I am suicidal and desperate.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I saw my ex at an AA meeting tonight with a guy who looked around 300lbs and older than me. There were only four people in the room which was awkward beyond belief. To say I was shocked is an understatement. She is slim and beautiful. She said ‘hello’ and I mumbled hello back and immediately left the meeting. I am suicidal and desperate. I can’t bear her being with someone else. I can’t be sure he was her partner but just seeing her has destroyed me. I can’t do anymore analysis on this. If I can’t have her I don’t want to carry on living. She looked fantastic and it’s like the universe is taunting me. I’m at the end of my tether. I don’t want to go on. I left the netting and broke down in tears. A friend came to meet me and drove me around for a few hours talking. This is the worse pain I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want to live without her.

[RomanticFool]

I saw my ex at an AA meeting tonight with a guy who looked around 300lbs and older than me. There were only four people in the room which was awkward beyond belief. To say I was shocked is an understatement. She is slim and beautiful. She said ‘hello’ and I mumbled hello back and immediately left the meeting. I am suicidal and desperate. I can’t bear her being with someone else. I can’t be sure he was her partner but just seeing her has destroyed me. I can’t do anymore analysis on this. If I can’t have her I don’t want to carry on living. She looked fantastic and it’s like the universe is taunting me. I’m at the end of my tether. I don’t want to go on. I left the netting and broke down in tears. A friend came to meet me and drove me around for a few hours talking. This is the worse pain I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want to live without her.

[Skip]

Can you cab/uber to a local hospital emergency room? Don't go it alone - you have been suicidal too many days this year to not take it seriously. I nothing else, this will get you pulled forward in the therapy waiting list.

You don't know who he is or what connection they have - people bring people to AA meetings all the time. Statistically it is far more likely that than a date.

[RomanticFool]

Whoever it was she looked happy. She tried to engage me in conversation but I was just too devastated to talk. I couldn’t bear to see her with someone else. It is utterly heartbreaking. She should be with me. We belong together. Why did she contact me and not follow up? By walking out I’ve probably communicated the message that I don’t care. I just want her to ring me. Does walking out seem a strong or hostile thing to do? I want her so badly.

[confusedbybdp]

 

I am just now learning your story, RF, and it will take me some time to get a fuller understanding.  But, I wanted to reach out to let you know that we are listening and are in your corner.  

There is no harm in seeking someone professional to speak with regarding suicidal thoughts.  Most of us have had them at one time or another, triggered by these abusive relationships, and the difficulty recovering from them and moving on with our lives.  A doctor, the hospital, a trusted friend...but reach out to bring some light into the darkness.

It may sound trivial to say this but NO ONE in the entire world should hold the key to our happiness and sense of worth and value.  That must come from within.  People with BPD have an uncanny ability to make us feel so enmeshed and intertwined with them that we begin to feel untethered without them.  My friend, I don't think you would find a single one of us who doesn't know how this feels.  Suddenly untethered, after our entire lives have been used by our exs to support their needs, and only their needs.  

If there is some good that will come of this it will be found in your reclaiming the power that was taken from you.  You can and will stand strong again.

[Skip]

Don't contact her tonight - you're not in a good state of mind. You bot have blocked anc unblocked each other so many times, who knows what is getting through. The one thing you do know is they are not being reciprocated and that is upsetting.

As we have discussed before, you appear to have depression and fear of abandonment wounds which are kicking your emotion wound in high gear. You need professional help, tonight.

I know its late. Where can you go? What is the closest ED?

By walking out I’ve probably communicated the message that I don’t care.

Your last few communications have been love notes - she knows.
She is blocked and told not to contact you, so she likely won't.
She may have come to tell you something... you might want to wait to see what really happened tonight.

[oletimefeelin]

Whoever it was she looked happy.

You have to know that she is adept at "looking happy".  Think back to all the times you "looked happy" together only to descend into chaos behind closed doors.  Try to remind yourself of these times.  It's any port in a storm for her.  You have to know that.

Detaching from a borderline is very similar to the addictive process.  You have a choice here.  Don't take the long way home passed the liquor store. 

