Been away from group a long time but still having same old problems

[djesquire]

Hello everyone. I've been married to my spouse with BPD for twenty years! Still struggle with the same old issues. Things will be fine for a while, then he will blow up over nothing and have a screaming fit. I will go to room and cry; then swear to myself I need to leave. A few days later he will get better or I will just get over it (somewhat) until the next time. Of course there are other issues such as the anxiety and depression that plagues my family of origin. Have a brother who is alcoholic and bipolar. Another sister lives with her husband's brother. Her husband committed suicide about four years ago. I had a mental breakdown of some type about a year ago and had to give up my professional business but I now work at an easier job.
We have an 18 year old daughter who is in college and H has a twenty six year old daughter from another marriage.
Even though H has exhibited the classic behavior for as long as I've known him, I'm still taken by surprise at most outbursts. I am looking for a "catch phrase" to use when he erupts so I can leave the room. I'll just use that phrase for a while and then try a new one. It would be something like "sorry you feel so bad. I think I'll go work on organizing that closet (something that he'd be thrilled about  if Ι'd actually do). Anyone had success with anything like this?  Thank you.

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[UBPDHelp]

Hi djesquire,

I am not an expert, but am in a similar situation so just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I am so sorry you are going through this.

We have very specific “triggers” but it has become such that every single thing can (in his mind only) be connected so there is no longer any safe place — not physical, just mental/emotional — but if it had been physical, it would have been so easy to identify as abuse.

Every discussion was an attempt to put “issues” to bed, but as it turns out, were just fodder smoldering beneath the surface to erupt at a perceived threat. For “typical” reactors, these things aren’t big issues (or at least could be resolved AND moved on), but for my H, they are the end of the world.

Just saying, you are not alone and I totally get the unending cycle and all of a sudden it’s 20 years later and like how did I get here?

Virtual hugs to you.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome back, djesquire! I'm sorry you've been going through so much.

The cycle can be exhausting, can't it?

I'm sorry to say that I haven't really had much success just yet with my H and finding the right phrase or action. I think it takes a lot of trial and error. In our case, we have an agreed upon "safe word." When used, both parties agree to go to separate rooms for a set amount of time (30 minutes in our case) to cool off, then come back together and discuss more calmly. If either party is still worked up, the process repeats. We've only had to use it a couple of times. The second time, it worked. The first, it didn't because H kept trying to follow me and talk to me.

Saying you're going to go organize a closet or something is good. You might want to throw in something like, "I need to take a little time to think over what you said." Something that makes it clear that you care about what he thinks and feels and you're going to give it thought and attention.