Feeling a bit weird

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all.

This is all a bit weird and awkward for me to talk about but I feel like I am losing my mind right now, I kid you not.

Around a month or so ago I had a very weird and scary thing happen to me. I had thoughts about my childhood that were very real and intense. I have not posted about it since but it has not stopped, it has become more real and distressing and I would like opinions on this if anybody has had this kind of experience.

I am seeing myself as a young boy in horrible experiences. I am an observer for the most part but he knows I am present, he stares at me as if wanting something from me but I feel I have nothing for him? I cannot look him in the eyes, the most I can manage is a hand on his shoulder, I can feel the fabric of his shirt as if it were right in front of me now. I am feeling empathy for him but at the same time I feel his current predicament is my fault? That I have wronged him. I see people I know shouting at him, he is looking at the floor and is sombre. There is no sound yet I can smell and remember where furniture etc is like it was yesterday. Others know I am present and are shouting at me too, I am not welcome yet this boy keeps staring at me? I do not know what to say. I see him at school and in his room sitting on his own, staring blankly, he does not smile, his facial features are still.

I went to see Mary today and although we have spoke about various things, I have not mentioned this to her until today. I tried to drop it in on the way out but she had nobody to see after me so we chatted another hour. Mary was very happy with what I said although I felt like a complete idiot. She asked me a few questions and I was stunned by my reply, she asked me to tell her how the boy felt? I sat there for a good few minutes thinking and almost saying something several times before giving up and saying "I really dont know how he feels". How is that even possible? That boy is me, I was there. I was sweating like crazy, my leg was shaking and I just felt completely lost, I was literally staring into space, I could not look at Mary at all, I felt utterly consumed by sadness, the shame was horrible and I used my hands to cover my face, I do not know how I did not burst into tears, she told me she could see my sadness? And that it was ok. She asked "how do you feel when you think of your mom?" I dont see the relevance here but again I replied "I do not know". She told me I blame myself for everything?, what happened to that boy, what happened to my mom, my marriage, my kids, and I need to understand that it's not my fault. I was really uncomfortable by this point and got up and went to the other end of the room, I dont agree with what she said, i dont blame myself at all. She carried on talking about my mom in ways I really did not enjoy and I just walked out, I could not bare it any longer, that was a truly horrible experience. If I blamed myself I would know about it, I think Mary has got the wrong end of the stick here.

My concentration levels are on the deck, I feel like I am disconnected from the world around me and am comfort eating, which i have never done, I cannot eat enough chocolate and it's very weird. Everybody knows there is something wrong with me, and I do not know what to do about it? My emotions are all over the place and I could just burst into tears at any moment.

What is wrong with me, something has changed.

LT.

[Longterm]

Hi all.

This is all a bit weird and awkward for me to talk about but I feel like I am losing my mind right now, I kid you not.

Around a month or so ago I had a very weird and scary thing happen to me. I had thoughts about my childhood that were very real and intense. I have not posted about it since but it has not stopped, it has become more real and distressing and I would like opinions on this if anybody has had this kind of experience.

I am seeing myself as a young boy in horrible experiences. I am an observer for the most part but he knows I am present, he stares at me as if wanting something from me but I feel I have nothing for him? I cannot look him in the eyes, the most I can manage is a hand on his shoulder, I can feel the fabric of his shirt as if it were right in front of me now. I am feeling empathy for him but at the same time I feel his current predicament is my fault? That I have wronged him. I see people I know shouting at him, he is looking at the floor and is sombre. There is no sound yet I can smell and remember where furniture etc is like it was yesterday. Others know I am present and are shouting at me too, I am not welcome yet this boy keeps staring at me? I do not know what to say. I see him at school and in his room sitting on his own, staring blankly, he does not smile, his facial features are still.

I went to see Mary today and although we have spoke about various things, I have not mentioned this to her until today. I tried to drop it in on the way out but she had nobody to see after me so we chatted another hour. Mary was very happy with what I said although I felt like a complete idiot. She asked me a few questions and I was stunned by my reply, she asked me to tell her how the boy felt? I sat there for a good few minutes thinking and almost saying something several times before giving up and saying "I really dont know how he feels". How is that even possible? That boy is me, I was there. I was sweating like crazy, my leg was shaking and I just felt completely lost, I was literally staring into space, I could not look at Mary at all, I felt utterly consumed by sadness, the shame was horrible and I used my hands to cover my face, I do not know how I did not burst into tears, she told me she could see my sadness? And that it was ok. She asked "how do you feel when you think of your mom?" I dont see the relevance here but again I replied "I do not know". She told me I blame myself for everything?, what happened to that boy, what happened to my mom, my marriage, my kids, and I need to understand that it's not my fault. I was really uncomfortable by this point and got up and went to the other end of the room, I dont agree with what she said, i dont blame myself at all. She carried on talking about my mom in ways I really did not enjoy and I just walked out, I could not bare it any longer, that was a truly horrible experience. If I blamed myself I would know about it, I think Mary has got the wrong end of the stick here.

My concentration levels are on the deck, I feel like I am disconnected from the world around me and am comfort eating, which i have never done, I cannot eat enough chocolate and it's very weird. Everybody knows there is something wrong with me, and I do not know what to do about it? My emotions are all over the place and I could just burst into tears at any moment.

What is wrong with me, something has changed.

LT.

[etown]

Hey Longterm,

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're in a place where intense memories and feelings are coming up. I don't know how long you've been in counselling (or therapy?), but this happened to me when I started, too. My counsellor would ask me to imagine my child self and I would just start sobbing. She'd ask me how the kid feels, what the kid needs from me, and I'd just say, I don't know. I'd go home and feel so angry and sad, like I felt completely out of control. It took a long time to work through that. I look back now and I see it as like pulling a bandaid off of a wound that had been festering for a long time. The air hurt. Looking at it hurt. But it was the first step in healing.

Be so so kind to yourself now. You deserve it.

Warm thoughts

[I Am Redeemed]

I am feeling empathy for him but at the same time I feel his current predicament is my fault? That I have wronged him.

I dont agree with what she said, i dont blame myself at all.

Look at this again, LT.

she asked me to tell her how the boy felt? I sat there for a good few minutes thinking and almost saying something several times before giving up and saying "I really dont know how he feels". How is that even possible? That boy is me, I was there.

If I blamed myself I would know about it

You may not know about it. It may be a feeling that has been repressed and stuffed so far down in the depths of your subconscious that you have no awareness of it.

the shame was horrible.

Sometimes a core feature of shame is believing that we are responsible for bad things happening because we are wrong or bad or flawed. That may be what Mary means. On the surface, you may not blame yourself, but your inner self may feel that it is your fault that bad things happened to you and/or others because there is something wrong with you.

I know this is a lot to process, LT, and it most likely is so painful that you can't take it all in at once.

There is an article here about shame: Shame, a Powerful, Painful, and Potentially Dangerous Emotion. I had to re-read it today because shame is something that I have been struggling with mightily all of a sudden.

