Vent: Trying to find a therapist who gets PD

[BlackArmoire]

I guess this is a small vent / question / advice.

Currently, I live in a locale where it's very Christian/conservative and pro-parent, so finding a new therapist who understands about parent personality disorders has been extremely challenging.  The last T basically told me that "borderline personality disorder" is "overused" and one before that didn't really want to discuss my parents, even when I did.  I've seen Ts before and have had a very good experience; it was one of them who specifically suggested that my mother has borderline/narcissistic tendencies and encouraged me to grow beyond what I was taught.  (Side note: although I use uBPDm specifically for BPD, my mother actually has been diagnosed as a Cluster B by professionals who evaluated her in the past and independently of anyone else, including me.).

I'm frustrated because I want to better myself and grow.  I don't want to be in FOG or feel obligated to a screwed up FOO.  But I'm not going to do that with a therapist who refuses to understand that there's a very good reason why I'm NC with my parents.  I didn't frigging "Dr. Google" this.  At least two licensed professionals made that judgment after talking to her.

Has anyone gone through this?  How did you find a T that actually listened and didn't buy into the Norman Rockwell crap?

Thanks in advance.

[Harri]

Hi.

I did not have the issue of T's buying into the whole Mother Myth but I did run into problems finding T's who understood or at least accepted a different issue.

The only way i know to find someone is to be direct on the first visit and then watch for their reaction.  Facial expression, if they all of a sudden get tense and pull back or their face goes blank, things like that.  Plus I listened to their words as well.  Sometimes you will see a reaction that when coupled with their wordes, it makes sense and is okay.

It has been a couple of days.  Have you continued your search?

[TelHill]

Hello BlackArmoire & welcome!  

I am in a very liberal area with many therapists with many definitions of family. I have trouble finding a therapist who understands the issues I have being raised by a diagnosed bpd mother, too.  I have been upfront as Harri wisely suggests.  In 25 years of off and on searching, my success has been limited.  

Dealing with Cluster B disordered clients may be a nails across the chalkboard experience for many therapists. It's really difficult to keep them in therapy. It's also a hard uphill climb to deal with them, as we directly know. I am guessing since they don't treat bpd clients much, they may not know how distressing it is to be around one for years. I could be wrong. I am still seeking one after taking a long break. 

Here is a great list of interview questions (ignore the sw e ar words - some members aren't having their best day sometimes) to ask a therapist for from a Reddit subgroup called raisedbyborderlines.  I hope that helps and hope your search goes well!

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/57obfg/interviewing_a_potential_therapist/

 

[TelHill]

Hi,

I wanted to note Reddit users skew very young. I do not post there for that reason. I found their guide to finding a therapist very sensible.

Good luck in your search, Black Armoire!

[Methuen]

Hi BlackArmoire
I had one T who frustrated me after the first visit.  When he frustrated me again after the second visit, I sought a new T.  The second one was helpful for about a year, but I knew she had reached her limit when she recommended I seek a referral to a psychiatrist because she didn't do DBT or CBT.  So then I sought a new T again, and I now have a clinical counsellor who I think is absolutely awesome.  She is helping H and I navigate a relationship with my uBPD mom in a way no previous counsellor has done.  

I'm frustrated because I want to better myself and grow.  I don't want to be in FOG or feel obligated to a screwed up FOO.  But I'm not going to do that with a therapist who refuses to understand that there's a very good reason why I'm NC with my parents.

My suggestion is to follow your gut instinct.  If it doesn't feel right, seek a different T until it does feel right.  You'll know when you've found that person.  Even though you live in an area that is very conservative, there is hopefully a T who has knowledge and expertise and professionalism to support you.  Keep looking!

Although it's different than the experience you described, I recently had my mom's case worker (a registered nurse) essentially blame me for my relationship with my mother.  It felt horrible.  I think it's worth it to keep searching for the right match for you, not just because it's a service being payed for, but also because you are looking for that personal growth.

BTW, I requested a meeting with that case worker, and she suggested an elderly services consultant attend the meeting, which I agreed to.  As it turns out, the elderly services consultant knew her stuff, and "got it" with regards to BPD!  At the end of that meeting, the case worker admitted she "didn't understand" the issues with BPD.  I live in a small town of about 12,000 people, which is 600 miles from the largest city of 75,000 people.

Knowledgeable experts do exist.  We just have to be persistent to find them sometimes.  

[TelHill]

Although it's different than the experience you described, I recently had my mom's case worker (a registered nurse) essentially blame me for my relationship with my mother.  It felt horrible.  I think it's worth it to keep searching for the right match for you, not just because it's a service being payed for, but also because you are looking for that personal growth.

BTW, I requested a meeting with that case worker, and she suggested an elderly services consultant attend the meeting, which I agreed to.  As it turns out, the elderly services consultant knew her stuff, and "got it" with regards to BPD!  At the end of that meeting, the case worker admitted she "didn't understand" the issues with BPD.  I live in a small town of about 12,000 people, which is 600 miles from the largest city of 75,000 people.

