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Author Topic: Guilt -- Fear and Obligation are here, too  (Read 540 times)
TelHill
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« on: January 05, 2020, 10:38:00 PM »

Hello,

My dBPD mom is slated for her MRI tomorrow. After that I'm moving back to my home. It's been long overdue - my basement was broke into. My kind neighbor emailed me noticing the usually locked door was open. Someone tried to kick in the door. The police came and luckily nothing was taken or vandalized.  I'm having security cams installed in the next few days.  I had the flu come upon me yesterday, and am feeling terrible today.

This is a recap about enabler dad/bpd mom...they are elderly and fairly independent. I, the scapegoat, go to doctor's appointments and drive them for groceries. That's it.  They don't need a high level of help other seniors their age need- my parents go to the restroom, take showers, do laundry, cook, clean.  My purpose is as a companion/driver currently. I moved in pt a few years ago after my husband unexpectedly passed away/my parents had major health crises. I was NC/LC all my adult life before then.

Their long-range plan for care is for me, a slim petite woman, to care for them. I have told them no.  I told them I will do pt care with my golden child brother (my only sibling) but will not do this alone. I cannot handle two people. My  brother is passive aggressive and may have a Cluster B personality disorder. He's damaged items around the house dad asked him to repair. He's been very angry at me when I've asked him to assist when they've had medical crises.

My parents told me a few days ago they want me to sign over my house to my young niece in exchange for her caring for me in my old age. I don't want this one bit.  I cannot help but think my dysfunctional  brother is behind this idea. It seems like a way for him to stay off the hook for his parents' care and get his child my house for free. This niece (age 30) is an alcoholic and has a felony on her record. If it weren't for my brother enabling/giving her an allowance, I don't think she could support herself. She has a spotty work record despite having a graduate degree. She has gotten fired from a few jobs. She is the golden child of my brother and parents.

I am feeling gripped with fear though about leaving my dBPD mom and enabler dad though. The FOG is getting thick. I can't seem to shake it lately.

Has anyone who planned to care for their elderly bpd parent just bailed out and never returned?  How bad was the extinction burst and how did you handle it?

PS This board has helped to calm me. I would have been screaming at my parents and brother regarding the above.  Sometimes the overwhelming things hit though. I need to vent. Thanks for any suggestions or support!  With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: January 05, 2020, 10:43:09 PM by TelHill » Logged
Methuen
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« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2020, 12:29:35 AM »

Telhill With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post)

I wish you and I could have a coffee together or be walking partners.  

I am about to write words of emotional support here.  As I think you know, I am dealing similar problems (uBPD mom, aged, frail, needy emotionally and physically, multiple complex health ailments, and me an only child living 7 min away.  I too am petite (4'10") and couldn't possibly catch her from falling - which she is prone to).  My mom had a CAT scan on her brain before Christmas, but we haven't got the results yet.  I already know that's going to bring on a crisis, because 5 years ago after a mini-stroke, a CT scan showed there were binswangers.  They won't have improved in 5 yrs.   Like you, I am struggling to find my way out of FOG.  Unlike you, I am very fortunate to have a supportive analytical husband to bounce ideas off of.  I really wish I could share his analytical brain with you.  You have been through so much, and it would be so helpful to be able to support one another in person.  I'm pretty sure he would support you too.  

Excerpt
After that I'm moving back to my home. It's been long overdue


Good you recognize that Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
Their long-range plan for care is for me, a slim petite woman, to care for them. I have told them no.  I told them I will do pt care with my golden child brother (my only sibling) but will not do this alone. I cannot handle two people.


Good for you.  We have told my mother she can't move in with us (she keeps harassing us for that), because we can't care for her, or meet her physical needs.  I tried caring for her last October and after dedicating myself to her for 4 weeks (after she sustained fractures from a fall), and she raged at me.  I fell apart.  So then I got community supports put in place to do what I had been doing.  As it turned out, those supports coincided with her finally starting to heal, so she cancelled them all.  During all this, she also was assessed and met criteria for assisted living, which she declined.   Since then I have been somewhat LC, and just keeping contacts and caring jobs on a simple superficial level.  I have come to accept that if she wants to live on her own, she has to find other ways to have her needs met other than just using me and my husband for ALL her chores as well as me for her emotional punching bag.

