Silent Treatment/Stonewalling/Escapism

[2Loyal2Long]

My husband was diagnosed with bipolar 4 1/2 years ago.  I believe it’s BPD.  The marriage has been a disaster, it’s like dealing with a petulant toddler.

He’s a runner.  If things don’t go his way or he feels slighted in any way (such as me asking to have some of my needs met) it’s cause for his agitation to rise and he runs home to his elderly parents who coddle him.  I’m obviously the villain in his family’s eyes.  The stonewalling and refusal to communicate can last for days or weeks.  He ran out two years ago to his parents and never divorced me.  I love him but detest the childish abuse from an adult.

Let’s just say that if the marriage is on his terms and I have no needs and carry all the burdens of primary caretaker he’s great and I’m drained and resentful.

I get intermittent positive reinforcement which means I’m holding out for crumbs.  It didn’t start out this way but once he knew I was ‘all in’ the hurtful behavior started and it’s hard for me to extinguish horrible behavior I rewarded for years without understanding this was an abuse cycle.  I nearly filed for divorce last year and several days later out comes his ‘sweet’ side and I fell for it like a fool.

He’s incredibly enmeshed with his parents and his therapist denies it.

Does this sound like BPD or just your typical abuser?

Yes, I know I play a part in this by trying to save an unhealthy marriage.

Please, I need to understand what’s happening.  Every marriage therapist missed it and I’m beside myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

Wow that is a lot to deal with. That cycle of the honeymoon phase where everything is all sweet followed by the tension building and then the blow out is all to familiar. It is so exhausting. Do you have a personal therapist? Marriage therapists must be well versed in these disorders to catch the patterns. however a personal therapist may be able to support you in this.

[Stillhopeful4]

Good morning 2Loyal2Long,

I love the name by the way and I wanted to reach out and tell you that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling.  I have gone through this with my W for the past 10 years.  With her constantly running back to her mother.  This time, she used her mother to get money to move out and get her own place and she has now filed for divorce.  She has painted me black in the worst way and has launched a smear campaign against me telling all of our friends and MY kids (I had them before I met her) horrible lies.

My wife is BPD/AVPD and now apparently there is a bit of bipolar mixed in there or so says our T.  The cycle you refereed to is all too familiar to me.  It was perfect in the beginning...then little tiny things thru her into an emotional mess.  She would cry and rage of the tiniest things...for example one morning she thru a fit because I put a pan in the dishwasher...she was screaming and yelling and throwing things.  This was about 4 years into our marriage...mind you all 4 years I had been putting pans in the dishwasher.  This in one small examples of 100's.

I know what you mean about intermittent positive reinforcement and the abuse cycle and holding out for "crumbs".  My therapist says I'm not in love with her and that it's a trauma bond.  It must be because she's still doing horrible things and yet I still love her and want her back.

I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone.  Post often, post examples.  The members here are great with helping guide you through this.

((HUGS)

SH4

[2Loyal2Long]

Thank you both for your feedback, I didn’t think anyone saw this and realized I couldn’t delete.  I really appreciate you both sharing that this is familiar and I’m not alone.  I can’t describe this nightmare, my health has suffered tremendously.

Every single therapist has missed this.  Every.Single.One.

HOW?

How is it that I figured it out?  How could a trained professional miss this?  I researched and uncovered the trauma bond and intermittent positive reinforcement, I literally had to explain the Skinner Study to a therapist and even then no one suspected BPD, not even me.  It wasn’t until recently that a therapist and someone else professionally trained suggested that both he and my mom probably had BPD.  With the way I’ve acted towards this abuse you’d think I’d be the one with the diagnosis.  After enough I do explode but I’ve gotten a handle on it but containing the anger towards this childish, selfish, punitive, controlling behavior has destroyed my health.  No, it’s not easy to break a trauma bond but I’m literally fighting for my life these days.

Do they pick stable people who won’t go away?  I never wanted divorce but it looks like the only solution left.

Early on while we were still dating he was extremely insecure and needed a lot of reassurance.  He came on strong and fast and I wanted to move slower.  It infuriated him.  If I’d known then what I know now I’d have bolted.  He called me early one morning in a state of panic crying and begging me to never abandon him.  I thought he’d just had a bad nightmare.  Once he was sure I was ‘all in’ the tables reversed, he became very confident, and the intermittent control started.  Next thing I knew the pursued (me) became the pursuer.

Why would a human being torture someone like this?

Please keep the (kind) replies coming.  You can’t imagine how furious I am with all the therapists who missed this in marriage counseling and even an individual therapist tried to teach me how to tolerate his abuse and I’m now further entrenched in the trauma bond.

