‘ Merry’ Christmas ? Sad and afraid of lonely Christmas

[Vincenta]

Have not posted for a long time. Has been truly  rocky road lately - my mother passed away, I am ‘ at risk’ at work ( due to re-organization), my BPD partner left me ( for the xxx time, but this time for good) - all these in less than 3 months period. Then I got quite bad heart palpitations, thought that they were due to stress only, but blood tests showed insufficient of the heart, well luckily all other tests at cardiology turned negative, so likely was a kind of broken heart syndrome ‘ only’? .  In addition, the aftermath of my Mom’s death has turned ugly due to some unexpected heritage issues, so am in the middle of potentially nasty legal financial struggles with some very remote relatives of my dead step-dad.

So has been hard, all in all. But the worst part actually has been the ( almost total) lack of empathy from my ex- BPD partner of 6 years.

I am totally heartbroken. And feel silly and so, so disappointed. And angry at myself - after all I have learnt about BPD, I should have known this coming (and what else you can ever expect from a person whose favorite song lately was  Hurt’ , Johnny Cash or Nine inch Nails, both versions go...?).

I have always been a ‘ Christmas’ person - I loved to plan decorations and dinners etc, loved Christmas carols... now I just would like to crawl into a dark cave and wait there alone until the 02.01.and all of this will be over. I will spend this Christmas alone here, first time without my ex- partner and my mother, and I just could cry all the time ( and actually I do - unfortunately not only in privacy, but also unexpectedly e.g. at hairdresser, in airplane, at a market place...luckily not yet? at  workplace - however, it is embarrassing and the first time of my  life I start to avoid public places/ meeting people as I do not seem to have control of my feelings. Very weird and confusing as I used to be a truly social and confident person.) .

I dread the Christmas this year.

[confusedbybdp]

 

Dear Vincenta,

With all you have been through recently, and are going through, please be gentle with yourself.  First, the recent loss of your mother by itself would naturally cause you to grieve deeply.  The loss of a parent (and in my opinion, especially a mother) is a major milestone and set back in life.  Even if this were the "only" thing happening in your life right now, I would expect you to be deeply affected.   It is very natural to cry at unexpected times and in unexpected places after such a loss.  My heart goes out to you.   May I ask, was hospice involved at the end of your mother's life?  As you may know, they provide 13 months of support after the death of a family member.  If this is the case, and you are able to take advantage of this resource, I think you would find it of great help in your bereavement. 

I worked in the senior living/assisted living field for many years.  Unfortunately, what you described as some conflict over inheritance issues is a very common occurrence.  This can complicate bereavement, but I hope it offers you some comfort to know that you are not alone.

Regarding the lack of empathy from your ex-partner...sadly, this is a very familiar trait with many pwBPD.  They are so consumed by their own pain, and so "in their own heads," that they often cannot empathize with their partner's sorrow and grief.  I experienced this myself, when my ex told me that I was "being selfish" when I didn't let him help me during my time of grief.  Everybody grieves differently, and I wanted to be alone to process the loss I was feeling.  He didn't understand this and wouldn't respect my wishes.  That made things even more difficult.

Although you have always enjoyed the Christmas season, this year will be hard.  Let it pass with as much grace as you can muster.  The holidays will be behind us in another week.  The time will come when you can again enjoy the holiday season.  Right now, give yourself all the time you need to heal, grieve, and deal with the many changes in your life.  You will make it...that I am sure of.

Hugs, 

[Vincenta]

Addition to above: do not really know and very difficult to handle so many losses at the same time: : loss of my mother ( with complicated feelings, and in mourning), loss of a relationship with BPD ( was it real or not, definitely traumatic), probably of loss of job etc. Also, along of ex BPD I lost his family, especially her mother I used to be closed with.

So the loneliness here this year is very real. I do not have children ( unfortunately), and  my relatives and friends  live 2000 km away. Of course I am in contact with those, but as you know, they do/ can not understand why would mourn after my relationship with the BPD - for them he is now just a truly horrible person and I just should forget him, period.

[Butane]

Two years ago I had the most horrible Christmas of my life. Tears, loneliness, every bad emotion, hopelessness...

It really, really does get better. I didn't believe it at the time when people said it, but it is true. Now I look back, and can't even believe that was my life back then.

Set your goals low this year. Just plan to survive it, and you will survive it. Warm wishes to you.

[Vincenta]

Hi confusedbybpd,

Our messages crossed. Many thanks for your comforting words, they mean a lot to me.

