PWBPD flirting

[Wwwhre]

hey all,
I'll try and keep this short. My partner has bipolar, BPD, ADHD and ODD. He has only recently been diagnosed with Bipolar and ODD while in a psychiatric hospital currently receiving treatment for his mania and psychosis. He's highly irritable, elated, psychotic and demanding.

The thing I struggle with the most is his flirtatious attitude (has led to sexting). I know that hypersexuality can occur with mania. I also know that this isn't uncommon for those with BPD. The first time he told me I'm controlling and he's allowed female friends and terminated the relationship. Later I obtained proof/he lost a friend over it and this behaviour stopped/became loyal until he became manic.

Since his recent admissions, he's been around a female student nurse and my close female friend. He has said innapporiate things to my female friend such as asking for a threesome and saying he wished she wasn't a lesbian. And patients on the ward commented that he was being flirtatious to the student nurse, which he did in front of me (I left the ward when this happened).

When I say to him that it's not acceptable, I will not be around this kind of behaviour and its hurtful (I try and remain calm) he lashes out, tells me the whole world is lying to me, but then justifies his behaviour as "I'm allowed to let my eyes wonder when someone is pretty, I'm just being cheeky, I need to grow up and realise that's how adults behave, it's nice to compliment people, I'm the problem and if I want to be with him I need to accept that this is his personality. I continue to stand my ground, I am still supporting him while he is receiving treatment and I'm hopeful that his mood stabilisers will help.

I do however wonder how best to respond. I just don't know how I set a boundary around this and how I highlight this issue in a way that is absorbed by him (if possible)

Any advice would be great -  I'm not looking to leave the relationship, but I am trying to take steps back and still support him - though he very demanding - I can have 15 missed calls in 30 minutes. Aside, I'd like to know a better way to respond to his flirtatious attitude, him not admitting that its wrong (and him changing his mind on this topic)

Thank you ☺

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

When I say to him that it's not acceptable, I will not be around this kind of behaviour and its hurtful (I try and remain calm) he lashes out, tells me the whole world is lying to me, but then justifies his behaviour as "I'm allowed to let my eyes wonder when someone is pretty, I'm just being cheeky, I need to grow up and realise that's how adults behave, it's nice to compliment people, I'm the problem and if I want to be with him I need to accept that this is his personality. I continue to stand my ground, I am still supporting him while he is receiving treatment and I'm hopeful that his mood stabilisers will help.

I do however wonder how best to respond. I just don't know how I set a boundary around this and how I highlight this issue in a way that is absorbed by him (if possible)

Telling him the behavior is hurtful and you do not like it is good.  The thing is, with boundaries, we have to follow through with actions we take rather than expecting him to change.  If you say you don't want to be around it, you need to end the visit, take a break for a half hour, etc.  Over time, as you consistently enforce your boundary, he will get it, hopefully.

Are there times when he is calm and you can bring this up and talk with him about how it makes you feel?  Maybe say "when you do that it hurts and I withdraw and I don't want to do that to either one of us" or something like that and see where it goes?

[Ozzie101]

Hi Wwwhre! I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you to the family!

Harri's right. The key to boundaries is enforcing with consistency. Decide on what the consequence should be (you don't have to tell him ahead of time), then do that -- every time.

While I don't want to equate a grown person with BPD to a toddler, think about what they say about small children. If you give in once, you'll have to enforce it another dozen times or so to make up for the slip.

He might never come around and admit or agree that it's wrong. The sense of shame is strong in BPD and pwBPD frequently deflect, deny, etc., to avoid it -- as you've discovered. But that doesn't mean it can't happen. You're right. The mood stabilizers might do a world of good.

Leaving the room when he flirted is one way of enforcing. When he lashes out and justifies his behavior, how do you respond?

[Wwwhre]

When he denies I simply say that I find it hurtful and disrespectful. But I probably spend too much time trying to convince him to change his view. I believe he sometimes does these things for a reassuring response from me.

Thank you for your responses, they've been really helpful. I do try talking when he's calm but he gets defensive again very quickly. So perhaps calmly removing myself and returning later and saying when he's calm that's that what I'll be doing might help, thank you

[Ozzie101]

That's a good thing to try, Wwwhre.

But I probably spend too much time trying to convince him to change his view.

Something I'm guilty of with my H from time to time (not with flirting, but other things). I'm getting much better though. You're right, it's not productive. In fact, it's counter-productive.

I believe he sometimes does these things for a reassuring response from me.

That might well be the case. If it is, and he gets what he wants every time, what's the likelihood he'll change his behavior?