Interested in hearing from those that have broke up with BPD spouse

[strugglingBF]

I tried to break up with my GF on two different occasions and was drawn back in each time with promises of therapy (didn't happen), kindness, renewed appreciation, etc.  I can tell you my experience wasn't easy.  Sure, my GF threatened breaking up as well.  But when the rubber meets the road she ALWAYS backs off.  And the times I started going down that path she didn't make it easy.  There were threats of all kinds, right down to crashing her car into my house if I break up.  I guess I know that it isn't going to be an easy road if I choose it, and I have a feeling she will lash out.  I have even thought of escape plans where I take my house key off her keys and unprogram my garage door from the homelink system in her car.  Those are two things I would have to covertly accomplish before fully taking the plunge.  I frankly don't trust her, or what she would do, if I finally give up on her.  Does this sound crazy?

My bigger reason for this post is to pose this question.  For those that have successfully broke up with a BPD spouse/GF/wife...DO THEY EVERY CIRCLE BACK AND REALIZE WHAT THEY LOST, OR WHAT THEY SCREWED UP?  I am by now means perfect.  I have my issues as well and an insecurity here and there.  Nothing I don't think is handle-able with the right partner who respects me.  But I have grown into a very loving, loyal father/boyfriend that would pretty much do anything for the ones I love.  Sometimes I want to shake my GF and say, "what are you doing?  You are screwing it up with a pretty good guy!"  If and when she goes back out into the world, I feel like she will eventually come to that realization.  Maybe she will choose not to acknowledge it.  Who knows. 

I also wonder if I give up on her, who becomes the target of all her BPD episodes?  Her kids?  Certainly the next guy will fare no better than me if she doesn't want to acknowledge her problems and work on them.  Her life will repeat itself, just as it has done with the 4-5 BF's before me who she had numerous police calls with.  She would tell you she keeps dating bad men.  I used to think all of them were bad men (a few of them were and one almost killed her...seriously).  But I think some of them escaped and got wise.  Maybe some discovered her BPD.  I have no idea.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear SB-

If you are looking to leave the relationship, you don’t need anyone’s “permission” or blessing other than your own.  And the level of drama you allow around a breakup is also somewhat within your control (to an extent).  You can answer or not answer your phone, a text, a knock at your door.  She can lob grenades.  You don’t have to engage.  If she acts in a dangerous manner, you phone the authorities- without hesitation.

To my way of thinking, when dealing with breakups (especially with pwBPD), no finger-pointing is necessary... simply state that a relationship is not working for ME.  That because of *MY* emotional state, I’m not in a position to be in a relationship any longer.  *I* have things to work on.  Own it.  Don’t blame her, her kids or your kids.  She cannot promise to CHANGE YOU.

And if you choose to break up, please keep yourself OFF of dating sites and social media for a while and move through the healing process.  Healing IS a process.  Detaching from these relationships IS a painful process.  The focus has to be on you.  You.

And your house keys and garage door?  Re-key your house locks and call the garage door company.  There’s no need to sneak keys off a chain or reprogram things in her car where there’s a chance of being caught - and of an explosive confrontation.

And SB - you’ve been reading and learning about BPD, haven’t you?  Thinking you will flip her personality traits by breaking up is a fools errand.  This will NOT awaken her to her misbehavior.  At all.  Any changes in her thinking or acting out take time and intensive therapy.  And real self-reflection.  Is she there?  Is she doing that?

And the question of who will receive the brunt of her insults if you’re out of the picture?   That cannot be your concern... Sad, but true.  Are you staying in to “save” someone else?  Her kids are both adult age now.  They can both walk away from her abuse as they choose.  And from what you’ve stated in your posts, neither of her kids looks to you for advocacy around their mom’s behavior.

It appears the kids who are suffering from your continued relationship with your SO, as things stand now, are your children.

I know I sound harsh.  That’s not my intention.  I’m sorry... Do you have any more questions?  What are your real questions?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[I Am Redeemed]

There are many instances here where a pwbpd has made promises to change after a breakup. There are many instances where the relationship recycled, and the promises to change did not come to fruition.

Some people have had successes in their relationships where the pwbpd took ownership of their own actions and sought therapy and support to improve the relationship dymanics on their end.

There are also many stories of the BPD ex descending into full-on victimhood, painting the ex non-bpd partner completely black, and telling everyone high and low that the ex-partner was a big meanie who single-handedly destroyed the relationship.

In my own experience, I held out hope time and again that my ex would "see the light" and realize that if he did not change, he would lose me and break apart our family for good. That never happened. He made promises over and over and over, and broke them over and over and over, because his tolerance for hearing about how his behavior was damaging the relationship only extended as far as it took for me to take him back. Then it ended. He never once made a concerted effort to look honestly at his own behavior and how it impacted our relationship.

He could fake it for a while, and his behavior would improve, but he never took steps to sincerely address his issues. His attempts at therapy were designed to get the therapist to believe he was trying his best to improve, and he would never be completely honest. His goal was to get the "all clear" on paper from a professional, not to actually achieve any type of lasting change.

