Mixed messages after breakup and cancer diagnosis

[Lifeinthefastlane]

I’m really struggling. My ubpdex g/f broke up with me 2 months ago— 10 seconds after telling me she had cancer. She said she wasnt happy and i deserved someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me. She wouldnt let me come over and barely spoke. She always had to get off the phone. Each time I called, we spoke for 2 mins and she had to go-she said she would call and she didnt. For 5 days i tried-no response to texts.

So i sent text saying i was giving her space in a positive way and that whenever she wanted me to be there i would and that I wanted to be. 3 weeks later a friend of hers called to say I was terrible for not contacting ex and i should have tried harder (sent flowers, candy, banged down the door). My ex told her friends that she said i could be her friend but I hadnt called her. (The previous month she had given me the silent treatment for 15 of 30 days b/c i shared a feeling that i was sad when she asked me what i was feeling).

After her friend called, I text’d my ex. She and i then talked for a few mins on phone. She said I could help (she has 2 kids and needed surgery) so she told me to contact the friend who was coordinating the schedule. I contacted the friend (the same mean one) who never responded. My ex called me the next day after i let her know that i contacted the friend and hadnt heard back. My ex spoke with the friend and the friend said everything was covered so no help was needed.

Anyways fast forward a week before her surgery in mid-Dec: my ex and I spoke by phone-she said i couldnt be at the surgery/nor have contact with her because i was a trigger for her. She couldnt get emotional and had to be non-emotional in prep for surgery. . She had mixed feelings but blamed me for the 3 weeks of no contact after she told me about her cancer. She was very upset with me. Yet she said i could call/text her, but not every day. She said we could talk moee in a few months.  on the days of the surgery I was a wreck. After the surgery I told the person taking care of her that there was no need to update me anymore, but if my ex wanted, she could. I asked her to pass on a positive message to her. My ex had taken the blanket i had sent her to give her strength to the hospital.  I also told the person taking care of her (a different mutual friend) that I needed to let her go -that friendships are 2-ways and its not healthy for me to have this 1-way communication with my ex anymore.  My ex then called me less than 24 hrs later.  We spoke for an hour. You could tell she was having a hard time. In addition to the masectomy, they took lymph nodes to test.

A week later I called and she was at the doctors. Asked about lymph node results, which weren’t in. My ex put her daughter on the phone. Overall my ex seemed happy i called and had asked me what i was doing for the holidays and asked if i had been going out with my friends, which was wierd. Why would she ask that?  Then she had to go.

So that was 2 weeks ago. I havent called her. She hasnt contacted me. I’m terrified about the lymph node results.  I am so confused by her mixed messages. I cant contact her again because i’ve done all this initiating of communication these last 2 months and rarely had the response.

Here’s the issue:
I feel guilty like i did something wrong by not running over to her place(even though I asked so many times and she said no, but with her bpd, I think that meant I was supposed to go anyway.)

What am i supposed to do?
What does she want?
I dont want to be in a relationship again. I do want to support her with her cancer esp because the doc already wants her to have chemo regardless of test results.

Ps we are a same sex relationship. Had been together for 2 years. This is our second go at the relationship. She broke up with me 2.5 yrs ago after my dad died and then we got back together.

[Turkish]

PwBPD feel core shame, that they are unworthy of being loved. She wanted you to "fight harder" to prove her worth. Not yours, hers though on the surface (and possibly to the friend), it seemed the opposite. 

You were trying to do the right thing and were treated disrespefully by both her and the friend.  As my T said, "there's nothing wrong with being kind," and you were.  Did she exhibit the same grace after your dad died? Regardless, you've done the right thing that I think I would have done, and it speaks to your integrity.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Turkish..This is so helpful.

I feel so much guilt. When she initially broke up with me by phone, I sent her a text to let her know I would still be there for her as she needs it. She sent me a text saying “no thank you.” She told me not to fight for her -she wasn’t happy and that she didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.

I feel guilty b/c 3 days later I sat in her parking lot and didnt go inside. My friends advised me not to knock on her door-and to respect her space. But deep down I feel like I must have known I was supposed to go right away to her house. It’s cancer and could be serious.

So now 2 months later, I am at 16 days with no contact. I had spoken with her before christmas. She wants me to be a “friend” but I can’t do this 1-way communication anymore. A few days ago she “liked” a post my friend put on Facebook(I wasn’t in the pic). it was odd for her to “like” her post because my ex hadn’t reacted to any of her posts for a year and a half. . My ex and I are not connected on social media. I also defriended the mean friend of hers on 12/28. My ex is connected (facebook friend) to my friend S. My friend S thinks it is important for her to post pics when we go out so my ex knows I’m living life.  I feel like my ex was sending a message because it was on 1/1. NEw year’s eve 3 yrs ago was when we had our 1st kiss. 