I think it's possible that Mary was trying to point out to you that these thoughts are some of the repressed feelings that you have stuffed down, the traumas that you have buried in order to cope. By bringing them to the surface, you are actually starting the process of being able to face them and heal from them. She may see this as the start of a breakthrough for you, and while it is scary and it is likely to be very, very difficult, it is necessary in order to process past trauma.

How do you feel about your next T visit?

[Harri]

Hi LT and welcome to PSI.  

etown talked about how they went home after therapy and felt angry and sad.  I can elate tot hat and I know many others here can as well.  I did not always like what came up in therapy and sometimes it seemed things did not fit at all.  I think though that Redeemed pointed out something important and I have seen it in you elsewhere:  the self blame that comes through in some of your words and even when you describe interacting with your little you.  

As infants, we come into the world totally helpless and at the mercy of our caregivers.  To see them as a threat to our safety, physical or psychological is a threat to our survival and we will instinctively take the blame for things that are beyond our control.  Indeed, this runs very deep and can happen without our even being aware of it.  I know it was that way for me for a long time.  I did not see it in me, but others did.  It is okay though if you disagree at this point.  Just don't shut us out completely.  

she asked me to tell her how the boy felt? I sat there for a good few minutes thinking and almost saying something several times before giving up and saying "I really dont know how he feels". How is that even possible? That boy is me, I was there.

As kids, hell even as adults, we do not always have the words to express our feelings, especially if we are shut down as children.   The words will come in time.  

IU too am happy you are able to see your inner you.  It is important to get at the root cause of the shame and to start healing the damage that occurred.  It is hard and confusing and scary and can be overwhelming too.  You will get through this.

She carried on talking about my mom in ways I really did not enjoy and I just walked out, I could not bare it any longer, that was a truly horrible experience. If I blamed myself I would know about it, I think Mary has got the wrong end of the stick here.

Maybe or maybe not.  If she is wrong why such a strong reaction to her words to the point where you just left?  Can you share some of what she was saying about your mom?  Can you put your feelings into words, rather than trying to apply logic?

What is wrong with me, something has changed.

You have started to explore the past and have taken the first steps towards healing, that is what has happened and it has changed you.  Often our very foundation is rocked and has to be re-built when we start this process.  It is okay.  It sucks and it is hard and you do not have to like it one bit... you just have to get through it.  I think it is worth it.

Remember, you are not losing your mind.  You are finding it.  

[I Am Redeemed]

Remember, you are not losing your mind.  You are finding it.

Harri, I  this!

[Longterm]

Hi etown.

Thank you for sharing your own experience, I feel comfort in knowing it is not just me that has felt out of control. I feel as though I am completely switched off right now, full system shutdown. I do not wish to interact with those around me but it is the weekend and I should snap out of it because I cannot ignore my own children.

Hi IAR.

  Look at this again, LT.

Hmm, yes I realise what I did there.

You may not know about it. It may be a feeling that has been repressed and stuffed so far down in the depths of your subconscious that you have no awareness of it. 

I find this interesting. It is scary to think that maybe things are going on that I am unaware of, it makes me feel out of control and off balance.

but your inner self may feel that it is your fault that bad things happened to you and/or others because there is something wrong with you.    

I do feel as though there is something wrong with me, I am convinced of it. So far I have nailed down OCD. I have read up about it and have done a test, I score a solid 22, there is something else though, I think my thought processes are broken, there is something going on.

How do you feel about your next T visit? 

I honestly do not know.

Hi Harri

Can you share some of what she was saying about your mom?  Can you put your feelings into words, rather than trying to apply logic? 

I will try. I think she tried to make me feel wrong for defending my mom, like I was not at fault for the things that occurred when I feel as though I was not blaming myself but she said I was. I think she was trying to say I had been neglected by my mother? And could not disagree more. My mom was a lovely woman and had an incredibly tough life. She was extremely broken and had always suffered from depression, she had been abused as a child by her mother and had suffered so much, to top all that off her husband had died and left her a single parent, I cannot imagine how hard that must of been for her. I was her baby, she loved me, She told me so. Her death almost ended me, I was very protective of her and so we're my brothers, we would not let any harm come to her and despised her mother for how she had treated my mom. I can remember the day she died as if it were yesterday, I can take you to where I was standing at the exact time I got the call, I remember what I said and did, what happened next I cannot say so much. I switched off for at least 6months I would say and switched back on with very little knowledge of what had happened, I distanced myself from everybody, I do not think I could process what had happened? Her death was literally overnight. I understand this to be dissociation now and I am starting to pinpoint specific moments of my life when I have done this, I have been doing it for decades. I remember doing it at my (biological) father's funeral, I do not know how I feel about that either. I would not have had such a reaction to her death if she had abused me, I do not understand why Mary is making a point of targeting my mother for my issues, my mom was my rock, I used to sit and talk to her for hours, me and my brothers used to get together every year to mark the anniversary of her death, she wished me no harm at all.

LT.

[once removed]

is mary a psychotherapist?

[Longterm]

Hi OR.

Yes she Is, she is a trauma psychotherapist.

LT.

[once removed]

I do not understand why Mary is making a point of targeting my mother for my issues

there is something of a bias toward ones mother as a source in a lot of psychotherapy. not a judgment, right or wrong, good or bad.

how we feel about our parents, especially when they are targeted in therapy, is very, very complicated. its natural to be defensive, and to push back. the therapeutic setting is designed, ideally, to get us to push past our discomfort and come out with a more objective view of ourselves and others.

thats not to say that your therapist is right or wrong in her assessment. she could be tapping at something thats uncomfortable, or she could be totally off. hard to say.

what do you think? have you discussed your mom with her much before this?

[Harri]

I do feel as though there is something wrong with me, I am convinced of it. So far I have nailed down OCD. I have read up about it and have done a test, I score a solid 22, there is something else though, I think my thought processes are broken, there is something going on.

What is happening that makes you feel something is off with your thought processes?

I think she tried to make me feel wrong for defending my mom, like I was not at fault for the things that occurred when I feel as though I was not blaming myself but she said I was.

Would it be accurate to say she was challenging your beliefs rather than trying to make you feel wrong for defending your mom?

I remember doing it at my (biological) father's funeral, I do not know how I feel about that either.

Tell us about your dad.  Were you close to him?

I would not have had such a reaction to her death if she had abused me, I do not understand why Mary is making a point of targeting my mother for my issues, my mom was my rock, I used to sit and talk to her for hours, me and my brothers used to get together every year to mark the anniversary of her death, she wished me no harm at all.

You were close to your mom and obviously loved her dearly.  Why not ask Mary why she seems to think your mom was neglectful?  You said you would not feel this way about your mom's death if she abused you.  What makes you say that?

Do you think Mary may be thinking about emotional neglect here?

