An update...

[Plucky1980]

I thought I'd share an update about how things are, I haven't posted a lot recently, although I've been reading the threads on here. You may be relieved about the lack of posting haha.

So I do finally feel, after around 11 months of a mixture of anger, sadness, resentment and ruminating about the past, all at various stages, I do finally feel relatively normal again. I do still think about her and what she's done to me but the thoughts are no longer laced with some sort of negative emotion, and the thoughts seem to dissipate fairly quickly.

Although I am now at this point and feel fairly decent about myself and my life, day-to-day, The experience has given me a somewhat warped view of relationships, and women. I'm only 39 years old but I feel as if I don't want to ever give my heart and soul to another woman. I'm relatively comfortable in terms of money, I have my daughter, and a small circle of good friends. I realise how what I'm about to say is going to sound but I don't feel I'm going to find anyone special enough to bring into my life. I've wasted the last two years of my life on women wholly unsuited to any kind of loving, caring relationship so I'd rather remain single for the long term, to be honest with you.

That's not to say someone special won't come along, I mean nobody can predict the future. But it's pretty unrealistic for one, and secondly I certainly won't be looking for anyone to have a relationship with.

Thoughts/comments/criticisms welcome.

[Rev]

So I do finally feel, after around 11 months of a mixture of anger, sadness, resentment and ruminating about the past, all at various stages, I do finally feel relatively normal again. I do still think about her and what she's done to me but the thoughts are no longer laced with some sort of negative emotion, and the thoughts seem to dissipate fairly quickly.

So I am at month 6 roughly - was going great guns - this week a levee breaks - a torrent of all the emotions you name hit - I have been numb for a week.  I know this is out of self protection. Everything you write in your here pretty much resonates except that I a have a new relationship that works for me.

Any thoughts?  You mention 11 months - can you describe the phases of your journey thus far?

Thanks - I am a little concerned right now that I'm going to stay stuck.

Rev.

[Plucky1980]

So I am at month 6 roughly - was going great guns - this week a levee breaks - a torrent of all the emotions you name hit - I have been numb for a week.  I know this is out of self protection. Everything you write in your here pretty much resonates except that I a have a new relationship that works for me.

Any thoughts?  You mention 11 months - can you describe the phases of your journey thus far?

Thanks - I am a little concerned right now that I'm going to stay stuck.

Rev.

I'd been really up and down. Initially distraught, devastated, contemplating suicide. I'd have moments of clarity (Usually after a talk with a friend, or my brother) but I'd fall back into the same pattern of rumination, followed by pretty intense negative emotion. I must've gotten to around month 8 or 9 and it started to ease off, then more recently I've noticed I've just been getting on with life and not really thinking about her. When I do think of her it's usually an indifferent reaction, and I just get on with things again. Seemed to happen all of a sudden.

Stick at it mate, it gets easier. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[Rev]

Stick at it mate, it gets easier. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Thanks for the reply - this is really helpful.

And I will stick with it - you can count on it.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Plucky, do I understand how you feel...100%. However, don't let your age become a factor. You are still young. All I am saying...work on you and allow yourself to attract the right kind of woman. Don't be closed off. Just be open to the opportunities and put yourself in a position for opportunities to take place. I've been in your shoes with your line of thinking...do not let anyone, bpd or not have that kind of influence on your thought process. Screw that! Mind open, heart open (but guarded by wisdom of the lessons learned from the past).

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Plucky1980]

Plucky, do I understand how you feel...100%. However, don't let your age become a factor. You are still young. All I am saying...work on you and allow yourself to attract the right kind of woman. Don't be closed off. Just be open to the opportunities and put yourself in a position for opportunities to take place. I've been in your shoes with your line of thinking...do not let anyone, bpd or not have that kind of influence on your thought process. Screw that! Mind open, heart open (but guarded by wisdom of the lessons learned from the past).

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

Thank you for the kind words.

I know my posts might convey a sense of bitterness, but I genuinely feel like I say I do. I'm not sugar coating anything, I am finally not feeling any sort of emotional response if she pops into my head. What's happened though has now made it extremely difficult for me to trust anyone again. I felt very bitter and twisted about that before, but I've sort of made peace with it now. I think I'm a relatively decent person, worth more than what I've subjected myself to in the past. And it'll take a lot for me to get back into a relationship in future. I'm not closing myself off, just at peace and accepting of the reality of my mindset.