[RomanticFool]

Don't contact her tonight - you're not in a good state of mind  - that will make you feel worse tomorrow.

This would upset anyone. You have depression and fear of abandonment which is kicking the emotion wound in high gear. You need professional help tonight.

I know its late. Where can you go? What is the closest ED?
Your last few communications have been love notes - she knows.
She is blocked and told not to contact you, so she likely won't.
She may have come to tell you something... you might want to wait to see what really happened tonight.

Thank you for your concern. I didn't contact her. I went to the A&E but there was such a long wait I came back home as I was exhausted. I haven't been sleeping very well. My wife has been with her new partner alot over the last few weeks. The way my life is changing is making my head spin. I'll make an appointment to see my doctor today.

It was such a shock seeing my ex - let alone seeing her with someone else. Through all her smiles I remembered that this is a woman who blocked me on WhatsApp four months ago after a wonderful holiday together. I cannot bear the pain of how she has hurt me. I must have appeared surly and angry to her as I was monsyllabic and mocking in my tone to her. Unless she was triggered there is no way she will contact me. After seeing her with another man what would I say to her? She wouldn't reply anyway. She must have known how hurt I was and hasn't contacted me. So I have no choice but to stay away from her. She will have her Christmas plans in place and if this is her new beau then she will see me as a threat now.

I don't think she wants to tell me anything - she has no idea I go to that meeting - it wasn't one of our regular meetings. She will either think me rude and aggressive confirming what she already thinks or...I don't know what. If she was upset in any way by seeing me walk out she would have contacted me last night. She was never one to shy away from saying what's on her mind. The sad fact is she doesn't care and is done with me while I am left with all this love in my heart. It is driving me nuts. Can't believe she would end up with an old fat guy after being with somebody she was so attracted to - mind you she did stop the sex between us, so maybe she went off me. Who knows? All I know is this pain is unbearable.

It may sound trivial to say this but NO ONE in the entire world should hold the key to our happiness and sense of worth and value.  That must come from within.  People with BPD have an uncanny ability to make us feel so enmeshed and intertwined with them that we begin to feel untethered without them.  My friend, I don't think you would find a single one of us who doesn't know how this feels.  Suddenly untethered, after our entire lives have been used by our exs to support their needs, and only their needs.  

If there is some good that will come of this it will be found in your reclaiming the power that was taken from you.  You can and will stand strong again

Thank you. At the moment it just hurts so much.

You have to know that she is adept at "looking happy".  Think back to all the times you "looked happy" together only to descend into chaos behind closed doors.  Try to remind yourself of these times.  It's any port in a storm for her.  You have to know that.

Detaching from a borderline is very similar to the addictive process.  You have a choice here.  Don't take the long way home passed the liquor store.

I am in agony. She looked like she'd been buying new clothes and was well kept. She seemed happy, light and confident. Clearly talking to me while with another man seemed to empower her - which is exactly why I walked out. I've lost her to a 300lb rich guy most likely.

Any port in a storm is right. I should have chased her after the holiday. She was waiting for me to come and get her but I was too emotionally beaten up and I was doing the play. I put her off seeing it initially and by the time I invited her it was too late. I've lost her.

[Longterm]

That must of been quite a shock and I can understand how this can completely scramble your brains.

It's important that you concentrate on self care at the moment and what you need to centre yourself. Have you been to A&E? If not, dont forget there is walk in centres, not to mention your GP. Phone your local surgery and let them know you are suicidal, they will likely offer you an emergency appointment, they will open in the next hour.

LT.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks for your advice. I feel like I need to contact my ex but I know she most likely won’t reply. Not sure what to do.

[Longterm]

I wouldn't contact right now, it's something you can discuss on the board another time, best to think about your needs at present.

It may be an idea to think about your plans today, self care etc. Do you have friends/family who could accompany you to the hospital/GP? And who you could spend time with? Theres no shame in reaching out when in need.

LT.

