PJ it's good to have you back!
I've been wondering about how you were doing
You know, when I read your posts about H, it's pretty clear he's stuck wanting to believe the myth he must hold about his mom being a great mom.
About 5 years ago, my H was going through something similar with his sister. I'm confident she has some kind of PD, but can't say what. She's just so destructive in her relationship with my H, and also at least 2 of her DIL (who I heard say they can't "stand" her), and also her mom (who is now deceased), and who knows who else. Could write a book about her too. At any rate, she was treating my H horribly, and playing all the same shan-an-a-gans that we all write about on here with our BPD SO's. Anyways, back then, I kept pointing out the facts to my H, "supporting him", and I suppose huffing about his sister's daily antics. My H resisted all of it. He got annoyed with
me. Of course I couldn't stop pointing out what she was doing because it was so crazy and so hurtful and destructive (and clearly about POWER), and the more I pointed it out, the more defensive my H became. It was definitely affecting our marriage, because she was invading our life daily, and he just wasn't ready to accept that his family wasn't perfect. I can't remember what the breakthrough was, but eventually it came. I wish I could tell you more about why it came or how it came. But I can't remember. It's all a
hellish blur. He's been LC ever since. Only communicates with her about his dad - a few times a year at most. Once his dad passes, he acknowledges he will probably have NC with her.
See where I'm going with this?
Somebody recently posted about a breakthrough event. I think that's what I had with my mom last summer. I think that's what my H
eventually had with his sister.
I hope that's what your H eventually has too. You see his mom for what she is. Your H is still not seeing it. I'm hoping his breakthrough event will come.
In the meantime, I've had a very small taste (compared to you) of what it's like to not be on the same page as a spouse. I remember how frustrating and painful it was for me to observe and participate in what was going on with his sister, and for him to be in such
denial. It definitely brought stress into the marriage, daily. And that compounds over time of course. But my H's breakthrough did come. Now he supports me with my BPD mom. I've mused that I think his sister was the training ground for navigating our struggles with my mom.
I can only hope your H has his breakthrough event. I have nothing to offer about how to facilitate that happening sooner for your sake. Maybe others do. Or maybe he just has to figure it out himself in his own time.
"Next year maybe this will be different."
The fact that he said this gives me hope
. It suggests that on some level he is recognizing that something is wrong. This is a good thing
"Just called to wish you a Happy New Year, son. I now have pneumonia."
OK, again I'm hopeful that one of these comments or actions will one time be one too many, and the breakthrough event will happen.
Meanwhile, we're here for you.
Good to have you back.