Again, I go back to once removed's question of what you have shared about your mom and other childhood events.  Did your mom intervene when you were at risk or in the "horrible experiences" you referred to in your first post?  What do you think prompted this:  "She told me I blame myself for everything?, what happened to that boy, what happened to my mom, my marriage, my kids,..."  What happened to that boy LT?  Your Mom?

[Harri]

I don't remember if you have ever been linked to the Survivor to Thriver Program we have tacked to the top of the page.  Does step 1 sound familiar in terms of the the way you have been feeling?

[Longterm]

  what do you think? have you discussed your mom with her much before this?

I have discussed a lot with Mary to be honest. Our sessions always begin the same, she always asks how I am feeling and I proceed to tell her how the kids are getting on and how things are with the ex. She used to listen to what I was saying but I feel like she is getting very annoyed at me because she keeps interrupting me pointing things out. A good example of this was the other day when I told her I had made plans for a court order and initiated divorce, she was very happy and said she is glad I have taken the initiative. I decided to tell her my feelings surrounding this, that I feel like I am punishing my ex for being ill and it is me who is destroying the family. She interrupted and proceeded to question the ins and outs of why divorce was initiated in the first place. I told her I understood what she was saying and then she said "so stop blaming yourself". I instantly felt attacked looking back now. I told her I'm not blaming myself but I feel a bit guilty. She said I do it all the time, that I cannot talk about anything without placing blame on myself in some way. Do I do this? She said I do it with the kids, and especially my mom. She seems to think my ex is linked to my mom, that I take responsibility for both of their actions when in reality I shouldn't. I do not understand, I feel like I do not do this.

My friend told me some time ago that I have a hard time seeing things that are blatantly obvious to others. I didn't realise I had low self esteem until he pointed it out and I never once thought my ex was selfish until that was pointed out too, these are very good examples of this lack of awareness. I generally run off when somebody points something out, I get upset and need alone time. After this I tend to look at things objectively and come back once I accept what I need to, a learning curve if you will. If something needs pointing out, I'm all ears.

What is happening that makes you feel something is off with your thought processes?  

I feel like I should not be feeling the way I feel about many, many things.

Would it be accurate to say she was challenging your beliefs rather than trying to make you feel wrong for defending your mom?
 

Looking back now yes, I feel like I could not cope at the time, I felt cornered and understand now that I was not being attacked. I will apologise to her for my leaving next time I see her.

Tell us about your dad.  Were you close to him?   

I did not have a relationship with my dad. All memories of him are bad. He only cared about my oldest brother, he did not like me. I still remember the last time I saw him, it was not good. I remember his funeral, I remember the day that I was told he was dead, I remember the words used, I remember my face, I can see it, I can see him walk away after being told. I remember when I switched off, who was there, what they said. I was very young, how do I remember these things? Afterwards we were not allowed to talk about him, any mention of him was met with consequences. In early adolescence I struggled with who he was. I attempted to find out about this man and have had many conversations with those who knew him including his own family. It was all very consistent feedback, the guy was great, would never hurt a fly, he was well liked and respected? What is all that about? If I'm honest I would say that his death maybe affected me in some way? I felt like he was maybe wrongfully hated yet my memories of him are not good, that is clear dissonance I feel. I have not discussed him with Mary, should I?

  You were close to your mom and obviously loved her dearly.  Why not ask Mary why she seems to think your mom was neglectful?  You said you would not feel this way about your mom's death if she abused you.  What makes you say that?

Yes I did. Mary said that my mom is the reason I do not care about myself. That was very uncomfortable to hear. I think the whole situation as it was, was not good and sometimes you just have to make the best of what you have. Is it not admirable and right to care about others in need? Is caring for ones mother not a good thing? My mom needed something, she was not ever, as far as I remember not depressed, what is wrong about wanting to be there for her? Mary said this is abuse? I do not understand. My issues in my opinion stem from my maternal grandmother who was very abusive, not just to me and my brothers but also openly to my mother. We were all scared of her, that much is true. I am beginning to think my perceptions are way off where they should be. I think that there is an enormous amount going on in my head right now and I'm going to write it all down.

Do you think Mary may be thinking about emotional neglect here?

Not just emotional.

Did your mom intervene when you were at risk or in the "horrible experiences" you referred to in your first post?  

No. in my thoughts I see her, she will not look at me, she cannot, it's seems physically impossible for her to turn her head, she is curled up, she does not want to be there, it is odd.

  What happened to that boy LT?  Your Mom?

I cannot process, I do not know. I dread to think of the suffering my mom and her brothers must of endured. I have heard stories but my mom was very closed off and she would not discuss her childhood, it was very much off limits. My uncle's too had very bad times, my one uncle once (on mistake I think) told me his mom almost killed him and he felt lucky to be alive? I asked what happened and he immediately shut down and would not discuss it.

  Does step 1 sound familiar in terms of the the way you have been feeling?

Nailed it. As soon as I told Mary, she said that it was a breakthrough crises but she called it something else and I cannot remember what she said, I mentioned breakthrough crises and she said yes, same thing, I think IAR mentioned it too and it is very weird. I honestly believe that this is because I feel like I finally get that I cannot help my ex, Mary disagrees but I really do feel like something has changed. The thoughts of "if only she could see or get help" are completely non existent right now. Her coming back has helped me in some odd way.

LT.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Longterm,

I can tell there is such an overload going on within you right now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I've gone through it too. These are really tough places when we are emotionally overloaded and flooded. Have you looked at Pete Walker's 13 steps of managing emotional flashbacks? Kwamina has posted them in this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339020.0 I have them printed and sometimes refer to them multiple times each day when I am going through one. It's okay to do so. Print out a few copies and put them where you have easy access to them.

I don't want to add to your processing and ask you a lot of questions right now. I do want to encourage you to look at your little younger self, and just continue being there. I like that you have your hand on his shoulder. It's not a surprise to me that he doesn't know what he is feeling because he may not even know what feelings are. When I've had memories like that, when I was an observer standing on the outside, literally experiencing and feeling what was going on in living color, it is freaky. It's a glimpse of the strong emotions we had back then that we didn't have a chance to or perhaps know how to process. Sometimes I would hide under the bed with my little Wools as I watched from the outside, entering into where she was, staying quiet with her so that we wouldn't be found. That was a comfort to her. I suspect it might be so with your lil one too.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hi, Longterm. I’ve been following your story on the Family Law board. My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry about what you’re having to go through and for having to endure these feelings. We know that it can be hard.

You’re getting some great insight here. On top of the legal things that you’re fielding, you’re now fielding your childhood. Trauma is a weird thing. Many times, new(er) trauma will cause old(er), stored, trauma to surface. It can be pretty hard core. I relate to the physical sensations. They don’t feel good. The shaking and panic. Feeling a bit out of control.

I’d like to ask you to be open to what Mary is trying to talk to you about. You don’t have to accept it or take her lead, but a lot can happen when two people have an open conversation when both people have open minds.

