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Author Topic: catastrophizing - current world affairs and the recent actions of Donald Trump  (Read 834 times)
Etsy

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« on: January 05, 2020, 11:48:36 PM »

Hi, is anyone out there struggling with a child who is catastrophizing over current world affairs? by that currently, I mean the recent actions of President Trump? What I mammoth trigger that has been for my 16 year old DD. With extreme emotional disregulation.
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Everyone she has ever know is going to die.
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Her friends are going to be drafted
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) in this day and age of equality does that mean women / girls will be drafted, she continues to ask.
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Did the plane that carried the weapons fly over our head - she repeatedly asks. (Not that, that thought has would have entered my head - then I am excused if having a simple mind)
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) She is formulating an escape plan to Iceland, as she has researched it to be one of the most peaceful places on the earth, plus she thinks the beauty of mother natures offering here, would be a big bonus.
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Then the research starts on the top cities listed, for terrorism, and the unwavering list continues to grow .....
Including the physiological effects of anxiety and stomach cramps and being violently sick later that first day after the news.

The most natural thing as a mother is to attempt to reassure, but but this does not validate her feelings, and I am accused of having a "simple mind" - my way of dealing with unpleasant things that I have no control over is to attempt to distract myself, this does not work it is so hard, and will trigger her even more, to become extremely rude, disrespectful and argumentative, with nasty personal attacks, feeling like your own character being totally assassinated... huge devaluation. In the heat of one of these moments during a personal attacks, after I had just treated her to a massage and was still being devalued, being up to my limit I told her she was positively revolting. Which just adds more fuel to the fire! And of course you end up feeling bad for.... so so draining, all around! (but on this scale, we the average person have no control) I  can not say right for wrong! Then there are moments where I feel ok, she is handling this better, only to be back to square one! She feels with such great deepth for humanity !
I see her trying to work out solutions for herself, (she was under our child and mental health system, but I feel they do not really get it, they do not fully understand BPD in children, and I am hoping we get a transfer to a neighbouring authority. Who I think have more understanding and empathy.  My GP is very supportive but is having difficulty with our local children's mental health ... with various politics getting in the way, amidst them not wanting to admit to failing us. Dreadful in amongst all of this suffering we have to deal with - certain professionals egos within our system!
« Last Edit: January 06, 2020, 12:02:37 AM by Etsy » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2020, 10:46:38 AM »


I see  PhD level psychologist regularly.  She mentioned that the last presidential election was like no other election for many of her patients.  They did and still have a hard time processing that he is president.

Sorry I don't know any strategies or advice. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

Perhaps validating questions could help

Best,

FF
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« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2020, 11:08:48 AM »

I echo Formflier.   I have absolutely no advice to give at all.  Like many, I myself, am also having a lot of probs with current events and the only thing that helps me is limiting watching/ listening to the news.   Before the "Big Blowup" with DS, he accused me of being stupid and that he knew a lot more about current affairs than I did.  Which is true and I told him i deliberately don't watch a lot of the news anymore, which invited a torrent of verbal abuse upon my head.  Kudos for you in trying to get your daughter transferred.  You are being proactive and doing all you can as  far as I can tell.
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« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2020, 11:57:55 AM »

  i deliberately don't watch a lot of the news anymore

Swimmy55 that's exactly what I do.

I might click on a headline here and there on a webpage, but for the most part I try to stay out of it. 

I spend most of my time listening to podcasts or things like that where I can listen while doing other things.

Personally the "news" has gotten so "fake" or "lopsided" that I really don't see much use in it.

Oh my wait...they just had a hearing today about something Trump did/said/tweeted..it's going to change everything.... Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Best,

FF
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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2020, 02:25:19 PM »

Hi Etsy

Yes, reassurance. I really feel for our sensitive BPD children, the shift in world politics is challenging for us all, gee I feel emotional, they feel it 1000%. I also want to say from my personal experience, it is positive your young 16DD is asking questions, speaking out, she's looking for solutions for her and for my 31 DD that lay in DBT dx at 26. Last year my DD spent weekends online when I was away, climate change and veganism. Totally overwhelmed, she too felt sick and is now staying away from news while she continues to work on her wellbeing, remission to recovery.

Are you familiar with Debbie Corso?

WDx

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« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2020, 02:57:36 PM »

I see people who don't have BPD reacting like this. Maybe it's not related?
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« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2020, 03:15:36 PM »

I see people who don't have BPD reacting like this. Maybe it's not related?

It's related inasmuch as BPD is like a shot of "steroids" to an emotional reaction.