[RomanticFool]

I’m seeing friends. My family aren’t interested as one of my sister’s is bereaved and my dad has just spent three weeks in hospital with Myeloma and this may be his last Christmas. I told them I was feeling suicidal and my bereaved sister wouldn’t talk about it, my other sister gave me a lecture and my brother went silent.

[Harri]

Hi.

How are you today?  I too can understand how something like this can through you off so much and I am sorry you are struggling.

Can you please go to the A&E again?  Even just to talk with someone?

[RomanticFool]

Hi Harri,

It’s been one of the hardest 24 hours of my life. I spoke to a counselling service today and they will see me in January. I feel emotional obliteration and annihilation. I have written my ex three emails which are essentially love emails but also apologising for my part in the stress. I know it’s the last time I’ll ever write to her. I know the r/s is over now. I also sent her five photos of us on holiday and in the Park. I’ve quoted some things that she said at the beginning of the r/s and reiterated my own strong love for her. I’ve suggested that if she still loves me and is in denial she is going to end up unhappy. I know this is an act of futility but I did it anyway. I’m still shocked by seeing her and what I took to be her choice of new partner. I am going to delete all photos and have already deleted emails. It’s time to move on or it will kill me. I was very close to self harm last night and now it’s time to heal.

[Harri]

Hi. 

I am glad you will have counseling in January.  I think you need more support in the time leading up to that though.  Will you call your doctor and see what they can recommend?  Perhaps try medication?   You need to get through this short term crisis and begin to think long term recovery and stability. 

Keep talking here too. 

[RomanticFool]

Hi Harri,

I am glad you will have counselling in January.  I think you need more support in the time leading up to that though.  Will you call your doctor and see what they can recommend?  Perhaps try medication?   You need to get through this short term crisis and begin to think long term recovery and stability.

Keep talking here too.

I'll call my doctor on Monday and see if I can get in to see them. My ex never responded to the three emails I sent her today and I feel like my walk out last night has now been nullified by contacting her yet again.

I feel like the level of my emotional response indicates that there is something else going on than just grief. The abandonment reaction is so extreme that I cannot self soothe and as I'm a non drinker I can't self medicate. I find my powerlessness around my ex the most galling thing, I am desperate to hold her and make love to her. Seeing her last night was so painful as I just wanted to kiss her and hold her. It is the worst pain I've ever felt.

That said, I went to a SLAA meeting tonight and it has been suggested to me that the emotional extremity of my reaction could well be a borderline trait. I suppose in this day and age of awareness of the both NPD and BPD as an addict I would inevitably be on the spectrum, though I think possibly down the lower end. I feel like my ex's constant cutting me off WhatsApp and lack of empathy towards me must also be indicative of disorder. Skip suggested that her cutting me off is simply NC and not unusual but I disagree. It was done to punish and make me chase.

In the cold light of day, I don't know whether the guy she was with is her boyfriend but even if he wasn't she must be with someone else or she would respond to my emails. I have a feeling that she may also have cut me off email after my last few messages. I'm not even sure she is getting them. Her attempts to talk to me last night made me upset because she has me blocked on the phone and WhatsApp and so I denied her the satisfaction of making even the most brief pleasantries. I have to face facts that she doesn't want me and now I must leave her alone.

Pain pain pain pain pain.

[RomanticFool]

Looking back at my last relationship, I’m trying to figure out what I could have done to ensure a better outcome. I could have left my marriage last year. Even my wife said to me this morning that I should have. Staying in and having an affair caused me so much pain as I really wanted to be with my ex. This is what is haunting me now. Regret that I didn’t leave. I’ll never know whether it would have worked better had I left. However, this is tempered by the fact I did feel I was walking on eggshells with my ex much of the time and she was convinced that ‘we don’t argue well.’ Had I rented my flat out and moved in with her, this feeling would have intensified. I’m so messed up and confused. I just really want her back to give it a shot. Can’t stand that she’s gone from my life. She didn’t reply to my emails. It’s all so painful. Perhaps if I’d just answered her question last week about Netflix she would have been encouraged to come towards me more - I just can’t bear that I’ve lost her. - but I couldn’t just pretend that all is well after what’s happened between us. I can’t do that hypocrisy when she has hurt me so much.