The conversation brought a lot of emotion up for you. Is there a chance that you had to leave the session because the things that you were feeling weren’t allowed when you were a boy? Maybe you were made to feel uncomfortable for having genuine feelings about yourself?

You’re going through a lot. Just know that it will get easier with work. It doesn’t have to feel acute all of the time. Your body is talking to you. Listen to it. I’ve adopted little mantras along the way. Things like “Ok, this is anxiety and I’m feeling it because of my childhood.” and I’ll say it to myself over and over and focus on my breathing. Followed by the breathing is checking in on my senses. What do I hear, smell and possibly taste. This helps me to realize that I’m safe in the here and now. We have to tell the trauma that all is well. That means we have control over it. I’m sorry for all that you’re going through right now. Self care is very important when you’re having these acute feelings. I’m terrible at self care, but I see the benefits. I think you mentioned meditation. Keep doing it. There are a ton of guided meditations on YouTube.

I’ll be praying for you, Longterm. I hope that you’ll continue to visit this board.

[Harri]

Hi LT.

Do I do this? She said I do it with the kids, and especially my mom. She seems to think my ex is linked to my mom, that I take responsibility for both of their actions when in reality I shouldn't. I do not understand, I feel like I do not do this.

Talk to Mary about this and tell her you felt like she attacked you.  She may be off or she may be right on the money.  What matters in therapy is that you talk about your feelings and are honest with her.  "Feel your feeeelings, LT"    Sucks doesn't it?   Even worse is talking about them IMO.    

My friend told me some time ago that I have a hard time seeing things that are blatantly obvious to others. I didn't realise I had low self esteem until he pointed it out and I never once thought my ex was selfish until that was pointed out too, these are very good examples of this lack of awareness. I generally run off when somebody points something out, I get upset and need alone time. After this I tend to look at things objectively and come back once I accept what I need to, a learning curve if you will. If something needs pointing out, I'm all ears.

If this is the way you process things right now that is okay.  It is great that you are able to come back and be objective about it.  I think at this point trying to be patient with yourself and Mary as she tries to point things out to you is important... and you seem to be doing that very well.    This ----->  

Looking back now yes, I feel like I could not cope at the time, I felt cornered and understand now that I was not being attacked. I will apologise to her for my leaving next time I see her.

I think is a classic c-PTSD response.   As you read and hang around here more, you will see us refer to our inner critic (that voice in our heads that tells us we are less than or not good enough, etc).  There is also an outer critic that we do not talk about as much and that is when we see attacks and/or threats in present day situations that are actually emotional responses to past events.  Pete Walker talks about this.  Over time, we learn that while our feelings are always valid sometimes they are not related at all to present events and people and we need to respond differently.  Like what you are doing here with saying you will apologize to Mary.

I feel like I should not be feeling the way I feel about many, many things.

What feelings?  Can you give an example?

I have not discussed him with Mary, should I?

Yes.  LT, don't hold anything back in therapy, especially stuff that causes dissonance.  

Yes I did. Mary said that my mom is the reason I do not care about myself. That was very uncomfortable to hear. I think the whole situation as it was, was not good and sometimes you just have to make the best of what you have. Is it not admirable and right to care about others in need? Is caring for ones mother not a good thing? My mom needed something, she was not ever, as far as I remember not depressed, what is wrong about wanting to be there for her? Mary said this is abuse? I do not understand. My issues in my opinion stem from my maternal grandmother who was very abusive, not just to me and my brothers but also openly to my mother. We were all scared of her, that much is true. I am beginning to think my perceptions are way off where they should be. I think that there is an enormous amount going on in my head right now and I'm going to write it all down.

There is nothing wrong with caring about your mom.  There is a line though when an adult is not able take care of their own emotional and mental well-being and instead the child takes on the role of caretaker especially if the parent allows it or looks for/expects it.  This is a part of emotional abuse/neglect.  You do not have to agree with this right now.  Just keep an open mind about it.  It may or may not apply to your situation.

No. in my thoughts I see her, she will not look at me, she cannot, it's seems physically impossible for her to turn her head, she is curled up, she does not want to be there, it is odd.

What strikes me the most here is how much this echoes what you said about how you can not look at Little LT.  Do you see what I see?  Talk to Mary about this (here too if you want but I think it might be important).

 

I honestly believe that this is because I feel like I finally get that I cannot help my ex, Mary disagrees but I really do feel like something has changed. The thoughts of "if only she could see or get help" are completely non existent right now. Her coming back has helped me in some odd way.

I agree that her coming back has helped you and possibly triggered all these memories coming back.  There may be parallels in what you experienced with your stbx and your FOO.  Regardless, so many of us as adults have fallen in love with people who are in some way familiar to us often subconsciously.

As always, take what fits and what you want to focus upon and leave the rest.  We are always here with you.

[Longterm]

Hi Woolspinner.

 
I can tell there is such an overload going on within you right now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I've gone through it too. These are really tough places when we are emotionally overloaded and flooded. 

That's exactly how it feels, almost as if a dam has broke and I am flooded. Many, many things have built up and my mind has been unable to contain it any longer, that's how I see it.

Have you looked at Pete Walker's 13 steps of managing emotional flashbacks? Kwamina has posted them in this thread 

I keep hearing this guys name. I will be looking into him and also the link you posted when I have time, I'm not being lazy, I have my 10yr old at present and we are swimming/fishing/cooking etc. He is keeping me very busy right now.

It's not a surprise to me that he doesn't know what he is feeling because he may not even know what feelings are. 

Thank you for this, I take a lot of comfort in you understanding that I do not know how he feels and you have shed some light on maybe why. I was not allowed to feel, I think this is why I switch off.

When I've had memories like that, when I was an observer standing on the outside, literally experiencing and feeling what was going on in living color, it is freaky. It's a glimpse of the strong emotions we had back then that we didn't have a chance to or perhaps know how to process. 

It is freaky, especially when not experienced before. When Mary asked me what I could see, I quite literally left where I was and went somewhere else. When she asked how I felt I could not answer and that's when she said she could see my sadness. She took my hand and was rubbing it and told me to concentrate on what I can sense and smell in the present, to come back. I have never experienced anything like that before, especially with somebody in the flesh sitting next to me. I take comfort in knowing it is not just me but at the same time, I feel discomfort and shame at Mary having witnessed it. I could not look at her. She said there is much to process and we need to go through everything. I don't think she means me harm but I feel as though I need to put a huge amount of trust in her and that may be difficult. I feel utterly ashamed of what I have already said. She was trying to make me feel better by explaining how she is going to help me, I do see this.

Sometimes I would hide under the bed with my little Wools as I watched from the outside, entering into where she was, staying quiet with her so that we wouldn't be found. That was a comfort to her. I suspect it might be so with your lil one too.   

