Repeating patterns from my childhood

[lupinlove]

Hello, I am new to this, so I am feeling a bit vulnerable. I´m not even sure if I belong here. I live far away from my family, as in, a whole other continent, so I often feel that I have no-one to talk to that would understand me without judging me. My mother very probably has BPD although she has never been diagnosed. When I read about the disorder, it is like reading about us when we were kids. Our childhood was very chaotic, turbulent and at times, downright terrifying. I have been in and out of therapy myself as an adult, but it has only helped a bit here and there. I am married now, and he is definitely not someone with BPD, but I almost feel like I recreate an environment that is similar to that of my childhood. Certainly, he has a few characteristics that are similar to my mother- he is very quick to anger, he does not readily take responsibility for things he has done and he is fairly unpredictable about what will anger him. But I am really affected by every conflict that we have...like the world is ending. I see my mother in myself and my reaction many times when we are in conflict, which terrifies me and makes me think I could have it too. I guess I just want to know if anyone else does this in their own current, non-BPD relationships? I feel like I am sabotaging my current relationship, but I feel at a loss as to how to change this pattern that I am stuck in and I feel really alone in this.

[pursuingJoy]

Hugs, lupinlove. Welcome to bpdfamily. I know it took some courage to share what's going on and I admire that. I've found this to be a safe space and I know you will too!

My situation is a little different than yours in that I'm in your husband's shoes as far as BPD goes. My MIL is probably BPD, my H really struggles to acknowledge that there is a problem, and right now we are in the midst of a half year struggle over her behavior.

I see my mother in myself and my reaction many times when we are in conflict, which terrifies me and makes me think I could have it too. I guess I just want to know if anyone else does this in their own current, non-BPD relationships? I feel like I am sabotaging my current relationship, but I feel at a loss as to how to change this pattern that I am stuck in and I feel really alone in this.

Sometimes it helps us give more accurate feedback if you provide an example. Can you share something that happened recently that made you wonder if you have BPD or think that you have picked up your mother's behavior?

You're not at all alone in realizing that you've picked up unhealthy behaviors. Our parents shape us, and we either learn to adjust our needs to fit their demands, or we sort of become like them. My dad was NPD. I've unintentionally sabotaged meaningful relationships because I have trouble with emotional connections, and I haven't learned to navigate conflict well. I'm aware of it, though, and I'm learning new behaviors.

We're here, lupinlove, and it's going to be ok.
pj

[lupinlove]

Hi PJ, Thanks for responding so quickly! You asked for an example. A few weeks ago, my husband asked me to help him do the dishes, but he wanted to do them NOW. I had something else to do. He started insisting, and I could feel my heart pounding. I get just terrified if I am confronted. He also is really intense- so it is his way of talking to me and his facial expression that gets me going and I feel so afraid that something is going to explode. I am really working on trying to control my reaction, and I held it together for a bit, trying to reason with him why I couldn´t help him right then, but then I fell apart and I do so with anger. I yelled at him and he quickly left me to do the dishes by myself. But then I go after him later, I pursue him, I want to fix everything, I want him to apologize, I want him to see it my way. I really do carry on, and everything feels like it is falling apart. I feel angry at him, and hate myself. I find it hard to calm down and figure out what I am feeling and why I am so upset. I feel like I blow something little like that way out of proportion. I feel ashamed of my inability to control myself and manage my emotions. So in all those ways, I feel like my mom. But what feels unique to me, is the level of fear that I experience when faced with conflict, or needing to express a desire or need to my partner. It takes huge courage to ask for what I need, so I usually don´t until we are arguing and everything comes out like a huge avalanche. I know intuitively that I need to stop engaging and be able to calm down, and not have my emotions hinged on what he does or feels, but putting it into action is really difficult and so far I haven't had too many successes that I can fall back on.

[pursuingJoy]

lupinlove, you sound very self-aware. I'm impressed at your ability to break down this example and identify your feelings at each stage.  

A few weeks ago, my husband asked me to help him do the dishes, but he wanted to do them NOW. I had something else to do. He started insisting, and I could feel my heart pounding. I get just terrified if I am confronted. He also is really intense- so it is his way of talking to me and his facial expression that gets me going and I feel so afraid that something is going to explode. I am really working on trying to control my reaction, and I held it together for a bit, trying to reason with him why I couldn´t help him right then, but then I fell apart and I do so with anger.

This seems like a critical moment. I don't like confrontation either.

I wore glasses as a kid, and I also loved playing soccer. When I played, I held back because I was terrified of getting hit in the face with glasses on. One day, it just happened - I got hit in the face. And wouldn't you know, it wasn't that bad! In fact, surviving it made me feel stronger, so I played harder.

You're talking about your fear which is huge. Fear isn't bad or good, it's a thing we are wired to feel for our own protection. If our fear juices get flowing too fast they can impact the way we see the world and react. It happens to me all the time lately. What is scary to you about expressing a need? Are you able to identify what you're afraid of?

[lupinlove]

Well I guess I am afraid of a few things. A big one is that I am afraid we will argue, that it will be taken wrong, that he won't like the way I brought it up or any number of things that would then result in conflict. We have had some pretty nasty fights and I avoid them at all costs. He doesn't really like to talk much- I think he is pretty gun shy too, thinking that every time we talk about anything even slightly sensitive, it has the potential to blow up- so it is "better" to just avoid it. The fallout is way too costly.
 The other thing is that I am very afraid of angry people, so even though I know that anger is normal (and I can become very angry myself) when I see it in others, I actually shake. So although I realize that it can be a healthy expression, I personally have not really seen, or at least I don't recognize healthy anger and therefore don't know how to respond. I completely lose the ability to think rationally and don't know how to "separate" myself from their anger.