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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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In a bad way
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« on: December 18, 2019, 05:47:20 PM »

i'm devestated
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« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2019, 05:50:22 PM »

What's going on, inabadway? How can we help?
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« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2019, 09:13:55 PM »

Hi In a bad way,

It’s been almost 4 months since we last heard from you and your ex was escalating?

Can you give us an update?
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2019, 10:06:33 PM »

Please provide some details so some of us can offer you some support and help you through your troubles. Don't be afraid. Let it out. You will not be judged.

Cheers!

-SC-
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« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2020, 06:54:27 PM »

Sorry for not replying sooner, I'm pretty depressed.
I cannot put the story on here yet, I know it's a million to one shot someone will recognise it but the way things are I wouldn't be surprised.
I will say that I don't know if she is BPD or NPD, my ex was BPD without a doubt. This new one shows so many narcissistic traits, I say new she has gone now.
I spent the worst Xmas and new year ever and her texts messages were her deriving pleasure from that.
She's working where I go a few times a week, we don't speak and I haven't tried.
I have to speak sometimes but only to say please and thank you.
She let me down so many times, changed plans and couldn't even be bothered to send a text to let me know, but said she loved me, she had zero consideration or respect.
Never said sorry, answered questions or statements with insults, and yes I ended up insulting her back.
I did everything for her including financially but she just let me wonder where she was and why she wasn't answering.
Totally disrespectful in my book.
She blocked me on whatsapp for 5 days then unblocked me and then 2 days later sent me a message, I've not read it, I can see the first 2 lines without opening it, this time she is not trying to reconcile, I'll read it when I do, she won't like the fact that it's unread.
But if I didn't reply to her fast enough she would accuse me of ghosting her, a phrase she never heard of till I mentioned it. She would go for hours not replying to me and then when she did it was nothing to do with my previous message.
She would then say she had been asleep when the message had 2 blue ticks so I knew it had been read.
The list goes on, I wish I could tell you the full story of the last few weeks.
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« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2020, 07:12:12 PM »

She did what most do and cause chaos when there was no need, wreck plans on special occasions, start an argument when a conversation would have surficed, be very cruel but call me a bully if I asked a question she didn't like, avoid answering.
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« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2020, 10:25:17 PM »

It sounds like she's taken control of your interactions. How can you take control, not to control her or her responses, but you as a independent entity?
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2020, 10:36:36 PM »

So as I tell everyone to do...please read what you have written and then take a moment to reflect. How does it make you feel? What do you think you should do? Do you feel you deserve this treatment? How do you want to be treated? For all intents and purposes...I think the ending to this story is rather apparent, but this is your story so however you want to craft that conclusion is up to you.

I would encourage to tell the story. Get that sh*t out of your system. Please do yourself the service of releasing. Holding back or holding onto this crap is just not healthy and will not help you heal or accomplish jack sh*t.

Now having said that...I would like to see you vent and get out what you feel is necessary. If you want anymore input then please ask otherwise I will just observe. I hope to see some progress.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2020, 02:58:08 AM »

I will say that I don't know if she is BPD or NPD, my ex was BPD without a doubt. This new one shows so many narcissistic traits, I say new she has gone now.

is the person youre writing about a different story than the one you originally came here with? have you been seeing someone new?
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In a bad way
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« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2020, 12:23:57 AM »

Yes this person is a different one, it took me over 2 years to recover from the one that brought me here. Then I met this one, I kept her at arms length for over a month to try to see what she was like, she seemed so different so we started seeing each other.
Looking back I was loved bombed, maybe I knew then?
She uses projection, and if I try to explain to her how or why she hurt me she turns it into an argument, anything I say she takes as criticism without being able to discuss it.
Her moods change, her tone of voice changes.
I never thought I would love again after last time, and now I am back to square one, why did I believe and trust her?
We've split up a few times but as you know they can't last long before they start again, build you up and knock you down, then walk away leaving you in a mess while they go happily around.
This one was more aggressive and abrupt and definitely not the quiet type like the first.
Little jokey comments from me which were harmless and fun were taken as "having a go " at her.
We've all been there.
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« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2020, 12:42:54 AM »