I have seen myself sitting in my room. It is very painful to see. He has his back to me, he does not know I am there. I do not want him to know I'm present because there is nothing I can say to him. I know why he is there, I know he cannot leave. There were many periods like this, maybe this is why I find comfort being on my own?

Hi JNChell.

  Hi, Longterm. I’ve been following your story on the Family Law board. My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry about what you’re having to go through and for having to endure these feelings. We know that it can be hard. 
 

I feel as though it is never ending.

You’re getting some great insight here. 

I feel so to, I know I waffle on but I do appreciate the feedback, it really does help.

I relate to the physical sensations. They don’t feel good. The shaking and panic. Feeling a bit out of control.  

I was feeling fairly good yesterday then I had something very odd happen. We were watching a movie after our day and I looked over and realised my son was asleep. The others had already fell asleep by now and I was suddenly overcome again, I thought to myself "wow, your anxiety just hit the roof". I began to sweat and felt like I needed a lie down so I did. I began to have palpitations and wandered back to the past again. It dawned on me that being alone triggers this lately, that's probably why I feel most detached at work because for the most part I am alone for 12hrs. I am stuck between thinking I should keep myself busy or allowing myself to be overcome, to feel the emotions? I think I deploy defence mechanisms around others, the kids especially. I did some deep breathing exercises and did what Mary said to do, to concentrate on the present, I calmed down and realised I had self soothed, it felt good.

 
I’d like to ask you to be open to what Mary is trying to talk to you about. You don’t have to accept it or take her lead, but a lot can happen when two people have an open conversation when both people have open minds.

Yes, whether I agree or not. That is very good advice and I agree. Nobody said "go get another therapist", I'm guessing there is reasons you didn't.

The conversation brought a lot of emotion up for you. Is there a chance that you had to leave the session because the things that you were feeling weren’t allowed when you were a boy? Maybe you were made to feel uncomfortable for having genuine feelings about yourself?
 

Ouch. Yes, this is why I left. I feel guilt and shame for expressing my needs. Mary was forcing my mind against the grain. I looked at this paragraph for sometime, having had time for reflection I can see what you wrote as being truthful, I do not like it yet cannot deny it either. I feel wrong for saying That.

Hi Harri.

  What matters in therapy is that you talk about your feelings and are honest with her.  "Feel your feeeelings, LT"    Sucks doesn't it?   Even worse is talking about them IMO.    
 

She has pointed this out. She asks how I'm feeling and I start waffling on about the kids etc. She said the other day "I asked about YOUR feelings". I find it uncomfortable for her to say that, it makes me feel cornered, yes it sucks.

 I think at this point trying to be patient with yourself and Mary as she tries to point things out to you is important.. 

Yes, this is important, I need to practice my mindfulness.

I think is a classic c-PTSD response.   As you read and hang around here more, you will see us refer to our inner critic (that voice in our heads that tells us we are less than or not good enough, etc).  There is also an outer critic that we do not talk about as much and that is when we see attacks and/or threats in present day situations that are actually emotional responses to past events.  Pete Walker talks about this.  Over time, we learn that while our feelings are always valid sometimes they are not related at all to present events and people and we need to respond differently.  Like what you are doing here with saying you will apologize to Mary.
 

I often think I am less than, I feel as though I cannot control it and I dislike that this is a part of me. But... I love the fact that I can think about things and see that I was reacting to something that wasn't present, even if that takes a few days. Sometimes it takes longer.

  What feelings?  Can you give an example?

I feel as though Mary has forced dissonance on my feelings towards my mother. I feel ashamed for even saying that, it feels horrible and treasonous.

Yes.  LT, don't hold anything back in therapy, especially stuff that causes dissonance.   

I do not know how to talk about him. Saying that I do not know how to talk about many things but I have said things to Mary that I never thought I would. I have things I have never spoke to with anybody, maybe Mary could be an opportunity to get these things out.

There is nothing wrong with caring about your mom.  There is a line though when an adult is not able take care of their own emotional and mental well-being and instead the child takes on the role of caretaker especially if the parent allows it or looks for/expects it.  This is a part of emotional abuse/neglect.  You do not have to agree with this right now.  Just keep an open mind about it.  It may or may not apply to your situation. 

We are going back into difficult subjects now. I have been thinking about this and I think I see the connection Mary speaks of. My mom, my ex, both broken and vulnerable, me giving comfort to both, me wanting to help/fix, my inner white knight. My ex using this to control/manipulate, my mom not so. Both situations detrimental to me to some degree. My mom was bullied in her own home, it's a very long and complicated story. She did love me, she told me many many times, I think my mom's life was sad and tragic.

  What strikes me the most here is how much this echoes what you said about how you can not look at Little LT.  Do you see what I see?  Talk to Mary about this (here too if you want but I think it might be important).

Point this out to me Harri, I cannot talk to him, I have no words. Mary suggested I try but I cannot, something is stopping me. Maybe pointing this out will help.

I agree that her coming back has helped you and possibly triggered all these memories coming back.  There may be parallels in what you experienced with your stbx and your FOO.  Regardless, so many of us as adults have fallen in love with people who are in some way familiar to us often subconsciously.   

I am convinced of it, I honestly believe my focus has shifted. I think she will always have an effect on me and this is why I need to leave her behind, as hard as that is. She got the divorce papers Friday and made 2 contacts wanting my phone number. It barely bothered me and I just realised I have not thought about her all that much this weekend and that is very odd for me to say. I truly believe I have accepted that I cannot fix her and I think I understand what has happened. I previously mentioned that I had begun to look for answers regarding my dad in early adolescence. By age 15 I was with my ex, I think I become distracted and the process of processing childhood was halted. With me seeing I cannot help her I have carried on where I left off and have been overwhelmed with emotions that were long buried, my past has quite literally caught up with me and consumed me. To suddenly see myself as a child is a very harrowing experience. Yes, I have thought about memories before but not like this, it is different and very off balancing. I thought the cptsd was a direct result of my exes behaviour towards the kids and myself. I think I am so wrong here it's unbelievable, I am starting to believe the cptsd has always been present, the ex was merely a symptom of the problem. I have "coped" with it by ignoring it, by dissociating from myself, by concentrating on others wants and needs, this has proven very detrimental to me. What do you say to that? I am convinced this is fact.

LT.

[JNChell]

Hi again, Longterm. We’re glad that you’re talking with us. You may not have considered it, but there are a lot of lurkers reading the conversations and content here that will eventually take the plunge and post. Your story is helping others by simply sharing it. It lets others know that they aren’t alone. Personally, I lurked for roughly 2 months before deciding to join in. I’m glad that I did. Thank you for making a solid contribution here. 

I feel as though it is never ending.