[clvrnn]

I don't think your posts come across bitter, at all. I think they are based in reality and very 'real'.

To echo your initial sentiments about not finding anyone suitable again, I feel the same. I feel almost scarred from falling in what I thought was love and then having it suddenly taken away with no warning - equal to a sudden bereavement. All of the things that person and I shared; intimacy, sex, closeness. Then it was gone. I realise that not everyone has BPD, but the thought of another loss is way too traumatic and triggering. It's a shame, in a way. Companionship and love are lovely to experience.

I think though, for a lot of us, love has been tainted with negative feelings. Not just with our pwBPDs, but in life. Perhaps we come from abusive FOOs, or have had a long pattern of codependent or abusive relationships... these experiences are not 'happy', and have often been traumatic. We didn't get to experience the flowers and puppies Hollywood version of love. It's upsetting, but I guess that's just how it is for us.

[Plucky1980]

I don't think your posts come across bitter, at all. I think they are based in reality and very 'real'.

To echo your initial sentiments about not finding anyone suitable again, I feel the same. I feel almost scarred from falling in what I thought was love and then having it suddenly taken away with no warning - equal to a sudden bereavement. All of the things that person and I shared; intimacy, sex, closeness. Then it was gone. I realise that not everyone has BPD, but the thought of another loss is way too traumatic and triggering. It's a shame, in a way. Companionship and love are lovely to experience.

I think though, for a lot of us, love has been tainted with negative feelings. Not just with our pwBPDs, but in life. Perhaps we come from abusive FOOs, or have had a long pattern of codependent or abusive relationships... these experiences are not 'happy', and have often been traumatic. We didn't get to experience the flowers and puppies Hollywood version of love. It's upsetting, but I guess that's just how it is for us.

I am scared of having the rug pulled out from underneath me again, definitely. In hindsight the relationship was toxic, but at the time I was blissfully unaware. The first time it happened I couldn't believe it. This shock and disbelief gradually waned after the second, third, fourth time she did it, although each time it compounded my anger and sadness, making it worse. It's a strange, almost paradoxical thing.

I digress. I am frightened of allowing anyone else past my now sky-high barriers and walls.

[Rev]

I digress. I am frightened of allowing anyone else past my now sky-high barriers and walls.

Maybe that's not such a bad thing - is it possible that it's not others you don't trust but yourself?  In the sense that you really are not ready?  I am in a relationship, which is a good one, but I am really leary about letting others see the inside of it - because my break-up put me on a very public stage - so the dynamic feels sort of like yours except my barriers lie elsewhere.

I continue to struggle with memories and how tough it is mentally to have been with someone so unwell.  It really throws off your compass because you breathe that in like second hand smoke. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's my own feelings I feel or do I still have her projected feelings in my own thought process.

Rev

[Plucky1980]

Maybe that's not such a bad thing - is it possible that it's not others you don't trust but yourself?  In the sense that you really are not ready?  I am in a relationship, which is a good one, but I am really leary about letting others see the inside of it - because my break-up put me on a very public stage - so the dynamic feels sort of like yours except my barriers lie elsewhere.

I continue to struggle with memories and how tough it is mentally to have been with someone so unwell.  It really throws off your compass because you breathe that in like second hand smoke. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's my own feelings I feel or do I still have her projected feelings in my own thought process.

Rev

I don't really know what it signifies to be honest. Maybe I'm just better off on my own? I'm not likely to hurt, or lie to myself am I.

I may be well past the wanting her back phase, and just getting past the point of thinking about her for any great length of time. But what we only seem to realise is that the scars from these relationships may never heal fully.

Like I say, perhaps I'm just better off on my own.

[Plucky1980]

Happy new year to everyone, hopefully 2020 will be a great deal better than 2019.

I've spent the last 12 months or so in a near catatonic state of various negative emotions. Anger, sadness, confusion, bitterness, resentment, chronic anxiety and stress, even actual physical pain. I've seen a therapist, something I never thought I'd ever have to do.

