Anyone else a daughter of a bpd mother?

[Chickenlitte]

Hello,

I’ve been struggling for years with low confidence and feeling worthless. I haven’t taken any medications because I believe that through counselling and hard work I can change the beliefs I have about myself. I struggle a lot and the route of it is the relationship I have with my mom. I have been looking for her validation, love and support for many years and instead feel cut down and unloved. I want to continue having a relationship with my mom but I’m in so much pain I’ve been very quiet and distance I’m around her. She often can sense it and pokes at me. I don’t share a lot with her anymore about what’s going on in my life and struggles I have because it usually gets twisted and thrown in my face later on. I have recently opened up with friends about my mom but they give me really simple solutions and don’t understand how volatile things can be.

I’m looking for someone who is a child of a bpd mother and to hear about their journey, and to also gain some validation from people who’ve been through it too.

Thanks

[zachira]

There are many of us on this site who are the children of a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD died this summer. I wished until the very end that my mother could have validated me instead of making everything about her and dumping her unwanted feelings on to me and other people. I hear your sadness and confusion. You say that you want to do therapy instead of taking medication which was the road I choose to follow. I went to eight years of therapy and the life changing therapy for me was EMDR. It sounds like your biggest challenge right now is to separate your feelings from your mother's. Can you ask yourself when you are feeling down on yourself whether the feelings are yours, your mother's or a little bit of both? Can you tell us some of the things that you and others like about you? You have come to the right place for support and to be heard.

[Methuen]

Hi Chickenlittle

I’ve been struggling for years with low confidence and feeling worthless. I haven’t taken any medications because I believe that through counselling and hard work I can change the beliefs I have about myself.

You sound like a thoughtful, hardworking, and strong person.  When I spoke to my family Dr about my relationship with my mom, he asked me if I thought I needed antidepressants.  I said "not yet".  When I shared the truth with my mom's health care "case worker" she TOLD me I needed antidepressants.  When I shared this with my T, she told me she wanted me to go minimally LC or preferable NC with my mom for 2 weeks.  Between going LC, and learning new skills from this site and my T, I am happy to say I have not needed anti-depressants.  Doing better than "fine".  My T was right.  My amygdula was overactive and in alarm mode.  Once the amygdula calmed down, I could process, reason and problem solve better.

I'm sharing my experience to support your thoughts.  Everyone is different though.  The time may come when you and I and others do need the prescription support.
And that would be ok too.  

I have been looking for her validation, love and support for many years and instead feel cut down and unloved. I want to continue having a relationship with my mom but I’m in so much pain

I have just accepted a normal healthy loving and supportive relationship with my mom will never be possible.  She of course thinks that she has shown me nothing but love, and if I don't think she loves me now, there is nothing more she can do.  There is nowhere to go with that, so I have just accepted knowing that I will never have the mythical mother-daughter relationship.  Once I stopped wanting what I will never have, I strangely started to feel better.  Acceptance is a key piece I believe.  Having said that, there was a lengthy grieving process for the loss of my "dream" mother.  But it all feels better now.  The hardest part is when friends tell stories involving their mothers.  It always reminds me of what I don't have.  But then I remind myself of all the things I do have in my life that are positive.  Kind of hard to do in the moment, but necessary for positive thinking and a healthier outlook.

 

I don’t share a lot with her anymore about what’s going on in my life and struggles I have because it usually gets twisted and thrown in my face later on.

It sounds like you've got a lot figured out  My conversations with my mom are pretty superficial.  She almost never asks about me or anything to do with my life.  She only talks about herself and her friends and all their health problems, deaths etc (mostly people I don't even know).  I listen to that for a bit and then try to change it up to something "neutral".  My conversations with her are not meaningful any more, and haven't been for some time.  It used to be different.  Some BPD's improve with age, but my mom got worse.  I support not sharing anything "personal" in your life though.  You are right that she is likely to use it against you down the road (because it will meet HER needs).

I have recently opened up with friends about my mom but they give me really simple solutions and don’t understand how volatile things can be.

Yep.  I empthasize with this too.  I opened up to one friend I walk with, after a protracted and lengthy crisis with my mom.  My friend did the best she could.  But she doesn't come close to getting it.  A few walks later, when I mentioned that after a period of NC, I had invited my mom for a coffee in a coffee shop (public space), my friend got all dreamy and said "oh that's so nice I'm so happy for you" with a big smile on her face.  This felt crappy.  I was terrified of that coffee with my mom.  My friend was just wanting the same lovely relationship for me that she has with her mom.  But her comment illustrated how she can never understand my situation, or that the dynamic will never change.  I love this friend dearly, and we share so many interests, but I did learn that it's just not worth it to share my story with someone who hasn't "walked a mile in my moccasins", because I felt worse after opening myself up to her, but knowing she could never understand.

