My ex and new guy having troubles already... What... No... How could that be?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I posted about a month or so ago.  About all the warning signs my ex had having bpd.  Likely undiagnosed since she stated she didn't have it when I brought it up over the phone.  Anyways.  Littler recap with her.  She was raped as a child by her pos father.  Had an abortion in high school ten years or so ago... So she has the the rape card, the promiscuous card.  Stated she has genital herpes (but didn't get it from having sex uh huh

[527East]

So I posted about a month or so ago.  About all the warning signs my ex had having bpd.  Likely undiagnosed since she stated she didn't have it when I brought it up over the phone.  Anyways.  Littler recap with her.  She was raped as a child by her pos father.  Had an abortion in high school ten years or so ago... So she has the the rape card, the promiscuous card.  Stated she has genital herpes (but didn't get it from having sex uh huh

[527East]

Not sure why it cut off my post.

So I posted about a month or so ago.  About all the warning signs my ex had having bpd.  Likely undiagnosed since she stated she didn't have it when I brought it up over the phone.  Anyways.  Little recap with her.  She was raped as a child by her pos father.  Had an abortion in high school ten years or so ago... So she has the rape card of childhood trauma, the promiscuous card.  Stated she has genital herpes (but didn't get it from having sex uh huh), she told me she had an IUD put in to prevent getting pregnant but who knows if she still kept it in or not.  She joined my religion but doesn't want to follow the rules regarding no coffee, tobacco use, and pre-marital sex.  She binged fast food, terrible with finances, married her ex husband at a courthouse on a whim, I was a rebound relationship after her divorce last oct/Nov 2018.  We started dating in Dec 2018 and I moved in with her in May 2019.  She pushed the marriage/commitment card quickly.  She wanted a marriage badly.  She had major abandonment issues.  I could not go on a family cruise with my family for a week without her having a breakdown calling out from work from anxiety and panic attacks.  I had to check in with her all the time where I was little to no freedom.   Anyways she basically pushed me away but she did break up with me in Oct 2019 because I didn't spend enough time with her or give her sex that she wanted. So I don't miss the wild crazy sex most of you guys talk about and have experienced but the the sexual things she said she wanted to do was like WOW.

I got depressed and wanted to detach towards the end of the relationship in Oct 2019.  She rebounded with a coworker who she brought into the apartment and just like that had sexual relations with him not even a month after we broke up while I am in the room next door. This didn't work for me at all.   I told her I wanted out of the apartment.  Well my replacement was kind enough to sublet me off the lease with I am sure some convincing from the ex through sensuality quid pro quo type arrangement.  I moved out he moved in and is on the hook til may 2020 on the lease.

Yesterday my coworker saw my replacement and ex since she lived in the same apartment building. She said my replacement looked really depressed and detached like what the hell did I get myself into.  In fact she said it was the same look I had when we were together just drained of life.

My question is if there's already cracks in the relationship over the next 5 months or so and they break up what are the chances my ex contacts me again and says she wants to try again and gives me the phrases like I didn't know what I had until it was gone and some other crap like that?  She broke up with me and painted me black.  Is it possible she would try to reconnect with me after realizing my replacement is a loser going nowhere in life? This guy just oozes beta male all over him.  I'm not interested in being recycled but it would be nice to practice with putting up big boundaries and my own ultimatums if I even wanted her back.

[Mutt]

Hi 527East,

I'm not interested in being recycled but it would be nice to practice with putting up big boundaries and my own ultimatums if I even wanted her back.

I’m sorry that this happened to you. It has to be really difficult to have the new person in your home with your ex while you are there.

It’s hard to say how long long it will last. It can depend on how much she can control him if she can’t control him it won’t last long. She could already be looking for an exit strategy by starting another r/s with someone else or maybe she hasn’t.

This is still fresh for you. If you decided that you don’t want to go back you’ll be fine - your boundaries will protect you if you’re on the fence and you feel like you might go back I’d suggest to stick to your boundaries, keep detaching, focus on you, have no contact with your ex, practice self care and work on improving yourself.

[SinisterComplex]

So 527, I have to ask...why are you even conflicted? This should be an open and shut case. I mean honestly is this what you think you deserve? Do you believe or think you cannot do any better? I mean you were clearly shown no respect or second thought...is that what you want from a partner?

Seriously...who cares about the other guy. Let it go. Get away from comparing yourself or if the guy is a smurf, troll, beta, alpha...who gives 2 sh*ts! He is irrelevant. This is all about you. Focus on you and what you want.

If you have to view it this way...you can only win if you pull the plug and tell her go kicks rocks and move the f to the u to the c to the k on. No letting her back in. That ship sailed. Her true colors were shown. There is no going back after that. If you do...blame yourself for whatever other maladies may happen. Do not convince yourself the end result will ever turn out any differently. Human beings are creatures of habit and the patterns will usually repeat themselves over and over again. If someone is unwilling to change that pattern then you do not give them the privilege of your time because hey as a reminder...we are only allotted so much of that in life. Spend that time on people who cherish you and respect you and will treat you how you want to be treated.

Please do the smart thing...forgive her, forgive yourself, move on and treat this like a good war story you can share with your buddies over a couple beers like hey man do I ever have a good one for you.

Do not worry about her re-connecting. Go live your life for your own sanity.

Cheers, best wishes and happy holidays to you!

