Is it okay to leave?

[OutbackOzzie]

Hey everyone,

First time here, just trying to figure out how to deal with my marriage. My wife has been getting worse for sometime to the point that police removed her from the house for sometime after an incident that left me with bruised ribs and some death threats. The problem is my faith refuses to acknowledge it as serious and demands I continue to support her as I have done for many years. Any guidance? Is it over? Am I too selfish to say it's over? She's only sick, how can you be as upset and devastated as I am about some one who is sick and can't even recognise it after diagnosis... At the same time if I am to save myself things need to change. Any insights are appreciated. Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello OutbackOzzie! Welcome!

I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you've found us.

What you describe is, in fact, a very serious situation. If the police have been called and she was removed and caused physical damage -- yes, that's serious.

No one here will tell you to leave or to stay. That's a decision only you can make. But either choice is a valid one. Whether you stay or go, it's clear you need to protect yourself. And that is far from being selfish.

Is your wife receiving any sort of therapy?

[OutbackOzzie]

Sorry, just to clarify. I am not looking for feedback on if I should leave or not. Rather a secondary perspective on the situation as I feel I have tolerated so much that I don't even know what normal is.

Regarding therapy, no she is not participating, however medication is being taken now. Which does help (a little)

[Ozzie101]

I will say this: protecting yourself (physically, emotionally) is never selfish. Especially not in a situation like you describe. Even if someone is sick, that does not make you obligated to offer yourself up as a whipping boy -- either figuratively or literally.

What you describe is not normal or acceptable. And while medication can help, if she doesn't get real, dedicated treatment (like Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) with someone experienced with BPD, it's unlikely to improve long-term.

Its natural for you to be devastated about her condition and her treatment of you. And I'm sorry you've experienced all you have.

And I know what it's like to feel like you don't know what "normal" is anymore. I was in that spot last year with my husband. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and I got to the point I was believing all the horrible things he said to me until I finally had a moment of clarity.

We have an article on domestic violence that might have some useful information for you:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder-and-physical-abuse

Also, do you know much about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)? We have a workshop about it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I hope you'll take a look and let us know what you think.