Not sure if that is validating for you or not, but I'm hoping you realize you have lots of company on this board, from people who do "get it".

So, on a more cheerful note, welcome to our support group!  Having this has been monumental for me to peel back some layers and start to heal.  I hope you too find it helpful.

 

[Recycle]

Hi, Chickenlittle! Welcome 

Yes! I am also the daughter of a mother with BPD. She has never been diagnosed. I empathize with you feel 100%. I am here to listen to you with an open heart.

[stargazer95]

Hi friend,

I get your pain. I have been there and am still struggling with the side effects of having a mother with BPD.

I also don't remember ever sharing many personal things with her. In fact, I remember dreading being alone with her lest she brings up a subject to attack me. Believe it or not, to this day, I still get nervous when someone says "we need to talk". A flood of memories pours in my mind from the painful "talks" I had heard from my mom.

I also suffer from low self-esteem. But I am learning to accept this as an inevitable outcome of how my mother treated me and not as a fundamental statement about reality. In fact if anything, you and I are survivors. We have been deprived of the most loving basic human relationship and yet we are here opening up and comforting others. If we are not phoenixes, then I don't know who is? 

[SepiaScarf]

Hello Chickenlittle,
     I think you will find you are not alone here. My mom is uBPD, I have chosen to take a period of NC while I become more emotionally healthy and learn some new tools to help me cope. I really hope to have some kind of relationship with my mom. I am at times still grieving my mother/daughter relationship with her.

I don’t share a lot with her anymore about what’s going on in my life and struggles I have because it usually gets twisted and thrown in my face

I do this with my mom too! Even if she didn't use it against me, she would either share it with everyone she knows, or cut me off every time I tried to share something. It can be hard though when you are looking for support.

I have recently opened up with friends about my mom but they give me really simple solutions and don’t understand how volatile things can be.

I find this to be true even with some family members

Welcome! 

[kma79]

Hello! I also am the daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mother. Your post sounds so familiar to me. I no longer share any personal information with my mom when we talk on the phone. I've made this mistake in the past, and she uses it either immediately or down the road to turn into something awful to attack me with. It's exhausting dealing with her constant crises and her needs that seem to be more important than anyone else's. It seems to be common that BPD moms claim to be such loving and giving moms, but their adult children feel very unloved and alone. It causes so much confusion and guilt. I am grateful to read about what other people do to cope and hear from other people in similar situations. I hope you are doing well.   

[Chickenlitte]

Thank you all soo much for your kind and understanding responses. Reading it all was so validating and eye opening for me knowing that there are others out there. Also, to hear how you have noticed improvements in your wellbeing after seeking help.   

Yep.  I emphasize with this too.  I opened up to one friend I walk with, after a protracted and lengthy crisis with my mom.  My friend did the best she could.  But she doesn't come close to getting it.  A few walks later, when I mentioned that after a period of NC, I had invited my mom for a coffee in a coffee shop (public space), my friend got all dreamy and said "oh that's so nice I'm so happy for you" with a big smile on her face.  This felt crappy.  I was terrified of that coffee with my mom.  My friend was just wanting the same lovely relationship for me that she has with her mom.  But her comment illustrated how she can never understand my situation, or that the dynamic will never change.  I love this friend dearly, and we share so many interests, but I did learn that it's just not worth it to share my story with someone who hasn't "walked a mile in my moccasins", because I felt worse after opening myself up to her, but knowing she could never understand.

Totally! They want you to have a relationship with your mom and think that it is a normal relationship, conversations can be had to move forward, and then you get just simply "get along" with your mom. However, it is not like that because it requires your mom to have insight into her behaviour as well as be approachable/open to discuss your feelings. Of course these friends are coming from a good place but I agree about feeling worse in the end and I don't think there is much of a point doing this into the future I am seeing now. My mom is also high functioning and therefore good at meeting my friends and not showing her true colours so often they say they really like her but they don't realize what happens when you spend a little more time with her. So that in itself can be invalidating and even if they have no idea about how the relationship with my mom is I think to myself that maybe I am a crazy person.

[Methuen]

Hi Chickenlitte

I think to myself that maybe I am a crazy person

Remember the voice inside your head thinking that thought, is your mom's (not yours).  Time to stop giving that voice power