I love this reflecting. Thank you, FF... I can't speak enough about how healing it is.
My journey started 19yrs ago when I got engaged to my husband where, from the moment the ring was on my finger, my inlaws became intrusive, entitled and positioning. It created a lot of conflict. After thousands of dollars of counselling for anxiety, one day a therapist directed me here. It was reading through this site that I had an "aha" moment... and that was this;
"they don't actually care what I feel". I knew my husband saw most of the treatment as benign. But on one occasion I confronted it. He got to witness the unfolding gaslighting and dehumanisation. The less I said - the more they raged and showed their true colours to us both.
The most troubling thing/s I learned;
~ that my lack of individuation, autonomy and trauma history had meant I had allowed the gaslighting and alienation. I coped by digging deep into my story and sharing it with trusted others/ therapists.
~ that they would act so divisively in my marriage and family. I coped by educating myself and them, and holding very clear boundaries such as "when you do that, I feel alone and that my trust is broken. I need XYZ". Or - "it's interesting they are talking to you, but not actually talking to me?" Or - "I'm not being difficult here, I'm just asking for adult considerations."
~ that they wouldn't change. I coped by disengaging and establishing for myself, my bottom line of needs for any sort of reconciliation. That bottom line got really low overtime...
I need an apologyI need acknowledgement of mutual painI need to hear that we just need a new beginningI need one positive statement about meToday: I'm only interested in mutual respect and where there is none, there is no relationship.
The most empowering thing I learned was: My autonomy is valuable and I am enough.
That gave me the courage to focus my life on what is good, beautiful, healthy and to begin to learn to wean myself off the protective/survival mode of functioning.
Going forward
~ I am now studying to be a therapist myself with a passion for working with children and young people experiencing trauma - including standing up to systemic toxicity
~ Is it strange to say that I feel glad for all I've been through?
~ Every day I set aside one hour to journal and process the anger/pain/regret/grief/loss/trauma/confusion etc of everything. I do this without self-judgment and allow myself to tune into my bodies experience. I often write letters to them - sometimes the same one over and over, in which I tell them my reality - and then I delete them knowing they will never get it. Never see my side. However, lately, I have found my letters have become more of a thankyou. A thank you for the opportunity to get grounded and to work through my own story. I wouldn't wish this journey on a single soul, but I also know I wouldn't be where I am today without it either.
So...can you describe your journey some? I know for me, there were times (not many) when I wished I could be back in the old days of ignorance.
What were some of the more troubling things you learned? How did you cope?
What were some of the more empowering things you learned? How did those change your life?
And...maybe the million dollar question (to be answered after a few of your favorite beverages)...what's the next step for kiwigal
Best,
FF