My ex was physically abusive, and when I finally accepted that there was no evidence of any desire to fully address his behavior on his part, and the abuse was ramping up again, I went NC. His response was to proclaim to his friends, family, co-workers, and social media friends that I was doing him wrong, I left him for someone else, I was alienating our child from him, I never loved him or cared about the relationship, and so on. Not one inkling of "Oh my God, what have I done, I've driven her away with my behavior." Full victim mode.

I realized later that his narrative of all his exes was the same- they did him wrong, treated him badly, cheated on him, etc. He was the victim in all of it.

We have an article here about surviving a breakup with a borderline partner:
Surviving a breakup when your partner has borderline personality disorder

The article talks about ten beliefs that can get you stuck when you are going through a breakup, but some of these beliefs can be present even before the breakup happens. I wonder if you see yourself in any of these?

[PeteWitsend]

To answer your questions:

• I frankly don't trust her, or what she would do, if I finally give up on her.  Does this sound crazy?

No.  Although, it's impossible to say whether she'd follow through with some of her threats.  Just spitballing here, but if she's ever gotten physically violent, or acted on some of her threats before, maybe you can expect the worst.  I've read some real horror stories of BPD-breakups both here and on other boards.  A lot of their threats though are just that, and they're too cowardly, or afraid of the legal consequences of their actions to go through with them.  

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) to record any conversations with her, post-breakup.  And take whatever actions needed to block her access to your house & premises, and vice versa. 

• DO THEY EVERY CIRCLE BACK AND REALIZE WHAT THEY LOST, OR WHAT THEY SCREWED UP?

Seriously?  Why care?  They're not going to be genuine with their feelings for you anyway, so why wonder?  In my own experience, within a couple weeks of me leaving and filing for divorce, she behaved in one of three ways, depending on her mood at the moment: 1) anger & spite, 2) fatalistic sadness, or 3) apologizing and begging me to come back.  

Later on, I heard from a mutual friend that my XW told her she begged me to come back only b/c she "needed a man in the house" but didn't love me or care about me.  

regardless of how she was acting at the time, I just ignored her moodiness and didn't respond to any of her comments.  We had been down this path once before, and I was not going to give her another chance.  I was happy I was out and in my own place!

• I also wonder if I give up on her, who becomes the target of all her BPD episodes?  Her kids?  

You will be surprised (but probably shouldn't be) how quickly she'll have another guy in the picture.  Just be thankful... REALLY THANKFUL that you did not have kids with her, and don't have to agonize over what sort of creeps she's bringing into the house with your kids there.  
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[strugglingBF]

Gems, thanks for all the advice and tips.  Yes, I have been doing a ton of research and no i don't expect her to backtrack on her actions or beliefs.  I guess I struggle with the reality of how lost they are when it comes to recognition of reality.  You are correct in that my kids are the ones with the greatest likelihood of getting hurt of affected long term.  That weighs heavy on me.  I wonder what they would think/feel if they ever heard some of the things she says about them.  I see little hope at the moment, but like I said I need to be mentally and physically ready if I pull the plug.  It is getting the point where I cannot have a conversation with her without some projecting or attacking comments from her on me or my kids.  She is working it in everywhere.  It didn't used to be like this.  It is getting so much worse for some reason and I don't know why.  And no I don't take anything you say as harsh.  I am actually ok with some harsh.  Sometimes that is what is needed.  Keep supporting me the way you have to this point.  I appreciate it.  And I need it. 

Redeemed, I can deeply identify with pretty much everything you said.  Empty promises, and I am sure I will get more if I pull the plug.  I also know that she is going to want to strike first publicly.  We have a lot of mutual friends on facebook.  My GF knows I suspect BPD even thought I avoid the subject entirely.  She knows our ex therapist turned my personal therapy to focus on living with someone with BPD right after she stopped going.  My GF is going to look to portray me as the one with the personality disorder on Facebook so that if I were to do the same I will look like I am just retaliating.  She has used Facebook to send hidden messages about our relationship in the past.  It is so childish, but I know it would be coming. 

Pete, I agree most of the threats are probably empty.  That being said I have never truly followed through on a break up so I really have no basis to know how she would react to a true breakup with follow through involved.  With regards to circling back, you are probably right.  Who cares.  I do have thoughts of someone else enjoying the good parts of her if I decide to pull the plug.  She can be such a blast to hang out with and checks so many boxes for me when we click.  She is absolutely gorgeous and I am so physically attracted to her.  Those feelings of her giving her best to another man are tough and I know she will do it quickly even though she swears she hates men and is done with men if we don't work.  That being said, what I would take comfort in is knowing it is all cyclical and that it only lasts so long.  I goes away quick and never comes back. It is only a matter of time and the wheels fall off.   

[once removed]

I tried to break up with my GF on two different occasions and was drawn back in each time with promises of therapy (didn't happen), kindness, renewed appreciation, etc.  I can tell you my experience wasn't easy.  Sure, my GF threatened breaking up as well.