My point in all this is to encourage you WHOLEHEARTED that when the FOG starts to come down around you, to remember my story and be reminded that you ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING by moving back to your own home.  You need to live your life, and they need to live theirs.  Maybe when BPD isn't involved, an inlaw suite or co-habitation can work in some families, but we already know it can't work in our particular situations.  My mom would poison any kind of life my husband and I tried to have.  She can't help herself.  Boundaries are hard enough outside of 4 walls, but boundaries inside of 4 walls would be constant conflict.  Not a good idea.
I would lose my mind, and need to be admitted.

So, I am saying you are absolutely doing the right thing by moving back to your own home.  

Think of it this way.  By doing so, you are showing them you have the confidence they are capable of living on their own.  They make not like it.  But they WILL figure it out.  They are still able.  We all figure things out, when we HAVE to.  If they need extra support, they can hire nighbours, ask friends, pay for community care.  

Excerpt
Has anyone who planned to care for their elderly bpd parent just bailed out and never returned?  How bad was the extinction burst and how did you handle it?

I thought about bailing before I got a T, and found this board.  I was thinking about it all day every day, like it was the only answer I could see.  Since then, I have worked a lot on myself to begin to "detach" and learn to separate my feelings from my mom's, learn strategies etc etc.  For the moment, I am holding steady emotionally, and not thinking about bailing on a daily basis.  

But I know what's coming with mom's health; it's visible and audible to anyone with eyes and ears.  Everyone who knows her can see it.  It's going to be an epic crisis when she finally has to either go into assisted living or complex care.  So I have had multiple conversations with both my family Dr, and mom's case worker for our local health authority.  I have support in both places, insofar as they have both told me it is not my place to have my mother come live with me.  They have both told me it will probably take a medical crisis for her to finally go into a care facility.  They have both told me they support that.

By extension, since they told me those things, I feel the same principles apply to anyone with a BPD parent who is having these struggles, including you.  When they told me that, it validated my concerns and emotions a little, to know that the professionals were telling me I needed to live my own life.  Based on their advice, I am hoping you can feel it's ok for you to do the same.

The practical side of telling your parents your plans is going to be difficult and scary.  Can you arrange to have someone there with you such as a friend there when that conversation happens?  Doing this around the time your home was broken into is a logical time to have the conversation.  You need to go look after your home.

Excerpt
My parents told me a few days ago they want me to sign over my house to my young niece in exchange for her caring for me in my old age.


This is so crazy it doesn't even deserve a response.  If they think a house should be signed over to her, maybe they can sign theirs over to her.  Probably better not to suggest that though Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I'm feeling for you Telhill.  I really am.  I have my H.  You don't.  I wish I could share my H's analytical conversations with you.  I really do.  I am hoping you have a friend or someone local and tangible who you can lean on.

Of course, we are all here for you.

Get on with your life!  You go Telhill! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)





« Last Edit: January 06, 2020, 12:45:12 AM by Methuen » Logged
pursuingJoy
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« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2020, 12:18:56 PM »

Telhill, just here to drop off a hug and cheer you on. You're doing so well. Read over Methuen's encouragement over and over. I also echo M's thoughts about signing over your house. My eyebrows went way up on that one. What a strange suggestion.

So, I am saying you are absolutely doing the right thing by moving back to your own home.  

Think of it this way.  By doing so, you are showing them you have the confidence they are capable of living on their own.  They make not like it.  But they WILL figure it out.  They are still able.  We all figure things out, when we HAVE to.  If they need extra support, they can hire nighbours, ask friends, pay for community care.  

100% this. 

I heard a quote on the radio the other day that offered me major emotional relief and I want to share it with you: "Child, this mountain is for you to climb, not to carry." Let your parents carry what is theirs.

So in awe of your strength, Telhill!
pj
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GaGrl
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« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2020, 12:41:22 PM »

Good that you're reaching out for a sanity check -- so yes, you are doing good and staying centered when the FOG starts swirling.

My mom is 93, in good health, and is going to be around for awhile...it's her macular degeneration and legal blindness that resulted in her living with us. Even with someone who shows just minor glimpses of BPD traits (she can get her feelings hurt or feel shame and give us the silent treatment, or feel abandoned when my husband and I do something on our own) and just some plain irritating behaviors (please! take your phone calls in your room while we are watching a movie!) -- living with a parent is difficult. I admire so much the strength and caring that all of you show in carrying out responsibilities you have taken on in spite of your parents' dysfunctional behaviors.

