How did your bpd ex control or manipulate you into a relationship/marriage

[527East]

I just like to know what non bpds had their ex do to them that made them fall in love, get in a relationship, move in with them quickly, get married quickly, or even conceive a child.  What tactics did your bpd ex do that you fell for?  This could be a fun thread to read.

[Thedubman123]

The number one tactic that my ex bpd used to draw me in was Sex. During the idolization phase the sex is what drew me in. It was fun, passionate, and spontaneous. She was also super caring, would always cook me dinner, would always insist on paying for things, would get me gifts, buy me flowers (never had a woman buy me flowers before). Then of course, once the idolization phase ended, it completely went to PLEASE READ. She became physically and verbally abusive, started lying about everything, and the last month of the relationship she was cheating on me left and right. The only thing that stayed consistent through out the relationship was the sex. But great sex is never worth loosing yourself and happiness over.

[BrokenSpokane]

As thedubman experienced, it was primarily the sex that roped me in. Having sex with her was fun, yes, but it was like a porno movie. What she'd verbalize during sex and the dirty talk was pretty intense. It wasn't the best sex I've had, but it was frequent, experimental and could be dirty. But, I now realize it was all about control, not love.

In the beginning she made me feel so special, unique. She would say I'm a wonderful father, smart, driven, handsome, etc. She knew I was a nice guy and played into that. It was all about control, not love. But I fell for it.

Another thing she'd do to manipulate and control me was to tell me lies and tell me she'd do X if I didn't do Y. The biggest example of manipulation was buying a new house. After we got engaged (11/2017, wedding to be 12/31/18), she wanted to buy a bigger house. I was trying to hold off on this, for it was already September, the end of prime house selling season. I'd have to sell my house, she'd sell hers. On top of that I was starting a new teaching job (first year HS teacher with no experience, teaching 5 separate classes) and I was still running my web design business, teaching and running my karate school and we were planning a wedding that was happening in 3 months. I didn't want to add to what was going on. Besides, I was happy to move into her house, for here's was a much cheaper mortgage and everyone had a room. Moving wasn't necessary. We argued about it, I didn't want to move, there was too much going on. I wanted to wait until spring. She got me to agree by saying that she was going to take her son and move into an apartment in Cheney (town where she wanted to move). So, I went along with moving. So, we rented out my house, sold hers and moved in January 8th of this year. I of course paid for all the moving expenses: truck, storage unit (she never paid for anything). And of course I loaded and unloaded most of the stuff myself. Two 28' truck loads of her stuff.

She would also manipulate me into staying behind instead of going to poker night with the guys. I'd leave, then she text me an old argument knowing that I'd turn around. Sure enough, I did.

She would belittle me in liking certain things or doing certain things. When my daughter had her driving test, she tried to get me to stay home by belittling me. "What, you're going to sit in the back seat and hold her hand?" And, "sitting in the waiting room twiddling your thumbs while she's taking her test... That's being supportive?". I did go to the test, for I felt it was important to be supportive. It's my daughter's driving test. She berated me in person and on the phone for doing that. By the time I got home I wanted to break up with her, for I couldn't take all the belittling she'd been doing (this obviously want the first time). She begged me to stay.

I did all the chores in the house. Change the cat box, vacuum, clean up her dog's pee every day, do the dishes, clean the floors, walk the dogs and yard work to make a few. I'd bring up that I felt unappreciated and she'd just say that I'd be doing those things whether she lived there or not (I never would own a cat). She just sat on the couch all the time on her phone (Facebook and texting her FP).

It wasn't a marriage or partnership at all. I paid for 70% of all mortgage/expenses and extra things that would come up. I paid for dinners, vacations, the wedding (she didn't even blink an eye ordering an extra $1,000 worth of extras at the wedding either).

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 527East, I was naive and highly susceptible to manipulation.  I lacked good boundaries.  My self-esteem was low and I didn't really know myself.  I had no experience with personality disorders and was quick to assume the blame my Ex transferred to me.  I had unresolved trauma from childhood which kept me hooked in an unhealthy situation.  When others would have run for the hills, I came back for more.  First and foremost, I ignored my gut feelings.

Yet going through the BPD crucible proved crucial to my recovery.  From pain came new growth.  It was the catalyst for change.  I fell down, but I got back up again.

LuckyJim

[lenfan]

All of the Above  . . . Your stories are all very similar, if not identical, to mine and reminded me of my first post on this site back in 2017. I'm going to cut and paste the portion that applies to 527's post:

 "I was very inexperienced, insecure, eager- to- please and play the role of a hero when we met.  I was very vulnerable to idealization from a beautiful accomplished woman who seemed to think I could do no wrong, even when I told her all my faults in plain English. She quickly won over all my family and friends. Now I see that there were some small early warning signs that I dismissed at the time and ignored as we got deeper into the relationship. I was just starting my career and my father had passed away not too long before she started putting the pressure on to get married. . From what I have read, I was a perfect target for a bpd."

She definitely roped me in with sex. She was very skillful.  Aside from the fact that I had never experienced such intense pleasure before, my religious upbringing added a level of guilt that made me more vulnerable to the marriage pressure. One of the few differences between my story and Thedubman's is that the sex petered out after she became a mother. It has been down to zero for several years. I'm still on the "Bettering a Relationship Board" mostly, but the 527's original question, and your answers, struck a chord with me.   Tomorrow is my birthday and with that and a New Year,  I have been looking back on how I got to this point in my life. The best take away I can come up with is that I lacked the knowledge I have now and pretty much things played out as would be expected under the circumstances, even doing my best. As manipulative as it all was, I don't think it was a conscious plan on her part. It just seemed to happen instinctively. I'm trying to get over anger and disappointment. No blame for her or me. Things are what they are.