He started seeing a therapist a year ago and he’s convinced her I’ve destroyed the marriage.  Of course I’ve blown a fuse at times, what person wouldn’t be angry at this behavior?  We’re not talking about someone who leaves to pick up a gallon of milk and takes too long, we’re talking about someone who marries a woman and runs home to mommy and daddy who enable him.  I’m literally faced with the loss of my childbearing years because I fell for this person.

I do love him, I’m concerned about his mental state, but I need to break this cycle.  I do deserve better than this horrible treatment and it breaks my heart that there’s help available but his therapist isn’t calling him on the carpet on his behavior.

And next week is Christmas.  And I’m being punished with the silent treatment all because I asked to spend this past weekend together.  He wanted to reconcile and then yanked the rug out.  Me asking to spend one night with him causes this garbage?

Sounds like a defiant, controlling and temperamental three year old.  Yee gadz, I’m not his parents!

Help!

[2Loyal2Long]

Update:

I did find a new therapist last week and saw her for the first time, she’s well versed in this.  She sent me some additional resources and said I might identify with some of it.  Obviously she can’t diagnose him but she said my story sounds similar to someone who has been affected by narcissistic and borderline abuse syndrome.

I feel more at peace than I have in ages.  I don’t have to lose my mind anymore.  Now it’s time I focus compassion and kindness on myself.

And I still don’t hate him, I just can’t fuel his sickness any longer.

[hope2727]

Glad you are getting some better support. I found a website called out of the fog useful. I also found reading here and many of the ebook suggestions. You are not alone. Its been years for me and I still feel the exhaustion sometimes. You will survive this. Just be very careful and gentle with yourself.

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi 2Loyal2Long,

I'm glad you found a new therapist that's well versed in this!  I totally get where you are coming from.  If your H is similar to my W, which it sounds very much like they are, then he's probably a quiet borderline like my W and they are VERY hard to diagnose because they are so high functioning and they are master manipulators and don't show their true self in a 60 minutes session with T's.

I GET IT!  I'm struggling as well.  My W moved out 4 months ago, we were on speaking terms until about 6 weeks ago, she has since filed for divorce, yet I still love her and want her back.  Not sure how to get thru this.

Please post more examples and know we are all here for you ((HUGS)

SH4

[2Loyal2Long]

Thank you for your replies and support.

Today is our wedding anniversary.  He’s stonewalled me for a week now.  I broke down and called . . . no response.

What is he gaining from this silent treatment?  A sane person would divorce him.  Evidently I haven’t regained my sanity yet.

Encouragement and insight appreciated, thanks.

[snowglobe]

Thank you for your replies and support.

Today is our wedding anniversary.  He’s stonewalled me for a week now.  I broke down and called . . . no response.

What is he gaining from this silent treatment?  A sane person would divorce him.  Evidently I haven’t regained my sanity yet.

Encouragement and insight appreciated, thanks.

Dearest 2Loyal,
Let me begin by saying I’m sorry you are hurting, I’m sorry your ubpdh is yet again displaying unhealthy coping tools. Like many people here say, silent treatment is form of control, evidently some aspect of your husband’s is out of control, so he is trying to regain his equilibrium. Additionally, silent treatment is a form of punishment when npd feels like you didn’t do something they hoped you would. It isn’t about you, (hard to believe, I know) it’s about their distorted thinking 

[2Loyal2Long]

I appreciate your insight.  Let’s just say I don’t take kindly to childishness and emotional abuse.  My fighting back a week and a half ago has landed me in the punishment pile.  I hit below the belt and shamed him.  I’m not proud of my behavior, it was an urge to hurt him in return for his emotional abuse.  It never has good results and I’m just starting to learn some of the tools.  I’ve done all the wrong things and have helped seal his behavior by unknowingly rewarding it.  It’s a hard cycle to break and I’m not sure I want to be a caretaker for the rest of my life.

I’m grateful I’ve found a therapist who understands this.  It goes back to my relationship with my mother primarily.  My husband is exactly like her.  That would explain why the relationship with him seemed familiar when this started 16 years ago.  Obviously I have a lot of work to do on myself because I never once believed I didn’t deserve better than what he gave me.  I kept looking at myself to see what I needed to change because he was adept at blame shifting.  No matter what I changed it was never sufficient, I understand why he kept moving the goalpost.  He needed all power and control in the relationship and I’d been groomed from childhood that abuse looks like love.  If I ever find authentic, loving, give and take in the future,  I’ll probably go into shock over what I’ve tolerated.