-SC-

[527East]

Well said.  I guess my post was more intended of me like alot of guys dealing with an undiagnosed bpd for the first time and not knowing what I got myself into and trying to figure it out.  I am more concerned on what are the chances she tries to recycle me.  And like I said I don't want to be recycled but I would like to practice on things I didn't do during the relationship by enforcing my own stronger boundaries and ultimatums.  But end of day hell no I don't want her back.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey 527-

I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through.  I’d say that there IS a chance she may recycle.  She may...

Your “big” boundary would be to block her and not engage at all.  What she did was, in my book, unforgivable.

And your “replacement”... she likely lied to him and told him you either were simply roommates or long broken up when she brought him into your home.  His dejection now is his “punishment”.  He’s likely feeling exactly what you felt.  And we don’t want to wish that pain and confusion on anyone.

Please be good to yourself.  Stay around and begin your healing journey.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Mutt]

Hi 527,

I  didn't do during the relationship by enforcing my own stronger boundaries and ultimatums.

I’d like to echo Gemsforeyes, you enforce your boundaries on you because you cannot control someone else. If she does x then I will respond with y. So if if she tries to contact you for now for your own self protection then don’t respond because it gives you the space and time for you to heal and get your house in order and self reflect.

All of this takes time, but it is definitely doable, think about what attracted you to her, what was revealed later on that was a definite turn off it went against your values, why did you stick it out was it fear of something?

I’d suggest set hard boundaries on yourself in regards to her. A lot of us had floating boundaries eventually we would bend but if she has traits of BPD it’s something you have to have - boundaries.

Boundaries are supposed to be malleable, I have malleable boundaries with loved ones I have less malleable boundaries with my exuBPDw because emotional immaturity, neediness, attention seeking behavior, etc are all things that I’ve put behind me but when it comes to the kids and her yes have to be a lot less rigid but with some things it is a hard line with her.

[SinisterComplex]

Well said.  I guess my post was more intended of me like alot of guys dealing with an undiagnosed bpd for the first time and not knowing what I got myself into and trying to figure it out.  I am more concerned on what are the chances she tries to recycle me.  And like I said I don't want to be recycled but I would like to practice on things I didn't do during the relationship by enforcing my own stronger boundaries and ultimatums.  But end of day hell no I don't want her back.

Well the others have echoed the stronger boundaries theme. This is an absolute must. The most important thing that I preach to others is that you need to learn to enforce respect comes before all else. Being liked is not as important as being respected. If you give an inch they will take it a mile. There are things I just will not allow. I let everyone hang themselves so to speak and once you become a habitual line stepper you got to go! In other words I make very clear what I will and will not tolerate. If you push me you will lose 100% of the time. Adopt that mentality.

Figure out what you truly like and enjoy. I mean for me I am a drama free, no BS kind of guy. I am willing to be reasonable, but if it is a pattern then I pull the plug and I am done. I value my time, my peace and quiet and I relish the tranquility of things being simple and boring (excitement in moderation).

So to create your boundaries it starts with you doing some self-discovery. What does your ideal relationship look like? What do you want out of the relationship? What are the most important things to you in a relationship...and a piece of advice...if sex is #1 then be prepared for crap relationships (in this day and age there is too much focus placed on sex and everyone is allowed to have their own opinions on that topic, but typically if you put off the sex you will learn what is hidden beneath the veneer of someone before you take the step and you can evaluate if it is even worth it to proceed...call this years of experience and getting older and learning wisdom...) Sex matters, but if it is the end all be all the relationships will be superficial at best and most likely to end up in heartbreak and conflict.

Do your due diligence, ask tough questions, be aware of your deal breakers and do not relent on them. If you find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior often...tell her to go kick rocks. That is a massive warning sign. Everyone has a bad day and there are isolated incidences, but when it is a prevalent pattern...yeah there will not be a happy ending. Always be willing to walk away. Program yourself out of the stay and fight mentality and learn to fall for the here and now and what is in front of you, not the potential that you see could be.

Cheers and best wishes to you 527!

-SC-

[PeteWitsend]

I generally agree with what others have said here, 527: the best way to enforce this boundary is to ignore her and not engage if she does try to recycle you.

I can tell you what will likely happen if she does try to recycle you and contacts you again: she will blame you for her behavior that lead to the breakup, deny responsibility for her own actions, and try to re-write history to make you the bad guy.

Why even waste your time getting back on the crazy train, or even listen to it?  it's only going to cause you more angst.

Consider yourself lucky - extremely lucky - you didn't have a kid with her.

[SinisterComplex]

"Consider yourself lucky - extremely lucky - you didn't have a kid with her."

This is one of the most important take aways. Even when going through the hurt, pain, loss, etc remember you are getting away relatively easy. I was fortunate to not having any children with my ex wife. Truly a blessing. I was also smart enough to not let my other head do the thinking for me for once with this last person I was involved with and whew did I avoid a nuclear holocaust type disaster.

So when you get cheated on or hurt...in the immediate aftermath it hurts and it sucks, but once you get to step back and look at it you will come to realize the person did you a huge favor and all the pain and suffering was and is essentially a blessing in disguise. Also, learn from the experience...you will be amazed at your defenses moving forward when you really hone in on your intuition and instincts. Always be cognizant of the environment and underlying feelings.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-