I'm very impressed and even in awe of the people on here who've managed to let it go (and there are a whole bunch of people who've had it worse than me, I realise that) but I find it very hard to completely let go. It's still holding me back to a degree, that last 5 or 10 percent. I still get occasional pangs of bitterness, or resentment.

I have learned to be more comfortable by myself. Partly through choice, but partly through necessity. I don't think I'd be good for anyone at the moment really, and equally I don't think they'd be good for me.

I've found it really difficult over the last couple of weeks, as I'm sure we all have. These two weeks over Christmas and new year coincide with the relationship ending. My mind drifts, and I'm not strong enough to push past it.

I suppose a somewhat pyrrhic victory might be that I stopped actually wanting her back months ago, it's not just negative things, and what I'd say if she were foolish enough to attempt contact.

She won't though. I blocked her on social media, to protect myself as much as anything. That's a pretty clear indication from my side that contact would be considered hostile.

I have a daughter, and fortunately so because she's really the only thing I live for. I'm not sure I'm mentally capable of getting involved with anyone else in a relationship. I'm not that old or anything, I'm 39. But I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, where that's concerned.

I'm certainly in a better place than I was maybe even 6 months ago, so that's something. Life stops for nobody though so I will keep plodding along, taking joy in seeing my daughter grow up.

[Cromwell]

Happy new year Plucky.

You've done fantastic to get to this stage it is a case for me of this last 5 percent you mention. It is not about detachment as such it is also not about her as such. I feel part of it is lowering of the generalisations that were possibly protective mechanisms to get through this. It was my first pd relationship regardless of bpd and it has been tough to understand it all and keep it within context.

Looking forward is having that renewed sense of confidence that based on what has happened there are the tools and the experience that are there to serve as an advantage and not to fear a repeatance, which whilst there is a fear to be hurt again, in real terms it will be a different scenario and hopefully a happy one without that level of difficulty.

In the meantime I think that being single and being content with that is by itself a good platform to have, knowing that you don't feel ready and can also find sources of happiness without the relationship.

Wishing you more success in the healing and learning build on the hard work so far and keep optimistic. It has been a challenge but you got through it. Best wishes. Crom

[Rev]

Happy new year to everyone, hopefully 2020 will be a great deal better than 2019.

It's still holding me back to a degree, that last 5 or 10 percent. I still get occasional pangs of bitterness, or resentment.


I've found it really difficult over the last couple of weeks, as I'm sure we all have. These two weeks over Christmas and new year coincide with the relationship ending. My mind drifts, and I'm not strong enough to push past it.

 and what I'd say if she were foolish enough to attempt contact.


I have a daughter, and fortunately so because she's really the only thing I live for. I'm not sure I'm mentally capable of getting involved with anyone else in a relationship. I'm not that old or anything, I'm 39. But I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, where that's concerned.

I'm certainly in a better place than I was maybe even 6 months ago, so that's something. Life stops for nobody though so I will keep plodding along, taking joy in seeing my daughter grow up.

Plucky my friend...

So much good stuff here.  I resonate so much with what I will say to her now should our paths cross - there's a chance they might since we work in the same organization. And I find that the "conversation" is changing each time "I have it" in my mind - Today - 7 months later it would be - "I really don't have much of anything to say to you except be well with your new life."

Happy new year.

Rev

[Bittlecat]

Hey Plucky
Was just reading your posts, and while I've been away from my ex bp/ubpd gf for near 7 months, I too find myself full of anger and resentment towards her, and some towards myself for keeping the relationship alive for almost 2 years. Thought I was doing great until the holidays came, for I proposed to her on Christmas day in 2017. I fell apart. Family asked me why she wasn't at Christmas dinner and I pushed the answer aside, finally saying she was " sick".
It ripped me to pieces!
I too feel that I could not stand the emotional strain of another relationship, even ignoring another who approached me!
But they tell me to hang in there and things will get better!
So stay the course, my friend, and best wishes to you!
-BC

[Rev]