Best,

FF
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Etsy

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« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2020, 04:42:14 PM »

Thanks Swimmy55 & Formflier,
I am the same, I will choose not to switch news on for days. Stuff that is out of our control real or perceived as real/fake or not, just gets to much, when you already bear an explosive and heavy burden. As a good friend of mine once pointed out, when I said I'll probably watch that, and then wished I hadnt,  she pointed out and responded quite simply with, "well i choose to be entertained by my television, and that is not entertainment" and generally that is the rule a try to apply, theses days.
Swimmy how old is DS ? It is hard not be hurt by the rudeness / insults / disrespect.

Thanks Wendydarling, I am not familiar with Debbie Corso. An additional problem I have with my DD, is that she has always had a naturally very enquiring mind, to the point that she must find out for herself and will endeavour to do so dispite anything I may advisor her - she will need, or has a need to find out for herself. Even at the age of 2, quite fearless and would often wonder off in shop if she was able to escape, would wriggle her way out of anything! In the end I had to tell her if you get lost you must go to another mummy with children or a shop assistant. Two minutes later gone, when I asked why she had left me, she told me, she wanted to see if what I had told her, worked !!
 She gave up the dbt 1 and ½ modules in, I am hoping she will go back, but again it is very difficult to tell her anything, she needs to do it her own way. That includes after having 3 years out of school, doing her maths and english exams her way .... after just 7 weeks of attending college ... she does what has taken 3 years for other children. Rubbing her hands together saying I enjoy a good problem to solve. Although she is totally unable to sit in a hall with others to do that because of anxiety. I believe that some of these children are so sensitive, that they actual feel the stress of others in the room to such a degree it cause them anxiety, that disables them from being able to be in the same room!
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Etsy

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« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2020, 04:47:00 PM »

It's related inasmuch as BPD is like a shot of "steroids" to an emotional reaction.

Best,

FF

So agree FF it is related.
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Etsy

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« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2020, 04:56:22 PM »

World affairs and world catastrophes, effects the humanitarian Boarders immensely, when you look into their eyes, you see it. It is a hideous pain that no mother wants to see in their child's eyes. There have been so many times I have wanted to discipline, what I initially saw as bad behaviour. IE repeated door slamming, for no apparent reason, and when I have approached her I see distress in her eyes, and have literal stopped from about to tell her off, and asked what is wrong, and found out that she can not stand the noise coming from next door  (they were having new windows put in)
« Last Edit: January 06, 2020, 05:06:42 PM by Etsy » Logged
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« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2020, 10:26:09 AM »


What did you think of the validating questions thread? 

Do you think those could help you determine "what's really going on" whenever she is in distress?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2020, 09:29:13 AM »

The dynamic I have with SD23 is that she over-reports bodily functions, ailments, illnesses. Her fear seems to manifest as health issues and left to her own imagination (and some internet research) she becomes convinced she's very very ill.

I don't know if this strategy would work with your daughter, but with SD23 I set limits. I don't discuss physical ailments with her. Clear, calm, firm.

I cannot fathom the intensity of her anxiety. I cannot manage it for her. I can only manage the contagion of her anxiety traveling from her to me.

My heart breaks for this kid. One of the hardest things I've grappled with in my life is to figure out how to bear witness to her pain without it consuming me or discovering too late that there's a boot print on the back of my head.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2020, 11:31:39 AM »

LNL,
You state my exact same goals in dealing w/DD19 uBPD.  I wonder if you have a bit more perspective and hold SD more at arm’s length than birth moms? If so, it seems much healthier. I really wish I could stop the contagion and am doing a bit better with this.

Etsy, I think of DD as being a grape with no skin on-just raw... I believe she must acquire the DBT skills to create a life worth living. I try to zip up my protective rain coat and limit my generous listening if it’s simply too much. She will go on in great detail describing physical ailments almost to the point of making me vomit. I’ve explained that I am sensitive to such graphic descriptions and I will not listen to it.

When she freaks out about world events and tragedies and has a fatalistic attitude of doom and fear, I try to say “In every tragedy and natural disaster there are heros, look for the heros and heroic acts.... Did you look those up in your googling these events?”

 LNL’s visual of picturing her cup and realizing it’s her responsibility to keep it full is very helpful!
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« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2020, 12:54:22 PM »

LNL, I wonder if you have a bit more perspective and hold SD more at arm’s length than birth moms?

My guess is that BPD anxieties are easier to deal with as a step mom, altho I have a neurodiverse son (ASD) and the skills seem to transfer.