My bigger reason for this post is to pose this question.  For those that have successfully broke up with a BPD spouse/GF/wife...DO THEY EVERY CIRCLE BACK AND REALIZE WHAT THEY LOST, OR WHAT THEY SCREWED UP?

strugglingBF,

i must have threatened a breakup a couple of hundred times in my three year relationship. my ex did as well. i "meant" some of them. im sure she did too. mostly, they became a way for either of us to escape or control conflict.

breakup threats dont usually work as a means of getting someone to see the light.

what they do is erode the relationship and break down trust over time.

it would be better to nip the threats in the bud, or to exit the relationship altogether than to continue the threats.

[strugglingBF]

I used to use the breakup threat as a tool, guilty.  I stopped when my therapist told me exactly what you just said.  Talk about throwing gasoline on a instability fire.  I actually will not use that threat anymore and haven't for a while now.  My GF uses it anytime things get tough or communication is not going well.  She won't go to therapy because I think in some ways she knows her behavior is not of a stable mind.  She also knows our old couples therapist was pretty sure she suffers from it, and it was coincidentally one of that therapist's specialties. 

[once removed]

in a time of calm, own what you did.

speak about it exclusively. dont bring up what she did or has done.

express regret. talk about what youve learned. the harm you think it did to the relationship, and the sense you have that you dont want to repeat it. be sincere and authentic.

then listen.

the goal is to plant a seed. if the two of you have been threatening breakups as a means to resolve conflict, its a dynamic between the two of you that will take some time to undo. its a conversation you may need to revisit, delicately, a few times.

lead. if you started it, shes following it. or vice versa, as partners will do.

but over time, you want to stop doing it (good move), and communicate (not draw a line in the sand or point fingers) that breakup threats hurt the relationship, and there are better ways.

[eastofeast]

My GF knows I suspect BPD even thought I avoid the subject entirely.  She knows our ex therapist turned my personal therapy to focus on living with someone with BPD right after she stopped going.

I couldn't say for sure, but I think that I heard the term "borderline" first from our counsellor shortly after my ex stopped going. I wasn't in much of a state at the time to pick up books and look at forums like this. I was very deeply depressed. I won't say suicidal, because I would never do that, but I certainly was finding it hard to see the point of my existence at that moment. However, now I'm here

His attempts at therapy were designed to get the therapist to believe he was trying his best to improve, and he would never be completely honest. His goal was to get the "all clear" on paper from a professional, not to actually achieve any type of lasting change.

I'm sure that it's significant that she stopped going at about the point that the counsellor really got it. She had succeeded for a while in making me the centre of the counsellor's questions, projecting everything onto me, but I guess that the therapist had pretty much twigged what was going on. Well, she (the therapist) probably had understood much earlier, and would have avoided the elephant in the room for obvious reasons, but I just suppose that we were at the point where she wasn't going to go along with the game any more. My ex is a medical professional herself - not a doctor, but without going into the details let's just say that especially in the context of her job I'm pretty sure she knew long before me what "borderline" means. In fact she got into trouble once for self-medicating at a hospital that she worked at (before she was with me). So I suspect that she is perfectly aware of her condition, and she just didn't want to confront it in therapy. Social stigma, maybe, or just fear of how it might affect her job status. Who knows? So sad - maybe I could have learnt to cope with it if there had been complete honesty about it.

So now here I am, thinking about what might have been. What if I had known and understood like I do now? I suppose it's inevitable that all this understanding has led to that. I don't feel as angry as I did before, just very sad. I was very restless last night, and walked half way across London. I was listening over and over and over again to "I Saved the World Today" by Eurythmics, which should probably be unofficially retitled here as "The Caretakers' Anthem". I ended up sitting outside what used to be "our" flat. First time that I've been there in about three months. I just sat there, looking up at the lights, wondering what she was doing in there. I didn't go with the intention of meeting her or talking to her. I went there for myself. I wanted to contemplate the whole thing, in the light of all the reading that I've been doing but in the place where it all happened (at the end, anyway). I sat for a bit on the steps of a building opposite the flat, the place where I always went to have some space away from the madness, because this being London and us not belonging to the super-rich, there was no space inside that flat for me to be away from it.

Did it help? I don't really know, but I had to do it. In my reading I'm at the end of "Stop Caretaking the Borderline". The last chapters about rebuilding. So I suppose it was a symbolic thing going there. The one thing that I can say is that I was able to walk away without hanging around too long, resisting any temptation to walk across the road and stand outside the front door. I didn't cry (but I don't cry much anyway), and didn't feel too much clenching in my stomach, so I suppose that that is not too bad. I'm not going to tell her I was there, of course. I just want to process the feelings that I had being there, and work it out for myself.

[eastofeast]

And now I am crying. I guess I needed that. That famous stupid English reserve prevents it most of the time. We broke up and reformed more times than a punk rock band. I'm so exhausted. I don't know how long it's going to take.