[RomanticFool]

The women you are attracted to are "unboundaried" and "passionate" (to use your terms). Women who "put it all out there" easily. The are impulsive, risk takers, volatile. These relationships will always be difficult and require a lot of "survival skills".

I really wish I had those skills. When all is said and done she is now sharing her life with somebody who probably isn't as reactive and volatile as me and she is probably exactly the same. I feel like a rejected failure. I almost can't bear it. The woman who has been chasing me is also suffering at my setting boundaries as I didn't want to spiral into another relationship. I didn't think it fair to her or me. Right about now I'm feeling like that option is all I have to take the pain away. It won't take it away completely because she isn't my ex, but this agony I'm in is exhausting and relentless.

Why don't you just leave people like this?  My observation in reading your posts of two years is the more they put you down, the more you want them.

I didn't leave my ex because I adored her. I wanted her before she started putting me down, I just didn't know how to deal with her anger towards me. What usually happens with me is that I'm good at setting boundaries in the beginning but when my ex started pushing harder and then went into all out war by cutting me off WhatsApp, I then chase. I think if I had left my marriage in those early days, which would have been impulsive and rash, it would have been a better r/s initially. However, I doubt whether I'd have survived at close quarters with her. But God I miss her.

I am resisting the urge to email her even more and tell her I can't live without her. Stupid I know but that's how I feel. Seeing her on Thursday has really hurt me. I sent her three emails yesterday and predictably she hasn't responded to any of them. I have well and truly lost her. I think walking out of the meeting was not even a good idea as she did try and say hello, I was just in such a bad place.

[Skip]

Romantic fool, at times like this it is really important to rely on others that you trust to guide you past these extreme hurts you're feel when faced with romantic conflict or rejection.

If you do things differently, and look at things differently, you might be able to cope better. Nothing healthy is going to make the hurt go away. It hurts to lose someone you love.

I really wish I had those skills. When all is said and done she is now sharing her life with somebody who probably isn't as reactive and volatile as me and she is probably exactly the same. I feel like a rejected failure.

There are many attractive women - and there are many sexual attractions - but when you get to know someone, they may not be compatible partners. You two are not compatible - the physical attraction is there - but you have struggled as a couple every week since week three. She is still attractive. You are still attractive. But you don't get along together.

It doesn't help you to keep telling yourself that it is all her or mostly her. You two have struggled since week 4 of the relationship.

The woman (SLAA) who has been chasing me is also suffering at my setting boundaries as I didn't want to spiral into another relationship. I didn't think it fair to her or me. Right about now I'm feeling like that option is all I have to take the pain away.

This is what you always do when a relationship failed... dive into another questionable relationship circumstance. First it was a married women with apparent issues, then a women in AA one month sober with apparent issues.

Considered a women from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous with apparent issues is not a wise choice..  

I am resisting the urge to email her even more and tell her I can't live without her. Stupid I know but that's how I feel.  

Will this be the eighth love note that has gone unresponded to? Are you thinking that doing this will resuscitate your relationship?

If you want to talk to her, wait a few days and send her a note and ask to meet for coffee, promise her "nothing heavy". Let her feel safe. If she says "no thanks", then you have your answer.

But before you do that, will you ask your SLAA friends what they think?  Is it love or addiction that is driving you right now? It's important to separate the two.

[RomanticFool]

There are many attractive women - and there are many sexual attractions - but when you get to know someone, they may not be compatible partners. You two are not compatible - the physical attraction is there - but you have struggled as a couple every week since week three. She is still attractive. You are still attractive. But you don't get along together.

We were compatible, that's what is driving me nuts. At the beginning of the r/s we got on perfectly.

I have to tell you that it's also not helpful ignoring the issues I was dealing with. If you want me to look at the way I dealt with her you have to stop telling me that I'm mostly blaming her. Please understand that I have never met a woman so volatile in all my life. I didn't know how to handle that. I can't have a meaningful conversation about the dynamic if you refuse to accept that her volatility was a huge reason the r/s went wrong. I have given you a thousand examples of this and it's not helping me getting into this debate about whether I was worse than her or she was worse than me. That is exactly the arguments I used to have with her.