Hey Plucky
Was just reading your posts, and while I've been away from my ex bp/ubpd gf for near 7 months, I too find myself full of anger and resentment towards her, and some towards myself for keeping the relationship alive for almost 2 years. Thought I was doing great until the holidays came, for I proposed to her on Christmas day in 2017. I fell apart. Family asked me why she wasn't at Christmas dinner and I pushed the answer aside, finally saying she was " sick".
It ripped me to pieces!
I too feel that I could not stand the emotional strain of another relationship, even ignoring another who approached me!
But they tell me to hang in there and things will get better!
So stay the course, my friend, and best wishes to you!
-BC

All this to a T for me - and it does get better - but it's not without its challenges. Nothing worth it is easy.  I find this community such a great place to work out all the hooks that kept me in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for five years - she hit me, broke things, pulled the wheel of the car going 70 mph, yelled at me in public - and it's here that I have learned to be able to speak about these things with less and less shame - and the hooks are lessening. 

I think the reticence to get into a relationship is healthy - a sign that you're becoming more discerning about what kind of person is right for you - all on their own without comparing them to anyone else. 

By putting in the time to reflect and learn, it does get better with time.

Have a great one.

Rev

[pest947]

Don't let some %$#ed up %#$# steel your glow! There is someone out there that will appreciate your heart and will love in return.

I haven't been on this board going through recovery myself. I pushed it away until finally processing it. I've done a ton of work on myself as most of us on this board have and it's bearing fruit. I've been on a few different dates with a few different women and having been with a BPD it throws us of. While I'm cautiously optimistic I've met someone that I can be myself with, that I share quirks with and feel chemistry I didn't with some of the other dates. It's slower, it dosent feel fake, it feels genuine and awesome so far. I didnt jump at the first chance for a rebound and I'm glad I didnt. Maybe this wont work out but the point is there is hope for us kind of heart that were put through hell by these BPD beasts! Keep working on yourself, let yourself feel, use the force. There is hope for healthy love my friend!

Off thought:
I havent heard from my BPDex in months. This would seem about the time they pop up when our lives start to go well without them...

[pest947]

Hi Plucky. How are you doing now?

[Plucky1980]

Hi Plucky. How are you doing now?

Hey, only just read this. Been away a while.

To provide a further update, I feel mostly okay. About 90 percent of the way there, to use a number. I still have thoughts. About my treatment, still occasional anger, frustration and confusion. I find myself still having internal conversations with myself about aspects of the 'relationship'. I've spoken to another therapist recently who said there are parts of the toxic relationship I had that I may never fully get over. She said that what if nobody is ever 100 percent? You're 90 percent, maybe that's good enough.

She said that I may find the extra 10 percent, one day. Maybe when I find the right person.

Who knows though.

Hope everyone is doing well.

[once removed]

i came here for about two years after my breakup. i took some time out too.

then i came back. what if i told you that it is possible to be 100% over the breakup? its just that that last 10% can be really challenging. emotionally challenging.

you dont have to take that 10% into the next relationship.

tell us more about whats going on. what youre thinking, feeling, battling.

[Plucky1980]

i came here for about two years after my breakup. i took some time out too.

then i came back. what if i told you that it is possible to be 100% over the breakup? its just that that last 10% can be really challenging. emotionally challenging.

you dont have to take that 10% into the next relationship.

tell us more about whats going on. what youre thinking, feeling, battling.

It's hard to explain. I have these internal conversations with myself. About how she behaved and treated me, and they're full of anger, but then I'll be calm and logical and realise that it wasn't me, or my doing, and nothing I said or did would've changed what happened. I still fight with myself internally that it was/is my fault in some way. Or at the very least I'm stupid because I allowed myself to be drawn back in when I had numerous chances to leave. I am aware that this pattern of behaviour on my part was down to my own confidence and self esteem being constantly battered by her behaviours, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

I'd like to think I can be 100% again, but you're right, it's that last 10 or so percent that I'm finding hard to overcome. Never thought I'd ever have so much therapy and counselling over something, that's for sure.

