Should I bother with this any longer?

[DRoyale]

Hello everyone, happy holidays and happy new year. I’m new here and seeking advice. Here’s a bit of backstory. My partner and I have been off and on for several years. It wasn’t until a year into our relationship that she had a mental crisis and was diagnosed with BPD by a therapist. She has undergone DBT therapy and is always working in workbooks to practice mindfulness. I am proud of her for her accomplishments. Of course, our relationship has also had a lot of ups and downs. For the last few months we have been apart while we work on our individual issues. For example, I have depression and anger issues that I’m working on and I’m treated by a psychiatrist. She is working on her treatment of BPD. I work full-time and I’m a full-time college student. She does not work at the moment, it’s too difficult for her. Right now, we are living apart and we’re in different states. She can be a very caring person but lately, the more we argue, the less she acknowledges my feelings. Only her own.

So, as you can imagine my life is very busy but I try to make time to spend with her when I can. But lately I feel so emotionally and mentally drained. it seems as if whenever we have an argument, she doesn’t address my feelings. It sometimes feels one-sided. She focus on her feelings. On Christmas Eve, I was looking forward to spending time with her because it’s Christmas and it’s also her birthday. Except her mother made her upset about her cats on Christmas Eve and she threatened to get rid of them because they keep missing the litter box. My partner is very attached to her cats, which I understand as I have a dog that I love dearly. Obviously this made my partner extremely upset. When she vented to me about it, I tried to comfort her and told her that the cats are fine, her mom is probably just frustrated with them. Nothing bad actually happened. My partner told me she was shutting her phone off. She didn’t speak to me anymore except to tell me Merry Christmas on 12/25. She disappeared again for 2 more days and finally spoke to me today. She told me she supposedly assumed I was taking her mother’s side and got so angry that she completely shut me out from being able to contact her. I have been so upset over it that I don’t even want to talk to her because she knows I have no family to be with during the holidays. I spent Christmas Eve and Xmas day completely alone.  No explanation or conversation for 4 days straight. To top it off I had to tell her how much her actions actually hurt me and how she only told me why she did it. Never apologized either until I told her she could have at least apologized but at that point I didn’t even want to hear it anymore because it felt meaningless.

I haven’t spoken to her since her little explanation today, and she wants to talk to me tomorrow about it but I don’t want to talk to her. I realize she had a hard day Xmas Eve and used STOP because she was upset... but for 4 days? Over 2 cats that had literally nothing happen to them? Because she assumed my statement meant something else entirely than what I meant? I’m speechless and frustrated and angry that she just shut me out like that and ignored me on literally the most lonely and depressing days of the year. Her apology felt meaningless to me because I had to tell her that an apology was owed. This hurt me deeply because it felt like I wasn’t important. Should I bother with this any longer? Or put an end to this roller coaster?

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[DRoyale]

Hello everyone, happy holidays and happy new year. I’m new here and seeking advice. Here’s a bit of backstory. My partner and I have been off and on for several years. It wasn’t until a year into our relationship that she had a mental crisis and was diagnosed with BPD by a therapist. She has undergone DBT therapy and is always working in workbooks to practice mindfulness. I am proud of her for her accomplishments. Of course, our relationship has also had a lot of ups and downs. For the last few months we have been apart while we work on our individual issues. For example, I have depression and anger issues that I’m working on and I’m treated by a psychiatrist. She is working on her treatment of BPD. I work full-time and I’m a full-time college student. She does not work at the moment, it’s too difficult for her. Right now, we are living apart and we’re in different states. She can be a very caring person but lately, the more we argue, the less she acknowledges my feelings. Only her own.

So, as you can imagine my life is very busy but I try to make time to spend with her when I can. But lately I feel so emotionally and mentally drained. it seems as if whenever we have an argument, she doesn’t address my feelings. It sometimes feels one-sided. She focus on her feelings. On Christmas Eve, I was looking forward to spending time with her because it’s Christmas and it’s also her birthday. Except her mother made her upset about her cats on Christmas Eve and she threatened to get rid of them because they keep missing the litter box. My partner is very attached to her cats, which I understand as I have a dog that I love dearly. Obviously this made my partner extremely upset. When she vented to me about it, I tried to comfort her and told her that the cats are fine, her mom is probably just frustrated with them. Nothing bad actually happened. My partner told me she was shutting her phone off. She didn’t speak to me anymore except to tell me Merry Christmas on 12/25. She disappeared again for 2 more days and finally spoke to me today. She told me she supposedly assumed I was taking her mother’s side and got so angry that she completely shut me out from being able to contact her. I have been so upset over it that I don’t even want to talk to her because she knows I have no family to be with during the holidays. I spent Christmas Eve and Xmas day completely alone.  No explanation or conversation for 4 days straight. To top it off I had to tell her how much her actions actually hurt me and how she only told me why she did it. Never apologized either until I told her she could have at least apologized but at that point I didn’t even want to hear it anymore because it felt meaningless.