You have to accept the fact that I found her aggressive. That isn't to do with blame, it's a simple fact. You must also accept the fact that every time we went out somewhere there was a problem. Right at the very beginning of the relationship I went to dinner with her and her friend who was eight months pregnant. My ex stormed out of the restaurant because I was getting on so well with her pregnant friend. I asked her what the problem was and she didn't want to say. Eventually, after we dropped her friend off, she admitted she was jealous. I was able to reassure her and we both laughed at the absurdity of the situation. She saw the funny side of it because it was in the early stages. I was constantly at great pains to tell her I loved her.

It might surprise you to hear that I know exactly where I went wrong. You don't need to keep reminding me that I had a big part to play in it, of course I know that. I have the suicidal ideation as proof of that. Neither do I feel like a victim. I am now going to attempt to outline the issues as I see them with more clarity:

I told my wife tonight that the reason I backtracked on leaving the marriage was because I was torn between hurting her and following my heart's desire. She told me tonight that I should have been honest and left the marriage at that point. She also said that the trip we went on to Italy is tainted for her and she asked me why I went on that trip with her when I wanted my ex. I told her because I didn't want her to go alone.

Now I just want to add something else to the conversation here. Last night at a SLAA meeting I shared about the 'emotional annihilation' that I now feel over my ex. A woman shared back with me later that the extremity of the emotion I was describing sounds like borderline. Now, I don't know if I have BPD but I do know this, my emotions feel as if they have the volume turned up to 1,000 when I'm in stressful situations of the heart.

Now going back to when my affair began; I knew I was in a nightmare scenario. I had fallen in love with somebody who appeared to be my dream woman and yet I knew there were issues with her. When I told her that breaking up from my wife was going to be difficult she said, 'You won't be upset for long will you?' One thing about my ex I observed is that she couldn't deal with me having any emotional upset and often reacted strangely to it. So that and the fact that she invited me to stay at her house and then mentioned money immediately concerned me. Not that I didn't want to pay her anything, but the break up of my marriage was always going to incur financial issues and I knew I would need a partner to be supportive and understanding about emotions and finances. I instinctively felt that my ex was not going to be the rock I would need. Now before you say that I'm blaming my ex or being selfish, all I'm reporting here is what was in my mind at the time. I had alot to lose and I knew it. Nevertheless, I was desperate to be with my ex - but I lacked courage after seeing my wife cry.

So I acknowledge that the backtracking over my marriage was a source of mistrust for my ex. I understand that and I also understand that her insecurities were no doubt increased in this situation. However, I told her constantly that we would be together. She accepted it in the beginning and then laster started to apply more pressure. It is very hard to write this because the times she grabbed my leg and begged me not to go home and spend the night with her. The times she asked for reassurance about my love for her. I was always telling her i loved her. She said it back to me as well.

Unfortunately she was extremely challenging also. Her daughter's opinion of me was very important to her and her daughter saw that I made her mother happy and liked us together. However, my ex was also calling me a narcissist on a daily basis because I told her that addiction was essentially a narcissistic trait, and she also said that I was cheating on my wife and must therefore be a liar. As the r/s progressed I reassured her around all of this stuff, but she kept reiterating these things when she was upset with me. She warned me that the r/s would become toxic if I didn't leave. When I asked her to stop calling me a liar and a narcissist she would often get in my face and be angry. I warned her that if she kept it up I would leave her flat. She did keep it up and I did leave. That was the start of the spiral of abuse we got into. When I left she would ring me hysterical and i would invariably go back and calm her down. Then she started accusing me of using her for sex and I became indignant about that and challenged her.

Now I know that of course I should have left my marriage. I know that when she was insecure around sex I should have reassured her even more than I already did. However, her distress around me setting a boundary about her not getting in my face triggered her abandonment issues and then she became violent. That was the dynamic between us. Unfortunately her insecurities heightened and she then started hitting me if I walked out of the flat.

I'm too tired to finish this discussion right now...

