Hi Zabava
This is so hard. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your son triggered you, and you reacted. It sounds like maybe a few things are going on:
1) Your son's behavior - present and past
2) Your reaction to that incident
3) your fear of your son's behavior (intimidation from his size and past anger)
4) Your fear he could have inherited some BPD dna
I think your being triggered is understandable. I'm guessing everybody on this site has been triggered, and none of us were happy about it afterwards. You're not alone, but have a whole planet of company from the parenting crowd. It's called "human".
Nobody's Perfect. That doesn't mean your son can understand your reaction the way we do. How much about complicated life stuff did we understand when we were 16?
Don't beat yourself up about it. I can remember treating my son badly too. He was younger than your son, but a few days later during a calm time, I talked to him about it and apologized. I think we also talked about what our son could have done differently to get his message across in a more appropriate way. The circumstances around our situations were entirely different, so the remedy is probably entirely different. My response may not at all be appropriate for you in your situation.
What your son did was wrong (disrespectful to you, property damage in the past). You are uncomfortable with your reaction with being triggered when he was angry and disrespectful. This is understandable. But
you can't make his wrong, right. Only
he can do that (maybe 20 years from now
). But you
can "model" how your reaction could have been different.
"________(his name), I got very angry the other night when we were talking about our holiday plans." I understand now you had already made plans with your friends. I am sorry for ________________ . In the future, I would like us to be able to discuss our plans ahead of time and find new ways for us both to get what we want." (genuine tone)
It may not change a thing about his behavior now or in the future, but you are still modeling good relationship skills, as well as remediation skills after a conflict has happened, and that can be a good thing.
I feel very hurt by the way he talks to me.
Does he know this? Would SET work here to discuss this? "I statements?"
I'm guessing he wouldn't be amenable to counselling, but one never knows...
I worry he has my mums dna.
Join the club. I think we all obsess about this a bit. I've recently had a conversation with my H about one of our children, and possible "traits" (he and his grandma are "tightly" bonded - he's the "golden child").
On the other hand, it can be somewhat typical teenage behavior as they are still learning how to manage their emotions in those years, boys are generally "behind" girls in development, and all teenagers tend to be some level of ego-centric before becoming hopefully more even-keeled adults down the road. There are also a LOT of outside influences on teens these days, and they could also play a BIG role in being responsible for that behavior.
You know your son best. Follow your gut. Listen to your inner voice. If your inner voice is concerned there could be some BPD there, your concerns come from a place of experience with BPD's. On the other hand, I know I tend to catastrophise a lot. Discuss with T, who knows you well. Ultimately do what makes YOU feel good, and it will probably be good for your son too, whether or not he can see that. At the end of the day, the important thing is that you feel good about yourself. The rest is up to your son.
