Help...I'm back and sad

[Jane2019]

10 years ago I held on to this site. At 18 my son left home and entered the University and seemed to be doing very well. I was never able to find help for him, nor did he want it. only once in all those years did i have to ask him to leave during a visit because of violent behavior. I have felt so proud of his achievments. He graduated as a physics major.

Recently his girlfiend of 10 yrs broke up with him, and I now know because of his violence. This was a secret from me.

Now, his sister just had a melt down, we discovered she had been abused as achild by a family member. She is 18. One night they were together, they were just beginning to share an apartment,she was very depressed and crying, he freaked out and went crazy, broke things. She ran out /as we did when she was little/ and now she is staying with her other brother. He won[t speak to me anymore, as he says /he just made one mistake@ and now...has been abandoned.

I am heart broke for both, but terrified for him, because she is going to a therapist but he doesn't and in this country, I do not know an expert/ and BPD is tricky.

And, for both, at this moment, I am the bad person. This is heart breaking. And...sad to be back!  Hugs everyone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome ! We are sorry to hear about your pain.  I think you have stated your daughter is now sharing an apartment with your BPD son and he graduated college. He had a meltdown and now she is with her other brother but he ( or is it the BPD son?) won’t speak to you?  You should pat yourself on the back for reaching out to  here. Good first step is getting help for yourself. Are you getting therapy for yourself?  Or you are looking for one? We are all the bad person in our BPD kid’s stories, try not to take it too much to heart if you can.  Can you write back as you are able.

[Resiliant]

 Hi Jane,

Sorry to hear what brought you back.  It's good news that your son did so well for so long.  It brings hope that he can do well again in the future.

It's a hard lesson for him that when he lets loose on people they will leave him.  And, in our experience our BPD loved ones never get it.  They don't seem to understand the lesson and therefore they blame everyone else.

Time to refresh on the SET method of communication?

Hope all is getting better for your daughter, good to hear she is in therapy.

 

[Jane2019]

Thanks for your kindness and answers. I am not looking for therapy for myself now as all my time and resources are going into my daughter's therapy. My son has cut me off from his whats app, but he is still connected to his brother, so I know he is ok. I will respect his desire for distance, as there is nothing I can do about it anyway. Its just makes me very sad.

[mggt]

resilient,  very wise words  bpd just don't get it 

[Resiliant]

Hi Jane,
I too have experienced deep sadness, as I am sure many here have as well.
In one of the books I read, there is actually a ceremony that family members in group therapy go through where they grieve the loved one that they knew and lost (to BPD).  That doesn't mean the loved ones died, it's that a part of them is lost to BPD that we grieve.  The beautiful person that we know is in there but shadowed by the BPD.
I found more discussion about that on this site once but I'm not sure where.  It's somewhere in the discussion groups about education.
I know you're sad, it makes me sad too.  The only thing that I can think of right now is "radical acceptance".
All the best