I totally get what you’re saying. I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD, and one of the feelings is having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Many folks give up on their healing when they feel this way. The important to keep in your hip pocket at all times is that it’s possible to reach the light. Don’t ever give up. Always push on. You don’t strike me as a quitter. We’re here for you if you should ever start to doubt that there’s a soft place to fall after your efforts. Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Harri once told me that it took a long time for my trauma to occur and eventually resurface and that I’m not going to get over it overnight. It takes time. You know how fast and overwhelming everything feels when we’re having a panic attack or our anxiety is spiking? Those are moments of opportunity. Those are the times when we really learn how to utilize the tools. In real time. I’m far from good at the advice that I’m offering, but I’ve seen folks here that are well beyond where I’m at, and they’re doing really well.

I was feeling fairly good yesterday then I had something very odd happen. We were watching a movie after our day and I looked over and realised my son was asleep. The others had already fell asleep by now and I was suddenly overcome again, I thought to myself "wow, your anxiety just hit the roof". I began to sweat and felt like I needed a lie down so I did. I began to have palpitations and wandered back to the past again.

Maybe knowing that your kiddos were safe and sound your body and mind switched to someone else that is in need of care. You. Like I said, listen to what your body is telling you. These feelings don’t come out of nowhere for no good reason. It’s doubly hard right now because you’re trying to navigate your own family dynamics as well as try to process what Mary brought to light. It’s ok to process one situation at a time. I agree that you should be straight forward with Mary and let her know how that session made you feel. Maybe it’s more important to deal with the situation that involves you and your kids, and go back to your childhood once you feel like you have a strong grasp on the current situation. What’s important is that you make it a priority to revisit your childhood. It’s been coined here that all boards lead to PSI (parent, sibling, in-law).

I feel guilt and shame for expressing my needs.

You really should explore this. Settle what you have to settle, but this was taught to you. It’s childhood grooming. I understand because I’m still trying to figure out how to alleviate these false thoughts about myself. Your needs matter and are very important to you. On top of that, your kids need you to know that your needs matter. You’re the example that they’re going to learn by and eventually branch off and begin to form their own independence. They have you, and they have mom. They should have a relationship with their mom until they possibly choose otherwise. You know their mom. Do your kids need to have a pillar for a father? That’s an easy “yes”. You are not guilt and shame. You are Longterm. You’ve got this. Let’s just get you calmed down if we can. We understand those feelings and we want to help to bring you down from them. From what you’ve gathered from your thread so far, what is one thing that you’ve found that really helps to alleviate your acute symptoms?

[Longterm]

Hi again JNChell.

I really do appreciate you chiming in here. I have read other posts of yours over my time here and have seen you mention cptsd quite a lot so I get that you understand.

  Maybe knowing that your kiddos were safe and sound your body and mind switched to someone else that is in need of care. You. Like I said, listen to what your body is telling you. These feelings don’t come out of nowhere for no good reason

Hmmm, maybe that's what it was. I have other thoughts that do not involve me but only the kids, these thoughts scare the crap out of me and I think I need to mention this to Mary too.

Maybe it’s more important to deal with the situation that involves you and your kids, and go back to your childhood once you feel like you have a strong grasp on the current situation. 

The problem is that my past is right here with me, I feel like it has invaded my present and I am unable to pick and choose when I think about it. We all know about the obsessive thoughts of exes after these types of relationships and that's the best way I can describe what it is like right now, my ex has just been pushed out the way. Now I'm not naive and think that's it I'm over my ex, it will take years I feel if it ever happens at all to get over all that but I'm just trying to explain that I feel as though I am helpless to control where my mind takes me right now. I would like to add though that it feels very liberating and empowering to not be consumed by her.

You really should explore this. Settle what you have to settle, but this was taught to you. 

I bought Pete walkers book last night and read about 9%, this was said there. I think this book will be a very difficult read.

  They have you, and they have mom. They should have a relationship with their mom until they possibly choose otherwise.

They do not, and that has been one of the most difficult parts about all this. They have said they have never felt like they had one and they see their nan as the mother they never had. The youngest (golden child) is different, he loves his mother. I see the look on his face when his siblings have spoke about his mom in the past, he does not like it and he gets upset. I have told him that it's perfectly fine to love his mother and I understand. The others are banned from talking about their mother around him because I do not want him upset. They want nothing to do with her but I understand this may change, I understand that to a large degree I have to leave them to it. They will continue to be hurt but they have to decide what they are willing to put up with. She wants unconditional love but will offer nothing. She will turn on the youngest eventually, I have always been convinced of this.

  Do your kids need to have a pillar for a father? 

That's an easy yes. I am trying to do this. They have told me they look up to me, one son calls me his inspiration. I must be doing something right, yet I feel like I'm doing nothing right. I think about this often, could I do more etc.

  From what you’ve gathered from your thread so far, what is one thing that you’ve found that really helps to alleviate your acute symptoms? 

Honestly, my sudden awareness that there are symptoms to begin with, that sounds bizarre right? How can one not know that symptoms are occurring? The book said this too. It screams to me that there is a real lack of thoughts of self if that makes sense. Through awareness I have thought about ways to calm down and I would say breathing deeply is a huge yet very simple method to release tension.

LT.

[Harri]

Hi Longterm.   

She took my hand and was rubbing it and told me to concentrate on what I can sense and smell in the present, to come back. I have never experienced anything like that before, especially with somebody in the flesh sitting next to me. I take comfort in knowing it is not just me but at the same time, I feel discomfort and shame at Mary having witnessed it.

I like Mary... a lot.  I am glad you allowed her to do it in spite of the shame you felt.  There is nothing shameful here, not in the present. She is safe and you are safe when you are with her. 

She said there is much to process and we need to go through everything. I don't think she means me harm but I feel as though I need to put a huge amount of trust in her and that may be difficult. I feel utterly ashamed of what I have already said. She was trying to make me feel better by explaining how she is going to help me, I do see this.

Trusting is hard.  It is also worth it LT.  Mary sounds top notch to me.  Before I went in for my sessions, I would remind myself that I was safe there, my T would not harm me and it would only hurt me and keep me stuck if I refused to let myself be vulnerable.  Not sure if that will help you but maybe you can find something you can do to help yourself go in and be as open as you can.  I get it though.  Therapy is hard but so worth it.

I did some deep breathing exercises and did what Mary said to do, to concentrate on the present, I calmed down and realised I had self soothed, it felt good.

    So, tuck this away somewhere and remember that this is proof that you are making progress.  Taking what we learn about emotions and how to soothe ourself outside of the therapy room is huge.  I am reminded of my last T who would tell me that the goal was to have what I experienced in therapy carry over into real life.  Reading this had me grinning ear to ear. 

Nobody said "go get another therapist", I'm guessing there is reasons you didn't.

  Yep, no one is saying that.   

She said the other day "I asked about YOUR feelings". I find it uncomfortable for her to say that, it makes me feel cornered, yes it sucks.

It is hard isn't it?  Take that jump into the unknown every opportunity you have in therapy LT.  You are safe.  The unknown will feel scary and uncomfortable and that is okay.  You already have tools, knowledge and understanding ow that you did not have before.  You are already stronger than you were even if you don't feel that way.  Keep taking the leap and trust.   It gets easier, not easy, but easier.