[Harri]

Hi RF. 

I am glad you will be calling your doctor and are reaching out to your SLAA group. 

When we talk about focusing on you and your part in the relationship, we do so because that (your part) is the only thing you can change.  It is not about making you feel bad.  It is about helping you make changes so you can have the kind of relationship you want.  Does that make sense?  Can you see how going back over all the hurtful things your ex did in the relationship is keeping you stuck and is contributing to you repeating patterns that have not served you well?   That is what needs to be broken here, that tie or compulsion that keeps you repeating the hurts over and over in your mind and the reactions you have that cause you to repeat behaviors that are just not working well for you.   It is hard and difficult to do all of this we know this.  We also know it is possible to do it and you are capable if you are willing to change things around and try new ways.

You've been trying your way for a long time and it is not working that well.  Why not try some of the things we offer here?  Take a leap with us.  Plenty of others have and have much better and happier lives to show for it.

 

[RomanticFool]

ou've been trying your way for a long time and it is not working that well.  Why not try some of the things we offer here?  Take a leap with us.  Plenty of others have and have much better and happier lives to show for it.

I'm on here and in SLAA. That's not doing things my way.

[RomanticFool]

I tried to get practical advice on here when I was seeing my ex. Everything became about my marriage. Well I’m out of the marriage now and I’m still no wiser about how to handle a woman like my ex. All I’m told is that it’s me and my behaviour and that everything she does is understandable. Dealing with my ex required specific practical help and I kept asking about the nature of a BPD woman not as a blame thing so much as trying to find a way of dealing with her. Now both relationships have gone up in smoke as predicted and I can’t help feeling if I’d known how to deal with each specific situation rather than being lectured constantly about my marriage and morality I’d have been able to soothe my ex until the marriage was over. I came on here for practical advice. I ended up being vilified for being married. Now of course everything has changed. I don’t have the woman and my motivation to look at myself is very low since I’ve lost the love of my life. What’s the point? I don’t want another r/s if I can’t have her.

[RomanticFool]

I can't believe how much I miss my ex tonight. She is with her new man without a thought for me. I am happy my wife is with her new love and happy, but my ex has emotionally annihilated me. If I wasn't with my bereaved sister I'd kill myself tonight. So tired of living life without real love. If I ever manage to move on from this agony I’m feeling, I would like to get to the point where I feel utterly indifferent. That is the only way I can exorcise her from my soul. I don’t want to live in this world feeling this bad. Wish I could drink to numb the pain.

[Teddy007]

I have the same problem. I was so weak and stupid that i wrote her a message "marry xmas... was not lost last year", she did not answer... We had christmas at our place, made food and decorated the xmas tree.

And this xmas she is with him, and our place/ my place is dark and empty. It has by far been to worse xmas of my life. I went to my family for dinner, just wanted to get out of there. And then i went and got some wine to numb the pain.

I am in agony, this nightmare is just to much. I feel like i am going to die!

[RomanticFool]

Try not to drink. This too shall pass. If these women behave with such disdain for our love, then they don't deserve it. We have to believe that there are better options out there for 2020

[BrokenSpokane]

I am suicidal and desperate. I can’t bear her being with someone else. I can’t be sure he was her partner but just seeing her has destroyed me. I can’t do anymore analysis on this. If I can’t have her I don’t want to carry on living.

This is the worse pain I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want to live without her.

I hear you. I have felt the exact same way. The connection I felt with my exBPD is very intense. I was suicidal during the relationship and I'm the last 3 months of NC I've been suicidal several more times.

My friends, family and therapist have been my life lines. Writing, reading, talking about the relationship and my Caretaker role has helped me heal.

I don't ever want to see or hear her voice ever again, but I think about her every day. It's weird. But as my therapist points out, everything she did was about manipulation. I've been programmed, conditioned a certain way. Then all of a sudden it was gone. So I feel like I need her back, like a drug.

Every day I think about something different when I think about her. I make my mind switch topics.

I know the intense feeling. It will fade with time. I try and keep busy and focus on the things that make ME happy.

You're not alone.