[once removed]

realise that it wasn't me, or my doing, and nothing I said or did would've changed what happened. I still fight with myself internally that it was/is my fault in some way. Or at the very least I'm stupid because I allowed myself to be drawn back in when I had numerous chances to leave. I am aware that this pattern of behaviour on my part was down to my own confidence and self esteem being constantly battered by her behaviours, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

one of the last Stages of Detaching is identifying the lessons that we want to take into future relationships.

if telling yourself that the breakdown of your relationship had nothing to do with you, isnt helping you heal...

your mind may be trying to come to grips and tell you something. is it time to take on the painful aspects to take on and conquer the things that are hard to swallow?

maybe it wouldnt change things in the past. but i promise you it will in the future.

what things do you struggle with the idea that it was your fault over?

what happened that sucked you back in, and why?

if you had it to do over, when would you have left, and why?

youve been out for some time now. how are your confidence and self esteem and how important are they to future relationships?

[Rev]

one of the last Stages of Detaching is identifying the lessons that we want to take into future relationships.

if telling yourself that the breakdown of your relationship had nothing to do with you, isnt helping you heal...

your mind may be trying to come to grips and tell you something. is it time to take on the painful aspects to take on and conquer the things that are hard to swallow?

Really great observation - vestiges of shame can amplify feelings - and the shame can come from anywhere and permeate other parts of our memory. It's a low lurking emotion.  I have found that these relationships that we have lived through and that have caused a disorienting kind of suffering can unlock feelings of shame from other parts of our lives that we had thought were dealt with.

So - the piece that I add - is to try as best as possible to answer all these really important questions in a neutral place as possible - as if you were looking at your life as a case study. Not "good" - not "bad" - just "is"

Thoughts?

Rev

[Plucky1980]

one of the last Stages of Detaching is identifying the lessons that we want to take into future relationships.

if telling yourself that the breakdown of your relationship had nothing to do with you, isnt helping you heal...

your mind may be trying to come to grips and tell you something. is it time to take on the painful aspects to take on and conquer the things that are hard to swallow?

maybe it wouldnt change things in the past. but i promise you it will in the future.

what things do you struggle with the idea that it was your fault over?

what happened that sucked you back in, and why?

if you had it to do over, when would you have left, and why?

youve been out for some time now. how are your confidence and self esteem and how important are they to future relationships?

Believe me, I've been over this. With family, friends, and two therapists. I have searched for answers as to where this blame fixation is from.

There were instances where perhaps I could've done things differently, like for instance I was reticent to get involved with her children too quickly, I wanted to ease myself in so to speak, to make things easier on all concerned, and it came across as a reluctance to get involved. Perhaps as well my reluctance to take control and make decisions regarding simple things like where to go for a day out. She criticised me for that. And maybe my lack of confidence affected that, maybe not.

But hand on heart, swear on my life, I did not do anything, other than just be myself. I mean everyone has faults and perhaps sometimes I can come across as too laid back and lazy (I can be occasionally) but I honestly do not know where I went wrong. I like to admit when I've made mistakes as I'm a big believer in growing as a person and mistakes facilitate that growth but I honestly don't know. I've explained my story on here before and I've stated the truth, warts and all. I'm sure you will take what I'm saying with a dose of cynicism (and why wouldn't you as you don't know me). I think I feel so stupid and that I've been totally duped and taken for a ride with her. So maybe if I'd done wrong, it'd make this whole experience easier to swallow.

Why did I go back? Continuously? Simple. I loved her. Intensely. I thought I could help her. I knew there was something not quite right with her because of her behaviour but the good in her, when it came to the surface, could be so good. The way she looked at me in the beginning, the mutual adoration. It was unlike anything I'd ever had before. And when she changed after dumping me and I went back, criticising my lack of confidence, I guess I wanted those heady days back. The feeling of actual love when I looked into her eyes.

I recognise that the wanting to help, that was selfish of me.

When would I have left? The first time she split up with me. In bed, during sex. Stating that the spark had gone and the sex was boring.Two days after telling me how much she loved me and how I was the best sex she'd ever had.

That in hindsight should have set the alarm bells ringing.

[Plucky1980]

Happy to clarify anything that doesn't make sense there.

[pest947]

 Hi Plucky! I am glad to hear you are doing better. Don't let this stop you from enjoying love in the future, there are good women out there. We all have baggage, it's what we do about it is what really counts.

