How to get sibling to help

[appleoranges]

Hi everyone. My sister was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago by a specialist, and with hindsight I feel like she has had symptoms for much longer than that in her early teens. She lives at home with my parents and needless to say, they've had a tumultuous relationship in the recent past. We have no idea when she will suddenly burst out in anger and lash out verbally (and recently, more physically, throwing things and pushing people around). When I am there, I can sense that there is a certain minimum baseline of stress in the room either in anticipation of something going wrong or something currently in the works.

I found this website after she blew up at me yesterday. It seemed like she already had an episode of very intense emotions from the morning, and came to me to pick a fight for no reason. Not the first time this has happened, but certainly the first time in a while. She had been to DBT before but stopped and confessed that she only went to please the family after a few months. But in that time we felt like things were getting better. She has vehemently refused to take any medication, maintains that there is absolutely nothing wrong, is aware of the diagnosis but thinks its either meaningless or incorrectly diagnosed by the specialists. She has also lied in the past about scheduling therapy and going (when neither has occurred in reality). Reading around here I feel like this is quite common. I think at this point no one is hurt or surprised when this occurs as we feel that she is not even thinking when she provides answers sometimes.

Personally I moved out a few years ago but maintain constant contact with my parents. I feel terrible for what everyone is going through at home. I had imagined that by the time their kids had left school that they would not be suffering through something like this. If I stay home, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and when she's like this I avoid her completely. If I leave, I feel like I am leaving my parents with the complete burden. These last four months have been good (until yesterday), but before that there has been constant threats from my parents to have her move out, answered by her claiming that they are abandoning her, etc. Quite textbook also from what I read.

To provide some context, we are first generation immigrants and with the language barrier I could not find any local resources/support for them. Even for her, it seems like the wait times for specialists seem to take months.

I guess in a nutshell, came here to vent, ask for any pointers to personally deal with the guilt which is fairly a recent development since the only thing I used to feel was anger when we used to fight, how to support my family going forward, and also convince her to get back to therapy. Currently my parents are using an ultimatum, as they told her some time ago any more verbal abuse from her they will drag her to the hospital or she can leave. I know they have no intention of actually kicking her out but I feel like there is no winning strategy here.

[JNChell]

Hi, applesoranges. Welcome to  bpdfamily. This sounds like quite a challenge for you and your family. Like you’re always waiting for the next shoe to drop. You are aware of the situation. What are your parent’s thoughts in all of this? BPD has been clinically diagnosed. Do your parents understand that magnitude?

If you want to help and be effective, take care of yourself first. What would you like to see happen within the family dynamic?