I need space to grieve

[Recycle]

Hi, everyone 

First, a moment of silence for those affected by war. Prayers for all of those citizens and soldiers in harm's way...

Thank you.

I have come to the end of the road of acceptance (about 10 years) that my mother is so mentally ill that she cannot authentically be in a relationship with me or anyone else for that matter (not even herself). But, I have also chosen to remain a part of her life. And while walking this path I have chosen, I have realized our continued contact does not give me the space I need to grieve. I feel as though I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I do not currently believe no contact is a viable option and would only make grieving much harder for me (I am an only child seen by many in my family as the only one that can "save" her, live one mile from her home, and her husband triangulates me to try and relieve some of the projection he gets when I haven't spoken to her in as little as a few days). What's worse is she no longer seems to respond to the boundaries I currently have in place. And not because I am not being firm with them. She is so buried in her waif-like state that she only talks about how sad, sick, and victimized she feels. It's like she has lost the ability to empathize with others. What little back and forth we have seems to be gone, now; she only knows how to exist as someone who needs to be saved or taken care of. And, she wants to be validated for these feelings. I have tried for so long to do this throughout the years. To use SET. To listen and empathize with her truths. But she is sicker than ever and I am so tired. I have compassion fatigue. I can no longer seem to muster compassionate validation from an empathetic place.

I feel lost and just want space to grieve. But there is "nobody home" on the other end of the conversation I think I need to have in order to claim this space. 

[pursuingJoy]

First, a moment of silence for those affected by war. Prayers for all of those citizens and soldiers in harm's way...

Thank you.

Joining you.


Recycle, I hear your fatigue and so much authentic love for your mom. I see so many parallels in the waif-like, negative BPD behavior and know firsthand that it's incredibly draining.

And while walking this path I have chosen, I have realized our continued contact does not give me the space I need to grieve.

I know this is heavy. Where does this realization leave you? What are the options you're weighing?

I feel lost and just want space to grieve. But there is "nobody home" on the other end of the conversation I think I need to have in order to claim this space. 

What does the conversation you need to have sound like? Can you share it with us here?

[Harri]

Hi Recycle.  It has been a couple of days and I am wondering how you are doing?

I want to second what PJ asked here:   

What does the conversation you need to have sound like? Can you share it with us here?

Share it with us.  Between all of us here we can listen and support you.  It may not be the same as having your mom hear you but it can help ease the pain, at least for a time.

 

[zachira]

I hear your compassion fatigue from being an only child taking care of a mother with BPD. I am wondering what you can do to create some healthy space for yourself so you have time to grieve and are less susceptible to having your mother's behaviors affect you so intensely or for such long periods of time. Having many family members with BPD including a mother with BPD, I have found posting on this site extremely helpful. There are no limits on the lengths or amounts of posts, as we recognize that those of us with family members with BPD often need support and understanding from those who understand the challenges of having family members with BPD. Many of us with mothers with BPD have found therapy to be extremely helpful. I am wondering if you have the possibility of taking a long vacation with no contact with your mother with BPD during that time. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Recycle]

Hello, friends! You asked:

”What does the conversation you need to have sound like? Can you share it with us here?” And added:
”Share it with us.  Between all of us here we can listen and support you.  It may not be the same as having your mom hear you but it can help ease the pain, at least for a time.”

