Getting back in touch after (5th) rebound?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello there,

I am trying to rekindle the relationship with my ex fiancé (long distance) for nearly 3 years.

We met up in September after one of his rebound relationships failed and I let him be the one to bring up the topic of getting back together. He did, but as soon as I was back home he apologised for the "misunderstanding" - and the ghosting / deleting started.

I got a small text from him only once, a month later (October) but he let the conversation die fast and also didn't get back to the light message I sent a few days later.
He then got into a new relationship (November) - without even mentioning it to me
- and was completely gone for another month.


December came and also his birthday.
As he deleted me from every social media platform and seemed to be living happily ever after with the new girl, I didn't reach out.
I posted a small "Happy Birthday" message on Facebook in private, which he couldn't see as we are no longer friends on there.
A day after his birthday he reached out to ironically thank me for forgetting him…
I sent him a screenshot from my Facebook post, told him this would have reached him if he didn't delete me and said he can get in touch if he is ready to work on things.

I am seeing my mistake here: I see I didn't validate his feelings at all, didn't say I see how it could have hurt him when he thought I forgot his birthday.
Another month is gone by since then.
I didn't hear a word from him.


A week ago the new relationship ended.
I was hoping to hear from him, but so far he didn't make contact.

Now the situation is:
He lives a two hour plane trip away from me.
In a few weeks I am going to be in a city close to him, visiting friends.
I'd love to lighty reach out and tell him about it / offer making plans together when I'm there.
I assume that he would feel neglected if I was so close around and didn't let him know.

Do you think this is a good idea/could help my chances of getting him back?
Or do you think it could make things worse because he has to really start missing me / it is too much pressure?

Actually the ball is in his court after I told him to get in touch.
At the same time I feel like both of us are being stubborn with making contact first and that reaching out could help us to get closer as he might currently be thinking I don't really care... that's what he used to say a lot in the past.

Thank you for your advice!

[TheExFiancee]

Hello there,

I am trying to rekindle the relationship with my ex fiancé (long distance) for nearly 3 years.

We met up in September after one of his rebound relationships failed and I let him be the one to bring up the topic of getting back together. He did, but as soon as I was back home he apologised for the "misunderstanding" - and the ghosting / deleting started.

I got a small text from him only once, a month later (October) but he let the conversation die fast and also didn't get back to the light message I sent a few days later.
He then got into a new relationship (November) - without even mentioning it to me
- and was completely gone for another month.


December came and also his birthday.
As he deleted me from every social media platform and seemed to be living happily ever after with the new girl, I didn't reach out.
I posted a small "Happy Birthday" message on Facebook in private, which he couldn't see as we are no longer friends on there.
A day after his birthday he reached out to ironically thank me for forgetting him…
I sent him a screenshot from my Facebook post, told him this would have reached him if he didn't delete me and said he can get in touch if he is ready to work on things.

I am seeing my mistake here: I see I didn't validate his feelings at all, didn't say I see how it could have hurt him when he thought I forgot his birthday.
Another month is gone by since then.
I didn't hear a word from him.


A week ago the new relationship ended.
I was hoping to hear from him, but so far he didn't make contact.

Now the situation is:
He lives a two hour plane trip away from me.
In a few weeks I am going to be in a city close to him, visiting friends.
I'd love to lighty reach out and tell him about it / offer making plans together when I'm there.
I assume that he would feel neglected if I was so close around and didn't let him know.

Do you think this is a good idea/could help my chances of getting him back?
Or do you think it could make things worse because he has to really start missing me / it is too much pressure?

Actually the ball is in his court after I told him to get in touch.
At the same time I feel like both of us are being stubborn with making contact first and that reaching out could help us to get closer as he might currently be thinking I don't really care... that's what he used to say a lot in the past.

Thank you for your advice!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I am seeing my mistake here: I see I didn't validate his feelings at all, didn't say I see how it could have hurt him when he thought I forgot his birthday.
Another month is gone by since then.
I didn't hear a word from him.

you dont want to validate the invalid or reward that kind of behavior, TEF.

when someone cuts you off of social media, its unreasonable for them to expect a birthday wish.

you sent one, regardless, which is fine, and when he didnt see it, he sent you a passive aggressive message. its just not the sort of thing you want to validate. a screen shot, if any response, was fine.

Do you think this is a good idea/could help my chances of getting him back?
Or do you think it could make things worse because he has to really start missing me / it is too much pressure?