I love the fact that I can think about things and see that I was reacting to something that wasn't present, even if that takes a few days. Sometimes it takes longer.

I love that you can do it too and that you can see that you can do it and that it is a good thing!  heh heh  Awareness is okay.  Self-awareness is vital for healing and I think you have that.

I feel as though Mary has forced dissonance on my feelings towards my mother. I feel ashamed for even saying that, it feels horrible and treasonous.

I agree that Mary is opening your eyes to new perspectives and perhaps those are not particularly comfortable or even easy.  Give yourself and Mary time and patience.

I do not know how to talk about him. Saying that I do not know how to talk about many things but I have said things to Mary that I never thought I would. I have things I have never spoke to with anybody, maybe Mary could be an opportunity to get these things out.

  Yes. 

My mom, my ex, both broken and vulnerable, me giving comfort to both, me wanting to help/fix, my inner white knight. My ex using this to control/manipulate, my mom not so.  Both situations detrimental to me to some degree. My mom was bullied in her own home, it's a very long and complicated story. She did love me, she told me many many times, I think my mom's life was sad and tragic.

Of course you wanted to help and fix.  With your mom, you loved her and same with your stbxw I imagine.   Share your story sometime, in therapy or here.   Taking things out and looking at them in full light rather than keeping them in the darkness and shady areas of our minds and hearts is what lessens the shame.  Share with safe people and as you feel the need. 

Point this out to me Harri, I cannot talk to him, I have no words. Mary suggested I try but I cannot, something is stopping me. Maybe pointing this out will help.

Okay.  In post #11   you described how your mom could not look at you and did not speak.

Did your mom intervene when you were at risk or in the "horrible experiences" you referred to in your first post? 

No. in my thoughts I see her, she will not look at me, she cannot, it's seems physically impossible for her to turn her head, she is curled up, she does not want to be there, it is odd.

In post #1 you wrote:

I am an observer for the most part but he knows I am present, he stares at me as if wanting something from me but I feel I have nothing for him? I cannot look him in the eyes, the most I can manage is a hand on his shoulder ...   I am feeling empathy for him but at the same time I feel his current predicament is my fault? That I have wronged him ... I do not know what to say. I see him at school and in his room sitting on his own, staring blankly, he does not smile, his facial features are still.

What do you think?

I am starting to believe the cptsd has always been present, the ex was merely a symptom of the problem.

Me too.   

I have "coped" with it by ignoring it, by dissociating from myself, by concentrating on others wants and needs, this has proven very detrimental to me. What do you say to that? I am convinced this is fact.

What do I say?  Bravo!  It takes a lot of energy and hard work and guts to get yourself to the point of seeing this.  It is a beautiful thing to witness.  I am not trying to minimize your pain here.  I know how hard this is and how much it hurts and how it sucks to be questioning every single thing in your life. 

 

[Harri]

Sorry, I have more to write: 

How can one not know that symptoms are occurring?

Right?  I did the same thing and it was only in therapy when I described how I was feeling claustrophobic one night that it came to light just how much I dissociated and having panic attacks.   

My T told me also assured me that as I began to dissociate less, my panic attacks increased for a bit and that that was progress as panic attacks are a lesser degree of anxiety (I picture it as lower on the anxiety totem pole). 

[JNChell]

The problem is that my past is right here with me, I feel like it has invaded my present

This could very well be the case. Something that you should pat yourself on the back for is for being self aware. You know that there is more to this. There’s a lot of pain, confusion and uncertainty once we make the choice to move forward.

Many times, these realizations are made after romantic relationships. Sometimes, multiple romantic relationships. What’s important is your focus. You are experiencing things from two sides right now. You’ll eventually see how they fit together.

The pain is what it is and I’m sorry that you’re feeling it. We’re here and you will be ok. Be patient and kind with yourself.

What thoughts scare the crap out of you?

[Longterm]

  Harri.

  I like Mary... a lot.  I am glad you allowed her to do it in spite of the shame you felt.  There is nothing shameful here, not in the present. She is safe and you are safe when you are with her.  
 

I am finding it increasingly difficult to look at her yet I think I do feel safe in her presence. She is very calm and soothing, how is she not shocked by the things I say? I'm telling her things that I find highly distressing yet there is no shock or WHAT? From her. She simply tells me that I have normal reactions considering what has occurred, she tells me I am simply traumatized. I DO take comfort oddly enough.

  Mary sounds top notch to me.  Before I went in for my sessions, I would remind myself that I was safe there, my T would not harm me and it would only hurt me and keep me stuck if I refused to let myself be vulnerable.  Not sure if that will help you but maybe you can find something you can do to help yourself go in and be as open as you can.

I think she is top notch and I think that this time I have got what I very much need. I have explained to her that I think I have always suffered CPTSD and she said she already knew that? How? She said "there is no smoke without fire" me being me googled her and she is in fact a trauma specialist (Why is her business card not enough for me?) And has been doing this a long time. The thing about vulnerability is that it was not allowed in childhood or my marriage. When I was young it was met with ridicule and violence, I tried in my marriage but it was seen as weakness and I was told "You want to get a grip don't you". It has never been met with understanding, Mary does that and I think I do not know how to react to it? I think this is why I find it hard to look at Mary.

    So, tuck this away somewhere and remember that this is proof that you are making progress.  Taking what we learn about emotions and how to soothe ourself outside of the therapy room is huge

Mary told me to just stop and think "What do I need right now?". I did this yesterday, something happened  and when I realised I just stopped and began deep breaths, I told myself to be calm and that I was ok and just having a reaction, what happened was irrelevant, it was my reaction that was the problem, not for anybody else but for ME and I took pride in recognising and concentrating on what could be done in the moment. This happens way more than I realised but by realising, I can confront and make changes.

  It is hard isn't it?  Take that jump into the unknown every opportunity you have in therapy LT.  You are safe.  The unknown will feel scary and uncomfortable and that is okay.  You already have tools, knowledge and understanding ow that you did not have before.  You are already stronger than you were even if you don't feel that way.  Keep taking the leap and trust.   It gets easier, not easy, but easier.

Yes it is but she is right. She said "the kids have therapists and your ex has the option yes? Then use YOUR therapy to talk about YOU". It feels like she takes away my defence mechanisms, it's odd to say that right? She flashes the light on me and yes it is scary and uncomfortable. I do understand the need to leap.

  I love that you can do it too and that you can see that you can do it and that it is a good thing!  heh heh  Awareness is okay.  Self-awareness is vital for healing and I think you have that.

I think my ability to make changes is one of the more positive things I can take from childhood and my marriage. I think if I'm honest I made changes to avoid confrontation and abandonement, we all turned to people pleasing in these kinds of relationships, that is strictly my opinion but if I can turn this to pleasing myself I feel that a huge part of the battle is won. I

I agree that Mary is opening your eyes to new perspectives and perhaps those are not particularly comfortable or even easy.  Give yourself and Mary time and patience.   

