Early Childhood Clues

[Juki]

Hi  ,

I'm just wondering if anyone with a BPD adult child saw or sensed that something wasn't quite right way back when they were infants/toddlers?  I do.

My daughter was a demanding baby that was unable to entertain herself.  She was hypersensitive and phobic with many things - her first sudden onset phobia was of the baby bath/water which caused hysterical crying.  Then it was sand, swings, insects, escalators, storms, toilets, etc.  Now she is extremely hypersensitive to sound (sends her into a panic attack) and is phobic of several things.  From 3-18 she was very obsessional about certain things in phases (e.g. she watched Bambi 100 times, assumed the name Bambi, referred to me and her father as Mother and Father Bambi, slept with a Bambi plushy, took a Bambi figurine everywhere with her, etc). She had delayed fine motor skills and was diagnosed as having sensory defensiveness at age 6.  She was extremely immature (and still is), had difficulty making and keeping friends (became overly possessive and controlling).  She "sat outside the square" (quoted by teacher) and was "different" (quoted by another teacher). She was extremely jealous of her younger brother - refused to share, bullied him, ignored his existence and to this day they have no relationship whatsoever.  She went through a phase when she was approx. 3-4 where she hated me (she would yell "I hate you", "Go away" and bit me) because she did not want to share her father's attention with me. She never understood the concept of waiting for anything (instant gratification), always interjected and never understood that when adults are talking you can't interrupt.  And it goes on and on. 

I honestly feel that she was difficult and different from birth onwards and even though she now fits a diagnosis of BPD, I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't a couple of other things going on as well. 

I really am very curious to know if anyone else experienced difficulties from early on or if everything seemed OK and then suddenly changed?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isanni]

Wow. Your child suffered. I can only imagine what was going on in her little mind. And as a result, life was hard for you and your husband. There is nothing worse for a child to feel left out, not like the others. It hurts her and her parents.

Our child gave us signs too. As my first child, I didn't realize until much later that she struggled. She too bit and scratched - other kids who we would give our attention to. She had a hard time with certain fabrics and tags in her clothes and was pretty hard to manage - to get her to do basic things without a fuss. It wasn't until she was about 9 when I brought her to a psychologist who stated she was an emotional child and I just needed to accept that. She was pulling out her hair, scratching her legs in episodes of intense emotion typically triggered by a social interaction (in person or online). Then she drew alarming pics of knives with blood and captions like 'kill me.'
 Last year, I told that psychologist that my child was formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist to have borderline traits. She told me she was too young to diagnose! So unfortunately - although this would have been easier to treat at age 9/10, we are now dealing with a teen out of control. And yes - she is very different from my other daughter. Apparently 60 to 70 of the emotional dysregulation can be traced back to genetics and we have a few others in the family who suffer from constant agitation too.

We have to follow our guts more as parents!

[Juki]

Hi Isanni,

Wow! I find it interesting that your daughter also seemed to display some very odd behaviour as she was growing up.  For me it was very hard to gauge how "abnormal" she was because she was my first born and I somehow considered it to be a variant of normal and just accepted that she was extremely hypersensitive and different without it really setting off any alarm bells.  Might I add that my own knowledge of psych things throughout her childhood was zero to none so her "symptoms" didn't seem too big a deal at that time.  Its only now in hindsight that the whole picture and her history has become significant.  In terms of genetics I would have to agree wholeheartedly.  Her father (we're separated) has narcissistic personality disorder and meets the DSM criteria +++.  I have a deceased Aunt who committed suicide when I was just a baby but from what I have been told her behaviour would meet the criteria for BPD. 

At various stages throughout my daughter's childhood I tried to get help but we were only ever dealing with 1 symptom at a time, rather than looking at the combined picture.  I fully agree that we have to follow our guts more as parents but it is easy to disregard our intuition in favour of some so-called rational, intellectualisation.

Thanks for your reply xx

[Momnotmom]

I feel for you, your daughter and the rest of the family. Yes! We also had signs early on. Our daughter was adopted at age 6 with her younger brother and sister. Her bio mom has BPD.

From the beginning our daughter needed to be the center of attention. She was flirtatious with my husband from day one. She bullied her siblings and classmates, but was extremely sneaky and manipulative about it - enough to make us question if we were imagining things. I remember helping out in her 1st grade class and observing her giving another child "a look" that convinced the child to relinquish her chair to my daughter to sit on the floor with the rest of the class. I remember thinking she looked like a alpha dog jockeying for prime position.

She was sweet and accommodating to teachers and other adults, leading them (and even my husband) to believe I was nuts about my concerns regarding my daughter. She was an expert at triangulation and we learned early on to communicate thoroughly and completely with teachers and others involved in her care. She was unable to maintain friendships and was rarely invited to birthday parties, etc. She stole a diamond necklace from my mother when she was about 8 and swore it was given to her by a friend. She never took responsibility for her behavior - everything was someone else's fault.

Her mood swings were extreme, and she had a violent temper. When she 7-8 she would scream she hated me and that I was a fat b----. When she didn't get her way, she would call 911 and claim we were abusive. She bloodied my nose when she was 15. Many diagnoses throughout childhood - most notably reactive attachment disorder. I remember she had an extreme terror related to public toilets (especially loud flushes) for quite a while. She struggled with enuresis into her teens.

It became clear to us right away that she was troubled and experienced early trauma. So she had mental health professionals working with her (and us) from the beginning, but at age 15 it was pointed out to us that everyone was working hard at helping her EXCEPT her, and she moved to a group home in hopes that alleviating the pressures she felt from the intimacy of family would allow her to focus on positive changes. Of course she accused us of abandoning her and she ran at age 18 ... 

Sorry to go on so long. I've spent 18 years now walking on eggshells and waiting for the next storm. It is a HUGE relief to find a place to share where it's clear people understand. I love my daughter and know she is in pain, and pray every day for her to find some small measure of peace.

[Juki]

Hi Momnotmom,

Your story is terribly sad and very relatable.  The behaviour our BPD children dish out is very, very hurtful.  As I was reading your comment I noted the behaviour that was the same as my daughter's early childhood behaviour: - centre of attention  expert at triangulation  unable to maintain friendships    never took responsibility    mood swings 

I am very fortunate because my daughter is not violent, but can hurl the verbal abuse when something doesn't go her way.  I can't even begin to imagine how distressing it must of been to be physically assaulted by your own child.  At least this type of abuse is more quantifiable and visible, whereas the psychological abuse is not.  In the eyes of the law and other people physical violence is completely unacceptable and there are consequences, but unfortunately psychological abuse (which I believe is far more hurtful and damaging) is invisible and typically has no consequences.

I completely relate to walking on eggshells waiting for the next storm.  It is a very unpleasant way to live.  I too hope that my daughter will be able to get through this so that we can at least have a mutually respectful relationship.  Hopefully your daughter will improve with age and maturity.

 

[Momnotmom]

I agree that the psychological abuse is harder to deal with and more hurtful and has no consequences. It’s so nice to know the people here can relate to that and understand. Wish I had this group to turn to years ago when my daughter was still home and I had hopes of more positive outcomes.