I am still seeing the woman I mentioned in your post at the beginning of the year and things are going great. I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not and we both openly share our baggage and how we are handling it and what we do in therapy. I thought the sex would never be better than what it was with my ExBPD...WRONG! I couldn't have imagined just how intense a strong mutual grounded connection could be. It's real and nothing has ever come close to this! There are those out there that are seeking help and have good hearts(and great sex ) I know it's scary. I sometimes catch myself in the BPD overthinking trap with things being "normal" it can definitely take some getting used after what we've each been through, but there is hope.

Don't let the BPD experience ruin the rest of your love life! There is so much ahead!   

[Cromwell]

Plucky you said you didn't do anything wrong but then said you can be too laid back and lazy?

Which is which here.

I think it is a valid reason to end a relationship of the other is lazy, too laid back and this is deemed as unattractive properties.

[Plucky1980]

Plucky you said you didn't do anything wrong but then said you can be too laid back and lazy?

Which is which here.

I think it is a valid reason to end a relationship of the other is lazy, too laid back and this is deemed as unattractive properties.

It isn't why the relationship ended. And I'm really trying to nit pick here, I can be lazy at times. But the same can be said for pretty much anyone. I can be laid back in the sense that I don't tend to stress about the small things in life, I like to just live my life and try to be happy.

I maintain that I didn't do anything wrong and didn't deserve to be treated like I was. If you're insinuating anything then feel free to get it out in the open, I am not a fan of subterfuge.

[daze507]

Plucky, of course it's not why she ended it. It's your personality that's all. None of us fulfilled what our xBPD expected, none, not you not me, no-one, because even if we did, that expectation would have changed in a minute anyway.
I've been trashed because I tend to make offensive jokes and not to tell or text "I love you" every two seconds.
The mind game my ex played on me worked big time, I thought that I was indeed responsible for everything because of my bad behaviour.
You know what? Bullsh*t! This is not love. When you love someone your take everything, the good and the bad. Our xBPD, they were not loving us, they were idealising us, they wanted some super hero who would take them out of their mental misery, no more no less.
So yeah, I can be offensive, I can be on my own sometimes, this is who I am and what I am proud of. You should be the same.
We loved them, they did not care.
Never again doubting ourselves for one of this crazies. Not worth it.

[once removed]

I'm sure you will take what I'm saying with a dose of cynicism (and why wouldn't you as you don't know me).

im on your side here, Plucky. im not here to judge you or doubt you, or take you down.

i, and all of us are here to help you in detaching. and part of that is about gently helping each other face the emotionally difficult aspects of our relationships, and in this case, detaching from the wounds.

I think I feel so stupid and that I've been totally duped and taken for a ride with her.

why do you feel duped by her?

When would I have left? The first time she split up with me. In bed, during sex. Stating that the spark had gone and the sex was boring.Two days after telling me how much she loved me and how I was the best sex she'd ever had.

ouch. it makes a lot of sense that that would leave a lot of pain.

[Waifed]

Plucky

I completely understand how you feel but it will change! 

I ended a relationship with my ex-BPD girlfriend of 3 years in 2013.  I was in my mid-40's and hit rock bottom.  I was lost, confused, depressed and definitely in a FOG.  I didn't know what to do and thinking about a new relationship was out of the question, even after 12-18 months.  I spent that time reading countless books and articles about what BPD was, why I was attracted to a BPD, and spent time in therapy working it out in my head.  I highly recommend reading "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody and "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody.  These books changed my life.
 
Finally, after 2 years I forced myself to start dating again, although I was skeptical.  I was much more aware of what to look for in a woman and ran from those that posed red flags.  It was hard finding a woman that "excited" me like my ex did.  Fortunately, I found a wonderful woman and we have been married now for 4 years and have 2 children that I adore.  Ironically, we both had similar relationships with BPD partners and initially that made our relationship closer.  Actually, the reason I visited this site today after a long, long time is because my wife went to a therapist and she thinks that my wife's mother may be BPD or have strong traits...

Good luck to you.  It will all pass over time and you will find happiness.  Just be kind to yourself and most of all be patient.