Not doing well and did everything wrong

[twocrazycats]

Well, I feel so stupid. Here I was giving advice to others here about what works for my daughter, and now I can't even do what I recommend.

She's been away at college but is now home for Winter Break. The big conflict that occurred over the summer between us was caused by her relationship with a boyfriend. They go to the same college, but he also lives near us. Apparently, he must have been getting in her way when she wanted to be with friends, so she broke up with him.

 She came home saying she was happy to be single and acting normal towards me. Then last night she said she was going to "breakfast" with him at 11 today. I innocently said, "Oh, I thought you broke up with him." She said "I did. We're going out as friends." I said, "Oh, do you really think that's a good idea?" That's when she blew up, screamed that she could do what she wanted, it was her decision, etc. That's also when I remembered that she had been sitting in her room wearing basically underwear, fixing her hair just right while facetiming with someone, apparently him. Realizing that I'd been lied to, I felt triggered (long story) and I blew up and told her if she was going to lie and scream at me, she might need to find another place to live. I said that I hadn't cried in 3 months. She said "that's because I wasn't here." I said that I didn't feel safe emotionally in my own house when she's here. It's true, but I know that I shouldn't have said it to her. Her behavior triggers me, and I've recently realized that my mother probably had BPD (typical waif) and lied to me all the time and about important things. When your teenager lies to you, she's being a teenager, or a teenager with BPD. When your mother lies to you about going somewhere or coming back or not, and you're a small child, your life might actually be in danger. I reacted to my teenager as if my life were in danger. It was not, but I felt intense emotional pain as if it were (the last thing my mother ever said to me was a lie).

Now my daughter is staying the night with the boyfriend, and I feel sad and panicky, because I feel I blew it. My daughter said she felt scared by me last night because I yelled at her and slammed a few doors. Maybe she did. Or maybe she had it planned all along to cause a fight and have an excuse to stay out after saying she'd be back. Regardless, I made sure to apologize to her for my own outburst.

And tomorrow I go to the airport to pick up my nonBPD son, who is coming home for the holidays from his graduate program abroad in London. He and I get along really well, and I should be so incredibly happy right now, but I can't stop feeling the pain of the situation with my daughter.

In one of the trauma books I'm reading, a woman with PTSD from an operation describes how, in that operation, she wasn't given enough anesthesia, and she felt all the pain of a tubal ligation. She said it felt like the worst torture, but she couldn't say anything or move because she'd been given a muscle relaxant. That's how my emotions feel around my daughter. Unbearable raw pain, yet I can't say anything.

I know that I need to find a new therapist. I honestly thought I was feeling okay during those months that my daughter was away at college, so didn't bother to try to find one.

Feeling pretty worthless right now.
2CC

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I said that I hadn't cried in 3 months. She said "that's because I wasn't here." I said that I didn't feel safe emotionally in my own house when she's here. It's true, but I know that I shouldn't have said it to her.

It sounds like you two talked past each other in that exchange. She might have been communicating "me being around causes you pain," the underlying emotion possibly, because I'm worthless and unworthy of love which is the core feeling of someone with BPD. 

Though she's still a kid, she's also an adult and her relationship is her business, even if it looks like typical BPD- like push/pull. That's for him to engage. 

It's good that you realize how your own FOO may have triggered you. 

By the way, we would welcome you on the PSI board if you want to explore how you grew up with your mother

I find that we kids who grew up with a BPD or NPD parent often have trouble giving ourselves grace, yet tomorrow is another day to grow and an opportunity to make out better. 

[twocrazycats]

Thank you for the quick reply, Turkish. I know that her relationship is her business, and I know that my behavior was worse than hers this time. That's why I feel so horrible. It's just that everything with her hurts so, so much.
2CC

[Turkish]

Enjoy your son coming home, and I hope that you and your daughter have a more peaceful interaction the next time.  I also hope to see you on the PSI board soon 

For me: my mother has PTSD, BPD, Depression, and Anxiety. I know how it is to grow up not feeling safe, and anxious about most interactions. I was often sent to school sniffling after being yelled at and smacked for early morning offenses unbeknownst to me. I catch myself with my own kids sometimes, and even knowing that my son has ASD1, he'll sometimes trigger me.  He yelled and cried and told me this last week that he hated me after he kept messing around at the dinner table.  My instinct was to slap him like my mom would have.  In the past, I raised my hand, and my boy cringed in fear.   

I thought, I'm not my mother and I felt horribly that my son would fear me like that.  Those are the times to pause and take inventory...

[Resiliant]

Well, I feel so stupid. Here I was giving advice to others here about what works for my daughter, and now I can't even do what I recommend.

CC, I understand how that feels!  We all fall down sometimes, thanks for being brave and sharing!   I have enjoyed and appreciated all of your posts.  As for myself I have been walking on these same two feet for 52 years and I still trip and fall.

