Hi,
I’m not sure where to start to deal with the difficult relationship I have with my mom. I am pretty sure I want to maintain some sort of contact but don’t know how to do that without being stuck in the same cycle that’s caused me pain and struggles my whole life. I love her but dealing with her stresses me out.
I recently stumbled across info about BPD after trying to learn more about certain toxic behaviors that I’ve noticed are a pattern. I bought and am reading the book “surviving the borderline parent” and it is hitting home. I do think there could be more at play though. It seems like that may be what’s going on but I just keep second guessing myself and getting stuck in the mentality that I need to be the one to change or fix things so it’s been difficult to know what to do from here. I’ve always felt like if I did this or changed that then we could find peace. I’m terrified that either I’m going to be like her to my kids or she will manipulate/ groom/ harm my kids. I guess that’s what is bringing all this to a head for me now. I want to go to therapy about it all but money is tight right now because I’m a stay at home mom to a new baby.
Some backstory:
I’m 30 married and just had my first baby who is 5 months old. My parents are still married. We are currently neighbors. My brother passed away suddenly in a car accident in 2016. He and I were always close growing up and close in age. He was recently recovered from almost a decade of on and off drug addiction when the accident happened. My mom was always harder on him but she seemed to switch back and forth being mad at one and sweet to the other. My mom doesn’t speak to any of her family, except recently to her sister (who she always bad mouths) occasionally, and is very critical of my dad’s family. She hasn’t spoken to her mom since I was born and she stopped talking to her dad and stepmother about 10 years ago after they had a disagreement. Her half brother is a drug addict and is in and out of prison. My whole life she has told me about how hard she had it growing up, her parents divorced when she was a toddler. Her mom was neglectful due to some sort of mental illness. She basically had to raise herself and her sister. They were “dirt poor”. Her mom had boyfriends who would hurt her. She was also somewhat cared for by her grandmother who was the only family member she speaks well of. I met her once when I was a teen. She moved to live with her dad, who is a doctor, as a teen and things improved for her some. She met my dad in college. She is a high achieving career woman and that has always been a high priority.
Anyways, my whole life she has used her past as a way to sort of guilt trip me for all different reasons in all different situations.
I think she has a very strong fear of abandonment and distrust of people. I feel terribly for her having to go through that as a kid and it breaks my heart that anyone could treat children that way. That doesn’t justify her behavior to me though. She can’t deal with any kind of criticism or things that suggest she isn’t perfect. I’ve always felt like I have to walk on eggshells and like I have to take care of her emotionally. My brother had a very tumultuous relationship with her and my dad just kind of tries to play peacekeeper/ neutral/ on everyone’s side He acknowledges her behavior is not right sometimes but says that’s just the way she is and we should just be loving and deal with her. My dad is an amazing person. He is super patient, humble and always has been like an anchor in the emotional storm growing up. Its hard for me now to understand why he didn’t do more to protect us from her but I know that he doesn’t know how to handle her without her losing it and leaving or something and he loves her and so he just deals like I do. She plays the same games with him. It’s always bugged me but I know he’s a grown man and I’m not responsible to protect him from her even though I wanted to protect him and my brother from her when I was younger.
It’s confusing because sometimes she is really nice and things seem normal. She goes out of her way to do/ buy nice things for others. She can be really encouraging and supportive.
Somethings just seem odd to me though and I’m starting to realize that maybe they actually are.
I’m just going to list some behaviors that come to memory that I’ve been struggling with to see if I’m overreacting and to give a better picture of what’s going on.
- never, I mean NEVER apologizes. I can’t remember one apology ever. After a fight she sulks, cold shoulders or silent treatments till I apologize even if she was mean to me and I just took it. Once I was cooking breakfast in high school and she got mad at me about something, came over and smashed my freshly made plate of breakfast on the floor- cutting my leg and making me bleed a lot. No apology even then.
- says things like “you’re the only family I have” to get me to do things she wants me to even though they go against my beliefs or boundaries.
- acts like she, or maybe genuinely does, forgets things I’ve asked her to do/ not do. This could be anything from keeping something confidential, not coming over without calling first, gifting me food she knows I don’t eat.
- Talks bad about everyone in her life to me, even her best friends.
- refuses to even consider therapy.
- has been on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds throughout my life on and off.
- throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way in which a lot of hurtful things get said.
- remembers things wrong, says things did or didn’t happen even though it’s the opposite- especially during a conflict or about a sensitive topic.
- there are topics that I can’t bring up unless I want WW3.
- She’s always been super intense about cleaning and clutter. Something can’t be out of place in her house or it “hurts her nerves”. If my room wasn’t up to magazine clean standards as a kid she would come in and start grabbing stuff and putting it in a garbage bag to throw it away or take to goodwill. She always has something negative to say about my house or yard if she comes over even though I am clean and organized but not up to her standards.
- she admits she does “retail therapy” and shops all the time but she makes a lot of money so she can afford it. She says it’s making up for being poor as a kid.
- She took pets to the pound so many times when I was growing up, put my dog to sleep without telling me while I was away at college. I had an awesome cat but found out I was allergic to cats so I had to rehome it. She wanted it and convinced me to let her take it. She very soon after had it declawed. She would always make a point to say how much the cat loved her when I came over. Recently she called me to tell me the cat died. When I asked for more info she told me the cat had been puking a lot so she closed it up out of sight in a downstairs bathroom and came back a day later to find her dead. She never took her to the vet or told me she was sick. I was very upset and felt like I should have found a better home for the cat.
- if I ask her not to do something she takes it personally.
- she says lots of passive agressive things to me about my choices.
- she’s terrible to people in the service industry, it’s embarrassing.
- she thinks it is ridiculous that I am health conscious and watch what I eat plus take vitamins. My dad has to hide that he takes vitamins from her. She seems to try to sabotage my effort to be healthy because I think it makes her feel like she didn’t feed us well enough growing up or something.
- calls my at least twice a day and gets hurt if I don’t answer.
- she offers to.do or buy things but it must be on her terms.
- she calls me a control freak when we have a disagreement and I’m always the cause for her acting mean.
- growing up she was unpredictable, often pinching (she called it the pinch of death), hitting with wooden spoons or other objects or slapping when she was upset with my brother and I.
- guilt tripping is one way she tried to control me. I’m just now beginning to see it in action and try to not let it impact me.
Gosh I could go on but this is emotionally tiring.
Personally,
I’ve always struggled with self esteem, setting boundaries, being too nice to people to the point of it being harmful to me. I’ve been in abusive romantic relationships, not my current one thank God. I have trouble making friends and seem to befriend people who aren’t available in one way or another. I know I’m not perfect and definitely have things to work on. I don’t handle conflict well. I find myself shutting down when someone raises their voice. I over analyze things. I think I’m socially awkward although I’ve been told I’m not
. I feel like I’m not good enough for whatever reason and whatever situation. I’m a perfectionist. Sometimes I over share and sometimes I put walls up. I have trust issues.
I feel like now that I’m the only child, I am even more burdened with helping her and being there for her. Things have definitely become squirrelly since my brother died because the dynamic we had settled into of coping is no more.
Anyways, what did you do when you first began to realize things weren’t right and your family wasn’t as normal as you thought? Those of you with kids, how did you protect them from it all? Is it possible to have a relationship even though I know it will probably never be the one I hoped for? Was there things outside of therapy that helped you? I want to go when I can afford it and I do have a therapist in mind but now is just not possible.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading! I am grateful to have a safe space to share. Happy healing journey to you all!
