My Mother is a Stranger

[overit2020]

My mom has shown signs of BPD for I would say...all my life.
If you don't agree with her, you are against her.
If you are against her- you are out.
Fits of rage at strangers and family members/friends.
She brags about hating people and wanting to be alone.
She has talked about not wanting to live anymore.

As I have gotten older it has gotten worse, to the point where she has basically written off everyone around her and in her life except my dad.

The verbal abuse- I have had it with. She tells me she hates me, I'm dead to her, I'm disloyal, I'm an a**hole and a c***, an ungrateful daughter, etc. 
The verbal abuse can be over anything, this past Sunday it was because I didn't take a video of my son getting his hair cut.
She caused a scene right before my baby shower, wedding shower, basically any big moment in my life- she will make it about her.
I'm just at the point where I don't need or want the drama.

She will not get help, plays the victim, will never apologize and my dad is enabling her.
I look at her and just think she is pathetic, I don't recognize the shell of a person she has become.
I have this empty hole where I should have love for her- I feel nothing. 

I know she has a mental illness but her lack of understanding and willingness to get help angers me. So I just want to know how to go about moving on I guess...

[Harri]

Hi overit and welcome to the board.   

You mentioned many of the behaviors a lot of us have dealt with so you are not alone and are with people who understand.  Some of us are just learning and others have been working on recovery for a while now but we all support each other and learn through sharing.

I know she has a mental illness but her lack of understanding and willingness to get help angers me. So I just want to know how to go about moving on I guess...

The lack of understanding and unwillingness to get help can be a part of the disorder.  pwBPD (people with BPD) experience shame at their core and when dysregulated will use defense strategies to protect their self. 

When you say you want to move on, what do you mean? 

I hope you settle in and read and jump into other posts.  We all work together here and help each other.

Again,

[overit2020]

Thank you Harri, it is nice to have a safe space to talk about what is going on. I find that it's almost unbelievable to some, so it's difficult to find people that understand, unless they have experienced it themselves.
To give you some background- I am an only child from my parents. I do have a half brother, same mom different dad who is 15 years older than me and a drug addict. I will be turning 40 this next year.
My brother is a huge trigger for mom, who feels an enormous amount of guilt for the path he has chosen.
My parents moved to a different state when I was 24, so we do not live near each other. I talk to them twice a day which might be part of the problem.
I have a 13 month old son and I send photos and FaceTime as often as I can.
I know I need to limit my contact and involvement. I already told my dad I won't be speaking to her after her last episode of abuse.
I just feel bad for my dad, and also don't want to regret cutting her out of my life, but our relationship isn't healthy and she is toxic.
When she goes off the rails if will stay with me and effect things in my life and my mood- which isn't right.
I want to make sure I am giving my work, husband and son 100% of myself but instead I have anxiety about my mom trying to kill herself, or drinking and taking the car, freaking out and picking a new victim to verbally abuse... I just can't do it anymore.
I don't want my son to grow up without a grandmother, but I also don't want to expose him to her toxicity and negativity. I just never thought I would be in this position so moving on from it and letting go of the disappointment seems a little daunting...