Actually the ball is in his court after I told him to get in touch.

i know that your question is in the interest of playing your best cards in a tough situation. i answer with that foremost in mind.

your self respect matters a great deal in that equation. not only does it help you navigate, but its attractive.

reaching out:

whos turn it is to get in touch, who is being stubborn, im not sure those are the important things in the equation.

i think if you want to send him a light note about getting together, if youd like to see him, do it. i suspect you would anyway like any friend...hes important to you, youre going to be nearby, youd like to catch up.

but i wouldnt do it out of FOG, i wouldnt chase, and i wouldnt expect a response.

i think a lot of us struggle between what is reasonable, unreasonable, stubborn, and acting in a way that respects ourselves. and its, admittedly, not always easy to balance that...often times, when it comes to a partner with BPD traits (or any partner really), we do have to suck some things up, be the bigger person, drop the pride, choose our battles, that sort of thing.

weigh these things in terms of what you decide to do, and in terms of attractiveness if getting back together is the goal. this person isnt treating you with a lot of respect. are you respecting yourself?

[TheExFiancee]

you dont want to validate the invalid or reward that kind of behavior, TEF.

Yes, I don't but what else can I do to save this connection if that man's not talking to me.
I think that pastering is wrong but reaching out after more than a month to pass on that I'm in town could be okay.. I am still scared it'll make him feel pressured as the last thing he heard from me was to get in touch if he's Ready to work on Things, [regardless of his new relationship, just Kind of acted as if I didn't know/as if it was not worth mentioniong because I wouldn't know if I didn't check his Facebook page].

when someone cuts you off of social media, its unreasonable for them to expect a birthday wish.

I see that. Have asked all my friends about opinions what to do on his birthday. That I still posted on Facebook was quite nice. But it must have seemed passive aggressive to him as I posted where I knew he couldn't see...

Actually the ball is in his court after I told him to get in touch.

I see that too. I could just also imagine that he is scared that I am Angry with him because what he did there really was mean and respectless. A respectful Person would at least have said "I know I suggested working Things out but don't feel like it anymore. There is someone new in my life I am interested in more", right?

i know that your question is in the interest of playing your best cards in a tough situation. i answer with that foremost in mind.

Thank you a lot for considering this! It's really why I am here.

your self respect matters a great deal in that equation. not only does it help you navigate, but its attractive.

I'm not planning to beg and plead, just remind him that he can get in touch and that I still consider him as someone worth seeing.

i think if you want to send him a light note about getting together, if youd like to see him, do it. i suspect you would anyway like any friend...hes important to you, youre going to be nearby, youd like to catch up.

Reading this I am feeling bad for not really acknowledging his Birthday on time, didn't wish happy Christmas or happy new year.. that's what you do as a friend. But I'm tired of being ignored and misstreated.

when it comes to a partner with BPD traits (or any partner really), we do have to suck some things up, be the bigger person, drop the pride, choose our battles, that sort of thing.

Sad but true. Must have been exhausting for him how much I tried to lovingly talk things out in the past. But I am proud we made it to a full year of being together without many big fights. None of his other relationships lasted longer than 3 months, he is truly having issues and it's telling me I did something right that he was able to stay with me so long and we still kind of kept in touch over the past years.

this person isnt treating you with a lot of respect. are you respecting yourself?

I've ben horrible with begging and crying in the past, so I think I must be careful to stand up for myself more. I don't think I'm disrespecting myself if I'm not asking twice or more, just giving him notice and letting him decide where things go..

Thank you for your help. I always love reading from you.

[Adrian26]

Dear poster,

I could not help but feel a lot of similarity in your struggles.

I consider it very caring of you to consider his needs, his views, his thoughts so much. You are really wrapping your head around the many scenarios and trying to figure out the best one- since he is difficult to predict or at least different from non-BPD's.
At the same time it seems you really are bending over backwards trying to find the best solution. Finding mistakes in your own reasoning, or indeed, a mistake in not validating his feelings about you 'missing' his birthday wish. Take care of yourself.

A very painful yet liberating piece of advice, and one I have yet to fully embrace still: is that much of our energy spent on placing ourselves within a BPD's mind is wasted effort. Not because they are unworthy of our attention or consideration- quite the contrary. But I think its typical of non-BPD's to spend so many hours on understanding their BPD loved ones. And its not that the effort doesnt count. Its that spending 15min or 18 hours thinking of the best solution probably has the same chance on a 'good' outcome.

If you know him to be fearful of you pushing him, maybe the next lighthearted suggestion is an option:
'I'm in town next *insert dates*, since you live nearby, any tips on what to see?'
Leaves the ball in his court.

[once removed]

the last thing he heard from me was to get in touch if he's Ready to work on Things,

this was a power move, and a bluff. he called it.

it happens. i know how hard these things are to navigate. a lot of dating coaches would recommend it.

the lesson, i think, is not to make ultimatums you arent prepared to stand by.

bigger than that though, and with your goals in mind, being prepared and able to live without someone is attractive. if you approach this with a "get him back at any cost" mentality, you will likely lose.

there is a lot of anxiety over his reactions and thoughts. and i get that too. you want to play your best cards, and we are prepared to help you do that. but you dont want to be in a position where it comes at the expense of your confidence or self respect. they will guide you in the most helpful of ways...short term, and long term.