Here it goes.
“Mom - I have my own feelings, struggles, fears, challenges, needs, family, and obligations. I have told you many times what I need from you in order to visit more often, share more of my daily experiences, and help you in the ways you’re asking me to now that you’re older. I have been waiting for over 10 years and you have never followed through with anything I’ve asked of you. I have concluded you are unable to develop a healthy relationship with me (or anyone else for that matter). If this is indeed the case, I can’t fix it. Just like I cannot fix your marriage, health problems (physical and mental), constant feelings of loneliness, and your belief that nobody loves or truly wants to make time for you. It is clear to me now that you were never given the chance to develop your own identity due to the sexual abuse and poverty you experienced as a child and young adult. If only you had the capacity to grasp that I am someone who could listen to and support you if you ever decided to get help for those traumas. Instead, you have shown me over and over that you cannot even retain any positive interaction between us and use it to influence your future actions and behavior. I have boundaries up between us because how you act (and fail to act) affects me deeply. If I didn’t have these boundaries, I would be unable to focus on my own needs to remain healthy, happy, successful, and part of a career and marriage. Yet I keep trying to maintain some type of relationship with you because I don’t believe in giving up on others. But is that really it? Probably not. Since I have gotten healthy, there have been plenty of toxic people that I decided to cut ties with. I probably keep trying with you out of fear, obligation, guilt, and a smattering of shame.
If I could list all the things you did to emotionally abuse me (whether you were aware of it or not) as a kid, that list would include:
- Making me your emotional support person when I was 7 years old during your divorce
- Making me sleep in bed with you when I didn’t want to
- Verbally abusing my dad and step mom when I would come home from visiting them, and expecting me to reassure you they had nothing bad to say about you
- Lying and making up stories about things my Dad was doing
- Keeping me from my Dad out of your own fears
- Telling my Dad he was unable to take care of me while I was in the same room
- Making me tell you that you weren’t as fat as other people in the same store or restaurant as us
- Not letting me process my own disappointment, fears
- Not letting me fight my own battles and experience failure
- Not allowing me to develop healthy bonds with my step father, mother, and siblings by making it “us against them”
- Making me hide your mental and physical illnesses from family members when you didn’t show up for holidays and parties
- Overmedicating and seeking excessive treatments for me in ways that fueled  anxiety and fear and caused physical side affects later in life
- Using these “conditions” to prevent me from staying overnight at my Dads, taking trips, going to camp, etc

And today, you still continue your abuse by:
- Denying you have any fault in or obligation to address the events from my childhood above
- Hanging up on me when I express my needs and emotions
- Accusing me of “talking like the mom” and not allowing you to do so, even though I am merely speaking my truths and wish to be on “equal” ground with you
- Not allowing  me to express opinions about other family members and situations that you are having difficulty with
- Canceling all of our plans and not making any effort to visit me, but in the next breath putting me down for never visiting or making time for you
- Making me reassure you that I love you and am not mad at you
- Making me reassure you that others love you and “
- Making me agree that your husband is abusing you
- Shaming me when I take trips to see my Dad
- Ask me if I am telling others about the gifts you give me
- Disowning me and then acting like we never had that conversation

Thank you all!

[Recycle]

Hi! Just following up. I would love to hear feedback about the “letter” I posted to my Mom (above).  you all!

[SepiaScarf]

Hi Recycle,
    How do you feel after posting this? Did putting it in writing help? I am so sorry you had to go through all this. It sounds like you struggled to have relationships with your FOO outside of your Mom ( because of). This resonates with me a lot. When my mom was unhappy with someone she would cut them off, and we did not get to see or have a relationship with them. How are those relationships currently?

[Recycle]

Since writing it, I have relieved, sad, angry, and numb. It has spurred me to think about how many things I have buried and not yet processed. I feel alone in this ordeal because my spouse and friends can only understand so much.

My FOO relationships are $hit. My Mom’s the youngest, her brother was her abuser and is immobile and virtually nonverbal due to disability, and the three other sibs have physical and mental health disabilities that prevent communication as well. My cousins have been similarly affected by their own FOO issues. I feel like I have been grieving their all of their deaths for a long time, but they aren’t dead.

[SepiaScarf]

Grieving someone who isn't dead is the worst. I had this feeling with my mom when I came to realize that what I thought was normal and good was not. I can't imagine how overwhelming it is to feel it with more than one person. It is crazy how the emotions just flood in when we start to exam these things. I picture a dam bursting and the water rushing out of it. Getting to empty is hard, rebuilding the dam and refilling it is so hard. I am super struggling with facing my emotions, I am currently avoiding them to some extent.

