Venting about blow up with brother and questions about Bipolar versus BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

At the end of my parents and brother's Christmas visit, I had a major blow up with my brother.  I think I have finally hit the point where I see clearly that, despite much progress he has made, the rules of the relationship are still defined by him.  I am finally at the place where I need to draw the line and say that if it doesn't become a two way relationship where my experiences and emotions are heard, then there will not be one.

In this instance, what triggered me was when he called because he got mad at our 81 year old mother and my mother and father acted like he may hit her.  Almost the first words out of his mouth were that he hasn't hit anyone since he was 17 and he is a 46 year old man. I will admit this time it was me who lost it.  I shouted at him more than I have ever.  There is a long history of mental and emotional abuse and physical intimidation that lasted well into my 30's. However, he has never acknowledged that the "almost hitting me" was still abuse and looked for recognition and validation that he has done so much to refrain from actually hitting us.  He does not get to define how we react to him.  He does not get to dump his rage on me in the guise of me "emotionally supporting" him. 

I remained calm after my fit of yelling (thank god on phone and then texts) and have indicated that if he gets to a point that we can have a conversation where he honestly listens to me, then we can talk.  I don't know if he will ever be capable of that.  I also am not going to have any further contact until I can work through it with my therapist and that I know he has talked to his therapist.  Ideally, any conversation will be with a therapist although we do have a geography issue.

One of the things that my sister and I have been questioning is if he is mis (or not fully) diagnosed.  He has been treated as rapid cycling bi-polar since he was 20. However, the more we read about borderline personality, the more it seems to fit.  He is completely self-centered.  Everything is colored by how it relates to his thoughts, his emotions.  He holds the family hostage.  He takes umbrage at innocuous things I said.  Everything is how much he has worked.  how much he has suffered.  How difficult being in our family is for him.

Anyone have any experience with someone who is diagnosed bi-polar but was BPD?  Or someone who has both?  How do you distinguish between the two?

[britton]

Hello,

At the end of my parents and brother's Christmas visit, I had a major blow up with my brother.  I think I have finally hit the point where I see clearly that, despite much progress he has made, the rules of the relationship are still defined by him.  I am finally at the place where I need to draw the line and say that if it doesn't become a two way relationship where my experiences and emotions are heard, then there will not be one.

In this instance, what triggered me was when he called because he got mad at our 81 year old mother and my mother and father acted like he may hit her.  Almost the first words out of his mouth were that he hasn't hit anyone since he was 17 and he is a 46 year old man. I will admit this time it was me who lost it.  I shouted at him more than I have ever.  There is a long history of mental and emotional abuse and physical intimidation that lasted well into my 30's. However, he has never acknowledged that the "almost hitting me" was still abuse and looked for recognition and validation that he has done so much to refrain from actually hitting us.  He does not get to define how we react to him.  He does not get to dump his rage on me in the guise of me "emotionally supporting" him. 

I remained calm after my fit of yelling (thank god on phone and then texts) and have indicated that if he gets to a point that we can have a conversation where he honestly listens to me, then we can talk.  I don't know if he will ever be capable of that.  I also am not going to have any further contact until I can work through it with my therapist and that I know he has talked to his therapist.  Ideally, any conversation will be with a therapist although we do have a geography issue.

One of the things that my sister and I have been questioning is if he is mis (or not fully) diagnosed.  He has been treated as rapid cycling bi-polar since he was 20. However, the more we read about borderline personality, the more it seems to fit.  He is completely self-centered.  Everything is colored by how it relates to his thoughts, his emotions.  He holds the family hostage.  He takes umbrage at innocuous things I said.  Everything is how much he has worked.  how much he has suffered.  How difficult being in our family is for him.

Anyone have any experience with someone who is diagnosed bi-polar but was BPD?  Or someone who has both?  How do you distinguish between the two?

[Turkish]

Hi britton,

I'm glad no one was hit, but what a thing to deal with on Christmas.

We have a discussion here which might help:  COMPARISON: BiPolar Disorder vs BPD

He could also have both. 

A person with BPD has trouble regulating their emotions. Underlying that is the thought that their feelings are irrelevant and worthless,  and therefore they feel that they are irrelevant and worthless (unworthy of love). Holidays and such events can be huge triggers. Does this feel familiar?

[britton]

Completely.  He is constantly focused on how the family thinks his feelings are irrelevant but it is to the point that all of ours actually are to him.  It is those descriptions while my sister and I have been reading that we have started to wonder if he has BPD, perhaps in addition to bipolar.  I will check out the link.  Thank you!