I think my ex wants me to keep contacting her (just not every day she said)  i may be triggered because this is what happened last time(eg 2.5 weeks no contact her friend contacted me and yelled at me). The thing is I miss her and I want to support her if she wants it. The cancer I feel is very serious .

How am I supposed to interpret this “liking” thing she did with my friend’s post?

What do you think will happen next?

I’m also still receiving the weekly phone call updates from her daughter’s school (dont know if I’m still the emergency contact).

It feels good to not be the one initiating the contact because she took advantage of me and blamed me a lot. But what happens if she calls? I want to be there. i havent even seen her since she was diagnosed.

[Turkish]

"S", possibly well-meaning, is triangulating. It cam be mental torture to try and predict the motivations of our exes.  Almost 7 years out, I can sometimes do so to this day.  This is important:  attachment doesn't necessarily go away after a break up, and this is true for both sides, and others like your friend "S" can complicate that, not to mention the connections from social media. 

You can let her go, but with grace, as you have. We have a great thread on this board discussing this (can someone find and post it? I'll keep searching...).

[Mutt]

You are truly a great friend with how you want to keep supporting your ex during a time that I would think that would be very scary and emotionally distressing but you keep wanting to be there for her.

She’s not displaying gratitude from what you shared here this must be so hard for you wanting to be there but being shut out at the same time with your ex talking to you intermittently.

You are an amazing person for navigating through your own pain and wounds while trying to help your ex with hers.

You mentioned that the school still contacts you and I sense that it may be a sign from your ex that she hasn’t completely shut the door on you. The mixed messages telegraph that she feels something for you but there’s a lot going on right now for her and I agree with Turkish we became a source of shame for a pwBPD especially when she that you were a trigger.

Hearing something like that from your ex someone that you were really close too that is now explicitly pushing you away and they are blaming their bad behavior on you when you are going above and beyond with trying to be supportive - that has to really hurt a lot.

My advise is to do nothing - you’ve let your intentions be known and she hasn’t expressed gratitude. I’d stay in the middle and not take sides with her friends and your ex - remain neutral so that it removes you from drama so that it’s less distressing for you.

If she contacts I wouldn’t talk about the r/s that you had and I’m not suggesting that you are if you’re not keep doing that and I wouldn’t mention the cancer it’s a subject that for whatever reason she’s keeping close to her right now. Let her come to you and let her raise the subject about cancer treatment.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Mutt and Turkish. Your responses are helping get through each day as I feel my friends don’t understand so well, though they try.

I appreciate what you said about me trying to me a good friend. I think I tried and have to let ho if some guilt maybe? Of course I am very scared about the severity of our cancer since she didnt tell me the results of the lymph node tests. The doc had already advised chemo but my Ex wanted to wait for those results. I don’t think she is trying to hurt me personally by not telling me, but wouldn’t she know that I would be worried. Why wouldn’t she call and at least let me know?

On Saturday-i see a mutual friend of ours who may know and I honestly dont know if I should or should not ask. I’m leaning toward asking so my imagination will stop going crazy with possibilities. Maybe if the lymph nodes are clear, I won’t feel as guilty?

Can you help me understand this? My Ex put my name down as a reference for a school application, but she didnt tell me, nor ask me. I dont know if she is trying to use my title to give her app more credit? Anyways i just received an email from the school on Monday. Again, I had rec’d no email/text/call from my Ex about this or anything in 2.5 weeks.  Why would she do that? I am very angry about this and at the same time, dont want to be the cause of an incomplete application.  I also do not want to initiate the contact with her b/c I wonder if this is manipulation on her part? Why would she do this? She has others she can ask? I have no professional reference to give for her. I can only give a personal reference.

What do you mean by the following-esp the part about the shame? Why am I source of shame? What does she want from me? Why so many games?

You mentioned that the school still contacts you and I sense that it may be a sign from your ex that she hasn’t completely shut the door on you. The mixed messages telegraph that she feels something for you but there’s a lot going on right now for her and I agree with Turkish we became a source of shame for a pwBPD especially when she that you were a trigger.

I’ll definitely follow the advice you said about if she calls-though honestly I really do want to tell her how much she hurt me. How come you think that might not be a good idea?

Thanks for all this. It is helping me be able to sleep at night.

[Turkish]

Good form and professionalism would  for her to ask you to be to ask you to be a reference. She's crossing a line using you.  I'd ignore it. She's splitting you good/bad. Could you in good conscience give the personal reference without being a Rescuer?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Turkish for your reply.

I agree and was so shocked and then angry when I got the email from the school.

What do you mean she’s splitting me good/bad?

About the reference, I guess I could talk about some large scale initiative she helped me with in her job. 

Rescuer? Is this rescuer? I guess she could ask other people so I didnt necessarily see it like rescuing? Is this a bad thing in this context?

All this is helpful as i’m learning and so worried for her.

[Mutt]

Why would she do this? She has others she can ask?