She has a nasty streak to her which I don't know if it's intentional, I reply to try to calm her down and reassure her but she gets worse and then I reply nastily back.....I'm only human, it's the frustration of being treated like cr*p when not done anything wrong, in fact done everything to help her.
I asked her if she was feeling better because she was in a bad mood in the morning, I didn't ask at the time because I had done that before and was met with hostility, so I waited and text her at night.
She said she was ok and asked why I was asking, I told her because she did not look very happy in the morning and also asked about her stomach problem.
That started world war 3 and she said I should have asked in the morning, I explained why I didn't as above.But you all know how well that went down.
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« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2020, 01:21:23 AM »

Here is an example of our last 2 messages.

ME;    We had a discussion last week about communicating our thoughts and feelings in an understanding manner but again you are being defensive why ?

HER;   It's called sticking up for myself what's wrong with that?

I'd just had abusive messages when she started off being nice but deteriorated quickly, that was actually a reasonably nice one. After me trying to explain things in a nice way.
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« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2020, 01:26:25 AM »

Next 2 messages.

ME;   But you have nothing to stick up for, I only ask if you are ok because it's obvious when you are in a mood and I care so I ask. You made out I was stupid for helping both NAME and NAME. Also it hurts to see you in a non happy mood and that affects me it's all because I care there is no intentional having ago at you when I ask you a question

HER;    Your so perfect aren't you. enjoy your ever so perfect life! It's like im replying to a brick wall there's no reasoning with perfection is there?

It's me who is talking to a brick wall, I'm sure a shrink would agree with me, tell me what you think. Also is it Bpd or NPD or is she just a crazy bi*tch?
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« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2020, 01:52:47 AM »





Now having said that...I would like to see you vent and get out what you feel is necessary. If you want anymore input then please ask otherwise I will just observe. I hope to see some progress.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

Your input would be much appreciated as would anybody else's thanks.
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« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2020, 02:05:57 AM »

10 days ago this woman was crying in my arms saying how sorry she was for all the horrible messages she sent me when we split up over Xmas and professing her undying love and telling me she knows I will always be there for her and how much I love her.
2 days later she changed our plans for the day without telling me, I had to work it out for myself as always when she changes plans, she just expects me to know, never tells me.
Then 4 days later she's talking to me like I am something she has got on her shoe.
She normally comes back about a week or so of my ignoring her, this time I told her it was over.
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« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2020, 02:11:39 AM »

Next and final 2 messages then she blocked me.
ME;  You are at it again getting aggressive , why? I've told you before I'm far from perfect, you have an obsession with saying I think I am. Why south aggression to a message I sent telling you how much I care?

HER;   Really

As I said she immediately blocked me after that.
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« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2020, 03:36:26 AM »

i know you are hurting and the roller coaster you are in right now is just chaos. But a few things about what is going on her that i just need to point out.

This is playing the blame game from you both. And man you said you have been here before and it took over 2 years for you to get over the last relationship. I don´t want to blame you in anyway and without all the details it is hard to say but just a thought. You are playing the martyr card here really hard. You are setting yourself up as the victim. It feels like it is more important for you to be right above anything else.

So my question that you should ask your´e self.. Are you taking the baggage from your last relationship in to this one? How you are writing it feels like you are comparing your last relationship.

Maybe reflect and try to give her some space and really try to be calm and understanding instead. This sounds really controlling and needy sorry to say =(

I mean no harm or disrespect to you. I just think that you should try to think outside the box a little if you really love this girl. Drop the blame game here. If she has not cheated on you or behaved in the most extreme hurting way you should just come the F down. I think the only big issue here is communication.

