Lying to my BPD Mother

[FourNeedHelp]

My children and I have learned that lying allows us to avoid conflict with our BPD mother/grandmother.  This helps us and it also helps her avoid her "big feelings" over things she has no control over.  However, it also puts her at an unfair disadvantage in that she cannot fully understand why we are making certain decisions or behaving in certain ways. Plus, if the lie is uncovered, its worse. If I try to explain by saying something like, "he didn't tell you about his trip because he was afraid of how you would respond" then she vehemently denies she would ever say anything negative. This, of course escalates into an emotionally unpleasant conversation, typically around how I never wanted him to be close to her anyway, I'm just jealous of their relationship, i.e. my fault not hers. Complete denial or lack of self awareness.  If I lie and say "oh he forgot he was going on the trip until the last minute which is why he didn't mention it when he saw you earlier this week", she thinks he is irresponsible.  So it feels like a lose/lose.  Any advice or thoughts?

[zachira]

It can feel terrible to lie to a mother/grandmother with BPD and not share with her things most children/grandchildren would under normal circumstances feel comfortable sharing. It sounds like you and other family members have no choice. You are protecting your mother and, you and your children,  from the upsetting unreasonable behaviors of your mother with BPD. I was raised by a mother with BPD and have several family members with BPD. I have learned that I can be myself with my friends, and it is best for both my wellbeing and the family members with BPD to limit what I share with them, as it only seems to cause them to get upset in ways that do not benefit anyone. I am wondering if you feel sad about not being able to be more transparent with your mother. It  can sometimes feel uncomfortable to lie and/or omit information while at the same time most of us with a mother/grandmother with BPD would like to have a close caring relationship with her. It is a life time loss to not be seen by a mother/grandmother with BP, to not be appreciated and loved for who we are. What are some of the things you would like to share with your mother if it were safe to do so?

[FourNeedHelp]

I gave up trying to visualize a caring open relationship with my mother decades ago. I just wish I could tell her the truth without fear of her emotional reaction and attacks.  I get that they are fear-based and that she cannot control how she "feels".  Knowing this intellectually helps, but it does not make it any easier to experience.  The important truths being withheld currently have to do with her grandson's plans for his upcoming Peace Corp assignment, the fact that her granddaughter has no interest in her (because of her BP behavior) and that at the very time she legitimately needs more help (she is elderly), my husband and I as empty nesters intend to travel more frequently and longer.  We have the resources to provide care for her, but as you know, BP's don't really want care from outsiders.  She fears abandonment, and as you can see, she IS being abandoned in a way. Its normal life for most people (children, grandchildren grow up and leave home), but for her its intensely personal.