I’ve had it

[podsnapG]

I’m very distressed and need to vent. My heart racing just thinking about it. I called my enmeshed brother on the phone tonight, at his request. I’ve been very LC with he and my uBPD SIL. My H is NC, which they are obsessed about understanding and changing his mind. In the last week or so, I decided to reach out and try to thaw the deep freeze (we have the common goal of our elderly mom, who lives in a group residence) I was hoping to get to a point of amicable LC concerning mom. I arranged a pre Christmas dinner next weekend at a restaurant with myself, bro, SIL, nephew & his GF. I think my goal was to make my mom happy (her kids having dinner together- she can’t get out anymore) and making one more effort.

Anyway, I planned the ice breaking phone call with my bro, thinking about how I’d set boundaries - we shouldn’t won’t talk over each other, and should try to listen to the other before responding. I stated the parameters and said that phone calls were not the best way to have these conversations, he said he likes phone calls. The best laid plans! He pretty much blamed me for several things and threw subtle and not so subtle digs at me. From this call and the last two times we talked, I can see that he is suspicious of me... he thinks I’ve set mom against him or and changed her relationship with him since I moved here (my H and I moved to take care of my mom. We lived with her for 4 years until she moved to the nursing home) I have asked that he and I have a one on one meeting- he refuses to meet unless his wife or my mom are present. I asked him why, and he said he thought I would be setting him up - for what, I don’t know? At one point I told him how much mom loves him, as I suspected there was some ancient sibling rivalry or jealousy over my close relationship with mom. Maybe it sounded patronizing? I only meant to comfort him. He turned that around and became suspicious of why I would even say that, what would make me think I need to say that. Tons of FOG... my SIL is the most giving, honest person he’s ever known, I am the “architect” of this situation. I met with my SIL about a month ago (one on one, BTW) and afterwards she asked if I’d been recording the conversation (I pushed the mute button my phone when we sat down at the cafe.) Brother is angry all the time and has tried to involve my 90 yo mom in all of this. They both have disordered thinking, but my compassion is wearing thin.

I feel drained after every interaction with them. I don’t see the point of having a relationship with them. Nothing I say or do is anything but hurtful to them. I don’t like them anymore. When my mom has passes on, my H and I will move back to our former home in another state.

I am thinking about canceling next weekend’s dinner. Should I go through with it, then go NC? I’ve made a point of keeping my commitments with them, but just don’t know anymore. I’d like to see my nephew and don’t get many chances to see him. He works in the same space as my brother and knows what’s going on. Planning a visit him alone might seem like a betrayal. Any thoughts?

NC was awful, LC is awful. Grief at loss of family, elation to be free of family. I’m facing the grief of losing my mom. They will likely make it even worse. I won’t want to hear the blame and guilt they’ll try to throw my way. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but need strategies to help me cope.

Thanks to you all. Peace to you all.

[kiwigal]

I just wanted to validate the distress you're feeling and say I understand.
I am so glad you can come here and vent and try and make sense of it.
I love the idea of that meal you have organised. It sounds like you have stayed in synch with your core values of family connectivity and honouring your mum, even though you know it is hard! I can't help but think of the courage and legacy that is. You are turning patterns around.
What do you think your brothers attachment style is? I wonder if identifying it, would help to get some insight in how you can 'manage' him and his wife?
https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/

[podsnapG]

Hello kiwigal,

Thanks for the input. I’m unfamiliar with attachment styles- very interesting to consider! I’ll do some more reading in that area.

I will follow through with the dinner, but after that, I’m going Gray Rock and very, very LC. I will no longer initiate contact. The phone call with my brother reaffirmed my suspicions that he is too far gone. And mean. He cloaks it all in self righteousness and “family values”, but is mean, angry and disrespectful towards me. This happens only when we talk on the phone or he texts me. When others are around he’s Mr. Nice Guy. He now exhibits just as many BPD traits as SIL. I choose not to be around that.

Wish me luck with the dinner! I’ll be honing my gray rock techniques over the next few days. I’ve stopped drinking... thank goodness for Xanax.

[TelHill]

Hi podsnap,

Kudos to you for taking care of yourself.  I go to family and work events and do the same with certain people.  Thank goodness for the smart phone. When things get rough, it's a polite way to tune out/not pay attention.

Good luck with the dinner!  

[kiwigal]

Hello kiwigal,

He cloaks it all in self righteousness and “family values”, but is mean, angry and disrespectful towards me. This happens only when we talk on the phone or he texts me. When others are around he’s Mr. Nice Guy.