Etsy, I wonder if the catastrophic thinking your daughter displays is a form of splitting?
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« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2020, 10:55:48 AM »

Formflier,

Yes I did look at the thread, and found it helpful. I think there is so much information to learn in BPD, even though I had read something similar else where, I had forgotten, so it was welcome and a little like refresher training. I think us carers are often better qualified than some of the professionals our children see!
Etsy x
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Etsy

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« Reply #15 on: January 11, 2020, 08:59:04 AM »

Hi livednlearned,

Interesting thought.


Etsy, I wonder if the catastrophic thinking your daughter displays is a form of splitting?
when in that state there is no reasoning. I find it difficult, as a mum not want being able to sort or find a solution to be able to help. Perhaps on reflection I feel panicked at not being able to take the distress away. I think perhaps or maybe sometimes DD picks up on my feelings subconsciously or consciously, which is like adding fuel to the fire .... and then it escalates......
Hard to see the wood for the trees sometime, especially when a lot of theses situation can seem to appear from nowhere /take you by surprise. Like being on call, or not being able to relax.
Etsy x
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« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2020, 02:38:25 PM »


Oftentimes when they are distressed it's best to try to validate some and then leave them alone to sort it out themselves.  They often don't like it, since they would rather someone else "carry" their emotions for them (or regulate might be better word).

Looking back over your soothing attempts, are there some things that seem to  work better than others?

Best,

FF
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Etsy

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« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2020, 05:48:36 PM »

Hi again livednlearned,


I can only manage the contagion of her anxiety traveling from her to me.

My heart breaks for this kid. One of the hardest things I've grappled with in my life is to figure out how to bear witness to her pain without it consuming me or discovering too late that there's a boot print on the back of my head.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)


Further to my last post below, again your words above "to manage the contagion", is where I need to be at, to stop/contain/manage the perpetuation of the situation?  .... easier said than done!



Thanks Etsy
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Etsy

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« Reply #18 on: January 11, 2020, 06:32:47 PM »

Hi FF,
Thank you for your replies
Oftentimes when they are distressed it's best to try to validate some and then leave them alone to sort it out themselves.  They often don't like it, since they would rather someone else "carry" their emotions for them (or regulate might be better word).

Looking back over your soothing attempts, are there some things that seem to  work better than others?


I cant really pinpoint anything at the moment it's sort of hit and miss. Things can happen so quickly. I feel like a skittle in an alley, you get knocked over, picked back up, knocked over again...........  it can feel like you dont get time to process in between being knocked over.
I do get what you mean about validating some, and then stepping back ... such a balancing act though!  In writing this response to you, it feels like a need to learn to breathe - or  inhalar --- exhalar (if you are a fan of the netflix show - jane the virgin)
Takecare Etsy
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« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2020, 11:21:58 AM »

Big hugs.  I understand how heartbreaking this can be.  My SD-20 also obsesses about world events and politics. She goes from anger to a lot of crying. I've been encouraging her to be the change that she wants to see in the world by getting involved in political campaigns and environmental advocacy groups. This works for her sometimes.

We also have the dynamic of her attacking me about the world events and politics, even though we have similar beliefs. I think she is splitting. Her anxiety about the world is so fear-provoking and overwhelming that she needs to discharge some of these emotions onto me. I have set a boundary that I will discuss these issues with her for a while so long as it's a discussion and not an attack. I'm also emphasizing that if she's instituting a political purity test before she will join anyone in advocacy, she's going to be advocating alone because people have complex beliefs about the world. This seems to resonate with her. Additionally, after she has complained about an issue for a while, I will ask her what should be done about it and how she can help to make that happen or support people who are doing that kind of work. She's gotten involved in the Bernie campaign and that's been good for her.
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« Reply #20 on: February 24, 2020, 05:34:02 PM »

Quote from: Etsy
The most natural thing as a mother is to attempt to reassure, but this does not validate her feelings, and I am accused of having a "simple mind" - my way of dealing with unpleasant things that I have no control over is to attempt to distract myself, this does not work it is so hard, and will trigger her even more, to become extremely rude, disrespectful and argumentative

In my opinion, your daughter raises some very relevant points and I can sure sympathise with her wish to escape to somewhere safe and beautiful, wherever that may be. Don't we all feel like this? It's not irrational. Hard to reassure someone about the catastrophe of the world. Better to be realistic, open, honest and engaging and she will likely feel reassured and confident that you are connected to reality and that you can see what she can and share the same concerns. She likely feels isolated or not taken seriously when you try to reassure her. There is some comfort in truth, especially when you can share it with others who equally recognise the concerns. I'm not sure about having no control over this 'catastrophe' we are presented with.....I think the point is we are supposed to realise we can actually do something (if you understand what is going on).

Excerpt
She feels with such great depth for humanity!
Thank goodness for people like that.
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