Anyways, good luck, hope you guys figure it out!
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« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2020, 04:57:57 AM »

No you don't know the details,
I've tried the calm approach it is met with aggression, when a discussion was all I wanted with her. I don't expect when I ask her a question to get a reply 5 hours later that has changed the subject and not answered, nor do I expect a question to bet replied to with verbal abuse.
If I send a text asking how are you feeling it should not lead to her starting an argument.
RESPECT was all I ever showed her and I got DISRESPECT in return.
Changing plans and not bothering to tell me is disrespectful and I wouldn't do it to her or anyone else. It would take a week to type out every single thing she has done.
I am not trying to be a victim I have been sh*t on from a great height.
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« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2020, 12:44:13 PM »

are the two of you broken up? are you done with the relationship?
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« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2020, 12:51:13 PM »

i see, well if she has bpd she has no respect for herself nor anybody else. So it is a lose, lose situation.  It all sound so familiar in so many ways. I remember when i was angry as hell. Ouch, try not to over analyse, it is a waste of time.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2020, 10:55:15 PM »

So this will be another thread I will revisit. However, through what I have seen thus far...there is an easy answer to this as far as how to proceed. I see no respect here at all. Remember, respect trumps all. It is more important to be respected than liked...especially when it comes to disordered individuals. To echo Teddy here (Teddy you are progressing...keep after it ;-)) this situation is a waste of time. In your mind you should be telling yourself to tell this person to kick go ricks and you move on and focus on living well. This is a lose-lose scenario and sadly the other person in this scenario shows no respect for you, herself, or anyone else it seems like. Do yourself a favor...heal yourself, but do not try to understand something which cannot be fully understood. I will respond again when I have more of a chance to go over everything.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2020, 12:35:26 AM »

Than You Sinister! I have learned  the best ;) The struggle is still real for so many of us. But as for Noway as well, when the fog starts to lift, then the chaos and anger also does. You start to see things more clearly and gain your own self respect.

How hard the situation and how painful it may be, Sinister is right. We are just wasting our time with illogical crazy. Things will get better. Just a month ago i really felt like i was going crazy and going to die of the pain. Now it still hurts but i have started to enjoy life a little at a time.

Go NC and move on with your life man. This is the only healthy way!
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« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2020, 06:13:02 AM »

Yes we have broken up, I called it off with her after abusive texts when all I did was ask how she was feeling because she had been in a bad mood in the morning and had a bad stomach.
She has broken up with me three times and come back, I think my breaking up with her has hit some sort of nerve, maybe shocked her? Annoyed her? who knows?
I explained I did it out of pure frustration because of her attitude and didn't mean it.
She has no real friends I know of apart from 2 of mine that introduced me to her, but now she is involved with other friends of mine when we go out.
She spends recklessly even when supposed to have no money (I pay 90% when we are out)
She drives pretty recklessly.
She criticises EVERYONE to me.
Thoughtless towards me and inconsiderate.
Has a on off relationship with her parents, siblings, and son. They are in turn flavour of the month then they don't speak for weeks on end.
Projects her behaviour onto me.
Disrespectful towards my feelings and our plans as I've said.
She was in a mood one morning and that night lost her phone, she never bothered to try to get a message to me to tell me, she just kept me thinking she was ignoring me for half a week, there were many ways she could have let me know.
She would be the first person on my mind that I would get a message to if I lost my phone, she had even seen two of my friends the morning after she lost it, it was as simple as to ask one of them to send me a text.
Now to me that is incredibly thoughtless and inconsiderate, she was still getting on facebook with a tablet, she could have used that.
I found out by accident that she had lost it.
People think she is so outgoing and fun as I did, and she is when she is, they have no idea what she says about them to me.
I used the term walking on eggshells and ghosting to her, she looked them up on google and now accuses me of it.
Her projection winds me up because that is what my EX BPD did, as is it feeling like I am trying to have a serious conversation with a 3 year old, getting stupid comments back, half the time nothing to do with my question.
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« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2020, 06:27:42 AM »