That can feel so isolating cant it? And crazy making!
I love your idea of going gray rock and low LC. Gives you space to regain your sense of self and LIFE in other areas. We have your back Podsnap!

[podsnapG]

Thanks Kiwigal and Telhill! Smartphone distraction is a good tool, Telhill, thanks for reminding me of that one. A psychologist friend recommended a body awareness technique as a distraction- gently tapping my leg with the opposite hand. I saw my T yesterday - she gave me another tip about the dinner: have cash on hand to pay for my part, so if I need to leave, it’ll be quick and fast. We also went over the gray rock attitude. I can be a gray rock through dinner, then let it all out and vent afterwards   

The validation I receive here on bpdfamily, as well as with my T and H have made me feel so much more confident.   

[podsnapG]

By coincidence I just came across information about “Tapping” or EFT, which involves tapping acupressure points while acknowledging stress in the body. That must be what my psychologist friend was telling me about! I’m doing more reading about it- is anyone here familiar with it? I’ll research discrete points that I can tap at the dinner table, otherwise it might get comical!

[Sandalwood]

Hi Podsnap. I feel so much for you. I relate strongly to grieving family and being elated to be family free. It is a constant dance, isn't it?
I admire  your dinner plans, and I love your T's suggestion that you be ready to high-tail it out of there if the going gets rough.
As for tapping, or EFT, it is a sequence of taps on specific energy points on your head, face, collar bone and rib cage. It isn't generally done when you are with other people, unless you are working through a tapping sequence together. It is used as a method of releasing pain or discomfort and people often have remarkable results. It is a stress-reliever and good for focussing on releasing baggage and moving into better energy.
I dabble in it and I like it, but I have a tendency to forget to do it.
On YouTube you can find people who will run you through a sequence. You will learn the tap points after doing it a couple of times, and you will learn how to word your statements.
I found Gabrielle Bernstein's description and sequencing very helpful. I think I learned that from one of her books. She teaches EFT for anxiety and other forms of discomfort.
Good luck with the dinner, if you decide to do it. It is so hard to go back and forth on these decisions. I get it. I wish you all the best. Keep us posted.

[podsnapG]

Thanks for support, Sandalwood! I Watched some videos and tried the EFT basic sequence this morning. It really lowered my stress level. I’ve written down some strategies for dinner tonight, and doing the EFT sequence in the ladies room is one of them!

I could use some suggestions here-  I have told SIL that I will not talk about/ speak for/answer questions about my NC H, but she is likely to ask anyway. “Where’s **** tonight?” and “Are you driving back/Where are you staying tonight?” We live an hour away and will spend the night at a friend’s B&B so we don’t have to drive late. I’d prefer to be vague and not give them any info., especially since they know our friends and the B&B.

Possible replies- H questions
Honest: “I’m not answering questions about (H)”
Vague: “He had things to do, I don’t know where he is”
Fib: “He had to help our friends with something” (He does do work for them sometimes)

Where we’re staying questions-
Honest: not an option!
Vague: “someplace nearby” then change the subject
Lie: “We’re driving home tonight “

I figure  that any answer I give won’t satisfy them, but any advice is appreciated. Yesterday I felt like I was heading to the gallows- dread and anxiety. Today I feel better, but still wobbly.

[Harri]

Hi Podsnap.

How about saying "I'd rather not talk about that tonight" and change the subject to both questions?  Still direct and truthful.  No lying involved and you are upfront on where you stand without being confrontational or rude.  

[podsnapG]

Thanks, Harri. That’s a great response- simple and truthful. One of their triggers is when they think I’m not being truthful, so this will be a much better approach. I tend to overthink, and the best answer is sometimes the simplest.

[Harri]

I am an over thinker too.  I get it.   

As evidence of the above, I was thinking after I posted that there are ways you can say what I suggested so that it is not so blunt.  Tone and facial expression will make a difference.  The dinner will be tense and you want the best possible outcome right?

Say, with a smile and a friendly tone:  Oh, I'd rather not talk about that tonight we are having such fun (or whatever is within your style). 

For me, if it were my brother and SIL, I can see me saying "Oh, I'd rather not go there as it is upsetting.  What do you think of those decorations over there (or whatever)"

Having cash so you can leave is good too!  I like that idea.  Just knowing you have a quick way out must be a relief I assume. 

One thing I do suggest is that you practice saying a line out loud.  Doing it in your head is not enough I find.  Doing it out loud you can work on getting it to sound natural and comfortable, casual even.