Was it BPD or something else altogether

[fogle24]

Never posted on an internet forum before, but curious as to what other peoples opinion of my recent breakup with someone that exhibited a-lot of the traits of BPD.

We meet at work and at the start i had no real interest in her as i seen her as someone out of my league altogether. That all changed when she asked me out for coffee, from this point on we were inseparable and things moved really fast, we ended up sleeping with each other after a work night out, at which point she told me she had just got out of a relationship and she never usually moves on this fast with anyone.

Within a month of dating she was telling me i had changed her and how abusive her ex was to her, not long after this the love word was thrown out, and i felt the same.

It wasn't until about 3 months in when i noticed a series of red flags, she started to cancel plans all the time, never returned calls ,spent most of her time smoking weed alone or with her friends.

Every now and again, she would reach out via txt looking to hangout but this was always on her terms, she never liked me making simple plans like going out for dinner or a trip to the beach as it "stressed her out".

Once i confronted her about this she then told me that it was her living conditions in her own flat, and she wanted to move in with me, at the time i was sharing an apartment with an old college friend so we started to look for a house together, things then started to get good she kept telling how it will be "good for her to live with me" however after viewing a few places she started to go distant again, it was at this point that she then decided that because she lived with an ex before she wanted to live alone and find herself a new place.

This then quickly changed from "finding a place of her own" to passing judgement on me for not living alone and still sharing an apartment with a friend.

Her attitude towards things that we normally talked about changed drastically i found myself having to walk on egg shells when talking to her, as she would all of a sudden give me the silent treatment, even when we were out for meals at night. She would also accuse me of looking at other women all the time, when the truth was I only had eyes for her.

Other times she would never tell me what I did to upset her, rather hold it against me until she started to talk to me again.

The thing is i always seemed to be doing things wrong, anytime i suggested we go away for a bit, she would get more distant. But then she would accuse me of not wanting to spend time with her, it was all very confusing to me at the time and i started to feel like i was worthless in her eyes, until she started talking to me again.

It was a constant rollercoaster, her mood would change constantly from being happy with me to not even wanting me to look at her or talk to her, this could happen in a matter of minutes rather than hours at times. When she moved into a shared apartment she never let me stay over, almost as if she was hiding something from me. One day when I was driving into town I seen her walking back to her place with a strange guy heading in the direction of her apartment, looking as if they were both out drinking. I never confronted her about this as she later that night messaged me to say she was out with friends for lunch and then walked home, so assumed it was just a friend.

One weekend I decided to surprise her with a spa weekend to allow her and me to destress, things were great that weekend, she seemed more herself than ever before, and we both felt our connection again, and were relaxed with each other.

Come the next Monday she then decided she needed a break from things to clear her head. The next day i found out she had slept with another guy in our work, and had told him we were finished i got a text from her to say we were never getting back together. The difficult part of this was that weeks before this I noticed them both coming in at the same time together looking as if they were both out drinking the night before.

The same guy she slept with from work approached me and said he had told her it was a mistake and that’s all it was, and she was the one that approached him.

2 weeks went by and i slipped into a depression, and took some time off work. I went no contact from her, but she kept trying to contact me via txts or calls at all times of the day and night. I finally caved in to this  and met up with her she told me that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and that she needed a year to be by herself to figure things out..

I tried to remain friends with her as part of me felt sorry for her, later she then moved city and job (this is her 6th time moving job in 6 years) however kept contacting me with txts, calls and pictures. When speaking to a mutual friend I found out she had got back together with another old flame, this person was always in the picture when we were together I trusted her that they were just friends, but finding out that they were also ex’s was a killer blow to the system.

she seems to be keeping me in her orbit, and has yet to tell me about this new relationship, out of the blue one night she turned up outside my house and spent the night, she wanted me to cuddle her which I found strange considering having the knowledge of this new relationship.

We ended up sharing the same bed waking up as if it was old times again, we didn’t have sex but she then txt me to say that was the most connected she’s felt with anyone.  Weeks went by and she contacted me again about this night saying it was on her mind alot.