I live in Central Europe as an expat and my mother lived in my home town, in one of capitols of Nordic countries. She was a widow ( of my late step Dad) and suffered from a serious heart insufficient, but lived ( and wanted to live) at her own home. I organized help coming three times a week, nurse at least once a week etc, and she was actually doing fairly well with that,. In addition to several calls a week, I flew over every now and then, to take her to restaurants, hairdressers, shopping, etc whatever she would like to do. I had just called her 50 mins before she died, during our call she sounded ok and cheerful, also as I was supposed to come and visit again on the following week. Well, about one hour later police called me that she is found dead ( she had an emergency wristband she used, but when ambulance came 10 mins later, it was already too late.) . Although it was a shock for me, I think for her it was a blessing in a way - she went very fast, her last hour was somewhat happy ( at least sounded like that) and she did not have to suffer long.

But also good reminder how fragile we all are. How fragile the lifeline. How precious the life.

[Vincenta]

Thanks Butane, I am glad to hear that you are doing better ( I remember your posts).!

And the word ‘ hopefulness ‘ is quite describing my very low feelings at the moment. Very difficult to see the light out of the darkness.

It is frightening as I used to believe in ‘ love, faith, trust’ and if you lack hope ...?

[Teddy007]

I really feel with you. Have the same feeling about christmas. Just want to crawl in to black hole and come out after the new year. I can relate to so many things with you. I have just come out of a bpd relationship. She left me for someone else. My father died two days before christmas and this was 2 years ago so the memories of him comes back in this time as well.

I truly feel for you! In this time we must be strong and take care of our selves. The loneliness is killing me that this will be the first christmas without her and she is spending it with the new guy. she has charmd me a few times in the last 4 months since she left. And it happend a few days ago again.

And no i am back on step one again. The same with all my friends and relatives say that i should not give her the time of day, not even 1 second. But as we both know with all that is going on with the trauma and ptsd it is not easy.

I know that she does not care, she will be marry and happy on christmas with her new supply. We will sit at the family tabel looking at the end of the table where the empty chair where my father always used to sit when we had christmas dinner.

[Vincenta]

Teddy,  :hug.                 
You will have family dinner without drama, and your Dad will be watching over you, lovingly, and feeling proud of your decision. You know, you deserve and you will get more!

[Vincenta]

Oh, and Teddy, - I know that it might not feel like that at the moment, but seriously, believe me ( been there, seen that) - you might realize at some point (soon, hopefully) how lucky you were indeed to be the one that ‘ got away’. You were in much, much deeper, horribly muddy waters after more years and maybe marriage and/ or kids with a pwPD.

My exBPD has two troubled kids, both now already over 20 years old, both seem to have some serious issues, in addition to Asperger and / or ADD, - those issues caused probably also by genetics or by living with a BPD parent. Who knows.  But I can only  that it is extremely stressful and sad (to all parties involved)  in any case, and often the problems just grow as the kid grow.

[Turkish]

Vultures can tend to descend when I loved one dies. You shouldn't have to deal with them while dealing with the grief over losing your mother.  They are shameful!

As for your ex, a pwBPD may be a good support at times, but most often not. My ex was angry and hurt that her husband didn't call or make an acknowledgement of mother's day (her kids were ours, not his) yet seemed to show no care that his mother had just died.  They were separated, but still kind of seeing each other.  I was blown away by her lack of empathy. 

Getting though this may seem insurmountable now. I didn't believe it when people here told me at the time I was in the most pain, but I did, even with wounds that changed me.  This can be a tough season, but I wish you... maybe not Merry, but a Christmas with a hug from afar 

[Plucky1980]

I can definitely relate to this thread. I got dumped in January (4th and last time) but I spent last Christmas with her and whilst I wouldn't say it was brilliant or anything, the fact I spent it with her and it's getting horribly close to the day she ripped my heart out (our 1 year anniversary, an hour after a hotel stay to celebrate it) is stirring up all sorts of unwanted rubbish in my mind. I think we automatically look back at this time of year. I'm personally dreading the next week or two. I'll be alone and I'm not looking forward to it. Of course not being in a relationship with her is a good thing, I know that. It doesn't mean that I can't be sad.

However I have made this bed, being on my own. I have made the decision to stay single for my own benefit. And now I have to lie in that bed, so to speak.

[SinisterComplex]

Plucky...I commend on making your own bed and choosing to be single. I just wanted to chime in that choosing yourself and being single sometimes is the absolute best thing you can do. Being by yourself and being happy and healthy is always better than being stuck in a crappy relationship just because you are lonely.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Vincenta]

Dear all,

Many thanks for your replies and support!
I hope you all had somewhat peaceful holidays.

I forced  myself to somehow fulfill my responsibilities at church services etc, and even managed to spend couple of nice hours at my friend’s party ( without ruminating). I guess one milestone has been passed now.
Feel a bit better already and ready to face the next challenge that will be the New Year’s Eve...

Regards

Vincenta

[SinisterComplex]

All in due time Vincenta.

Step by step. Day by day. Brick by brick. Keep setting little benchmarks and check them off as you go. Relish the opportunity for a new year. Clear out all the emotional baggage you can by the end of this year and try not to take the weight of the emotional baggage left behind into the new year. Attack the new year with purpose and vision and strive to live happily.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-