'I'm in town next *insert dates*, since you live nearby, any tips on what to see?'
Leaves the ball in his court.

i think this is good advice. very clever.

[TheExFiancee]

Hello Adrian, hello once removed,

I read your answers, I thought about it, then decided to stick to the more direct approach.
Since our last meet up was THAT positive, why shouldn't I just be direct and let him know that I am still open to seeing him?

So this was what I did this week, told him I'll be around, asking him if he wants to make plans.
First he ignored the message, but then he politely answered that he doesn't have the money and doesn't feel like going out a lot anyway.
Now I told him we could do something that's not expensive, he can let me know in case he changes his mind.. Then left him alone with that.

I don't think he'll change his mind.
I think he will need some time to get over his recent break up.
I'm just acting as if I don't even know about it, because seriously.. He should have let me known that he is dating someone after promising to ty again with me.


What I think is that I shouldn't handle things the way he does.
As a healthy person I should be communicating clearly where I am standing and what I expect from him, what do you think?

So I am currently thinking about writing him a letter when I am back from my holidays.
I want him to know that I liked the idea of working on the relationship but that - although I understand he is going through a lot - I won't be waiting around any longer (it's been 5 months).
That giving us time and space has been my idea but that by that I didn't mean to fully stop talking for months and that THIS is not working for me. That I'll leave him his space now and that I hope we can be friends in the future and just see how we feel about each other the next time around each other.

I think about doing this because although I know he is out dating other people while never letting me know, I think if I did the same thing he would blame me for it and this makes me feel trapped in this situation.

Maybe if he sees me going out with other people it'll make him realise that he actually CAN lose me, which he never did in the past 2 and a half years.
The last ex who had a new partner was chased down by him until she took him back... I just kept waiting while he tried being with all these women.

What do you think?

[once removed]

i think it will be more effective to live these things, do these things, than to telegraph them in writing.

[TheExFiancee]

i think it will be more effective to live these things, do these things, than to telegraph them in writing.

Thank you, once removed

What I think it's, he made all these promises and then in his actions he's just not showing any sign of wanting to reconcile but gets into relationships with others and deletes me off social media...

I think though that if I acted the same way like him, without communicating what I want actually, I'm scared that he'll get hurt over this

Just because he can't communicate what he wants shouldn't I do it as the healthy one of us?

Shouldn't I say something like:

you said you wanna do XYZ, it's been 4 months and I don't like how we're barely talking, what I need from you is that you tell me what you feel and want, else I gotta move on with my life


Then leave it to him and give space space space? Because if he then sees me starting dating again, he can not blame me about starting stuff behind his back although we promised working things out..
I can imagine he could do that although he's the one doing exactly this..

[once removed]

I think though that if I acted the same way like him, without communicating what I want actually, I'm scared that he'll get hurt over this

Just because he can't communicate what he wants shouldn't I do it as the healthy one of us?

i think its important to consider whether compensating for him is a healthy basis for a relationship.

is your concern about his feelings a fear that if you dont continue to make yourself available, that he will move on?

[TheExFiancee]

Hey once removed,

yes it kind of is a fear of him moving on. I just want to have my 100% best chances of reconciling with him and I feel like this won't happen if I keep playing cold turkey.


So my last post is a few days ago and I went for the letter.

In the letter I reminded him of what we promised each other the last time around. He contacted me after receiving it and his answer helped me understanding the silence between us much better:

He said he thought I didn't wanna try to make this work any longer because I said I didn't wanna be with someone who is not sure about me.
I truly said something in these terms but it was some kind of misunderstanding that we could clear up last night.

He also said that he doesn't wanna be in a relationship or work on things right now.
He just wants to focus on himself instead because there is someone he's not over about yet - which isn't me...

What I did is offering my friendship and I hope that this will bring us closer long term.


Last time we met up it has been as nothing but friends.
Back then he still asked me if we didn't wanna work things out so I think accepting friendship for now and having a way of being in touch is a great deal for me to make things better/gives me better chances than leaving him alone in all this if I'm not pushy now.

Should I keep letting him do all the work now after getting back to an official friendship? It scares me a bit that we still aren't friends on any social media platform..
I also won't make it a secret that I'm seeing other man. Maybe at some point it'll make him realise that he gotta do something if he doesn't wanna lose the chances with me forever. But first l think I gotta give him time and stabilise the friendship so he doesn't run when seeing me with someone else.

Thank you