It's hard to accept that or BPD will never understand the ways in which they hurt us, that we will never get an apology, it sucks to always have to be the bigger person.

But I truly believe our lives will be more rewarding for it.

What do you think is your next step? Boundary setting I think would be a great place to start.
Rereading your letter I would say I would start with not discussing your relationship with your father to your mother and maybe something around those reassurances your mom needs?

Everyone's Favorite questions what are you doing for self-care?

What do you envision your dam being filled with at the end of all of this hard work?

[Recycle]

Thank you so much for your support
I have come a very long way on this journey so far. I have done many years of therapy, too. I am going back soon, because I feel ready to focus on how I can refill the dam. I want to fill it with being able to feel more genuine love, seeing and enjoying nature, less feelings rested to FOG, and a focus on my own self care and well being.  In the meantime, I am practicing my breathing for relaxation, trying to eat well/drink fluids, sleep well, and minimize the other stressors in my life.
One thing I didn’t mention before that is affecting me right now is that I have not spoken with my uBPD mom in 11 days. That is the longest it has ever gone, and was not started by me. I am in many ways happy we are not speaking. Our last conversation ended with her hanging up on me, but with each day that passes the number and type of guilt trips she can impose grows (ie “I cant believe you didn’t call me when Coronavirus became a pandemic!”.) Not speaking with her brings so much to the forefront for me, too. It is an odd mix of feelings.

[pursuingJoy]

Recycle thanks for sharing more of your feelings. Like you and Sepia, I know what it's like to grieve someone who's still living. I went NC with my dad in 2006 and still have moments of grief. I'm so glad you're on this journey and committed to taking care of yourself. 

One thing I didn’t mention before that is affecting me right now is that I have not spoken with my uBPD mom in 11 days. That is the longest it has ever gone, and was not started by me. I am in many ways happy we are not speaking. Our last conversation ended with her hanging up on me, but with each day that passes the number and type of guilt trips she can impose grows (ie “I cant believe you didn’t call me when Coronavirus became a pandemic!”.) Not speaking with her brings so much to the forefront for me, too. It is an odd mix of feelings.

Ambivalence is weird, isn't it?  Do you feel like not speaking has given you a different kind of space to process?

[Spindle0516]

Recycle-

Gosh. Your letter sounds so eerily similar to what I imagine my husband would write if he were to write a letter to his mom. You are surely not alone.

It is clear you love your mom so much, and I admire the steps you are taking to continue to protect yourself while caring for her in the long run.

[Spindle0516]

- Overmedicating and seeking excessive treatments for me in ways that fueled  anxiety and fear and caused physical side affects later in life

Recycle- I have been thinking about this bit of your post a lot and was wondering if you wouldn't mind sharing more of what this looked like.

I have been wondering about similar behavior with my MIL in regard to my husband's care when he was young, and even about my MIL's care when she was young by her mother.

There isn't anything I can pinpoint specifically, but there have been things that both of them have said that just feel "off" to me.

For example: my MIL said that when she was young, her mother (husband's grandmother) would force her to drink milk at family gatherings. This always made her throw up and it would be a reason to leave and seek medical care.

And my husband had some weird kidney problem as a kid that is described to having just appeared one day...he went through tons of tests with no clear answers- and then just disappeared.

Those are very short and way oversimplified examples, but just to give an idea..

Thanks!

[TelHill]

Recycle,

I could relate to many things you mention in your letter. I was my mom’s mom. She told me inappropriate things about her marriage to my dad, she ridiculed every aspect of me. I’ve had a chronic skin disorder since my teen years - rosacea - that is supposed to run in families. No one else has it. I believe this was brought on by the immense stress my BPD mom caused me when I was a minor living at home.

Grieving this ongoing lack of love & care from my FOO is a lifelong burden I have to bear. It has gotten easier with time and acceptance,  but will always be there.