He sees a therapist individually and we’ve met with her twice.  I picked up quickly that he’s manipulated her and she coddles him.  She’s a great enabler.  I wanted to ask her why he needs all power and control in the relationship and he cleverly diverted the conversation each time and I fell under that spell because he put on a believable show both times.  That’s my downfall, I didn’t speak up.  I told my Alanon sponsor his therapist will be at the top of my fourth step on resentments.  At this point I’m fairly certain I’ve been painted black in his individual sessions and she’s coaching him on no contact.  It’s just a guess, but since this phase of his stonewalling has been so vicious I believe she’s supporting his behavior and he feels empowered.  She did say in the last session where the three of us met (he claimed he wanted to reconcile, obviously it was another move to keep me on the string and he put on a believable show that I bought into) that she can only go on the information he gives her in their sessions.  Duh, he’s a manipulative, pathological liar.  I did reach out to her after I discovered he had no intention of moving back home and I felt my next step would be divorce.  I left her a voicemail letting her know there was abuse going on I didn’t believe she was aware of and she texted me instead of returning a call.  She stated I hadn’t mentioned anything on the voicemail that she wasn’t already aware of (I didn’t leave specifics).  She said that she was his therapist and would have no contact with me unless he requested it.  I understand her position but her refusal to hear another side so she can address his behavior before he does it to his next target (or continue it with me if we ever stood a chance) blew me away.  I was very clear that I felt our marriage was over at that time (my feelings go back and forth).and I wasn’t trying to turn her into a marriage therapist (she’s not trained for it but agreed to meet with us on two previous occasions).  I texted back that if she was aware of the abuse and was allowing it to continue then she’s condoned it.  I let her know I’d file a complaint with the state so they could address the situation and that I’d be fair and had no intention of hurting her career, it was simply to have a voice and that I wouldn’t be silenced.

It got ugly, she accused me of threatening her (the state allows for a complaint process, I was letting her know what I would do to be heard and I should have just filed the complaint without alerting her).  Let’s just say emotions were high because her refusal to listen basically protected the abuser.   She smarted off to me in her last text message and became antagonist, threatening, and bullying.  She told me in her manner of delivery that she’s not qualified to practice.  It was beyond unprofessional, it was bullying and abuse.

So why did I dump all this out?  It’s Christmas, two days ago was our wedding anniversary, next week is my birthday, and he knows how much his silent treatment hurts me.  It’s a power play.  And, quite frankly, I’m sick of his enablers protecting him to cause further damage.  His therapist has a family to spend Christmas with.  My husband is with his enmeshed, elderly mother and dysfunctional brother.  A sick family still provides companionship.  His therapist  earned her spot at the top of my fourth step.  I’ve spent Christmas alone, I’ve made the best of it and went to Mass last night.

I needed to get that out.  Yes, I know I’ve contributed to the problems and it’s taken a long time to get this far and gain self awareness.  I’ve been very honest about my wrongdoings with my own therapist and went so far as to ask her if I was the one with BPD and we’ve covered my childhood as well.  If I had the disorder I wanted to know.  She said that she doesn’t believe I have the BPD qualities (I’ve been gut wrenchingly honest) and she said responses to abuse can make a person question if they have the disorder if they’re reflective and take ownership  (she would know, she’s a DBT therapist on a team and treats BPD patients as well as family members affected by the BPD).  I’m very self reflective and intuitive, I’ve been told to quit assuming so much accountability for the breakdown of the relationship.  It’s his goal to gaslight and deflect responsibility and accountability off of him and keep the cycle of abuse, blame shifting, power, and control ongoing.

So there you have it.  I’m fighting for my own sanity and healing and it’s hell thawing out and seeing this for what it really is.  At least I’ll be better qualified to spot the red flags in the future.  But damn this hurts.  I’ve got a lot of work and healing to do.

On a side note, my therapist did tell me that just because he’s most likely BPD that it doesn’t mean he didn’t love me.  He’s done the best he can with what he has.  Sadly, his own therapist is trying to get him to think his way into better behavior (she’s made no progress with him for an entire year, he’s only gotten worse with a few brief respites but he still doesn’t see his true part in the breakdown of the marriage) and my therapist said DBT uses behavioral changes which ultimately change the cognitive distortions.

Great, the person I love is with a therapist who’s doing it backwards.  She believes he’s bipolar.  Not.  His mood swings are based on interpersonal relations and are event specific:  I ask for what I need in the relationship and he becomes defiant and controlling, escalation occurs when I speak the truth.  It’s not a chemical imbalance as is present in bipolar.  I would know but no therapist or psychiatrist is around when his childish control kicks in and he’s not about to tell them a truth he denies.  In his mind I’m the one who creates the problems.  I guess it empowers him to be “right” and the mental and medical health communities have  failed him miserably.  His therapist missed the boat with her self righteousness..  Damn her.