Flimsy deal breakers

[calmboom]

I made contact after weeks of NC from longtime uBPD BF's discard/breakup from me.  His many items are still at my home and we have not had any "wrap up" type break up talk so I decided to pursue more information and visit him with dinner.

UBPD BF was warm and seemed happy to see me.  We relayed what had been going on for the 2 months apart and we were both open and friendly.  Nothing of the B/U was discussed.  After a couple hours, I got up to leave and that's when he started talking of the relationship.

The reasons he provided for discarding me and the almost 12 year relationship seem flimsy and a smoke screen for some other discomfort or areas he may be experiencing.

He said 3 things:
A trip:  I once told one of his relatives at a party that I was taking my daughter on a spring break trip to a foreign country.  At the same party, he find out from the relative and was mad that I didn't tell him first.  I did not do it intentionally and apologized for it a year ago.  He apparently still is holding that in his judgement book.

My father:  I once groaned when my (narcissist) elderly father called to ask for help with a chore.  My exuBPD BF said "our values don't match" because he would have hastily and happily done whatever his elders requested.

The dog:  exUBPD BF said the dog is an anchor and would keep us from doing things we might want to do.   This is so BS to me as I KNOW BF LOVES this dog.  He often would want to stay home with the dog when I asked him to go to a store etc.  I have taken many out of town excursions/vacations and my adult sons, who live with me, have happily watched the dog.   (Right before BF discarded me, he also started discarding the dog, saying she looked bored when he was around, that dog didn't really love him, and the like...so BS!)

So those are the reasons he gave for the fact that we weren't compatible and that it wasn't working out for a long term relationship.  (And this after 12 years?)  In the same breath, he said he occupied remodeling a bathroom and is fixing up his house to sell because we always talked of having one house "when we got married". Huh?  And that he needed more time to "sit with his feelings."

(It seems to me that the feelings are a result of thinking and the thinking is distorted.  Not sure if/how I could help him see the reality instead of these flimsy smoke screens or if I should even do anything at all and accept that he has his distortions.   It feels bad to end almost 12 years for this.)

Any guidance to how to navigate this?  I thought the information would help me decide a path but it still seems cloudy and in limbo.  Should I count him out for Christmas and move forward alone?  Make more reconnection attempts?   Let it be?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

calmboom,

I can understand how this would be confusing, especially after 12 years. As I was reading through your examples, I considered that perhaps built up resentment over the trip and maybe even drastically different family values (especially BPD values that come with FOG) could be a problem, but I was kind of thrown at the dog.

Is it possible that the emotions behind these examples are felt at a much deeper level than what you and I might experience? Emotions are truth to pwBPD.

As far as moving forward, unless you want to explicitly ask him about his plans, I would recommend that you move forward with plans. Is that painful to consider? What do you think about making plans that he could be included in, should he choose to do so? Is that too much limbo or does it give you options in case he changes his mind at the last second?

Thinking of you!
pj