Has she burnt bridges with these other people that she could ask? I think that she probably needs this and either she’s burnt other people in the past with something like this and you might be the only one that she can go to.

She probably knows that she’s hurt you and doesn’t want to talk to you because she doesn’t want to be reminded of it.

What do you mean by the following-esp the part about the shame? Why am I source of shame? What does she want from me? Why so many games?

We become a reminder of their dysfunctional behavior. If you talk to someone that you have hurt immensely everyday although you blame others for your behavior, it will still be a reminder of how bad your behaviors are.

It’s a reminder that there is something fundamentally defective with how I behave. Because of how I act I have sabotaged another relationship, this is another failed r/s to remind me of that fact

If I don’t interact with this person that I’ve caused a lot of pain too, wouldn’t the shameful reminders lessen? Wouldn’t it become easier with avoidance and enough time has passed to deal with it?

[Turkish]

What do you mean she’s splitting me good/bad?

I found what my ex wrote in her journal about me while she was all living with me but in another r/s, "Thank you God for both [affair guy] and Turkish!"

Taken most cynically, she was using me, was angry and hurt and done romantically, but was using me for free room and board until she could move out while living a double life.  Maybe...

Yet I don't think it was hatred, but more that she realized my god side while being oblivious to the pain she was causing me. She needed something, either emotional or physical, and reached out, like your ex. 

I think it's up to you whether you want to lend your reputation as a recommendation. To this day,  I would be on the fence whether to give my ex a personal reference; I've always recognized that she did her job well and helps people.  She works for a nationally recognized non-profit in the USA.

You care about her, but the request for reference is another thing.  If you feel ok doing it, then do it.  Just realize that it isn't likely to lead down a road that might re-engage  into a romantic relationship.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks! Turkish, that must have hurt so much. I’m so sorry you went through that. I appreciate your suggestions. With the reference request combined with her liking of FBposts, do you think she might at least contact me again? I cant see the romantic relationship again. But with the cancer stuff, I wish she would.  I really dont get the recommendation. She doesnt need mine.

Mutt, thanks for explaining about the shame. Thats really sad. Yet it makes sense. I think I have been a source of shame for a while. A month before she ended it, she said horrible things to me-how terrible of a g/f I was, how selfish I was etc. it was so hurtful. All I did was start setting boundaries. I cant help but wonder if she realizes that she did treat me poorly. Do you think she does know?

Mutt and Turkish, your advice helped. After thinking it through-at least for a week- I plan to do nothing. I owe her nothing and she showed me no respect by not even asking me for the reference. She hasn’t burnt any bridges with other recommenders. There are quite a few she has. Honestly i feel that no one else has see  her “bad” sides except me and her kids(when she yelled at me i  front of them).  
I will also stay neutral as I can but our mutual friend M worries about me too and I think is going to ask how I am with all this when I see her in a fewdays. I dont know what to say because I’ve never lied to this friend M.  M probably knows about the lymph nodes. M doesnt know about the recommendation request and I don’t plan to share it.

I am worried there sill be some other type of random outreach from her indirectly(as this was something I never would have anticipated). Am I crazy for thinking that?

[Mutt]

it was so hurtful. All I did was start setting boundaries. I cant help but wonder if she realizes that she did treat me poorly. Do you think she does know?

Lashing out is common when you start setting boundaries, a pwBPD have little to no boundaries set on themselves and have a poor understanding of other people’s boundaries. In the context of knowing how she treated you - likely not very much.

She hasn’t burnt any bridges with other recommenders. There are quite a few she has.

Maybe she wants to keep that connection to you or she trusts you the most - it’s hard to say but she’s not stuck for a reference right?

I dont know what to say because I’ve never lied to this friend M

What do you think about just telling M that you don’t want to talk about it?

I am worried there sill be some other type of random outreach from her indirectly(as this was something I never would have anticipated). Am I crazy for thinking that?

Don’t react to her but that is easier said that done it’s a goal that you can work towards to. There are a lot of us that can relate with that walking on eggshells feeling.

It’s hard to anticipate sometimes what some one that acts impulsively will do. Have faith in your boundaries they’re there to protect you.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

I’m so sad.   Found out ex has a “special friend”. Thats how she introduced her to another friend at a party.

I’m so angry with her and want her to suffer. It makes me sad to think she is out having fun , happy and i am hurting so much. At the same time half my brain says “thank god i’m out of that crazy crap and abuse... she was so abusive emotionally”.. silent treatments every few weeks for 2 yrs...

So why then am I sad that she is happy? Did she just erase me?

[Mutt]

I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

she is out having fun , happy

She’s going through a lot, I think that this is selfish on her part  because can she truly be present for other people with everything that’s going on?

It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to anybody else and I would feel angry too with all of the roadblocks that she has been putting up, somebody new doesn’t have that history with her and is not on to her yet.

That being said this is a pattern what she has done she will repeat the exact same thing again.