I love Turkish's invitation for you to try out the PSI board as well.  Lately I have been reading the posts on that board to learn and understand more about what my kids may be feeling or coping with in terms of their father and it is enlightening.    It manifested itself in my daughter physically (colitis and irritable bowel etc.) and my son suffers mentally.

Back to your daughter, when I read your post I wasn't sure if she was even specifically lying.  She may have been telling herself that she was happy being single, and telling herself that they aren't getting back together.  And, we all know kids nowadays are different.  Many of them have "friends with benefits".  Just because they are going to hang out together doesn't mean anything really.    And, I am sure you realize this now that you are no longer triggered.

It's great that you recognize your triggers.  That is the first step to getting over them.   For two years after an event in my past I had triggers and eventually each time I reminded myself that was what it was and they have faded.   Having said that these were adult event related triggers,  not from childhood.  I can't speak to those.

Look at me, I'm rambling.  I really just wanted to say hi and I'm cheering for you...

 
R

[PeaceMom]

2CC,
All this is so familiar to me. I had to jump in here as yesterday DD 19 told me she broke up w/BF then I go in her room and she’s in underwear FT w/him. I get triggered by the impropriety that is simply dangerous-leading him on and just being unaware of basic societal standards.IN MY HOME.

Mine totally goes back to FOO not feeling safe. I did a FOO trauma weekend recently that follows Pia Mellody’s Program. What an Eyeopener for me.

Someone that had a stable, safe, nurturing parent most the time in childhood will be much less reactive to a BPD adult child. They will feel more grounded in their body and be the anchor in the storm.

It’s so interesting to me that when we adopted her at 17 mos and I had a 7, 5, 3 yr old boys, I was more than able to handle the chaos for many many years, but when her raging began and inappropriate social behavior took over at age 13, I became overreactive, startled and completely unbalanced. I myself reverted back to me at age 13 where my m.o. was to be perfect, cause no trouble and fly under radar. Watching DD do the opposite became about me at that age and how horrible it would have been for me to act out like she does. It could have been life/death consequences for me -so YES it triggers the heck out of me.

Do you relate to any of this share from me?

[Blueskyday]

I totally agree with all that's been said.
I also wonder if somewhere inside you were waiting for the other shoe to drop and that triggered you.

After all, she came home with drama..We broke up and we are now friend's etc..I think you are probably right that. she used the fight to stay over.

I think you were being triangulated and either knew on some level or felt the incongruity and  were triggered by that.

My boss is a sly manipulative man
 He can smile to your face, agree with everything you say and then throw you under a bus. He triggered me for 2 yrs as I felt the disconnect from him with the words and the behaviour. Sometimes its subtle but its there.

I am glad your son is home xx

[twocrazycats]

Oh my gosh, thank you for the replies! I can relate to all of it!

Yes, the impropriety of the face timing in underwear bothers me. She has dressed seductively since she was about 13 or 14 years old. It's not the style. I look around campus, and I don't see any other girls dressed the way my daughter dresses.

She came home today. She said she and the bf are not back together. They are still just friends. So maybe they are friends with benefits. Who knows? I do know that I saw that look in her eye that she gets when she's lying, trying to put one past me. Like Bluesky said, it's subtle. And that, for me, makes it worse. When she rages, like she used to do but doesn't do as much any more, it's obvious to the world that she's doing something hurtful. But when she acts like she did the other night, there's no way on earth that I can prove to anybody that I KNOW that she is mentally stepping on my heart (and I know it's probably not on purpose, it's just that my heart is in the way of what she wants at the moment). And that's exactly what happened in my FOO also.

Peacemom, the FOO workshop sounds wonderful. It makes sense that a parent with no FOO issues can more easily handle a child with PBD. The thing is, for the most part, I know what works with my daughter. I know what helps her. And when I feel triggered, I just can't make myself do or say the right things.

I did post over on the Parent/Sibling Board, but I haven't had the chance to check if there were any responses.

On a positive note, it was wonderful picking up my son at the airport and seeing him walk through the gate after not seeing him for four months. I felt truly happy, and his eyes showed that he was truly happy, too.

I am also truly happy and thankful to have these boards with people who truly understand what it's like to deal with someone with BPD.

2CC

[Turkish]

She came home today. She said she and the bf are not back together. They are still just friends. So maybe they are friends with benefits. Who knows? I do know that I saw that look in her eye that she gets when she's lying, trying to put one past me.

I'd say that FWB is likely, or something like that.  It would be hard for me as a parent not to judge that, but that's their business.

Not getting triangulated, as Blueskyday observed, would help to reduce conflict.

[Blueskyday]

I would also be mindful if at all possible that she may attempt to triangulate with her brother.

It seems to me she is ready for drama. I know you think you started this in a way but I don't think you really did.

Enjoy the time you have with your son