when it was directed at me, I was terrified. The thought of becoming like him is absolutely shameful to me.

Another is that I experienced very violent displays of anger both in my marriage and in a previous relationship when I was in my early 20's. I reacted many times with uncontrolled anger of my own that I bottled up and finally could not contain any more, and each time it happened I was extremely ashamed of sinking to the level of my ubpdh (think the ex BF had a few bpd traits, too, but that's a whole 'nother story) and I found some satisfaction (co-dependency trait?) in being "superior" in my ability to manage emotions, so I was extremely ashamed when I didn't. Now, feeling anger triggers me into fear that I will act stupid, so I have to consciously remind myself that feeling does not equal acting out.

Yes, these feelings can come out of nowhere at times and leave us wondering what happened. If you ever feel irritable or that your emotional level is not proportional you could always try the breathing exercises, I find them great to clear my mind in stressful situations, I dont give a crap who's looking either

Oh yes! I do the breathing exercises. I do them at work whenever a customer is really getting under my skin. I try to teach others to do it, too. We have several people who get really angry about people saying stuff out of the way to them and they have trouble letting it go. The breathing helps.

I hate to say it, but S4 can be a huge trigger for me because he acts a lot like his dad. The difference is that it's normal for a four-year-old, not a 42-year-old, but my amygdala doesn't know that. So I have to take a few seconds and do the breathing and the 30 second mindfulness exercise before I respond to S4's behavior.

[Longterm]

   I found some satisfaction (co-dependency trait?) in being "superior" in my ability to manage emotions, so I was extremely ashamed when I didn't. Now, feeling anger triggers me into fear that I will act stupid, so I have to consciously remind myself that feeling does not equal acting out. 

Hmmm, this is very interesting. I think this could very well be the reason why anger scares the crap out of me, a loss off control, being worried that I am not managing my emotions because growing up I was hyper vigilant of my surroundings and adults emotions. The anger is a loss of control, it represents feelings that I was not conditioned to feel, does that make sense? Shame coming from not behaving in a way I was taught because being angry, fighting back or having an opinion were suppressed.

I hate to say it, but S4 can be a huge trigger for me because he acts a lot like his dad. The difference is that it's normal for a four-year-old, not a 42-year-old, but my amygdala doesn't know that. So I have to take a few seconds and do the breathing and the 30 second mindfulness exercise before I respond to S4's behavior.   

Children are stressful IAR, they can cause all sorts of triggers unintentionally. My kids trigger me when they fight, I cannot stand it, it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. What I have been trying recently is just stepping back and thinking about it. Are they really just being kids or are they displaying rage? Reality states that they are just being kids so "I need to get away" is slowly turning into "they will calm down in a bit". They tend to just play fight but I am worried they will come to harm, a result of other things that have happened in the past. They are just kids I guess.

LT.