I haven’t spoken to her since her little explanation today, and she wants to talk to me tomorrow about it but I don’t want to talk to her. I realize she had a hard day Xmas Eve and used STOP because she was upset... but for 4 days? Over 2 cats that had literally nothing happen to them? Because she assumed my statement meant something else entirely than what I meant? I’m speechless and frustrated and angry that she just shut me out like that and ignored me on literally the most lonely and depressing days of the year. Her apology felt meaningless to me because I had to tell her that an apology was owed. This hurt me deeply because it felt like I wasn’t important. I don't know what else to do

[BumbleBee83]

First let me say that I'm terribly sorry for what you have been going through.  I know first hand how difficult it all is.
Since you asked based on your synopsis of what happened, my advice would be to NOT bother with it any longer. 
In my opinion, it is not okay to ignore your significant other for 4 days over anything, not to mention that she was upset with her mother over something about the cats.  If you are a person that values having rational discussions that lead to closer relationships, you will be hard-pressed to find that with a person with BPD.
I stupidly married my undiagnosed borderline husband.  I will be the first person to admit that it is MY OWN issues and insecurities that lead me to want to be with a person such as him anyway, but here we are.  I needed to convince him that I was worthy.  I needed to feel like I was able to find someone that wanted to marry me because I looked around and saw all of these people that had lifelong commitments and wondered to myself, "what's wrong with ME?"  "Why doesn't anyone want ME?"  When in retrospect, there were people that wanted me.  I just didn't want them...because they weren't a challenge.  They just loved me.  They didn't need convincing...and that's my OWN issue.
In any event, I promise you that there is better for you out there.  I promise you that your girlfriend will be this way in 5 years and in 10 years.  You will be lonely and bewildered on holidays, especially, because those with BPD get extra off-the-chain in times of stress.  You will be lonely and bewildered when you need something, even if it's to get a hard day off your chest, or when you have a small "issue" in your relationship that you feel needs working out.  You won't be able to work on your relationship with her, because anything you say, no matter how kindly or gently you word it will be taken as a complaint or that you are trying to say that they are not perfect.  When in fact, we all know that no one is perfect.  We all know that good relationships are work.  We all know that sometimes there's a difficult thing to say to the ones we love so that we can do better and move on.  But you cannot do this with someone with BPD because they cannot hear it.  And then they will either devalue you, have a huge temper tantrum, or blame the whole thing on you.  Maybe all three of those things will happen.  And you will find yourself regretting that you ever brought anything up.  It is sad and hard to not be able to talk to your significant other.  It makes you look outside the relationship for someone to talk to and to "be real" with.  All of a sudden your friends are closer to you than your spouse.  Your hairdresser knows more about you as a real person than your spouse.  And in some cases, people look to an affair, because they find themselves emotionally closer to another person.
I once went for several days contemplating saying something to my husband that had been bothering me.  I don't remember what it was.  I think that maybe it was the fact that he leaves the house without saying "good-bye".  Just says, "I'm going to get the oil changed" and then leaves.  It makes me feel bad.  Anyway, I considered IF I would say anything for several days.  Then decided that I would, but needed to wait for "just the right time".  When he's not too tired.  When he's not had a long day.  Not before he has put in his fantasy football line-up because I might mess that up for him.  Not when he was just about to shower.  Not when the phone might ring and it's his mother.  Let me tell you...this alone is a lot of work.  In any event, he could tell that I had been a little more quiet than usual.  He asked me about it and was a little rude and sarcastic with me.  NOT the time to bring it up, so I said "nothing.  I'm just tired".  He kept after me but said something like, "why don't you just tell me what I did because we all know that I can never do anything right!  Might as well get it over with! You always have some complaint about me when I do so much around here!"  Well, who in their right mind would name whatever  it is at this point?  So I said, " What if I did have something to say?"  And that was all she wrote...
He went off on a 20 minute tirade about how I'm never happy and I should have married someone else who was a zombie and would just sit there in a zombie coma and say, "yes, dear. No, dear" so that I could have my way all the time.  That I love being apologized to.  Then this somehow morphed into the fact that I like restaurants that are "downtown" and it's far and he works downtown and doesn't want to go downtown after he's worked there all week.  That I can't just be happy going to a restaurant here in our town. (What this has to do with anything, i don't know.  I can only say that this is how it went down.)
Mind you, "downtown" is 20 minutes away.  And also, we go to places here in town all the time.  I don't need to get dressed up and be wined and dined.  I love a diner where I can get a BLT or a reuben, so he's full of it.  My point is,  this will be your life.  In some way or another, you will most likely regret deciding to stick it out with this person.  Life is hard enough.  To knowingly and willingly hang in there with a person that has this issue is signing up for a lifetime of crazy.  And it's lonely.  Especially if you are a rational person that wants a close relationship with someone that grows over time.  This will not.