Knowledgeable experts do exist.  We just have to be persistent to find them sometimes.  

Methuen,
 
Í'm so happy you received a second opinion after the not-so-with-it case worker. 

I know many here, including myself, have had the same hurtful experience of not being believed/made to feel like we are lying. I live in a large metro area, and I am having a lot of problems finding someone who knows how to deal with a child of a Cluster B disordered parent. I don't plan on giving up though.

[Llcs]

Have you checked Psychology today and see who selects Personality Disorder, DBT adherent or DBT informed?  Many therapists are not comfortable with BPD so they might not select this arbitrarily. 
Now a days more therapists are doing Telehealth and you might find a DBT informed therapist that way.
If not them, they may know therapists in your area who get it.

[Methuen]

Thanks Telhill for your words of support.  That means a lot to me.  

I guess I added that piece into my post as encouragement for others who don't have full confidence in their T.  I live in a small town 600 miles from the largest city of 75,000, so if I can find a good T, I'm hoping that others who read that feel encouraged to keep trying to find a T that is a good match for them.

That's a great out-of-the-box idea Llcs, for anyone who can't find a T in their area, as it provides an option of a T who is both knowledgeable and supportive of BPD family members.  

Many therapists are not comfortable with BPD so they might not select this arbitrarily.

As an aside to your great out-of-the-box idea, I once had a T who told me she knew T's who refused to treat BPD patients.  She stated that she herself would not counsel a BPD with the door closed, but always left it open.  I was surprised ("confidentiality" anyone?).  Meanwhile, here we all are trying to eke out a daily life in our chaos and difficult relationships with our BPD loved ones.  When I asked her why not, she said a few things, but what really stuck with me was that BP's would tell lies and acuse their T of things that didn't happen, so many of them just chose not to deal with the BP's because it was just too difficult, and often unsuccessful.

Huh.

So keep hunting everyone.  I live in a small town and eventually found a T who is truly excellent.  Hoping she doesn't decide to move anytime soon.  

[TelHill]

Thanks Telhill for your words of support.  That means a lot to me.  

I guess I added that piece into my post as encouragement for others who don't have full confidence in their T.  I live in a small town 600 miles from the largest city of 75,000, so if I can find a good T, I'm hoping that others who read that feel encouraged to keep trying to find a T that is a good match for them.

That's a great out-of-the-box idea Llcs, for anyone who can't find a T in their area, as it provides an option of a T who is both knowledgeable and supportive of BPD family members.  

As an aside to your great out-of-the-box idea, I once had a T who told me she knew T's who refused to treat BPD patients.  She stated that she herself would not counsel a BPD with the door closed, but always left it open.  I was surprised ("confidentiality" anyone?).  Meanwhile, here we all are trying to eke out a daily life in our chaos and difficult relationships with our BPD loved ones.  When I asked her why not, she said a few things, but what really stuck with me was that BP's would tell lies and acuse their T of things that didn't happen, so many of them just chose not to deal with the BP's because it was just too difficult, and often unsuccessful.

Huh.

So keep hunting everyone.  I live in a small town and eventually found a T who is truly excellent.  Hoping she doesn't decide to move anytime soon.  

You are welcome, Methuen!  I live in a metro area of over 7 million.  I've lived in the city of the metro area for a long time and my parents are in a sleepy, very quiet suburb tht has a population of 75k.

I am not surprised by Ts who refuse to treat BPD patients. I have had barely any callbacks from Ts. I tell them my mom has bpd but I do not. I don't think they believe I don't.

My area has low unemployment; Ts can be choosy. The few who have returned calls don't do short phone interviews. They want to see me for the whole hour. That's at least $250 a visit. My insurance covers 70% of it but I can't help but think of it as a money grab. It's happened with the few I've seen. I've felt robbed.

I have some ideas, but they are quite expensive. I'll see what I can do financially.

[Methuen]

Hi Telhill,

I see your point about metro areas and T's being able to be choosy.

Ts can be choosy. The few who have returned calls don't do short phone interviews. They want to see me for the whole hour. That's at least $250 a visit. My insurance covers 70% of it but I can't help but think of it as a money grab. It's happened with the few I've seen. I've felt robbed.

I'm so sorry Telhill, that this has been your experience.  Living in what some people call "the middle of nowhere" (we actually call it paradise with clean water, clean air, and beautiful nature all around us), I always think that metro areas have all the services anyone could want for.  But as you pointed out, they too have their own set of problems when it comes to accessing the services we all deserve (quality T's and mental health services). 

I sincerely hope you can find a T who is a good fit for you. 

In the meantime, sometimes support can come from the places we least expect it, and when we are not looking.  I hope it comes to you sooner, rather than later.