Wish me luck, I am going to make a shameless appeal for birthday sex tonight. Expectations are not high, but might as well try.

[BrokenSpokane]

I was naive and highly susceptible to manipulation.  I lacked good boundaries.  My self-esteem was low and I didn't really know myself.  I had no experience with personality disorders and was quick to assume the blame my Ex transferred to me.  I had unresolved trauma from childhood which kept me hooked in an unhealthy situation.  When others would have run for the hills, I came back for more.  First and foremost, I ignored my gut feelings.

Yet going through the BPD crucible proved crucial to my recovery.  From pain came new growth.  It was the catalyst for change.  I fell down, but I got back up again.

I can so relate to everything you just said. That's me too. Even when she cheated on me a month before the wedding I still went through with it. I had no self-esteem. I too assumed all the blame she would throw at me. Never once did I think that it was her or that she had a mental disorder. All me. Wasn't until I and we went to therapy that it was pointed out to me that it's not my fault.

[rainyboi]

For me it was the "secrets" she told me. Some very, very heavy stuff that made me reveal a lot of of my deepest secrets to her unfortunately. If I was to guess probably only a fraction of her secrets were even real and were to either garner sympathy or for me to reveal more about myself.
Also her being extremely poor and me being very well off gave me the role of hero, coming to save her, get her on the right path to an enjoyable career for her, move in, etc.
This was my first real relationship even though I'm in my mid twenties (pretty unheard of I know). I had no clue what a relationship was supposed to be like so I just tried my best assuming everything was semi-normal. Was very mistaken obviously.
Also the sex as others mentioned was used it as a "reward" for me, hurt me immensely when she finally said something to the extent of "if you get me a bird I'll have sex with you everyday for a week". I think when I called her out on this it was the downfall of the relationship.

[rainyboi]

In the beginning she made me feel so special, unique. She would say I'm a wonderful father, smart, driven, handsome, etc. She knew I was a nice guy and played into that. It was all about control, not love. But I fell for it.

God do I relate to that, I was never even allowed to touch her. It always had to be her initiating it. If I tried to touch her it was "I was abused I dont like people touching me" which was an obvious lie.
Also bit me, gave me visible hickeys, etc. all of which I thought was sexual but really it was control and submission, and not in the way I would ever wish on someone.

[Lucky Jim]

I had no self-esteem. I too assumed all the blame she would throw at me. Never once did I think that it was her or that she had a mental disorder. All me. Wasn't until I and we went to therapy that it was pointed out to me that it's not my fault.

Hey BrokenSpokane, No, it wasn't all your fault, yet those w/BPD have a way of blaming us Nons for their disorder, which it gets it off their plate and onto ours.  I took on her problems and it sounds like you did, too.  It's all a form of manipulation, or F-O-G, in my view.  It seemed noble to play the role of White Knight.  Took me a long time to grasp that my "rescuing" efforts were unhealthy for her as well as me.

LJ

[WindofChange]

My ex-dBPD boyfriend drew me in first by telling me about the death of his preemie son years ago, aroused my sympathy. Then I found him charming and appealing. We had an intense attraction to each other. Love bombing followed and, after years in an unhappy marriage, I was hooked. We left our spouses for each other. Over 8 years together total. 6 years ago, I did something that upset him (inappropriate friendship with someone -- nothing physical but still wrong). Even though it was short term, only a month or so, my ex was deeply hurt, which is understandable. But he never let me forget it. I felt so guilty, I put up with the emotional punishment for the next six years. A few recycles, a few suicide threats on his part over the years. A little over 2 months ago, he broke up this time. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety, and it hit me really hard. I was devastated by the rejection. I tried for 7 weeks to get him back. Finally, 2 weeks ago, after he had said many hurtful, punishing things to me, I decided it was time to move on. I sent him a goodbye email, and decided to close the door on the relationship for good (and nail a board over it). Since then, he's been contacting me by email trying to get me back. I said no. Some hints about suicide, I told him to call his therapist, and I contacted his best friend to tell him to check on him. The suicide threats and guilt trips over the years have been hardest to deal with for me.

[dt9000]

I was attracted to being idolized. My BPD told me I was the most amazing, incredible, attractive, funny, etc person they ever met and I ate it up. I was young, somewhat insecure and thought I had met my soulmate because of how highly she regarded me.

The final hook was her faking pregnancy. I proposed a few weeks later, because I thought that was what a respectable partner should do, and then found out just prior to the wedding, that she was never pregnant in the first place.

dt9000

[BrokenSpokane]

Hey BrokenSpokane, No, it wasn't all your fault, yet those w/BPD have a way of blaming us Nons for their disorder, which it gets it off their plate and onto ours.  I took on her problems and it sounds like you did, too.  It's all a form of manipulation, or F-O-G, in my view.  It seemed noble to play the role of White Knight.  Took me a long time to grasp that my "rescuing" efforts were unhealthy for her as well as me.

LJ

Exactly. I hear ya. Through therapy I've learned that I'm a Caretaker. I give and give and give without any concern or love for myself. I depleted myself spiritually and emotionally. I was being told over and over that I wasn't doing enough. She kept saying I wasn't showing her I loved her. No matter what I'd do or say, adjustments, efforts fell on deaf ears and soul. That's not healthy either. Because I'm a Caretaker, I put other's needs ahead of mine. This is what a BPD actually wants in a relationship. A normal, secure woman, would pick up on my traits and put the brakes on. A BPD however would welcome me with open arms, seduce me and set me up to be controlled and manipulated.

The great thing is I recognize that now and I'm working hard to fix that so I won't be a caretaker in my next relationship.