Currently im trying not to contact her, and she appears to be doing the same. But really just wondering if this is normal behaviour for someone with bpd?

[SinisterComplex]

Well...I will not give a diagnosis, but what I will say is that you came to the right place. Just browse through all the stories and educate yourself. I believe you will be able to draw your own conclusions.

My recommendation...keep the no contact up. I do not see a happy ending (if I saw something that provided hope here I would say so). Anyone who is deceitful, lies, betrays, and plays games is a waste of space and time for you regardless if they have a disorder or not. Never trust the words. Pay attention to the actions. If the words and actions don't match up...you cut that person loose and tell them to go kick rocks (it is becoming my signature tagline...). Do you really want to be a fallback option and not THE OPTION? That is how I see this...you are just an option so you'll get hooked in again and then when something potentially better comes along you will be dropped like a sack of potatoes and its onto the next. Having your mind and your emotions toyed with like this isn't right and it is not fair and you deserve better and most importantly...you deserve more respect than what you received.

Forgive them for they not what they do and forgive yourself. Move on. The ink is dry in this chapter of your life.

Cheers and best wishes to you moving forward!

-SC-

[fogle24]

Thanks for the post reply,  Working on myself at the moment so not having the temptation of the ex texting is helping alot. And your so right, being on someones back burner isn't what i want or deserve.

Being in relationships before and had them end, but for some strange reason this one keeps me clinging on, thats something that i dont full grasp yet.

Thanks SC

[Lucky Jim]

Hey fogle24, No, we can't diagnose here, as SC explained.  If you go to the bar at the top, you'll see information on Diagnosis and Treatment, as well as Tools.  You might want to review Boundaries, under the Tools heading.  Showing up at your place and spending the night, after recently parting ways w/you, is not OK to me.  It's likely she will continue to test your boundaries until you put your foot down and tell her to go "kick rocks"  .  Seriously, you don't need this kind of turmoil.  Time to move on, my friend.

LuckyJim

[Longterm]

Hi fogle24 and welcome.

It sounds like you ex partner has got you into a bit of a tailspin. You have come to the right place to start the process of understanding what has gone on.

What you experienced at the beginning of the relationship is love bombing and what you are experiencing now is push and pull. It can be very confusing and hard to get your head around, we have all been through it or are currently going through it.

Being NC can help you to collect your thoughts and help you get to a better place so it is good that you have chosen to avoid contact, I'm guessing you are still seeing her at work though right? How are you coping with that?

LT.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for the post reply,  Working on myself at the moment so not having the temptation of the ex texting is helping alot. And your so right, being on someones back burner isn't what i want or deserve.

Being in relationships before and had them end, but for some strange reason this one keeps me clinging on, thats something that i dont full grasp yet.

Thanks SC

No problem Fogle AKA McLovin (its what I thought of...from the movie Super Bad). Bringing some humor to the situation...I'll go one step further and pull from Dave Chappelle and go with the Ha B*tch you tricked me skit.  . Laughing at it and being able to not take it so seriously helps the healing process. Believe me even though you were treated wrong you can't take it so personally.

To be real though...the reason you are clinging on is by design. You were manipulated and you essentially had a virus get hacked into your emotional mainframe. Don't feel ashamed. It happens to the best of us. When you run into these relationships there is always something for you to learn that is hidden that will become revealed once the smoke clears. One perspective to take once you are ok with yourself mentally and emotionally is to look back and go man...whiskey tango foxtrot was I thinking? What did I expect? Believe me it helps.

Continue to post and vent as necessary. The support is here.

Cheers to you McLovin and you will be THE OPTION for any future relationships ;-)

[fogle24]

Thanks again for the replies, had a good read around the forums and tools and its scary some of the traits that i seen in the relationship which were clear red flags.

SC you found out the source of my name 

Seriously, some of these comments have really helped. 

[fogle24]

She quit work after 3 weeks and moved to the same city as her old ex, but for a while having to be professional with her in work was hard but i got through it.

looking at this as a virus is a good way to look at it, emotionally i just need to find a cure and a preventative for the future, no easy task but the journey will be worth it in the end.