Yes, and it is uncomfortable. I have put my dummy back in now though and that's the important thing, patience is key. I fear the truth, a sad reality.

Of course you wanted to help and fix.  With your mom, you loved her and same with your stbxw I imagine.   Share your story sometime, in therapy or here.   Taking things out and looking at them in full light rather than keeping them in the darkness and shady areas of our minds and hearts is what lessens the shame.  Share with safe people and as you feel the need 

Was it love? I look at all the things my ex has done to me and what I have done to her. I'm not talking about maybe saying the wrong thing not knowing you had upset the other person, I'm talking intentional inflicted pain here. There has been nothing from me yet I could write a book on her, DO I love this person, really? Or am I simply using her to avoid myself? I honestly think this is why my thinking of her has drastically reduced, the core issue has been highlighted.

Harri, my story spans 36yrs. I always say I could write a book but seriously this would take forever, exploring this will take a significant amount of time, I honestly believe I do not fully understand or see everything myself. For example Mary asked me what my first memory is, that memory is extremely traumatic, I was locked in a room with my brothers and broke through the wall into another room, guess what? That room was locked too. I must of been around 5yrs old, why do I not have memories before this? What happened to me? Do you see what I'm saying? I cannot tell my story, I do not know all of it, I have periods I cannot remember.

Okay.  In post #11   you described how your mom could not look at you and did not speak. What do you think? 

I like that you have bounced the ball back, I need to answer my own questions I guess but I simply do not know. What I think is that maybe it is learned behaviour because no, my mom did not intervene, she was not strong enough.

I know how hard this is and how much it hurts and how it sucks to be questioning every single thing in your life.   

It all sucks but I see this as genuinely being a fantastic opportunity to slay my dragons.

LT.

[Longterm]

  Right?  I did the same thing and it was only in therapy when I described how I was feeling claustrophobic one night that it came to light just how much I dissociated and having panic attacks.    

My T told me also assured me that as I began to dissociate less, my panic attacks increased for a bit and that that was progress as panic attacks are a lesser degree of anxiety (I picture it as lower on the anxiety totem pole).  
 

I have been looking at this. I'm unsure if I mentioned but my Dr has prescribed me beta blockers to calm me down in the short term but I am thinking of going back on regular anti anxiety meds. I actually went and bought some CBD oil the other day, I have read of others using it for anxiety so going to monitor it before going back to the regular meds. I used a med beginning with "p" for around 7yrs following my work accident. I was having attacks that would make me violently shake, really not fun at all and I dread having attacks that bad again yet I see what you are saying, this may get worse before it gets better.

LT.

[Longterm]

  JNChell.

You know that there is more to this. There’s a lot of pain, confusion and uncertainty once we make the choice to move forward.  

Yes, a lot of all those emotions you described.

Many times, these realizations are made after romantic relationships. Sometimes, multiple romantic relationships. What’s important is your focus. You are experiencing things from two sides right now. You’ll eventually see how they fit together. 
 

Yes, I couldn't agree more here, it adds to the confusion and feelings of being overwhelmed.

  What thoughts scare the crap out of you?

I looked at this and thought whether to respond, I initially thought not a chance but i have decided to because some may relate.

I have very intense thoughts of my children becoming injured or killed in freak accidents, I worry when they are not with me. For example my son could say "I'm going out to see friends", I say "ok, have a nice time etc". My head can sometimes go into meltdown without anybody being aware. I will think things like "What if he gets hit by a car? What if he gets stabbed? How would he get to hospital? Does he have his phone?. These thought processes can cause profound effects on me. I have them during sleep and are often woken up by them. On average I struggle to fall to sleep around once a fortnight due to this. I will think about them getting hit by trains and all kinds of scary things. I will sweat, have palpitations etc and sometimes leave the house in the middle of the night to calm down, I can even stop breathing and have woke up many times gasping for breath. I have always had a lot of trouble sleeping and it's one of the reasons I work nights. I really could go on here. It can get that bad that I fear sleep altogether. I do not have these thoughts about others, only the kids.
That is weird right?

LT.

[Kwamina]

Hi Longterm

I do not have these thoughts about others, only the kids.
That is weird right?

Would you say that you love your kids very much and that you consider them the best thing that has happened to you and that they are the most important people in your life?

If you do, then perhaps you having these dramatic thoughts about your kids is an extreme manifestation of your fear of losing them, your fear of losing what you consider the best and most important thing in your life. Do you think that might be what's going on?

You were clearly quite traumatized as a child and that can have a lasting impact, making you feel like the world is a very dangerous place because for you growing up the world in fact was a very dangerous place. That past experience and trauma could also be a contributing factor to the thoughts you are having now about possible dangers for your children. How do you feel about this?

The Board Parrot

[Longterm]

  Kwamina.

Would you say that you love your kids very much and that you consider them the best thing that has happened to you and that they are the most important people in your life?

Oh yes, nothing to think about there.

  If you do, then perhaps you having these dramatic thoughts about your kids is an extreme manifestation of your fear of losing them, your fear of losing what you consider the best and most important thing in your life. Do you think that might be what's going on?

Hmmm, I never looked at it like that before, but yes, I do fear losing them.

  You were clearly quite traumatized as a child and that can have a lasting impact, making you feel like the world is a very dangerous place because for you growing up the world in fact was a very dangerous place. That past experience and trauma could also be a contributing factor to the thoughts you are having now about possible dangers for your children. How do you feel about this?

I do see the world as a very dangerous place. There is a thread somewhere about sensitivity and I scored 130 on it. I also score a 9 on the ACE test. I see danger where it does not exist, it is like a sixth sense that I cannot switch off. There has been child death in the family too at various ages, I think there are many contributing factors. These thoughts have not been a recent thing, they have always been present and I have never mentioned it to anybody before Mary, she told me this is actually fairly common with people who have suffered traumatic experiences, who knew right? That's why I decided to answer JNChell's question. But back to your question of how does it make me feel? I have a real issue answering these questions and mary has been asking them a lot of late. I can apply logic, connect the dots of why but I do not know how I feel about it, numb I guess?

LT.

[JNChell]

Hi again, LT. Trauma is a tricky thing to nail down and make sense of. We never really know when it’s going to surface. How, where and why? It can feel subtle or overwhelming. Just like when the original wound was made. Most times we didn’t see it coming. Then it kind of morphed into “when is it coming?”. I’d wager that the latter thoughts and feelings are when the trauma had settled into our minds and bodies. Trauma can lay dormant for a long time. My twenties and early thirties were a lot of fun. Looking back, there were triggers that I ignored, but I was feeling pretty good.

These are deep dynamics that are being discussed here. We understand those very uncomfortable sensations and thoughts that come over you.

Kwamina makes very good points. Maybe you can explore those points a little more in depth with Mary?

[I Am Redeemed]

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