She's accused me of ghosting her because I haven't messaged for a couple of hours, the reason being I knew she had her nephew round so I thought she was busy.
Yet she will read my whatsapp and be active on it throughout the day and on facebook then reply to me hours and hours later and tell me she has been asleep.
I asked her if she wanted lamb or chicken because I was going to the shop for a meal I was cooking and I got a reply 3 hours later which said "just got up, got to put the washing out."
No answer to the question.
Sounds petty but when you add it all up with all the other stuff it's inconsiderate.
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« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2020, 11:41:13 AM »

At work today i had a moment when i really started to miss my ex, it happens a lot. Some good memories comes up. I have learned to control my mind when this happen and start to remind my self of all the crazy hurtful things she has done. I go to the bathroom, look my self in the mirror and repeat to my self loud over and over again the things that did hurt the most. It really helps.

Try it my friend.
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« Reply #25 on: January 17, 2020, 07:14:37 PM »

She unblocked me an hour later, I told her best thing to do is keep me blocked, she said it's a shame to  do that.
So she changed her settings instead so I can't see her profile etc.
She's asked me for a receipt for something, I don't know why......She owes me money, she must be trying to get out of paying me.
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« Reply #26 on: January 17, 2020, 07:18:57 PM »

So I'm going to do what she does...not answer.
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« Reply #27 on: January 18, 2020, 12:10:56 PM »

So...you are letting your emotions and responses be dictated by someone else. The first step is to wake up and realize only you control YOU. Never let anyone have control over your emotions, your happiness, or success. You decide what you want. You want happiness? You make it happen. You want success? You make it happen.

You seriously need to tell this person to go kick rocks and pull the plug and be done. I would not even waste my time trying to get back what you are owed or anything like that. Chalk this up as a loss and learning experience and move on. Continuing to have this person in your life or giving them a chance is just asking for more trouble and it will impede you from growing, healing, and moving on.

Seriously choose yourself and your sanity and move forward. Take some time to work on you. What I see here is that you need to work on building internal validation as opposed to external validation. Always keep in mind you attract what you project as well.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #28 on: January 18, 2020, 02:14:41 PM »

It sounds suspicious that she is on whattsapp/fb all day but tells you she was asleep.

Would you say that the petty stuff is making you weary?

When SC talks about moving on, for my own experience, it was only the continual exposure to repeated folly that eventually led me to become wiser.

When it comes to so called "small" or "petty" things, the quote - small leaks sink great ships comes to mind.

I say this in hindsight and only by three years of continual disappointments that led to weighing up time, by that point there was next to zero joy left in the r/s and only misery.

I know you say it is petty and I stand by you on that, but I cant escape that it was important enough to come here and talk about? I just have a hunch that some of this might be downplayed and there is more going on - we could talk about upset and disappointment if you feel up for it.
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« Reply #29 on: January 18, 2020, 02:33:42 PM »

It sounds suspicious that she is on whattsapp/fb all day but tells you she was asleep.

Would you say that the petty stuff is making you weary?

When SC talks about moving on, for my own experience, it was only the continual exposure to repeated folly that eventually led me to become wiser.

When it comes to so called "small" or "petty" things, the quote - small leaks sink great ships comes to mind.

I say this in hindsight and only by three years of continual disappointments that led to weighing up time, by that point there was next to zero joy left in the r/s and only misery.

I know you say it is petty and I stand by you on that, but I cant escape that it was important enough to come here and talk about? I just have a hunch that some of this might be downplayed and there is more going on - we could talk about upset and disappointment if you feel up for it.

Cromwell hits the nail on the head here. The only way you can move on is when you stop and see that the pattern keeps repeating and nothing changes. You have to be willing to change and do things differently or essentially you are following the path and definition of insanity. Think of this as a karmic relationship. Patterns, behaviors, relationships keep repeating and get put into your path until you learn the lessons that are necessary.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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