Christmas Shopping

[Imatter33]

I just felt like Santa tonight. So cheerful and giddy for the holidays. And then a pang of sadness enters me about not seeing mom, not buying her a gift . Barely even being in her life this year. A pang that makes me lose my breath figuratively.I am going to break down. I’m tired of being strong.

Two thoughts: One: I’m doing what I think is right.
                           Two: I want more recognition from my husband about the level of sadness I feel.

But I just don’t want to talk about it. I guess I just want him to give me a long understanding hug and let me cry. But I think he gets angry all over again. Angry that I’m in pain. Angry that he also feels the impact.
Angry that I still am so full of sadness.
Angry that he can’t take it away.


Ok, so he knows I post here. He just asked what I was thinking about and it all came out. I got my hug. It could have been a little longer and tighter but anyways) 

And then i admitted I just want her. And we both talked about how it this were a “typical” Xmas she would be rage texting, and making the holidays pretty miserable.

I asked, “ do you remember the good things about her?”
His reply, yes but I won’t.
I asked, how come you made that choice?
His reply, I won’t let anything thAt brings misery and upsetness in my life.”
...

And I wonder who my sister gets? Does she get baking cookies mom or drama mom?
I’m upset that my mom may be putting on an act (victim of me) for my other siblings and I just want some validation from them that they see through it. That they love and support me.

I’m not going to get that for Xmas.
In fact I may just get subtle or obvious rebuttals, while trying to give them “Christmas gifts”

I’m all over the place.

[Choosinghope]

Imatter33,
This is my first year without my mom in my life, and I feel everything you're feeling. My husband sounds just like yours--unwilling to see me be hurt again and unwilling to see the good sides of my mom. I've been sitting here staring at the Christmas card I got for my parents that I still haven't sent. I showed my husband last night, and he said, "Oh, she'll just throw it away. Don't bother." What hurts is that it's true. But, I still feel the urge to send it, to show that I still care even in the midst of the painful drama. I also feel your wondering about the rest of the family. What side of her will they be encountering as they go home for Christmas? Will they hear all about how terrible I am and be WOE, or will they just have a lovely time and then go home, wondering about why I'm ruining things? Plainly put, it sucks, but I can relate. What has kept me from completely falling apart as we near Christmas is the fact that I am warm, happy, safe, and very in love with my husband, and my mom can never take that away. Maybe just ask your husband for another long hug tonight and eat some chocolate  Hugs for you 

[kiwigal]

I just felt like Santa tonight. So cheerful and giddy for the holidays. And then a pang of sadness enters me about not seeing mom, not buying her a gift . Barely even being in her life this year. A pang that makes me lose my breath figuratively.I am going to break down. I’m tired of being strong.

Two thoughts: One: I’m doing what I think is right.
                           Two: I want more recognition from my husband about the level of sadness I feel.

But I just don’t want to talk about it. I guess I just want him to give me a long understanding hug and let me cry. But I think he gets angry all over again. Angry that I’m in pain. Angry that he also feels the impact.
Angry that I still am so full of sadness.
Angry that he can’t take it away.


Ok, so he knows I post here. He just asked what I was thinking about and it all came out. I got my hug. It could have been a little longer and tighter but anyways) 

And then i admitted I just want her. And we both talked about how it this were a “typical” Xmas she would be rage texting, and making the holidays pretty miserable.

I asked, “ do you remember the good things about her?”
His reply, yes but I won’t.
I asked, how come you made that choice?
His reply, I won’t let anything thAt brings misery and upsetness in my life.”
...

And I wonder who my sister gets? Does she get baking cookies mom or drama mom?
I’m upset that my mom may be putting on an act (victim of me) for my other siblings and I just want some validation from them that they see through it. That they love and support me.

I’m not going to get that for Xmas.
In fact I may just get subtle or obvious rebuttals, while trying to give them “Christmas gifts”

I’m all over the place.

That would all be so so so painful. What a huge grief to carry! I am so sorry Truly am.  It's such a heartache to be disconnected and alienated from family. That is traumatic. What a sweet guy you have too, to get it for you. What would it be like to write yourself a letter, as a third person, and validate your story and experience?

[kiwigal]

Imatter33,
This is my first year without my mom in my life, and I feel everything you're feeling. My husband sounds just like yours--unwilling to see me be hurt again and unwilling to see the good sides of my mom. I've been sitting here staring at the Christmas card I got for my parents that I still haven't sent. I showed my husband last night, and he said, "Oh, she'll just throw it away. Don't bother." What hurts is that it's true. But, I still feel the urge to send it, to show that I still care even in the midst of the painful drama. I also feel your wondering about the rest of the family. What side of her will they be encountering as they go home for Christmas? Will they hear all about how terrible I am and be WOE, or will they just have a lovely time and then go home, wondering about why I'm ruining things? Plainly put, it sucks, but I can relate. What has kept me from completely falling apart as we near Christmas is the fact that I am warm, happy, safe, and very in love with my husband, and my mom can never take that away. Maybe just ask your husband for another long hug tonight and eat some chocolate  Hugs for you 

Awww huge hugs. I just truly get how painful it is to go through that.. especially at this time of the year. It's almost an invisible grief, disenfranchised, because there is an expectation that because you have boundaries, you won't have feelings of grief and remorse. But sometimes those boundaries hurt YOU more than anyone else and create such a deep sense of sorrow. I validate that place for you and celebrate with you the LOVE you have in a beautiful caring husband who creates healing and comfort for you.