That said, none of us should feel taken advantage of or manipulated in what we do.

The suggestion to sign over a house is total manipulation. I'll bet your brother came up with that idea.

Be very careful!
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Methuen
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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2020, 01:12:30 PM »

Excerpt
"Child, this mountain is for you to climb, not to carry." Let your parents carry what is theirs.

Oh my goodness PJ.  I LOVE this quote! With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post)
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TelHill
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« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2020, 11:05:05 PM »

Thank you, Methuen, p.j., & GaGrl!

I'm still processing all the smart things you wrote.  This will help as I move forward and out of my FOO's home for good.  With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post)
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TelHill
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« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2020, 04:57:14 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  Everyone!

I have the results of my dBPDm’s medical test. She has a medium-sized liquid filled cyst inside  the left hemisphere of her brain. The neurologist believes this is congenital given her lifelong history of anxiety/depression and falling down. The treatment is not advised due to advanced age.

The blood in her brain has dried and was absorbed. Brain cells are average for her age. They don’t suggest dementia or anything relating to a personality disorder ( amygdala intact).

I don’t know if this cyst is the underlying cause of the bpd or is making it worse. No more medical testing for this unless it worsens.

I am LC with my parents. They need some help. I realize now I was giving them concierge service. FOG will do that!  Setting boundaries quietly and detaching has helped.

My gc/passive-aggressive acting brother did not want to know the name of her condition. He knew the day the test results were coming. He called two days later. Not sure if he’s so upset- hard to face? It may be another passive aggressive move to get an inheritance while doing none of the heavy lifting. Am betting it’s the latter.

Thanks, again, for the great suggestions above. I need to remind myself of them daily. It’s so easy for me to slip into FOG. Parent-child bond is so strong.
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Methuen
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« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2020, 07:59:38 PM »

Thanks for the update Telhill.  I was wondering what the outcome was.  I guess while it's not great, it's better than some of the other things it could have been.  It sounds like she's had it a while, but now with a somewhat benign(?) diagnosis, your mom and dad can carry on with their retirement time together.

Excerpt
I realize now I was giving them concierge service
.

I love the way you put that!  Concierge service!  So visual! 

I'm adding that one onto my "keeper" list of quotes and messages.  It'll be helpful for me to read it again down the road as a "reminder" when my mom's next health crisis hits...

Excerpt
Setting boundaries quietly and detaching has helped.

I'm so happy for you!  Way to go! (click to insert in post)

Setting boundaries, detaching, and lower contact have helped me too, SOO much. 

Are you still packing and getting ready to move back to your own home, or maybe you've already made the move since you mentioned you are LC?

Oh my gosh, I just love the "concierge service".  What a great line!





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Spindle0516
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« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2020, 11:15:15 AM »

Telhill- Caring for an aging BPD parents is so hard!

My husband and I are the caretakers for his uBPD mom, and are in the process of trying to "kick her out." This is proving to be incredibly difficult and challenging. Had we known what we know then, we would have set her up with appropriate services and supports, rather than taking them on ourselves. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of balancing caring for yourself and them and I hope that you enjoy returning to your home.  Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Being cool (click to insert in post)

I realize now I was giving them concierge service. FOG will do that! 

 This quite literally made me laugh and put words to how I feel all the time. Should we send you the fancy uniform to go along with it?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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TelHill
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« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2020, 12:44:07 PM »

Telhill- Caring for an aging BPD parents is so hard!

My husband and I are the caretakers for his uBPD mom, and are in the process of trying to "kick her out." This is proving to be incredibly difficult and challenging. Had we known what we know then, we would have set her up with appropriate services and supports, rather than taking them on ourselves. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of balancing caring for yourself and them and I hope that you enjoy returning to your home.  Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Being cool (click to insert in post)

Thanks, I'm trying and the tools help a lot - SET, not JADE-ing, detaching.  LC works best for me. I care about them. But I have to take care of myself.

Excerpt
This quite literally made me laugh and put words to how I feel all the time. Should we send you the fancy uniform to go along with it?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Ha, ha. I stole that line from a care giver online support forum. People who had normal upbringing have similar challenges with aging parents. I hope you can successfully move your uBPD MIL to a facility.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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